


When Everything Goes Wrong: Sanders Sides Edition

by entity9silvergen



Series: When Everything Goes Wrong [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Comedy, Creativitwins, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Deceit has a Snake, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor, Incorrect Quotes, Jokes, Made for Comedic Purposes, Minor Swear Warning, No Plot/Plotless, Quotes Unrelated or related depending on how you want to read it, Remus has an Octopus, Roman and Remus Speak Spanish, Roman has puppies, Sanders Sides Incorrect Quotes, Singing, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Texting, Virgil Likes Toast, Virgil has a cat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:27:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 91
Words: 61,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23123218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/entity9silvergen/pseuds/entity9silvergen
Summary: Six sides, one mindscape. Anything that can happen will happen. Whether they're going on adventures, lounging at home, discovering the secrets to the universe, struggling with uncooperative pets, declaring war on each other, having arguments not everyone is in on, or fighting among themselves, the mindscape never has a dull moment. Sanders Sides Incorrect Quotes!
Series: When Everything Goes Wrong [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2020637
Comments: 548
Kudos: 566





	1. Set I

**Author's Note:**

> You came here for Sanders Sides Incorrect Quotes, you're getting Sanders Sides Incorrect Quotes. Enjoy!
> 
> As of 2021, these Incorrect Quotes are also being posted on [my tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/entity9silvergen) and [my Twitter](https://twitter.com/entitynine).

Patton: *walking into commons* Guys? Who’s is this? *holds up empty bag* I was cleaning out some of the old memories in the memory bank and this one didn’t want to go away. I don’t recognize it so it’s gotta be pretty important if it’s fighting to stay this much.

Virgil: Hmm? Oh, that’s mine. 

Logan: What memory that important could possibly be tied to an empty bag of bread?

Virgil: I once ate an entire loaf of bread by myself in one sitting.

Roman: … How is that an important memory?

Virgil: Hey, if you made that much toast at 3 am without waking anyone up, you’d be pretty damn proud of yourself too.

~

Patton: We’re finally here! What do you guys want to do?

Roman: Disney!

Logan: Go to Target.

Virgil: For fuck’s sake Logan, how many times do I need to tell you? We *clap* did *clap* not *clap* come *clap* to *clap* LA *clap* to *clap* buy *clap* hand sanitizer! 

~

Roman: I just feel so fulfilled, you know?

Remy: I feel you gurl.

Roman: I just feel like I’ve accomplished everything I wanted to in life.

Remy: Chills. That gives me chills.

Logan: Roman, you’re not even 30.

Virgil: Yeah… You cried over spilling your apple juice this morning.

~

Logan, Roman, & Patton: *huddled around laptop whispering* 

Deceit: What are you guys doing?

Patton: Looking at the comments on our last video.

Roman: And tumblr.

Logan: And reddit.

Deceit: … Why?

Logan: There have been a lot of theories going around lately regarding the seventh side. They’ve guessed correctly that he is orange, the final color of our metaphorical rainbow, but nothing more has been unanimously decided.

Deceit: Has anyone gotten close?

Logan: …

Patton: …

Roman: …

Deceit: … What?

Roman: You do realize none of us have met him, right?

Deceit: Oh really? That’s a shocker. For Caution, Travis is a pretty friendly guy.

Logan: Caution?

Patton: Travis?

Roman: Can we meet him?

Deceit: Of course. He really doesn’t mind being summoned. *lifts hand to summon*

*Orange figure appears*

Roman: …

Patton: …

Logan: … Deceit, that is a traffic cone.

~

Deceit: I just saw Roman crying in the other room and then a timer went off and he just... stopped.

Logan: Crying is a healthy way to relieve pent up emotions.

Deceit: You don't understand. He set a timer for fifteen minutes and just stopped. Like he just wiped his eyes and boom! No more crying. He was done.

Logan: It's called time management. You should try it sometime.

Virgil: No, it's called depression. You should try it sometime.

~

Remus and Roman: *screaming* Logan! Help!

Logan: *in the other room* Give me a minute.

Roman: It’s an emergency! 

Logan: Give me a minute.

Remus: Virgil’s going to die!

Logan: Give me a minute.

Virgil: *singing* If you love me let me go…

Patton: *runs into the kitchen* Virgil no!

Logan: *puts book down and strolls into the kitchen* Roman, Remus, what did you want?

Patton: Virgil just jumped off the refrigerator and you didn’t try to stop him! 

Logan: *blinking* I didn’t think Roman and Remus were being serious!

Roman: What part of “it’s an emergency” do you not understand?!

~

Deceit: Ugh. My snake is the worst.

Virgil: Can’t be worse than cats.

Deceit: Cats poop in litter boxes. I have to spot clean the terrarium with my hands.

Virgil: At least he stays in his terrarium. My cat claws up all my furniture.

Remus: At least he’s an indoor cat.

Deceit: Don’t you have an octopus?

Remus: I have not seen him in eight months.

~

Roman: Remus, what’s with the chef’s hat? You’ve been wearing it a lot lately.

Remus *nervously* No reason.

Roman: You sure? Because if you meet a rat like the one in Ratatouille to control your every move, I better be the first to know.

Remus: *chuckles* Of course.

The Octopus pulling on Remus’s hair: *hissing* He must never know.

~

Roman: Logan, truth or dare.

Logan: Truth.

Roman: Umm… How many people have you dated?

Logan: … Roman, we’ve known each other our entire lives.

Roman: And?

Logan: We all live in the mindscape together.

Roman: And?

Logan: None of us have ever dated anyone. You know this.

Roman: I panicked, okay? I didn’t have anything prepared!

~

Roman & Virgil: *burst into Logan’s room* Logan!

Logan: *looks up from book* What?

Roman: We have an important question.

Logan: What is it?

Virgil: Define smoothie.

Logan: … A smoothie is a manmade blended beverage made of fruit.

Virgil: *pointing at Roman* See! I told you ketchup was a smoothie!

~

Roman & Remus: *scream fighting*

Virgil & Deceit: *exchange glance*

Virgil: So…

Deceit: *slithers out of social situation*

~

Roman: *groans*

Logan: What seems to be the problem?

Roman: *holds up script* My memory’s terrible. I can’t memorize any of these lines!

Virgil: *waking up from napping on the couch* Your memory’s fine. It can’t be that bad compared to mine.

Logan: *ignoring him* Maybe you should try focusing on smaller sections?

Virgil: Sometimes I go through my whole day without realizing I left my keys at home.

Roman: *ignoring him* I’ve tried that. I get it down then instantly forget it when I go to the next section.

Virgil: Sometimes I even forget my own name and I wander around for hours before remembering who I am.

Logan: *ignoring him* Maybe you should take a break? It is easier to remember things when you are well rested after all.

Virgil: I get morning amnesia sometimes.

Roman: Virgil, stop. No one cares. *looks back to Logan* What should I do? Should I watch a movie to unwind?

Logan: I’d say-

Virgil: What’s a Virgil? Seriously guys, who are you and what are you doing in my house?

~

Virgil: So what happened when I was all drugged up? Did I say anything weird?

Patton: Not really.

Roman: What are you talking about? When I got home, the first thing you did was lie on the floor and ask me to throw all your hoodies at you so you could individually tell them how much their friendship means to you.

~

Virgil: *hissing* HHHHHISSSSSS….

Emile: *leans forward in chair* Interesting. Tell me more.

Virgil: … hiss?

Emile: If you just asked if I can understand you, the answer is no. I haven’t understood a word you’ve said in the past fifteen minutes.

~

Patton: You know that moment when your unphotogenic pet is having a real cute day and you can take a bunch of pictures and it’s adorable and amazing?

Logan: *holding phone* Patton… It’s just a bunch of pictures of Virgil sleeping on the couch…

Patton: Doesn’t mean he’s not cute.


	2. Set II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we got good news and bad news. Good news is that I'm going to have a ton of time to write, bad news is that I killed my writing mood pretty early. I have Incorrect Quotes backed up so I'll probably post these every few days.

Virgil: Both of you are wrong.

Deceit: I’m telling you, a hot dog is a sandwich.

Remus: It can’t be a sandwich. It’s a taco.

Deceit: Tacos need shells. A sandwich is just bread with stuff in the middle.

Virgil: Why are you guys like this? A hot dog is its own food group.

Logan: Actually, according to New York state law, a hot dog is a sandwich. 

Virgil, Deceit, & Remus: LET US FIGHT IN PEACE!

~

Logan, Virgil, Roman, & Patton: *arguing loudly*

Roman: Obviously I’m Kakashi.

Logan: Obviously? Kakashi is a jonin! He’s a leader.

Roman: Are you saying I’m not a leader?

Patton: I’m Naruto! He’s so bright and bubbly and orange and wonderful and-

Virgil: You can’t be Naruto because you’re Sakura.

Logan: Patton cannot be Sakura. Why? Because that’s your role.

Virgil: You tryna start something?

Deceit: *barges in* It’s 3 in the fucking morning! What could you four possibly be arguing about?

Roman: Deceit! What number of Team 7 am I?

Logan: Which.

Deceit: *sighs* You are Naruto, Patton is Sakura, Virgil is Sasuke, Logan is Sai, Remus is Kurama, I am Kakashi, and Thomas is Yamato. End of story. Go to bed. Now.

~

Virgil: I just asked Deceit if he liked men.

Virgil: He said no.

Virgil: Then I asked if he liked women.

Virgil: He said yes.

Virgil: So then I asked if he was straight.

Virgil: He said he hasn’t decided yet.

Virgil: He said he hasn’t decided yet!

Roman: …

Virgil: What kind of- Oh wait. Oh. Nevermind, I just figured it out.

Roman: Wait, what? That wasn’t a “you’re an idiot” silence. That was a “I’m confused too” silence.

~

Virgil: You know that “America explain” vine? I’m having one of those moments right now.

Roman: Today is just an “America explain” day.

Logan: I’m confused. What is “America explain”?

Virgil: Oh… um, it’s just this lady yelling at America because Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently and it makes no sense.

Logan: It’s not that complicated. Kansas is a Native American word while Arkansas is French.

Roman & Virgil: *exchange glance then get up without saying anything*

Roman: I’ll go get my sword.

Logan: Where are you two going?

Virgil: We’re going to go fight France.

~

Sides: *at grocery store*

Patton: *grabs broom* I wanna be the very best…

Virgil: *joining in* Like no one ever was…

Remus: *grabs Roman’s hands* To catch them is my real test…

Roman: *spins Remus around* To train them is my cause!

Deceit: *kicks shoes off to slide down aisle* Pokemon!

Logan: Guess who’s watching pokemon at home right now? I’ll tell you something, it’s not me.

Remy: Gurl, who are you talking to?

~

Logan: Virgil?

Virgil: Yes?

Logan: Why is Deceit surrounding Remus in television screens?

Virgil: You had to be there.

~

Roman: Remus! Help! The Dragon Witch is chasing me!

Remus: Run! Save yourself! I’ll distract her.

Roman: No! I won’t leave you!

Remus: Don’t worry. I got this! Logan, you’re on sound. Virgil, give me some tunes. Patton, Dee, you’re my backup dancers. We’re having a dance battle!

Dragon Witch: *visible confusion*

~

Virgil: Checking my email stresses me out.

Logan: Then stop checking your email.

Virgil: I can’t. I’ve gotta keep checking.

Logan: You shouldn’t if it raises your anxiety.

Virgil: But what if I miss something important?

Logan: Give me your phone. I’ll tell you if you get anything important.

Virgil: *hands over phone*

Phone: *email notification*

Virgil: WHO IS IT?!

Logan: Calm down, it’s just… Why are you getting emails from college? None of us are in college. Wait, let me rephrase that… We’re imaginary. We can’t go to college.

Virgil: What if I get a scholarship or something?

Logan: Let me repeat that. We are imaginary and Thomas has already completed his education. All these emails are making your anxiety worse. Just unsubscribe.

Virgil: … I don’t know how.

~

Virgil: *crying* I’m a monster!

Patton: Kiddo! You’re not a monster!

Logan: I am willing to bet anything that statistically more people have referred to Hitler as a man in day to day conversation than a monster. If he can be a man, you can too.

Roman: Logan, you’re not helping.

~

Virgil: *running* Remus! Quick! Deceit’s chasing me! I need a distraction!

Remus: On it! On a scale of 1 to 10, how weird?

Virgil: I don’t care! Like an 8?

Remus: *turns around to block the hallway* Hey Double Dick! Wanna feel up my tentacles?

Deceit: *face plants*

Virgil: *pauses* Okay, dial it back down to zero. That was somehow worse than getting caught by Deceit.

Deceit: *into the ground* Amen.

~

Roman: A swordfish.

Virgil: Boring. How about a swordfish chainsaw?

Deceit: And it’s a flamethrower.

Logan: Unrealistic. Tar?

Deceit: Just tar?

Roman: I could recreate the La Brea Tar Pits.

Virgil: That’s perf- Oh wait. No, Patton would get really sad if we put anything in there.

Patton: What are you guys talking about?

Logan: We’re trying to decide what to get Remus for his birthday.

Patton: A cat.

Virgil: No.

~

Roman: Virgil, truth or dare.

Virgil: Dare.

Roman: I dare you to take an entire pack of these vitamins without any water.

Virgil: What the fuck? Who does that?

Roman: I mean, you don’t have to.

Virgil: What? No. I’m doing it. I ain’t no coward. 

~

Roman & Remy: *at Starbucks*

Roman: Hey, Remy, can you hold my phone for a sec? I think our order just came in.

Remy: Ew, hell no gurl. I’m not touching that. It’s been in the bathroom. It’s a mix of poop and coronavirus.

Roman: ...Where’d you even get that? Hold my phone or I’m calling Logan to tell you how ridiculous you sound right now.

~

Patton: *walks into commons* You guys are going to church like that?

Virgil: No. I’m banned from the church, remember?

Logan: I’m atheist. 

Roman: I’m agnostic.

Deceit: Religion is a lie.

Remus: *walks in* Just took my pants off!

Patton: Well… *sigh* I’ll take whatever I can get!

~

Virgil: I bought a yoga mat to roll up and rest my hands on when I use my phone but now Patton associates me with yoga mats so whenever he sees one he yells “Virgil! Yoga mat!”

Roman: You should hear about the time I bought a cheese grater.

Virgil: Shut up Romano.

Roman: Not you too!


	3. Set III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 6 of quarantine and things are fine. I started another non-serious fic because I didn't have the motivation to work on my serious projects so I may post that soon. Good news for you guys is that I've been writing a lot of Incorrect Quotes despite my lack of social interaction. So here's Set III!

Deceit: You know that “Looney Toons” episode with the duck season and the rabbit season?

Virgil: Yeah.

Deceit: Imagine that but with Roman and Remus.

Virgil: Oh god.

Deceit: I know, right? Come on, we’re making posters.

~

Virgil: Yeah, it was my first time fighting someone.

Roman: You fought someone? Who?

Virgil: You don’t know her.

Deceit: Where was it?

Virgil: In a bathroom.

Roman: Wait, why was there a girl in the boy’s bathroom?

Virgil: It was a co-ed bathroom.

Roman: What?!

Deceit: Why were you fighting?

Virgil: She was being rude.

Deceit: So she just walked up to you and started talking shit?

Virgil: No, I was taking a shit and she was standing outside talking shit to some other girl.

Roman: So you just stopped shitting to ask this girl to leave?

Virgil: I didn’t ask. I just got up and started fighting her.

Deceit: So you just punched some random girl?

Virgil: No, it was more like shoving.

Deceit: Oh, so we’re children now?

Roman: Deceit, stop. I can’t believe you Virgil! You just attacked some random person? 

Deceit: …

Virgil: ... You do know we’re talking about dreams, right?

Roman: What?

Deceit: Wait, you thought Virgil was fighting random girls in bathrooms?

Roman: He said it was his first fight!

Virgil: Yeah… My first fight in a dream.

~

Virgil: You know science stuff, right?

Deceit: A bit.

Virgil: Remus and Roman are a binary star only Remus is a black hole so they just dance around each other and confuse the heck out of anyone trying to study them.

Deceit: … What am I supposed to do with this information?

Virgil: I don’t know. Find something.

~

Roman: Dee, tell me about the first time you met my brother.

Deceit: I remember it like it was yesterday. It was raining a warm summer drizzle and he was standing on the hillside with the cattle. The image is so vivid in my mind…

Roman: Um, what?

Deceit: He was wearing the most stunning dress and he had these beautiful flowers in his hair. He was soaked but it was like the rain was falling around him. I remember he was dancing… and singing. It was so fluid and it fit so perfectly with the patter of the rain.

Roman: Are you sure we’re talking about the same person?

Deceit: His finger was stuck in a bottle and he was trying to pole dance on a lightning rod.

Roman: Okay, that sounds like Remus.

~

Patton: *singing* Hush little darling don’t say a word, Papa’s going to buy you a mockingbird.

Roman: What if I want a mockingjay?

Logan: Hush little darling, don’t say a word, what you just said is so absurd.

~

Patton: *singing* And if that mockingbird don’t sing, Papa’s going to buy you a diamond ring.

Logan: With what money?

Patton: And if that diamond ring is brass, Papa’s going to buy you a looking glass.

Logan: How does one confuse diamond for brass? 

~

Patton: *singing* And if that looking glass gets broke, Papa’s going to buy you a billy goat.

Logan: You shouldn’t buy him something after he breaks the last gift you gave him. He won’t learn his lesson. That’s just not the way to raise a child.

Roman: Can we just skip all the other stuff and go right to the billy goat?

Virgil: I’m going to name him Gilbert.

~

Virgil: Weirdest injury you’ve ever inflicted. Go.

Logan: Um… I accidentally hit Patton with a wooden spoon.

Roman: That’s not weird. I once pushed a guy into quick sand and a sandworm ate his legs off!

Deceit: Pathetic.

Remus: You tell him!

Roman: Excuse me? You’ve got something weirder?

Deceit: I once burned off all of Remus’s armpit hair. 

Roman: …

Remus: *proudly* And he didn’t even do it on purpose!

Logan: *microsoft error noises*

Virgil: Okay, I’m not even going to try to one up that. You win.

~

Remy, Remus, & Virgil: *wearing dresses and heels*

Virgil: Come on, Roman. It’s fun.

Roman: No.

Remy: This is a no judge zone, gurl. Just try it!

Roman: No.

Remus: This might not be the best idea. I don’t think Roman can pull off a dress.

Remy: Don’t say things like that about your brother!

Remus: I’m serious. When we were 16, he put on a sports bra and I had to cut him out of it. He just couldn’t pull it off over his fat head.

~

Roman & Virgil: *on the phone*

Roman: Can I call you back at like 8:00?

Virgil: Sure. Wait, I might be doing something. It’s like 4:30 so I might end up doing something before I go to sleep.

Patton: *in the background* Virgil! Go to sleep!

Virgil: *yelling into phone* 4:30 pm! I can still see the sun! 

~

Virgil: So you know how when you take your driving test they tell you to turn off your phone?

Virgil: Well, I didn’t. It was on airplane mode so I thought it would be fine.

Virgil: But then halfway through I realized it wasn’t actually on airplane mode so I ended up failing because I was so scared I was going to crash even though I wasn’t anywhere near a plane.

Logan: *computer error noises*

Roman: The best part is that he wasn’t even in a car. He was taking the written one.

~

Patton: Why do you wear so many hoodies?

Virgil: Because I’m self conscious about my body.

Patton: Kiddo!

Logan: Our bodies all reflect Thomas’s. You can’t be out of shape because then we’d all be out of shape.

Virgil: No, guys, look how pale I am. *rolls up sleeve*

Roman: *screams* It’s like staring into the sun!

~

Logan: Patton, why is your desktop so disorganized?

Patton: Look! All the little apps make a heart!

Logan: An anatomically correct one?

~

Roman: Where were you yesterday? I thought we were going to meet up at the park.

Virgil: Here’s the thing. I only own three pairs of shoes. 

Roman: One pair of sneakers, two pairs of crocs. I know. You bring it up all the time. How does this stop you from leaving?

Virgil: I spilled paint on my sneakers so I was going to walk to the park in crocs but then Remy saw me and took me shoe shopping.

Roman: What? Why?

Remy: *looks at Remus* Gurl, we already have one disgrace in this household. We don’t need two.

~

Roman: Come on! We’re going to be late!

Virgil: *in bed* 10 more minutes!

Logan: Let’s just leave without him. By the time he’s ready, we’ll already have been there and back.

Patton: I guess that makes sense… Bye kiddo!

*door closes*

Deceit & Remus: *crawl out from under Virgil’s blanket*

Deceit: Are they gone?


	4. Set IV

Logan: I have called you all here to have a mandatory educational session.

Remy: Is this about the cat?

Logan: Roman is lactose intolerant. Patton is allergic to cats. Deceit can’t have peanuts. Virgil has seasonal allergies. Remus is allergic to shellfish. I’m allergic to bee stings. Today we will be discussing how to avoid triggering allergic reactions.

Remy: I already apologized. For real Logan, I didn’t know that Patton was allergic to cats. 

Logan: I don’t care about the cat! You fed Remus shrimp!

Remy: He’s an octopus! I thought I was being culturally sensitive!

~

Remy: Logan is making me ask all of you about your experiences with allergies.

Virgil: I don’t have any.

Remy: Gurl, I know you have seasonal allergies.

Virgil: I wasn’t denying it. I just said I don’t have any experiences with allergies. I avoid the outdoors like the plague.

~

Remy: You’re the last one on my list. How do you deal with your lactose intolerance? 

Roman: I don’t.

Remy: What do you mean you don’t?

Roman: I drink milk directly out of the carton. I eat cheese by the block. I get milkshakes everytime I go out. I ate an entire gallon of ice cream by myself last night.

Remy: … Are you okay?

Roman: No. I drown myself in lactaid and Disney for a reason.

~

Virgil: I want my birds.

Roman: Yeah, Logan. You told us we’d get our birds when we turned 18. That was forever ago.

Logan: I told you you could have them when you moved out.

Patton: Who said what about birds?

Roman: We moved a year ago.

Virgil: You have no excuse not to give us our birds.

Logan: They’re so hard to find! The only store in the city that sells them closed and they’re really expensive online.

Patton: Pet stores?

Virgil: Can we have your birds?

Logan: No.

Virgil: Then you really have no excuse to be withholding the birds from us. 

Logan: It’s hard to find them! It’s a dying industry! 

Patton: Wait, what? Birds are dying?

Deceit: We could get in on that. Birds sell for a minimum of a hundred bucks a piece. Anyone know how to embroider? 

Virgil: No. Last time I tried sewing I accidentally sliced my thumb open so I’ve been trying to stay away.

Remus: I can!

Roman: Me too.

Deceit: Okay, I can work with this. I know business and Virgil knows design so with Roman and Remus as our laborers, we can revive the bird industry. 

Logan: If I buy birds off you and gift it to you, does that count?

Roman: No. Just because we’re cashing in on this doesn’t mean we don’t want our own birds.

Patton: I’m so confused. I feel like we’re not actually talking about the animal.

Logan: *whispering* I don’t think so either but it’s been three years and at this point I’m too afraid to ask. 

~

Dark Sides: *at store*

Deceit: We’re here to buy the things on the list. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Can you guys-

Remus: Done. Let’s go. *pushes cart toward the door*

Deceit: What’s Virgil doing in the cart?

Virgil: Ring me up at the self checkout and ask the supervisor for help when you can’t find my barcode. I want to see the look on her face.

~

Roman: *singing* Little red sock… Little red sock…

Remus: *singing* Little green sock… little green sock…

Logan: What are you two doing?

Remus & Roman: *look up with socks on their hands*

Logan: *sighs* Forget I asked.

Patton: *walks in with blue sock* Is now a bad time?

~

Roman: There are two types of people in this world. You can find them with a simple test.

Logan: *hands over paper* Done.

Virgil: The fuck is an arcsin?!

~

Roman: There are two types of people in this world. You can find them with a simple test.

Logan: No!

Virgil: Fuck yeah!

Logan: I got a 92! What did I do wrong?

Virgil: I got a 72!

~

Deceit: *takes Patton’s glasses* These are mine now.

Patton: *takes hat* Well then this is mine.

Deceit: *hissing* That’s not how this works.

~

Logan: Crofters is not something physical. It is something spiritual that resides in all of us.

Roman: I’ll remember that next time we run out.

Logan: You’re dead to me.

~

Roman: *singing* I can show you the world.

Virgil: I don’t need to see the world. I have the internet. 

Roman: I could take you to Area 51.

Virgil: *gets up* To see the last bird? Heck yeah.

Roman: What? No, to see the aliens.

Virgil: *sits back down* You uncultured warthog.

~

Roman: I can’t believe you don’t like orange juice.

Virgil: I’m sorry. It’s just not my thing.

Logan: You like other types of juice and you like oranges. It’s illogical that you don’t like orange juice.

Virgil: Shut up. You don’t like SpongeBob. 

Roman: *gasps* YOU DON’T LIKE SPONGEBOB?

~

Patton: Are you okay?

Virgil: I’m not stressed and that in itself is concerning.

Patton: Isn’t that a good thing?

Virgil: No. I’m going to find something to be stressed over any minute now and hate myself for not being stressed over it sooner.

Patton: You could just be having a good day.

Virgil: No. I don’t have good days. Something’s going to ruin it.

Patton: *concerned dad noises*

~

Logan: I’ve gathered you all here today to talk about earthquake safety.

Roman: We live in Florida.

Virgil: Yeah. Florida is the least likely state to have earthquakes. I googled it.

Logan: Then you’ll know that it’s not completely impossible and we must know how to stay safe.

Deceit: If there’s an earthquake, I’m completely okay with just fucking dying if it means I can leave.

~

Logan: Virgil, get off your phone.

Virgil: Fuck off, you dopamine deprived dumpster fire.

Logan: I was not expecting that. 

Roman: I was expecting an “okay boomer” but this was beyond anything I could ever hope for.


	5. Set V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last of the semi-beta'd chapters. I have the next, like, 12 ready though so don't worry. There will be many more to come.
> 
> Guess who got Disney+ just to understand Disney references in Sanders Sides? Me. Apparently the lack of Disney in my life is shameful.
> 
> Lockdown continues. Online classes have semi-began but only national ones. My school is dumb but that just means more writing time. Some serious stories should be posted within a few weeks.
> 
> And without further ado, the chapter...

Patton: Oh my god! Deceit, what happened to your feet?

Deceit: I have no feet. Only stumps.

Roman: How do you walk like that?

Deceit: I dunno… I just stab my bones into the ground.

Remus: Are they sharpened?

Deceit: Yeah. They’re kind of like ski poles.

Virgil: You’ve still got to have some killer core strength to balance like that.

Deceit: I try. I’ve been working out.

Logan: … He’s wearing camouflage crocs?

~

Sides: *in the car*

Deceit: *in the back* May I use the bathroom?

Logan: *pulls over abruptly* What did you just say?

Deceit: May I use the bathroom…?

Remus: The fuck is wrong with you.

Deceit: What?

Roman: Did you just say may?

Deceit: Yes? It’s may, not can.

Virgil: All in favor of voting Deceit off the island?

Logan: We’re in a car.

Virgil: All in favor of voting Deceit and Logan off the island?

~

Virgil: *singing* Tell all of your friends that I'm crazy and drive you mad.

Remus: *singing* That I'm such a stalker, a watcher, a psychopath.

Roman: *singing* Then tell them you hate me and dated me just for laughs.

Deceit: *singing* So, why do you call me and tell me you want me back?

Logan: You maniacs…. 

Virgil, Remus, Roman, & Deceit: *excitedly* YOU MANIAC!

~

Remus: We need a safe word.

Deceit: What? Why?

Remus: You know me. I might take it too far.

Deceit: … Remus, we’re having a nerf war. I have multiple arms. You are not getting the upper hand.

Remus: And I am an octopus. Have you ever fought an octopus and won? Didn’t think so.

~

Roman: How are you supposed to respond to the question “How are you doing?”

Logan: Excuse me?

Roman: Like how am I supposed to know when it’s just a greeting and when I’m supposed to get into the deep stuff?

Logan: What did you do?

Roman: Well-

Virgil: *busts in* Roman is depressed!

Logan: Really? I never noticed.

Roman: Why do you think I sing in the bathroom so much?

~

Roman: *flicks paint at Remus*

Virgil: *flicks paint Deceit*

Patton:

Logan: Not the necktie.

~

Patton: How do you come up with so many nicknames?

Roman: I don’t know. Sometimes they just come to me, y’know? I have a list. I write them down whenever one strikes me and use it whenever the opportunity arises.

Patton: Do you and your brother use the same list?

Roman: Excuse me?

Patton: Both of you called Logan Nerdy Wolverine.

Roman … *draws sword* REMUS!

~

Logan: You can conjure anything and you conjure puppies?

Virgil: That’s lame. You could conjure wolves.

Roman: I don’t want to conjure wolves. I want to conjure puppies.

Logan: Why not conjure a spaceship? Or a time machine? We are not limited to the natural laws of time and space. Imagine how much we could learn about history and the universe!

Roman: But I don’t want to learn about history and the universe. I want to conjure puppies.

~

Virgil: Since when is the cat a Monopoly piece?

Roman: What got replaced?

Virgil: I don’t know! I can’t find the fucking piece! It’s just gone. We have a cat now and there’s nothing we can do about it.

~

Virgil: *with Dark Sides* Hey guys, Patton’s calling me so don’t make any weird noises.

Remus: Sex noises.

Deceit: Did you just say sex noises?

Remus: Sorry. I’m not really feeling it today.

~

Roman: Logan, out of everyone in this room except you, who is the smartest?

Logan: Remus.

Roman: What? How?!

Logan: It can’t be Patton and Virgil is no problem solver. Deceit is sharp but Remus is an octopus. They’re quite intelligent. A snake cannot compare.

Roman: What about me?

Logan: You? I thought that was obvious. You have the IQ of a hockey puck.

Virgil: And not even a Canadian one. You’re just a shitty American street puck.

Roman: *offended Princey noises*

~

Virgil: *on phone* You coming home tomorrow?

Roman: YES! DO YOU MISS ME?

Virgil: If you stop by the store on the way home can you get some bread?

Logan: And Crofters.

Patton: And cookies!

Deceit: We’re out of peanut butter.

Roman: Fine! Remus, you want anything?

Remus:

Roman: Well at least Remus misses me.

Virgil: Wait, he’s not with you? I thought you two went together.

Roman: … Shit.

~

Patton: What’s everyone’s favorite ship?

Virgil: Destroyer.

Deceit: Steam.

Logan: Aircraft carrier.

Remus: U-Boat.

Roman: Prinxiety. 

Virgil: What?

~

Roman: Oh my god!

Virgil: What?

Roman: I just found tampons in Logan’s room!

Virgil: Calm down. He uses them for bloody noses so he doesn’t have to stop working to control the bleeding.

Roman: Oh. But where does he get them?

Virgil: Remus gets them in the mail. Logan just takes a few each month.

Roman: But why does Remus need tampons?

Virgil: Stop asking questions you don’t want answers to.

~

Logan: What are you doing?

Roman: *pressed against the refrigerator* 

Virgil: *walks over and opens the door* Stop trying to see if the light stays on when you close it. Look there’s a button. I figured that out when we were like 8.

Roman: Tell me your secrets wise one.

Virgil: Did you know that the fridge is actually a save point? Since we all share the same fridge and eat the same food, we’re all on the same save files.

Roman: So as long as one of us is alive, we’re immortal?

Virgil: Yeah basically.

Roman: *runs down the hall* REMUS!

Logan: What have you done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Sides were singing Maniac by Conan Gray.
> 
> The fridge light thing is a meme if you didn't know.


	6. Set VI: Dark Sides Go on Vacation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m trying out a themed chapter. This chapter’s theme: The Dark Sides go on vacation.  
> Based off a rejected quote (reject chapter coming up eventually guys). Loosely building off a handful of previous quotes, mostly because there are only so many places I think Remus would like that Deceit and Virgil would be okay with visiting and I like the idea of the Dark Sides having pets.  
> Also I think this is Thomas’s first appearance in this story.  
> I don’t know how I feel about themed chapters. Normally the quotes write themselves. This time I actively tried to make something work and I don’t know if the humor took a hit because of it. Let me know if you guys enjoy or if you want to see more themed chapters.   
> Also btw, I posted a drabble the other day. I'm not really a fan of drabbles but people seemed to like it so I'm going to write more. Go check it out if you're interested.

Logan: I do not understand the phrase “I can work under pressure.” We are experiencing pressure at all times. Does the phrase refer to a change in altitude? Is it a claim that one can work in all conditions, whether it be deep underground or high in the air? 

Roman: I always thought that it meant that you could work when your blood pressure increased. Like you can ride the high of battle without having a heart attack and dying.

Patton: I thought it was talking about the pressure you get in your chest when you have a lot of feelings.

Logan: I believe those are the same things.

Patton: Maybe it’s a combination of them all?

Roman: Like, what being able to work while fighting a battle on a mountain in a quest for true love?

Logan: That makes sense.

Deceit: I need a break from you guys.

~

Deceit: I’m planning our vacation. Where do you guys want to go?

Virgil: Um… Uh, I don’t know. You guys pick.

Deceit: You have to pick because we’re not letting Remus pick.

Remus: What? But you guys are so boring! I’ve had a list of all the places I’ve wanted to see for years!

Virgil: It can’t be that bad. Just give it a look, Dee.

Deceit: Fine.

Remus: *hands paper over*

Deceit: The Bermuda Triangle, La Brea, and… the Vatican? Why do you want to go to the Vatican?

Virgil: Yeah. I know religious imagery is your thing but you’re not really the religious type, Remus.

Remus: Condoms are banned there. Imagine how much rukus I would cause if I had a pack in my pocket and just so happened to-

Deceit: Stop. We’re not going to the Vatican.

~

Deceit: I’m sorry I must do this to you. It was never my intention to hurt you but this is something I must do.

Patton: Who are you talking to?

Deceit: *turns around holding snake*

Patton: *squeals* Oh you precious little noodle!

~

Virgil: *walks into commons*

Logan: Do you need something? I thought you were packing.

Virgil: *silently drops cat on Logan’s lap*

Virgil: *silently leaves*

Logan: … Do you want me to cook it?

Virgil: NO!

Logan: Oh good. Because it wouldn’t be edible.

Virgil: Don’t fucking eat my cat!

~

Remus: Roman?

Roman: Yes?

Remus: Rooooman?

Roman: Yes???

Remus: … Can you watch my octopus for me while I’m gone?

Roman: I thought your octopus escaped.

Remus: Oh he did. Can you just keep an eye out for him? I know he’s around here somewhere.

Roman: … Sure.

~

Thomas: I heard the three of you were going on vacation.

Virgil: Yeah. We’re going to LA to visit the La Brea tar pits and maybe some beaches while we’re at it.

Thomas: Oh that’s nice. Do you have any idea how you’re going to get there?

Deceit: Excuse me?

Thomas: You guys know you’re imaginary, right? You can’t ride a plane.

Deceit: …

Virgil: The tickets are refundable right?

Deceit: … I bought imaginary tickets for an imaginary plane with imaginary money for a place that isn’t imaginary.

Remus: I could make us a plane?

~

Remus: Rooooman?

Roman: What? I already said I’d watch your stupid octopus.

Remus: Not that.

Deceit: Can you conjure a plane for us?

Roman: Why can’t Remus do it?

Virgil: Because there’s no way I’m flying all the way to LA on some rickety death machine that Remus conjured.

Roman: Why are you flying to LA? 

Deceit: How else are we supposed to get there?

Roman: … You do realize we’ve been to LA before, right? First chapter. I made a copy of LA in the Imagination.

Virgil: Oh right. I forgot about that.

~

Virgil: The fuck you mean there’s one bed?

Deceit: There’s a chair too. One of us gets the chair, the other two share the bed.

Virgil: How do we decide?

Remus: Dibs on bed!

Deceit: Nose goes!

Virgil: Nose g- SHIT! It doesn’t work with two people Deceit!

Deceit: Too bad! I won!

Virgil: No! Rematch!

Remus: *tackle hugs Virgil* Snuggle buddy!

Virgil: NO!

~

Remus & Virgil: *scream fighting*

Deceit: It’s 3 am! Stop arguing!

Virgil: Remus refuses to wear pants!

Deceit: This is not new information.

Virgil: We’re sharing a bed! 

Deceit: Remus-

Remus: I’m not trying to bone him! I just like the freedom!

Deceit: Remus, put your pants on or you can’t have any travel deodorant.

Remus: *horrified* N-No travel deodorant?

Deceit: Right. Now put some freaking pants on and go to sleep!

~

Virgil & Deceit: *lying on the beach*

Virgil: This is nice.

Deceit: Agreed.

Remus: *drowning in the background*

Virgil: Hey, can you try to keep it down? 

~

Deceit: *holding guidebook* Okay, so these are the La Brea Tar Pits. 

Virgil: I can’t fucking see anything with these fences everywhere.

Deceit: It’s for your own safety. In prehistoric times, animals would get trapped in the tar and- Remus, get off the fence- drown. The tar would preserve the bodies, hence the museum over there.

Remus: Wait, so you’re saying I should or should not jump in there to look for dinosaurs?

~

Deceit: Do you guys want to go look at the cats or the elephants?

Virgil: Cats.

Remus: Why would you want to look at cats? We have cats at home. We have to go all the way to the zoo to look at elephants.

Virgil: … You do realize we’re here to look at saber tooth tigers and mammoths, right?

Remus: Lead the way.

~

Deceit: Remus, get off that before someone calls security.

Remus: I wanna play with the kitty!

Virgil: That’s an animatronic. Don’t make it angry or it’ll kill all of us.

Remus: What do you think I’m trying to do? Five Nights at Freddy’s but instead it’s Five Nights at the Museum and we’re being chased by saber tooths and mammoths!

Deceit: Stop. You’re going to give Virgil nightmares.

~

Logan: What are you three doing back so soon? I thought you would be gone longer. Los Angeles has a lot to see.

Remus: *bleeding*

Virgil: *unconscious*

Deceit: *on fire*

Remus: We should’ve gone to the Vatican.

Deceit: Agreed.

~

Thomas: So how was your trip?

Virgil & Deceit: *go to their rooms and slam the doors* Horrible!

Remus: It was fantastic. We’re thinking about taking another trip in a few months.


	7. Set VII: Removed I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original 5 chapters (75 quotes) were approved by a couple groups of individuals. Here are some of the highlights of the rejected list as well as a few that I removed from upcoming chapters. They were removed for various reasons but none of these ones were flat out rejected. I promise you the best quotes but some of these were too good to die.  
> Also I'd like to say that Words, the drabble I posted the other day, is now being expanded upon. You guys seemed to like it. Go check it out if you want. It's mostly a reflection type story focused on Deceit.

Deceit: Check this out. Long sword, Glock, Bat, Taser.

Virgil: I'm the taser.

Remus: I'm the bat!

Roman: Pfft. You are so a bat.

Patton: I'm the long sword!

Logan: I'm the glock.

Deceit: ... You do realize I what I just said stands for LGBT, right?

Patton: Oh. Whoops.

Remus & Virgil: I know.

Logan: It was fairly obvious.

Patton: I guess I'm a dart? Because I'm a dad.

Logan: Dad is not a gender or sexuality.

Roman: Be a dagger. Daggers are cooler than darts.

Deceit: *concerned* Is no one going to say anything about what Virgil and Remus just said?

~

Remus: What is my deal? Uh, bitch?

Remy: Not high enough, gurl. Put some sparkle in there.

Remus: Uh, bitch!

Remy: You’re still not getting it. Here, put on these acrylic nails.

~

Patton: Logan, truth or dare.

Logan: Truth.

Patton: How many people have you kissed?

Logan: … Patton.

Patton: Oh my god you kissed Patton?!

Logan: What? No. None of us… *realization* DECEIT!

~

Logan: *on the ground*

Patton: Logan! What happened?

Logan: My life is a lie!

Virgil: *reading* Overthinking is directly linked to selfishness.

Patton: *glares at Deceit*

Deceit: *puts hands up* Why are you looking at me like that? If anything, it’s his fault!

~

Roman: Holy shit! What is your wallpaper?

Virgil: I don’t know. It’s always been like that.

Roman: Do you want me to change it?

Virgil: No, it’s fine. I’ve tried.

Roman: Tried as in failed?

~

Roman: *barges into commons dragging Virgil by the arm* Guys! Question! Who is cuter, me or Virgil?

Patton: I can't choose between my kiddos!

Logan: *not looking up* Virgil

Deceit:  _ Roman _

Remus: Virgil

Virgil: *smirking* Told ya Princey

Roman: Why do you guys hate me?!

Remus: Do you  _ want _ me to say you?

Deceit: Stop.

~

Logan: Define your childhood in three words.

Roman: I only need one and it’s Disney.

Patton: Mr. Rogers.

Logan: I said three.

Virgil: Daniel from Mr. Rogers.

Roman: You?

Virgil: What? No. Not me. Patton. I had no childhood.

Logan: None of those are three words.

~

Deceit: I’m planning our trip. What’s your favorite country?

Remus: Europe.

Virgil & Deceit: …

Remus: Shit. I mean Ecuador.

Deceit: How do you get Europe and Ecuador confused?

Virgil: And why is that your favorite country? I wanna go to Russia.

~

Deceit: It’s opposite day. Only I can speak normally.

Roman: No, it’s not.

Remus: Big hard geek!

Roman: What?

Deceit: Microsoft nerd.

Logan: Hmm?

~

Roman: Patton! Quick, tell a joke. Virgil is sad.

Patton: Um… Oh, I got one. What’s the limping dog say when he walked into the bar?

Virgil: I dunno… What?

Patton: I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!

Virgil: … I don’t get it.

Patton: Me neither. I was hoping you would. 

~

Virgil: What happens when we die?

Patton: Let me tell you something about heaven…

Remus: No way we’re going to heaven. Straight to hell we go.

Deceit: Religion is a lie… But hell is actually really nice for atheists so let’s hope we end up there.

Logan: Thomas is not atheist therefore we are not.

Roman: I was going to say Valhalla but now I’m confused.

Virgil: Yeah, me too. Forget I asked.

~

Patton: What’s brown and sticky?

Logan: A cinnamon roll? 

Patton: A stick!

Logan: *sighs* Of course.

~

Roman: Blow my mind.

Virgil: Um… Did you know Deceit has more arms than Remus?

Roman: What? How?

~

Roman: Blow my mind.

Remus: Deceit has scales on his butt!

Roman: Ew. How do you know that?

Remus: *giggles*

Deceit: The fuck Remus?!

~

Patton: *screams*

Logan: Was that a scream of distress?

Virgil: Could’ve been a scream of embarrassment. 

Roman: It sounded more like excitement.

Remus: Gay panic, maybe?

Deceit: I bet 50 bucks he saw a cool dog.

Patton: PUPPY!

Deceit: Pay up losers.


	8. Set VIII: History, Geography, and Myth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s another themed chapter. I wrote this the day after the last one so I hadn’t heard your response to whether or not you liked these (which I still don’t know but I have decided that they are hard to write). I don’t really know what this chapter’s theme is. Originally it was going to be history but that kinda got lost because I can only think of so many history jokes and still be original.
> 
> Also note that Deceit likes history in canon, I assume Logan knows his facts, and Virgil is just a nerd who knows a lot of random crap.

Virgil: I just realized… Students have to study documents from different time periods in history classes.

Logan: And?

Virgil: In like 50 years, there’ll be memes from this era in textbooks.

Logan: *computer error noises*

~

Virgil: In like a couple hundred years, historians are going to study our tweets thinking they had some kind of profound meaning that affected many and transformed the ancient world.

Roman: This morning I tweeted that Remus’s face looks like the inside of an unwashed sock.

Virgil: *taking his hands* Thank you for your contribution to society.

~

Virgil: We were driving and Logan said he was tired so I had to talk about something interesting for the next two hours so we didn’t crash and die.

Roman: And?

Virgil: I panicked and ended up rambling about America’s drastic economic changes from the early 1900s to the mid 40s for the entire drive.

Roman: *starts laughing*

Virgil” Wait, let me finish. That’s not even the worst part. When we got home, he invited me to his and Dee’s bi-monthly study sessions because now he thinks I like history.

~

Deceit: Wanna hear something cool?

Roman: What?

Deceit: One of the reasons gender inequality developed was because men didn’t like hoes.

Roman: …That doesn’t make any sense.

Deceit: They prefer plows.

~

Virgil: Have you ever noticed Australia is just like Pokemon in real life?

Logan: How?

Virgil: Look at me and tell me a kangaroo is not a pokemon.

Logan: …

Virgil: Koalas?

Logan: …

Virgil: Echidnas? Dingo? Wallaby? All those tropical fish?

Logan: ...

Virgil: Blobfish?

Logan: *realization*

~

Virgil: If we were cryptids, Roman would be the Jersey Devil.

Roman: *offended princey noises* Me? A devil? I’d be a unicorn!

Virgil: Do you even know what the Jersey Devil is?

Roman: No but-

Remus: It’s like a bird and a goat fucked.

Virgil: I take it back. Remus is the Jersey Devil.

~

Deceit: Sometimes I’m talking about Russia and I accidentally call Volgograd Stalingrad. The look people give me is the scariest thing.

Logan: Why?

Virgil: We live in America. 

~

Roman: I am Thor, Remus is Loki, Patton is Balder the Brave, Deceit is the Migard Serpent.

Virgil: Like actual Norse mythology or Marvel?

Logan: It doesn’t matter. If anything, Deceit would be Loki and Remus would be the Nidhogg or any type of beast, really.

Roman: Stop ruining my fun.

~

Virgil: If you could have any mythical animal as a pet, what would it be?

Deceit: Wyrm.

Remus: Kraken.

Roman: Pegasus.

Patton: Cerebus!

Logan: Why? I’d expect you’d like a jackalope or something of that nature.

Patton: Cerebus is Greek for fluffy!

Logan: I don’t think that’s tr-

Virgil: So Hades was just ballin in the underworld, being all intimidating and shit, and then his dog would start acting up and he’d just stop what he was doing and yell “Fluffy! Stop that right now!”

Deceit: Checks out.

~

Virgil: Why do you like princes so much?

Roman: What?

Virgil: You’re gay. If you were an actual prince, you wouldn’t ever find a prince for yourself.

Deceit: You have any idea how many gay princes there were? Historically speaking?

~

Roman: Did you know the Spanish slang word for cool is the same as the Cantonese word for nice?

Deceit: Why would I ever know that and what am I supposed to do with this information?

~

Logan: El principe es stupido.

Remus: Escuchasme ano! No persona puede llamar mi hermano estúpido!

Roman: Gracias! Te amo, hermano!

Remus: Solo yo debo llamar mi hermano nombres!

Roman: *offended Princey noises*

Logan: … Time to learn Spanish I guess.

~

Roman: Padre.

Remus: Père.

Roman: Vatar.

Remus: Ba.

Roman: Alab.

Remus: Otets.

Deceit: What are you doing?

Roman: Trying to get Patton’s attention.

Deceit: Unlike you, most of us are monolingual.

Patton: What did you just call me?

Deceit: Mongolian.

Patton: Like the beef? 

Deceit: Sure.

~

Virgil: Why do you have such a big water bottle?

Logan: It’s important to stay hydrated.

Deceit: I bet there’s not even water in there.

Logan: What else would I keep in it? It’s unhealthy to consume other liquids at this quantity.

Remus: I bet it’s blood.

Logan: Why would I carry blood around?

Virgil: Because you’re a vampire.

Remus: Oh shit. I didn’t think of that. What do we do?

Deceit: Remus, you find Roman and Virgil, you find Patton. Get them to safety while I hold him off. 

Logan: *sighs* I’m not a vampire.

Patton: *in the corner* Exactly what a vampire would say.

~

Logan: You can’t have a cat.

Patton: Cats were treated like gods in ancient times! I know my first amendment rights!

Logan: That does not apply here.

Roman: And aren’t you Christian?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next one’s back to normal, I promise.
> 
> Translation to the one where Logan, Roman, and Remus were speaking Spanish:  
> Logan: The prince is stupid.  
> Remus: Listen to me asshole! No one can call my brother stupid!  
> Roman: Thanks! I love you, brother!  
> Remus: Only I can call my brother names!  
> Roman: *offended Princey noises*  
> Logan: … Time to learn Spanish I guess.


	9. Set IX

Roman: Would it be weird if I called Logan Doc Ock?

Virgil: Hmm?

Roman: The doc part makes sense but not the ock, especially since, y’know, Remus. What about Doc Connors? Still Spiderman themed and it’s kind of fitting. What do you think?

Virgil: I have no idea what you're saying. I see your mouth moving and I can hear nothing except Brendon Urie’s beautiful voice blasting through my headphones.

Roman: Well then take them off and help me.

Virgil: What part of “I don’t know what you’re saying” do you not understand?

~

Patton: So what do you want for your birthday?

Virgil: A soul.

Remus: It’s not your birthday.

Roman: It’s ours but I’d gladly give up my birthday presents if Patton can find a soul for you.

Remus: No need. I have a few spares.

~

Sides: *as kids*

Logan: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Roman: A prince!

Virgil: Happy.

Patton: A fridge!

Logan: Why do you want to be a refrigerator? 

Patton: They make ice cubes! That would make Virgil happy!

Logan: Virgil likes ice cubes?

Virgil: Yeah. It’s funny when Princey slips on them.

~

Roman: That smells weird. What is that?

Virgil: I don’t know. Remus gave it to me.

Roman: Then why are you eating it?

Virgil: He seemed so excited. I have too much anxiety to say no.

Roman: You could die!

Virgil: Hey. If I die and it makes Remus happy, it’s two birds with one stone.

~

Patton: It’s time for lunch.

Roman & Remus: *in fort* What’s the password?

Logan: We’re not trying to enter. We just want to-

Patton: Sir Dragon Butts!

Roman & Roman: Enter!

Patton: *squeals and runs in*

Logan: …

Virgil: You guys going to come eat?

~

Roman & Remus: What were we like as kids?

Patton: You two were great kiddos!

Logan: You were monsters.

Patton: Logan!

Logan: Don’t pretend like you don’t remember that time with the cinder blocks.

Patton: It was one time!

Logan: Patton, Thomas called 911 because he thought I was having a heart attack.

~

Remus: This poison is expired. Should I drink it?

Virgil: Don’t drink poison!

Deceit: Not if it’s expired.

~

Patton: Roses are red.

Logan: Irises are blue.

Deceit: Remus is a dumbass.

Virgil: And Roman is too.

~

Roman: When I was six, I was playing on one of those concrete ledges around the playground and I fell. My brother was there and he just laughed at me. This is when I realized that I can’t count on my family and I needed to be strong on my own.

Virgil: And for this recipe, you need thirteen loaves of bread.

~

Virgil: Roman, are you a thigh guy or a breast bitch?

Roman: … I’m gay???

Virgil: Gay people can still eat chicken. But I can ask Patton to save the ass for you if you’d like.

Remus: No! It’s mine!

Roman: *confused and offended Princey noises*

~

Virgil: *gasps* You’ve never been to Hot Topic?

Roman: No. I’m a prince. What would I find among all that dark, icky, emo stuff?

Logan: Patton finds things he likes at Hot Topic.

Roman: How?

Patton: They have the cutest cat shirts!

Virgil: They also have a ton of Pokemon stuff too. T-shirts, cards, plushies, pins, bracelets…

Roman: Let’s go.

~

Roman: Do you believe in me?

Virgil: No. But do you know who does? 

Roman: Who?

Virgil: Remus’s psychic. She loves you.

~

Virgil: Melatonin Man, Melatonin Man.

Deceit: Does whatever melatonin can.

Roman: He talks and he’s boring.

Remus: Look out. Here comes the Melatonin Man.

Logan: Go to sleep.

~

Remy: Gurl…

Deceit: Oh shit, he looks mad. What’d we do?

Remy: A little birdie told me you’ve been calling Logan the Melatonin Man.

Deceit: *smirking* What? You jealous?

Remy: I’m sleep, bitch! Me! Not the Apple Watch! You know what the blue light from those things does to your melatonin levels?

~

Deceit: What did you do?

Remus: What do you mean?

Deceit: I was gone for the weekend. I know you did something.

Remus: *offended dukey noises* How are you assume-

Deceit: Remus, I can see the stains on the wall.


	10. Set X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Number 10 guys, gals, and non-binary pals.
> 
> I wrote this one after chapter 2 came out, right after I was put on lockdown. I wrote this in the middle of the night and my delusion made these funnier in my mind. Most of the dumb ones have been removed and replaced. In the past, the majority of these were based off of social interactions I've had but now social interaction is something of the distant past.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy.

Virgil: Dr. Picani! I messed up so bad!

Emile: Sit down and tell me about it. I’m sure it’s not as bad as it seems.

Virgil: Roman and I went to Hot Topic and when the cashier handed us the bag, they said that the receipt was in the back. And you know what I said? You too.

Emile: *gets up* Come on.

Virgil: Where are we going?

Emile: I’m buying you a plane ticket to New Zealand where you will begin your new life as a sheep.

~

Roman: Ew.

Remus: What?

Roman: You’re using a sock as a napkin.

Logan: At least he’s using a napkin.

Roman: It’s a dirty sock.

Logan: I repeat my earlier statement.

Roman: It’s not even his.

Logan: That changes nothing.

Roman: He’s starting to eat it.

Logan: Remus, stop that.

Remus: You can’t stop me!

~

Patton: Wheels on the tabasco round and round…

Virgil: Round and round…

Deceit: Round and round…

Roman: Wheels on the tabasco round and round…

Logan: All through the-

Remus: And straight into an unseen jet turbine! Tabasco sauce everywhere!

~

Deceit: The shower was clogged so I popped the drain cover off to clean it and guess what I found. *holds up hair covered blob*

Logan: What is that?

Remus: HAROLD!

Logan: You named your octopus Harold?

Patton: That’s an octopus?

~

Remus: Roman! Harold is back!

Roman: Oh shit. Need help escaping again buddy?

~

Remus: Virgil! Where is Gilbert? I need to introduce him to Harold.

Virgil: Gilbert’s gone dude.

Remus: Fuck! We’re going on an adventure to find Gilbert!

Deceit: Who the heck is Gilbert?

~

Remus: Logan? I have a question. Why doesn’t Patton have any kids?

Logan: We are imaginary but the laws of reality still apply to us. We cannot asexually reproduce.

Remus: But we can shapeshift so couldn’t we-

Logan: I’m going to stop you right there.

~

Remus: Sadistically happy.

Virgil: Chronically upset. 

Deceit: A dangerous combination. Stay away from me please.

~

Patton: Logan, Roman has a sore throat. What do I do?

Logan: Have him gargle some salt water.

Patton: How?

Logan: How what? How do you gargle?

Patton: No. How do I get salt water? We don’t live by the ocean.

Logan: …

Virgil: You just put the salt in the water?

~

Roman: What’s 9 in roman numerals?

Logan: You should know this.

Roman: Why? You’re the smart one here.

Logan: Yes, and your name is Roman.

Roman: Your point?

~

Virgil: I’m going to go look for some food.

Logan: Look? Are you homeless?

Virgil: … I can’t tell if you’re kidding, calling me out for my word choice, or legitimately concerned.

Logan: I am legitimately concerned for your wellbeing. Do you need assistance?

Virgil: Logan, we live together. We eat out of the same kitchen.

~

Roman: The heckity heck. Virgil a Sagittarius.

Virgil: And?

Roman: *reading* A Sagittarius is optimistic, freedom, loving, jovial-

Virgil: That’s not me.

Roman: Wait, keep listening. They’re also blindly optimistic, careless, irresponsible, and superficial.

Virgil: Wow. That is so not me. That sounds kinda like Patton actually.

Roman: It gets better! Patton is a Capricorn. They’re practical and pessimistic!

Virgil: The zodiac is bullshit.

~

Patton: *summons Virgil and Remus* 

Virgil: Why were we summoned?

Patton: I’ve got somewhere to be and Roman needs someone to keep him company! *sinks out*

Virgil: Wait! You thought Remus was the person for that?

~

Virgil: hjsvowevn

Emile: Excuse me?

Roman: I’m his translator for today. His brain’s autocorrect is broken.

Emile: When do you think it’ll be fixed?

Logan: *yells from the other room* I’m working on it!

~

Remus: Here.

Deceit: What is it?

Remus: I don’t know. I found it in my closet.

Deceit: Well I don’t want it!

Roman: Is that my paint plank?

Deceit: The heck is a paint plank?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *looks around room* *spots plank of wood with paint on it* Perfect.
> 
> Also thank you to my friend for naming Harold. I am sorry to say I do not remember who it was. The group wanted to name him something like Kraken, Cthulhu, or Sir Butts but someone was like Harold and I was like hell yeah. I know there are a couple of Harold fans out there. Hope you like his name!
> 
> I accidentally call Harold Hector a lot so if you ever see any mistakes, feel free to call me out.


	11. Sex XI: Wednesday is Orange

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another themed one! Only this is less of a theme and just more of a “all these are related” kind of thing. 
> 
> Note that this chapter references past ones. Specifically, Harold the Octopus, Travis he Traffic Cone, and Gilbert the Billy Goat return.
> 
> Also, we hit 100 kudos! I'm not a new writer but I haven't been on ao3 for long so this is a first for me.

Virgil: There is one truth to the universe and that truth is that Wednesday is orange.

Deceit: Wednesday can’t be orange.

Virgil: Well, you’re a liar.

Deceit: Wednesday is blue.

Virgil: Get out.

Deceit: What?

Virgil: GET OUT!

~

Emile: I head you and Deceit had a fight?

Virgil: He thinks Wednesday is blue.

Emile: We all know Wednesday is pink but that’s no reason to-

Virgil: *sinks out* I can trust no one.

~

Virgil: I need to find my allies before this descends into war. Remus, Roman, what color is Wednesday?

Roman: Yellow.

Remus: Orange.

Virgil: Remus, is yellow close enough or do we need to kill him for his heresy?

Remus: Kill him.

Virgil: That is the correct answer.

Roman: Logan! Patton! Help!

~

Logan: What’s the situation?

Roman: Virgil and Remus have recruited Remy and Harold. Picani is talking to Patton now and all the other animals in the mindscape are unknowns.

Logan: What about Deceit?

Deceit: Guys, they’ve taken Travis hostage.

Virgil: He’s our mascot!

~

Remus: We need a plan.

Virgil: Harold, I need you to find Gilbert. Find out which side he’s on. If he’s an enemy, take him out before he can join the others.

Harold: *octopus noises*

Remus: Take Travis as back up. I’m trusting you with this buddy.

~

Remy: Bad news, babes. Gilbert is nowhere to be found and the others captured Harold and Travis.

Remus: Harold no!

Virgil: They took Travis? This calls for drastic measures. Listen up.

Remy: I’m listening.

Virgil: *inhales* Thomas!

~

Thomas: *summons Sides*

Thomas: Guys, I’ve been feeling really- What happened to you?

Deceit: *covered in ink*

Picani: *sharpening a stick*

Roman: *wearing Travis as a hat*

Logan: *on fire*

Patton: *holding Gilbert*

Remus: They are heretics.

Thomas: What?

Virgil: They have declared themselves enemies of the Orange Wednesday Empire.

Thomas: That doesn’t make me any less confused.

~

Thomas: So explain the situation to me?

Virgil: Wednesday is orange and these fools can’t accept the truth.

Thomas: And this is why I’ve been unable to sleep for three days?

Remy: Gurl, this is serious. Your sleep is a distraction we cannot afford.

~

Thomas: So you want me to act as a mediator?

Sides: Yes.

Thomas: *sighs* I can’t believe I’m doing this. What are the sides and what are your demands?

Virgil: The Right people want the Wrong people to admit they’re wrong.

Thomas: You gotta pick a better name than that.

~

Thomas: Orange-sayers, what are your demands?

Remus: I want Harold back!

Virgil: And we want Travis.

Deceit: Travis is my friend! Get your own Travis!

Remy: No! Travis is ours!

Thomas: Who is Travis? Is he another Side?

Logan: No. *sighs* He’s a traffic cone…

~

Logan: Perhaps we can settle this with a debate. Why is Wednesday orange?

Remy: It just is.

Logan: That is not a reason.

Remus: It is in my book.

Logan: What book are you reading?

Remus: The book of Orange Wednesday.

~

Patton: Maybe we should talk about the other days of the week?

Remus: Friday is green.

Remy & Virgil: GET OUT!

~

Thomas: This is my head so my rules. None of the days have any color. Got it?

Virgil: So we can’t write the days of the week anymore?

Thomas: I mean, you can.

Logan: How can we if they don’t have any color? Can we only write with white pen? Because that would be rather difficult.

Thomas: No, just write them normally.

Roman: Black is still a color. Do we have to write with block letters?

Deceit: Then the inside would be whatever color the paper was and the word would still be colored.

Thomas: I give up.

~

Deceit: *holds up Harold* I’m sorry for taking your octopus.

Remus: I’m sorry he inked you.

Deceit: …

Remus: …

Deceit: Remus, help. He’s not letting go.

~

Thomas: Wensday.

Logan: Wed *clap* nes *clap* day. Got it?

Thomas: Wednesday.

Logan: Good boy.

Thomas: Can I have a cookie?

Logan: No.

Thomas: … Wensday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made some mistakes while posting this. They have been fixed.


	12. Set XII

Virgil: Dr. Picani! I messed up!

Emile: Come on and tell me about it.

Virgil: Roman and I were arguing and I said something really bad and now he’s really upset.

Emile: Nothing a song won’t fix!

Virgil: I dont-

Emile: Hakuna Matata! 

Virgil: Hakuna Matata?

Emile: Hakuna Matata! It means no worries!

Roman: *kicks down door* FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!

~

Virgil: I told myself I was going to be productive but windows on my laptop had to update.

Roman: So what did you do?

Virgil: I took a nap.

Roman: You woke up at noon. I heard your computer make the noise at like 1.

Virgil: I know. I have no self-control.

~

Patton: You adorable little anxious baby.

Virgil: Stop.

Patton: Who’s a good boy? You are! Yes you are?

Virgil: … Patton?

Deceit: Don’t worry. He’s not talking to you.

Virgil: Oh.

Deceit: *sighs* Do you want me to pet you?

Virgil: … Yes.

~

Virgil: Last night I stayed up too late and fell down the reddit rabbit hole.

Roman: Oh god, what’d you do?

Virgil: I joined a subreddit devoted solely to one goat. Her name is Milk Dud and she is tiny and I love her.

~

Virgil: When it’s time to panic, open in the disaster closet.

Logan: To retrieve the flashlights, food and water rations, and batteries?

Virgil: Nope! Mine’s filled with boxes filled with random pens and legos and shit. With any luck, they’ll fall on me.

~

Deceit: You’ve been in a coma for the past 15 years. We’ve finally found a way to contact you but we don’t know how this message will reach you.

Virgil: Thank fuck. I’m ready to leave this dump.

Patton: *sad puppy eyes* Virgil...

Virgil: … Shit.

~

Roman: Grape jolly ranchers don’t taste like grapes. They taste like purple.

Logan: Purple does not have a flavor. You cannot taste purple.

Virgil: If you can’t taste purple, how do you know it doesn’t have a flavor?

Logan: *computer error noises*

~

Roman: Banana jolly ranchers don’t taste like bananas. They taste like yellow.

Logan: That’s because banana flavoring is based off a type of banana called the gros michel but that particular species died out due to fungus long before any of us were born. 

Virgil: Then how do we even know it still tastes like that gros michel stuff? If they died out, no one knows what they taste like. For all we know, they could’ve just been flavoring it yellow this whole time.

Logan: *computer error noises*

~

Virgil: When given the choice, always bet on Batman.

Patton: Why? Because he’s so strong?

Virgil: No. Because he’s rich. Even if you lose, at least you got on his good side. He might pay you back.

~

Patton: What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

Logan: Is this a pun or are you actually asking? 

Patton: Both.

~

Patton: I farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.

Logan: That is an incredibly rude thing to do.

Roman: Hey, Lo? That was a pun. He didn’t actually do it.

Patton: That was a pun?

Roman: … I stand corrected.

~

Roman: Have you been to that new restaurant?

Virgil: Which one?

Roman: It’s called Karma. There’s no menu. You just get what you deserve.

Virgil: Well then I-

Patton: *tackle hugs* You deserve all the love in the world!

~

Roman: Logan, I have an important question. The answer could change everything.

Logan: Well then, what is it?

Roman: Who is more aerodynamic? Me or Remus?

Logan: *sighs*

Roman: Wait! Don’t leave! I’m being serious! We’re making one of those canon things!

~

Roman: I think I broke my finger.

Patton: But on the other hand, you’re completely fine!

Logan: Now is not the time for puns. Remus slammed it in a door. Get some ice while I stop the bleeding.

~

Thomas: *driving*

Remus: Hit that person.

Virgil: Break! Break! You’re going too fast!

Remus: Do it! You won’t!

Thomas: *pulls over*

Virgil: What are you doing? You’re going to be late!

Thomas: We are going to wait here until Patton finishes making his cookies and you two leave me alone to go eat them.

Remus: Cookies? Dibs on the leftover cookie dough! *sinks out*

Virgil: There are no cookies, are there?

Thomas: Nope. Let’s keep driving.


	13. Set XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited about 14 chapters between two stories yesterday. You guys should be seeing a couple new things posted soon.
> 
> *misspelled the chapter title it's been fixed please ignore it whoops*

Virgil: Bad news. I broke my closet door.

Roman: Good thing we’ve been out of the closet for years!

Virgil: I’m being serious. When I turn off the lights, it looks like something’s going to jump out at me. Help me fix it before I lose any more sleep.

~

Roman: Someone help me perfect my superhero entrance.

Virgil: Why? You don’t need one. You’re not a superhero.

Roman: But I could be.

Logan: Not if you practice superhero entrances. The impact is very hard on your knees. Bad knees could ruin your career.

~

Roman: Someone smell my hands.

Virgil: Ew. No. Why?

Roman: They smell weird.

Remus: *proudly* I soaked them in expired milk when you were sleeping.

~

Roman: Ugh. Windows takes so long to update.

Virgil: Yeah, my computer’s been down all morning.

Roman: Computer?

Virgil: *looks up* … Did you knock out that window and replace it with an etch-a-sketch?

Roman: Maybe.

~

Virgil: What would you do if you two switched minds?

Remus: Take my pants off!

Roman: … We’re parts of the same person.

Remus: And?

Roman: We have the same body.

Remus: And?

Roman: We’re brothers!

Remus: I’m not going to do anything! I just like the freedom!

~

Roman: Papa.

Patton: Yes?

Remus: Patata.

Patton: What?

Roman: Papa!

Patton: What is it?

Remus: Patata!

Patton: I’m so confused!

Roman: Papas fritas!

Remus: Patatas fritas!

Patton: *hurts self in confusion*

~

Emile: What seems to be the issue?

Roman: Remus is a monster.

Remus: Roman is an ignorant prick.

Emile: What happened?

Roman: He thinks the Spanish word for potato is patata! It’s papa!

Remus: We speak different kinds of Spanish!

Roman: More people call them papas!

Remus: Doesn’t mean they can’t also be called patatas?

Emile: Well, potatoes are from Ireland and Irish people call them spuds so-

Roman: No.

Emile: What?

Remus: Potatoes are from Peru.

~

Patton: How are you?

Roman: Things are good!

Virgil: *narrator voice* Things were not good.

~

Virgil: *narrator voice* And now we observe the wild Logan in its natural habitat. 

Logan: *sets down book to go to the kitchen*

Virgil: *narrator voice* And now his hunt for Crofers begins. Will his quest be fruitful? Or will a wandering Roman beat him to his prey?

Logan: You’re ruining my dining experience.

~

Deceit: When 2020 began, I said that this was a start to a terrible decade. Roman said “Uh-oh, pessimist alert.”

Roman: I said I was sorry.

Deceit: Another war almost started. We can’t leave our homes. I think Earth has an extra moon but I’m not sure because I can’t fact check anything with the news so messed up. Hugging is now banned. Australia was literally on fire. I will never let this go.

~

Virgil: How is your signature so good? 

Roman: When we were like 15, I decided I was going to make a signature so I just sat down and practiced.

Virgil: Wait, really? You didn’t feel stupid doing it?

Roman: Virgil, you’re 30 and your signature looks like an 8 year old tried to his name in cursive for the first time. Go practice.

~

Patton: How’d you sleep last night?

Virgil: Fine until SOMEBODY decided to get chips in the middle of the night!

Roman: You heard that?

Virgil: The bag isn’t as quiet as you think Roman!

~

Virgil: Sometimes I wake up and my throat is really dry so I chug a bunch of water at 3 am and I think water is the best thing on the planet but then in the middle of the afternoon I never want to drink anything.

Logan: That’s because you’re a mouth breather at night.

Virgil: Wait, really? How dumb do I look when I’m asleep?

Roman: Dumber than Deceit in a tutu.

~

Deceit: I was cleaning my desk and I found a $2 bill.

Virgil: Can I have it?

Deceit: No. It’s mine.

Virgil: You have like ten. I’ve seen your collection.

Deceit: Which is why I need it more than you. I have a collection and you don’t.

~

Roman: Can dogs break their thumbs?

Logan: Dogs don’t have thumbs.

Roman: Oh right.

Deceit: No, that was a good question. They have thumbs but not opposable thumbs. They’re called dewclaws.

Roman: Wait, does Deceit know something Logan doesn’t?

Logan: *computer error noises*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many of these were based off real events in the recent past. Breaking the closet door, pessimist alert, weird smelling hands, Windows updates, gross signatures, being woken up by chips, being dehydrated... This was quarantine life two weeks ago.
> 
> Oh, and potatoes are the new Wednesday. If you're not part of the orange/ patata squad, you're wrong.


	14. Set XIV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We haven't had an update in a few days longer than usual. Sorry about that. My physics class resumed and my sculpting class is now remote. Plus, I have a few new stories for you guys: Five Old Men Sitting On a Bench (Not Now, Not Ever. Never Again), an emotional Deceit fic; Stolen From the Violet, a Magic. Fantasy AU where Virgil is a dragon; and Voiceless, a Ben 10/ Sanders Sides Crossover. Check them out if you're interested.

Deceit: *driving* Where are my sunglasses?

Remus: Check the cheese compartment.

Deceit: What?

Virgil: He means the glove box.

Deceit: How did you know that?

Virgil: When Thomas was seven, he found a slice of cheese in the glove box of his mom’s car. We had a very long argument about what he should do with it.

Remus: *mumbling* Still think he should’ve eaten it.

~

Remus: Do you ever just run your hand through your armpit hair?

Roman: No. 

Remus: Try it.

Roman: *starts rolling up sleeve* Didn’t you burn off all your armpit hair?

Remus: Yeah. I was going to ask if I could borrow yours.

Roman: *rolls sleeve back down*

~

Roman: What’s up with Logan?

Virgil: You know that feeling when you’re cleaning your room and you find money?

Roman: Did that happen to him?

Virgil: No, he sat down to do Thomas’s taxes but when he checked to see if the printer was working, he realized he already did them.

Roman: The money would be better.

Virgil: Agreed.

~

Roman: What’s it called when the author kills the main character at the end of a book?

Logan: I don’t think there’s a name for that.

Virgil: Unless it’s an autobiography.

~

Virgil: Why does Odie let himself get bullied by Garfield? He’s a dog. He could totally fight back.

Roman: You literally have a cat. You of all people should know how dangerous that is.

~

Roman: Thomas had the day off so I decided to finish the sword I started a week ago. I know it’s not perfect but-

Virgil: Stop.

Roman: What?

Virgil: Just stop. Don’t make me feel any worse about myself than I already do.

~

Remus: I don’t know what this is but I’m the green guy. 

Logan: Why?

Remus: I dunno but the stuff he’s doing… I relate to it on a spiritual level.

Logan: *looks at Remus’s phone over his shoulder* You’re looking at your camera roll. That’s just you four years ago.

~

Roman: Deceit, about your search history...

Deceit: I can explain.

Roman: You are a giant nerd.

Deceit: I really like dragons, okay?

~

Patton: Come on out so everyone can see you.

Virgil: *behind door* No.

Roman: Come on, it can’t be that bad.

Virgil: *walks out in a cat onesie*

Roman: *screams* You’re so cute!

Patton: *wipes away tear* Just like your old man!

Virgil: Okay, I did it. Can I have my skeleton onesie back?

Patton & Roman: *whispering* Never.

~

Patton: *screams*

Roman: *runs in with sword* What is it?

Patton: Spider!

Virgil: Don’t hurt Susan!

~

Remy: GURL!

Deceit: What’d I do?

Remy: No! Not you! My phone!

Deceit: ...What’d your phone do?

Remy: Every fucking morning, it disconnects from the Wi-Fi and I have to reconnect it but every fucking time we go to Joan’s house, it connects automatically!

Deceit: The audacity.

~

Roman: This mission is of the utmost importance. Everyone, we need codenames. Go.

Logan: Logos.

Virgil: Forgo 10.

Patton: Spaghetti Master.

~

Remy: Fuck off Karen!

Logan: I do not understand the meaning in calling a specific type of person a “Karen” when there is no reason for-

Remy: No! Not Karen-kind! This Karen! LinkedIn keeps sending me notifications about her. Like, gurl, I don’t care that you have 22 new connections.

Logan: Ah. I see. Would you like help disabling them?

Remy: No. Let me have something to be upset about.

~

Virgil: You know you’re an adult when you have a favorite skillet.

Roman: What’s a skillet?

Virgil: How am I supposed to know?

~

Remus: *puts on Roman’s costume* How do I look?

Deceit: Dreadful.

Remus: *spluters* Rude much?

Deceit: I know what I said.


	15. Set XV

Roman: So then-

Virgil: The fuck?

Roman: What?

Virgil: A rake just fell off the roof.

Roman: Really?

Virgil: Yeah. Come look.

~

Remus: I fits, I sits.

Deceit: Get off my lap.

~

Virgil: I just watched my cat crawl out of bed, take a few steps, turn around, and go back to bed and honestly I’ve never related to anything more.

Deceit: Mood.

Virgil: Don’t pretend like you’ve never done that.

Deceit: You’re right. I have.

~

Emile: Are you okay? I heard yelling earlier.

Virgil: I got into a bit of a fight earlier.

Emile: Is everything okay?

Virgil: Yeah. The toaster and I have been through too much to stay mad at each other for long.

~

Virgil: *screaming* What are you doing?

Remus: I know you’re a redditor at heart but you’ve gotta admit some of these TikTok trends are kind of amazing. 

Virgil: Deceit is putting makeup on Patton! Stop that!

Deceit: *hisses* No.

~

Logan: *dabs*

Roman: What are you doing? This is like the fifth dab today.

Virgil: Is this a cry for help? Dab twice if this is a cry for help.

~

Logan: We need to curb Remy’s caffeine addiction.

Deceit: He’s not putting that coffee down unless we take it by force.

Roman: On the count of three, I’m going to tackle him. Remus, you’re going to run up and snatch his cup from him. Got it?

Remus: Got it. 1… 2… 3… Go!

Remy: *slaps Roman down* Bitch, I hope the fuck you do.

Deceit: New plan?

Logan: New plan.

~

Virgil: I hope animals know how much we love them and what lengths we go for them.

Roman: Is your cat asleep on your shoulder?

Virgil: Help. I can’t move.

~

Roman: I can’t stop sneezing.

Patton: You know what they say! That means someone’s talking about you.

Roman: After midnight?

*Midnight in Remus’s room*

Virgil: He once got his leg stuck in a chair.

Deceit: That’s nothing. He’s had his head stuck in a microwave.

Remus: I honestly have no idea how I’m the smart brother.

~

Remus: *puts on Roman’s costume* How do I look?

Virgil: Take that off. It looks so wrong on you.

Remus: *spluters* Roman and I look exactly the same!

Virgil: And you have eyeshadow and facial hair.

Remus: I know. I got all the good looks. Your point?

~

Virgil: I am a danger to mankind.

Roman: How?

Virgil: When I’m at the store, I just put things back on random shelves. I don’t even try to find its original space.

Roman: Remind me never to go into an apocalypse with you at my side.

~

Virgil: Want to see something cool?

Deceit: Sure?

Virgil: *tosses a tortilla on Roman’s face*

Roman: *screams* I’m blind!

Deceit: Let me try.

Virgil: Give it a minute. It’s fun to watch him panic.

~

Deceit: You know that feeling when you throw something in the trash can and you miss?

Virgil: Yeah?

Deceit: And you have to pick it up again and it’s really gross?

Virgil: What’d Remus do?

Remus: *covered in vomit* Believe it or not, it wasn’t me this time.

~

Patton: Kiddos! I’m home! What’d you do while I was out?

Logan: We made pasta.

Virgil: But it was really disgusting so we made toast.

Remus: And we kept setting off the fire alarm.

Roman: So we just ate salami out of the bag.

Deceit: We only had one pack of salami. Please feed us. We’re starving.

~

Patton: You know what’s amazing?

Virgil: Hoodies.

Roman: Naps.

Patton: I was going to say you kiddos but you’re not wrong.


	16. Set XVI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing these things has been kind of slow. I wrote this one nearly a month ago and as of when I'm posting this, I have like six chapters backed up but it was slow for a week or two there. Just fought off one of those random periods of depression so here's hoping something exciting happens to inspire more quotes.

Virgil: You know one thing that everyone deals with and no one ever talks about?

Roman: What?

Virgil: When you fall asleep with socks on and you have to kick them off in the middle of the night.

Roman: Oh my god yes.

Remus: Wearing socks makes you 50% more likely to orgasm.

Virgil: You just had to ruin a good conversation, didn’t you?

~

Virgil: I’m more than a bird.

Deceit: I’m more than a plane.

Remus: I’M A BIRD PLANE!

Logan: Bird plane?

Deceit: Don’t question it. It’s better than the alternative. 

~

Virgil: *gets notification* OH MY GOD I JUST GOT ADOPTED.

Logan: By who?

Virgil: I- wait. No, nevermind. I misread it. Apparently I’m adopting Roman.

Logan: How did you misread the message that badly?

Virgil: I’m tired okay? Dads get eye bags…

Logan: You’re not a father.

Virgil: Don’t let Roman hear you say that.

~

Roman: Can someone get Remus to put down that pool noodle?

Deceit: Sure.

Remus: No! I had to fight an old woman and her six grandkids to get this!

Deceit: Okay, now I’m definitely taking it from him.

Remus: It’s mine!

Deceit: But do you deserve it? No. Hand it over.

Remus: No!

Deceit: Remus. Hand. Over. The. Pool. Noodle.

~

Roman: Virgil, shut up.

Virgil: That’s not me. That’s the fire alarm.

Roman: I know. I named the fire alarm Virgil.

Virgil: Why?

Roman: It’s fitting, don’t you think?

Virgil: No.

~

Patton: If I guess the number you’re thinking of, can we get a dog?

Logan: No.

Patton: If I guess the word you're thinking of, can we get a dog?

Logan: No.

Patton: That was the word I guessed.

Logan: That’s not how it works. Stop.

~

Remus: What would happen if you choked someone with all six of your arms?

Deceit: …They would die?

~

Remus: *crying*

Deceit: Are you okay?

Remus: Nnn…

Deceit: What are you doing with your... Ew. Stop trying to lick your own tears, Remus!

~

Virgil: Deceit help.

Deceit: What is it?

Virgil: I have this weird rash on my foot and-

Deceit: Wait.

Virgil: What?

Deceit: Why do you think I’m the person you should be telling this to?

Virgil: Oh. You’re right. Patton!

~

Logan: I’m installing an alarm system. We need a safety word.

Remus: Why? We’re not-

Logan: I’m going to stop you right there. We need a word that does not come up in everyday conversation to show that we are not speaking under duress when-

Roman: Whitney Houston.

Virgil: He just said it has to be a word that does not come up in everyday conversation.

~

Deceit: Remus’s pants are going to fall down in 3… 2… 1…

Roman: *screams in the distance*

Virgil: Wow, you really got the timing down, haven’t you?

Deceit: I’d say it’s a gift but it’s really not.

~

Logan: Can one of you convince Remus to take a shower? He smells terrible.

Deceit: *checks calendar* He’s already had his monthly bath. You’re going to have to wait another few weeks or do it yourself.

Logan: Do what myself?

Virgil: Remus doesn’t actually bathe. We just hose him down and throw soap in his general direction once in awhile.

~

Roman: I have gathered you all here today to destroy a massive danger threatening the mindscape.

Patton: What is it?

Roman: *points at Logan* Him! 

Logan: What did I do?

Roman: You have seen a sinfully low number of Disney movies. We are going to change that.

Patton: Ooh! Family movie night! Where are the others?

Logan: They’re watching Wall-E in the living room.

Roman: *draws sword* Get that Pixar out of here!

~

Remus: Soap is just lube for your hands.

Deceit: No… No, it’s not.

Virgil: I mean, kind of.

Deceit: Stop. You’re going to give him ideas.

Remus: Too late.

~

Logan: I don’t understand the phrase spitting image.

Roman: Why?

Logan: One’s spitting image is a near replica of said person but spitting is very unsanitary. Isn’t it a bad thing if your image is spitting at you?

Roman: *realization* Remus is my spitting image, isn’t he?


	17. Set XVII: Removed II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quarantine update: Depression was being a bitch and I didn't write for a few days but I fought it off so all is well. Mostly. Only now anxiety and gender dysphoria decided to take a stab and be worse than usual. I can't win.  
> This is another rejected quote chapter. These were removed from previous chapters before they were posted. Some of them are pretty good, some of them are not. I haven’t had anyone look at these things since the first 5 chapters so their quality is for you to decide. Enjoy!

Virgil: What do we do when we run out of water?

Patton: What?

Virgil: We’d have to ration the water between six people.

Patton: Sinks…?

Virgil: Oh right. Nevermind. We’re fine.

Deceit: Don’t drink Florida tap water. It’ll make you sick.

Virgil: We’re doomed.

Logan: He’s lying. It’s perfectly fine.

Virgil: Guys, stop confusing me.

~

Virgil: Remember in, like, 2016 when we used to listen to a ton of pokemon raps?

Roman: Like Electrode, Diglett, Nindoran, Mankey?

Virgil: No, like… Flex On You Trainers MACHAMP!

Remus & Deceit: *bust in* 

Remus: Ball on you hoes DURANT!

Roman: What?

Deceit: These haters they don’t understand.

~

Deceit: In the movie Ratatouille, Remy and Emile are brothers.

Virgil: And?

Deceit: Think about that for a moment.

Virgil: Okay… Oh. Oh. Ew.

~

Virgil: How is birthday cake different from normal cake?

Patton: Birthday cake has sprinkles!

Roman: Yeah but it tastes different. Logan, why does it taste different?

Logan: Um…

Deceit: Birthday cake is just vanilla with sprinkles. It tastes different because normal white cake doesn’t have much vanilla if any. 

Logan: Yeah. That.

Roman: Did Deceit just say something Logan doesn’t know?

Remus: We’re all going to die.

~

Emile: Thomas tells me he has trouble sleeping because you make him think about things that happened years ago that upset you. Would like to talk about them?

Virgil: I guess? Where should we start?

Emile: What were you thinking about last night?

Virgil: You’re going to think this is stupid.

Emile: No thoughts are stupid and if it’s keeping Thomas up, that’s more than enough reason to be concerned.

Virgil: Okay so, um, when Thomas was in high school, he used to eat a banana every day. He’d plan on eating it every day during passing period so he’d open it but then he’d decide he didn’t want to eat it so he’d put it back in his backpack and just eat it during lunch. He ate a pre-opened banana every day for like three years.

Emile: … Okay, I take back what I said. That is stupid and you need to stop thinking about it.

~

Patton: Has anyone seen my cookie cutters?

Roman: Are you making cookies?

Patton: No but I can if you want.

Roman: But you don’t have cookie cutters.

Virgil: How do you think people made cookies before cookie cutters were invented?

Patton: With love!

Roman: Do cookie cutters cut the love out of the cookies? Because if they do, I don’t want you to find them.

Virgil: No- I don’t- *sighs* Nevermind.

~

Virgil: I am in a state where time does not exist. You are my only connection to reality. Speak to me or I will pass out.

Patton: *panics* Roman! Logan! Help!

~

Roman: Logan, I have a financial question.

Logan: Finally something I can help you with. What seems to be the issue?

Roman: So I’m pricing all my trading cards and I got this secret rare pokemon card and normally those are worth a few bucks. The only problem is that it’s printed in Korean so-

Logan: Forget I said anything.

~

Roman: Am I ugly?

Virgil: No, you look like a prince.

Roman: Oh thank you!

Deceit: That was not a compliment. You ever seen an actual prince? They’re extremely ugly.

Roman: *offended Princey noises*

~

Patton: It’s been nice knowing you.

Virgil: Oh my god, are you going to die?

Patton: No, I just meant so far.

Logan: If there is something wrong, you should seek medical assistance.

Patton: No… I- Nevermind.

~

Deceit: Do you guys remember that time Roman fought an oven and lost?

Roman: Please don’t…

Virgil: Yes, but I’d love to hear the story again.

Deceit: So it was a Thursday afternoon-

Roman: I’m never going to live this down am I?

~

Roman: Ugh. I hate allergies.

Virgil: Haha, loser.

Roman: Me? Your allergies are worse than mine!

Virgil: No. I literally don’t deal with allergies.

Logan: That’s because you take allergy medicine.

Virgil: I do?

Logan: You have an allergy attack at approximately 3 am every night and wake up the entire mindscape by knocking the bottles over in the kitchen cabinet in your panic.

Virgil: Oh… Right. Sorry. It’s become so autopilot that I don’t even notice anymore.

Patton: *concerned dad noises*

~

Virgil: My stomach feels weird.

Logan: Drink water and focus on your breathing.

Virgil: Why?

Logan: Because that’s what you do when your stomach feels weird.

Remus: Or you can just go take a dump.

Virgil: … I think it’s that one.

~

Roman: What’d I miss?

Logan: Not much. We talked about various topics but these nighttime conversations are rarely eventful.

Virgil: Moral of the story… Patton?

Patton: Trust your bladder.

Logan: Precisely.

Roman: *confused Princey noises* Now I really want to know what I missed.

~

Logan: Ayo!

Patton: Ayo?

Logan: *pulls out flashcards* Is that not a friendly greeting?

Patton: *shrugs*

Logan: *sighs* Crossing that one off the list.

~

Virgil: *narrator voice* Home alone, Roman had to take drastic measures to ward off loneliness.

Roman: *holding two garden gnomes* Patricia, I’m going to need you to stop saying those kinds of things to Justin. He has a sensitive soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I mentioned it before but the last chapter of Words went up a few days ago so go check that out if you're interested.  
> Oh, and this story inspired someone else to write their own Incorrect Quotes! You can find that story in the works inspired by this one thing. If any of you want to post something similar to this story, let me know and I'll add your links to that.


	18. Set XVIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not feeling the greatest. Anxiety is weird guys. Makes me feel like shit but also it gives me the energy to do things.

Virgil: I just had a realization…

Roman: What?

Virgil: Why do we wear pants?

Roman: Okay, it’s time for you to get out of the house.

Virgil: Wait! Here me out. We’re imaginary. We live in Thomas’s head. We all have the same body so…

Roman: Oh my god, you’re right.

~

Virgil: Get rid of that thing now Thomas. Get rid of it now.

Patton: Don’t be mean to Alexa, Virge.

Virgil: She’s listening to us!

Logan: We’re imaginary. She can’t hear us. If anything, she’s listening to Thomas.

Virgil: Yeah right, like that’s so much better. Alexa, how many people are in this room?

Alexa: Since corpses don’t count as people and we can’t see ghosts, there are two people remaining in this room.

Sides:

Virgil: Thomas…

Thomas: Yeah, I heard you. Getting rid of it.

~

Roman: What are you doing?

Patton: Deceit and I are watching videos of baby pandas!

Roman: *snickers* Deceit? And baby pandas?

Deceit: Literally every second of a baby panda’s existence is complete and utter chaos and there aren’t enough words in the English language to express how much I love it.

~

Roman: How is Virgil such a good actor?

Virgil: The secret is that I’m fully prepared to fucking cry at all times.

Roman: *concerned Princey noises*

~

Virgil: What’s your G-Note?

Roman: What?

Deceit: *Mysterious Paths starts playing*

Virgil: Nevermind. Forget I asked.

Remus: *Forbidden Fruit starts playing* 

Virgil: I said stop.

~

Logan: Fear means one thing and one thing only.

Virgil: Forget everything and run.

Roman: Face everything and rise.

Remus: Fuck every available rectum.

Patton: SPIDERS!

Logan: Why do I try?

~

Patton: Remus! I got you something.

Remus: *reading* From ancient medical practices to doomsday scenarios, to disgusting food from around the world, and the entire terrifying state of Floridas, the facts in  _ Are You Sh*tting Me? _ are sure to entertain and disturb you at once. Unless, of course, you are already disturbed in which case, this is the book for you!

Patton: Do you like it?

Remus: *crying* Thank you.

Virgil: What have you done?

~

Logan: *reading* When hippos shit, they spin their tails in order to spread it all over the place. The radius they cover can reach up to 10 meters.

Remus: Deceit!

Deceit: I’m not buying you a hippo!

~

Patton: Do we have FBI agents?

Logan: What?

Patton: Virgil says everyone has an FBI agent who keeps watch over them. Since we’re apart of Thomas, do we each have our own FBI agent or does Thomas’s just watch over all of us?

Logan: *sighs* Virgil…

Virgil: This is an actual question. I’m actually concerned.

~

Roman: A dream is a wish the heart makes.

Thomas: I had a dream that all of you were naked and trying to make a human pyramid.

Roman: Sometimes it’s not the heart. Sometimes it’s just Remus. 

~

Roman: What do you want to watch next? Fantasia? Cinderella?

Virgil: I need a break from… this. I need something more grown up.

*ten minutes later*

Logan: *walks in* I’m glad you found something so… adult.

Virgil: Fuck off. Imagination Movers is amazing and you know it.

~

Remy: In this world, it is yeet or get yeeted.

Virgil: What if I want to yeet myself?

Remy: Don’t worry, babes. There’s a national holiday for that.

Roman: Yeet yo self day.

~

Remus: Did you know Viagra is the world’s most counterfeited drug?

Virgil: What is wrong with people?

Remus: Erectile dysfunction apparently.

Virgil: Other than that.

Remus: High s-

Virgil: Stop. It was a rhetorical question.

~

Remus: Fuck me with a spoon twice daily.

Roman: Unwashed socks are actually intoxicated birds.

Logan: What is happening?

Virgil: I think they’ve invented a new language. Shut up and help me take notes. I need to crack this code.

~

Virgil: Emperor’s New Clothing.

Roman: Emperor's New Groove.

Virgil: Emperor’s New Clothing.

Roman: Emperor's New Groove.

Logan: Who is this emperor and why does he have so many new things?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the book that Patton gave Remus, if that wasn't clear. That's an actual book. There are a million "do not use this book for anything" warnings on that thing (which is kind of ridiculous since it's a book of facts and the sources are listed) so just making it clear that I did not come up with the summary Remus read. The book is by Carry McNeal. It's a good book if you guys are looking for some good Remus fuel.
> 
> We haven't had a themed chapter in awhile. Anything you guys particularly want to see? I might do some prompted my the new playlists but I don't know.


	19. Set XIX

Roman: *hits G-Note*

Virgil: *does nothing*

Logan: *screams*

Roman: …

Logan: It startled me.

Roman: Right.

~

Virgil: I have so many questions.

Remy: I do too!

Virgil: What’s the deal with pumpkin spice seasonal depression?

Remy: Should I ask out Emile?

Both: ...

Virgil: Clearly we’re not on the same page.

Remy: Right. Let’s take a step back, forget about this, and start over.

~

Virgil: Good morning.

Logan: Your hoodie is on inside out.

Virgil: I take it back. Fuck you and your morning.

~

Patton: Dog goes woof. Cat goes meow.

Logan: Bird goes tweet and mouse goes squeak.

Virgil: Cow goes moo. Frog goes croak. And the elephant goes toot.

Deceit: Duck say quack. And fish go blub. And the seal says ow ow ow.

Roman: But there’s one sound… that no one knows…

Remus: *holds up octopus* What does the Harold say?

Hector: Put me down.

Sides: *chanting* Put me down! Put me down! Put me down! Put me down!

~

Roman: Can we just rid the world of invisible onion cutting ninjas?

Deceit: You have a crying session?

Roman: Not me. Virgil.

Deceit: He’s fine.

Roman: How can you say that?

Deceit: He just watched a movie with puppets. Puppets always get him.

Roman: Oh.

~

Logan: What are you doing?

Virgil: A broken rubber band brought me into this world and a broken rubber band will take me out.

Logan: Remy, stop putting rubber bands around Virgil’s head.

Remy: It’s for science. Come on, you’ve gotta appreciate the scientific aspect. 

~

Logan: Thomas has asked me to write an oath to contain your behavior. Do you consent to swearing to it?

Remus: Um… Sure?

Logan: Alright then. Repeat after me.

Remus: Repeat after me.

Logan: I will never, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who I am with, or where I am going, or where I've been, ever, for any reason whatsoever.

Remus: I- What?

~

Virgil: I’m nobody.

Patton: You are divine.

Virgil: How can you say that?

Patton: Nobody is perfect. Since you’re nobody, that means you’re perfect. If you’re perfect, that must mean you’re some kind of god but with a heart like yours-

Virgil: *sobs*

Patton: *hugs* I’ve got you kiddo.

~

Virgil: Are you wearing zebra print leggings?

Roman: I’m an okapi.

Virgil: You don’t have the thighs for that.

Roman: *offended Princey noises*

~

Roman: I’m the hotter brother.

Remus: No I am!

Roman: You’ve already got grey hairs.

Remus: And? That just means I’m one step closer to being a wizard.

Roman: … I want to be a wizard.

Remus: Sucks to suck, ugly.

~

Patton: Soup’s on!

Logan: We’re not eating soup.

Virgil: No soup for you!

~

Deceit: What are you supposed to do when the birthday song is being sung to you? It’s so awkward.

Virgil: Pick one person to unflinchingly stare at and whisper the song back on a one second delay.

Deceit: I knew there was a reason you’re my favorite.

~

Patton: What letters of the alphabet are we?

Virgil: You’re a P, Roman is an R, Logan is an L, and I’m a Q.

Roman: Why are you a Q? Why aren’t you a V? You belong at the end of the alphabet with all the other weirdo, goth letters.

Virgil: I should be a V and I’m spiritually a V but P and R have kidnapped me and are using their combined power to keep me in the bright, sunny part of the alphabet like the bunch of middle letters they are.

Patton: Aww! That’s cute. So why is Logan an L?

Virgil: Because he’s a loser, why else?

~

Virgil: You ever notice Logan kinda looks like Weird Al in his parody White and Nerdy?

Roman: Oh my god.

Virgil: I know right?

Roman: I will never be able to unsee that.

Virgil: Deceit and I are thinking about introducing him to Star Trek.

~

Logan: *singing* Am I blue? Am I blue? Ain’t these tears in my eyes telling you?

Remus: *shovels popcorn into mouth loudly*

Logan: *turns around* Not a word.

Remus: Keep singing and I _might_ keep quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the "White and Nerdy" joke before Logan's Playlist came out. I'm either really hyped or salty about it. I haven't decided yet.
> 
> Also any guesses as to where the last joke came from?


	20. Set XX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 20! As of this chapter, 300 incorrect quotes have been posted here. Hope this has kept you guys entertained.
> 
> My writing motivation has been nonexistent but I am working on some of the themed chapters you guys suggested when I asked. Should come up within a few chapters.

Thomas: I don’t want to feed into that side of myself.

Remus: But I’m hungry.

Deceit: He can only eat so much deodorant. You’ve gotta give him some real food at some point.

Thomas: That’s not-

Remus: Feed me!

~

Roman: Roses are red, violets are blue.

Virgil: I am a disaster to humanity and you are too.

~

Remus: 01010000 0110101 01101110 01101001 0111011.

Virgil: Logan, help. Google translate isn’t working. 

~

Roman: Do you ever think about how you can never achieve a certain aesthetic because of your demographic? 

Virgil: *looks at self* No? I just wear whatever I want. I’m not really going for any aesthetic.

Roman: No, I mean like… Like you can never be a vsco girl.

Virgil: Why the fu-

Roman: Sorry, bad example. I’ve just been thinking alot about how I’ll never be able to be a hype beast.

Virgil: I mean… You could if you really wanted to.

~

Roman: What’s all this?

Logan: *in another room* What is it?

Roman: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Logan: I… I would like to know. That’s why I asked.

`

Emile: How are you feeling today?

Virgil: Like a tranquilized bear falling out of a tree.

~

Virgil: *narrator voice* No one dared venture close to the refrigerator for a dark, vicious beast sat atop it, watching any who came seeking the fridge’s treasures with a predatory gaze.

Patton: Do you need help getting down?

Virgil: Please. I don’t even know how I got up here in the first place.

~

Roman: In like a lion…

Remus: Out like a green seven headed carnivorous pufferfish. 

Patton: Who’s wearing a bow tie!

~

Patton: Where were you boys? Logan says you weren’t at school all day!

Roman: We were making friendship bracelets.

Virgil: Want one?

~

Deceit & Logan: *talking*

Roman: You guys are such Logans.

Logan: … Thank you?

Deceit: *hisses*

~

Virgil: Fuck.

Patton: Language!

Virgil: English? Actually, you know what? I don’t need no fancy pants language. From now on, I will communicate exclusively through goat screams.

Everyone: No!

~

Virgil: You enter a large cave and encounter a fork in the road. You can either-

Patton: I go to the kitchen.

Virgil: There is no kitchen. You’re in a cave.

Patton: I open the fridge.

Virgil: Stop that. We’re not in a kitchen. We’re in a cave.

~

Virgil: Roman! Roman! Wake up!

Roman: … Wha-?

Virgil: 50% of the word Canada is the letter A.

Roman: *falls off bed*

~

Remy: Whoever threw that, your mom’s a hoe!

Patton: Language!

Logan: None of us have mothers.

Deceit: No one threw anything.

Remy: I know. I just wanted to say it. Let me have this.

~

Remus: Roman, I need to borrow a plane.

Roman: Why?

Remus: Deceit insists that I need supervision and you know how Virgil feels about my planes.

Roman: Remus. What are you doing?

Remus: Have you ever heard of blue ice?

Roman: N- You know what? I don’t want to know. Plane’s on my side of the imagination. Don’t destroy it.

Remus: No promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who don’t know, blue ice is frozen urine that falls out of planes. Sometimes it impales people.
> 
> Also the hype beast conversation happened irl. No joke. Only difference is that it took place between two Asian afab people so it makes a bit more sense but I can see Roman getting caught up on random shit like that.


	21. Set XXI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler warning in this Author's Note. *Look away if you have not seen the newest episode of Sanders Sides (5/1/2020)*  
> Okay so new episode was wild. I am not going to scream over it and theorize here but I encourage you guys to check out the Sanders Sides subreddit or some Sanders Sides discord servers if you want to talk about it with a group, or you can talk to me.  
> Regarding Deceit's name, I have the next 5 or 6 chapters written or in progress so we're not going to see it in awhile but it will appear later.

Virgil: Beep beep I’m a sheep.

Patton: Meow meow I’m a cow.

Remus: Bark bark I’m a shark.

Virgil & Patton: *gasp loudly* 

~

Logan: Define a human in five words or less.

Virgil: Skin, bones, and massive depression.

Logan: … Fair.

~

Deceit: What’s the difference between hard salami and dry salami?

Virgil: *jumps off fridge and runs to the door* I don’t know but I’m going to find out!

~

Virgil: *staring at the ceiling* Can soda milk bread?

Deceit: Stop asking me all the hard questions in the middle of the night.

Remus: *walks in with food* He was just trying to guess what I was holding but I’m curious now.

~

Patton: What font am I?

Roman: Patrick Hand… No, Permanent Marker. Nay! Indie Flower. You’re Indie Flower.

Patton: What about you? I think you’re a Corsiva. Maybe Dancing Script?

Roman: I’m so glad you didn’t say Times New Roman.

Patton: Aww, kiddo! You’re so much more than Times New Roman. 

Virgil: What am I?

Roman: Verdana.

*2 years later*

Roman: Really? That’s the most offended you’ve ever been?

Virgil: You put zero thought into that and you picked such a boring font.

Logan: I can’t believe you two. This is ridiculous.

Roman & Virgil: Shut up, Roboto.

~

Patton: We’re all just fleshy blobs with skeletons inside of us.

Logan: Actually, a human is made up of a brain and a heart, both of which are inside the skull and the ribcage respectively.

Virgil: So we’re wearing our skeletons? 

Remus: We’re just organs piloting bone mechs wearing flesh armor.

Deceit: Sounds legit.

~

Roman: You know people think you’re tall  _ and _ fat if they ask you to play football instead of basketball.

Virgil: How did you realize this? This literally does not apply to us.

Roman: Because we’re not tall and fat?

Virgil: No, because we’re theater kids. Not one of us could throw to save a life.

~

Deceit: What are you doing?

Remus: *slowly approaches*

Deceit: Seriously, leave me alone. What do you want?

Remus: *pulls out straw*

Deceit: *sighs* You can drink the bath water  _ after _ I get out.

Remus: Ugh! Fine!

~

Virgil: Always listen to the music you want to play at your funeral.

Roman: Why?

Virgil: Whoever finds your body will think whatever’s playing is your favorite and they’ll want to play that song at your funeral and there’s no way in hell you guys are listening to Shawn Mendas instead of Brendon Urie at my funeral.

~

Roman: *holding Virgil’s hands* You are my fire. My one desire. Believe when I say…

Virgil: You can’t have any of my pizza.

Roman: But why?

Virgil: It has anchovies on it.

Roman: *storms away* You’re a disappointment!

~

Patton: So what is adultery?

Remus: The process of becoming an adult.

Virgil: Remus, no.

Remus: Remus, yes!

Deceit: Let him be, Virgil.

Virgil: But-

Deceit: Do you want him telling Patton what adultery actually is?

Virgil: … Good point.

~

Virgil: Nightmares are just free horror movies you produce, direct, and star in.

Thomas: I thought you guys controlled my dreams.

Virgil: Nightmares are just free horror movies I produce, Remus directs, and you star in.

Thomas: Thanks.

~

Deceit: What are you doing?

Remus: *has lamp cover on head* I’m a genie in a lamp!

Deceit: Wrong kind of lamp.

Remus: I’m not going to let that stop me.

Virgil: Hey, genie, I wish to be happy.

Remus: *takes lamp cover off head* But I will let that stop me.

~

Remus: *steps out of bathroom*

Deceit: Hazmat suit?

Virgil: Check.

Deceit: Oxygen tank?

Virgil: Check.

Deceit? Gas mask?

Virgil: Check.

Deceit: Then charge!

Virgil: *runs into bathroom* Febreze assault!

~

Remus: Patton! I got you something!

Patton: What is it?

Remus: *hands him a mace*

Patton: Thanks kiddo!

Deceit: You were totally planning to hit him with that, weren’t you?

Remus: He saved me some cookie dough.


	22. Set XXI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I did some massive editing the other night and finished all the themed chapters you guys requested and compiled all the pending incorrect quotes so all the ones with *spoiler* Deceit's new name are together. We'll see Janus in Chapter 28/29. In the meantime, enjoy seeing the name Deceit while you still can! I know I'm going to miss it.

Roman: *gets out of car*

Virgil: Want me to come with you?

Roman: Nah, it’s fine. I’ll only be like a minute. Want the keys in case you get killed?

Virgil: What?

Roman: *tosses keys and walks away*

Virgil: You can’t just walk away after saying something like that!

~

Logan: Stop. That’s not healthy.

Virgil: *looks up with stack of toast in mouth* I’m bready to die.

~

Roman: We don’t need to talk about it.

Remus: I think we do.

Virgil: What happened?

Roman: Remus, don’t-

Remus: I just caught Roman belting Primadonna in the shower to hide the fact he was having an emotional breakdown.

~

Roman: Virgil, I’m the Jackie Paper to your Puff the Magic Dragon.

Virgil: I don’t think that means what you think it does.

Roman: I know exactly what it means. You’re being replaced. Come Nasty Man!

Remus: *runs in* Yes Wonderboy!

Virgil: *sighs* I regret allowing Thomas to put that song on your playlist.

~

Virgil: Coffee or tea?

Roman: Coffee.

Virgil: *spits out liquid* That was a lie.

Roman: I thought you were asking me what I wanted to drink.

Virgil: No, I was asking you what this weird brown liquid Remus just handed me is.

Roman: Oh… Don’t drink that.

Virgil: Too late.

~

Virgil: Vibe check!

Roman: What?

Deceit: *runs in to catch Virgil* Don’t jump off the fucking fridge! And who let you have that knife? Give me that!

~

Roman: So you have a spider and a cat?

Virgil: Yeah.

Roman: How do they not eat each other?

Logan: Each other?

~

Remus: I just banged the Dragon Witch.

Virgil: Woah! 

Roman: What the fuck?

Virgil: Wait, you’re a gay man and she’s a female lizard thing. How did-

Deceit: He means he shot her. Like with a shotgun. He found one this morning.

Roman: *visible relief* Oh good.

Virgil: Found?

~

Virgil: What are some good atheist substitutes for the word god or Jesus that won’t get Patton mad at me? 

Logan: Why?

Virgil: I stubbed my toe this morning. Chaos ensued, a lot of swearing happened, Patton heard. I need to expand my vocabulary.

Deceit: Darwin? Cheez Its? Bleezus?

Virgil: ...

Roman: Dog. It’s god but backwards.

Virgil: That’s the one.

~

Virgil: Things I have done this week: stick a fork in a toaster, practice first aid, go to the emergency room…

Logan: Are you okay?

Virgil: Oh, none of those events were related.

~

Virgil: *looking out window* That looks like Roman.

Deceit: Yeah, it- wait. That is Roman. Should we help him?

Roman: *screaming*

Virgil: Nah, looks like he’s got it.

Deceit: If the lawn mower eats him, don’t blame me.

~

Logan: Is that bluetooth?

Virgil: This is a fidget cube.

Logan: But is it bluetooth?

~

Logan: Home is your primary place of residence and the place you long for while away from it.

Patton: Home is where the heart lies and where your family is.

Roman: Home is where you feel safe and where you go to rest when the outside world wears you down.

Virgil: Home is where you trust the toilet seat and where the water doesn’t taste funny.

~

Remus: *whispering* The average person has one fallopian tube.

Roman: What?

Remus: *scurries away*

Roman: Don’t leave! Explain!

~

Roman: *sighs*

Virgil:

Roman: *sighs louder*

Virgil:

Roman: How loud do I have to sigh for you to ask if I’m okay?


	23. Set XXIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so many chapters backed up that I might start posting these a bit more frequently. As much as I'd like to have an update schedule, time is an illusion and I think a day has passed about three times during one day.

Virgil: Life is just a hallucination you get by breathing oxygen.

Remus: So if I hold my breath, I’ll see reality?

Virgil: Probably. Give it a shot?

Deceit: Virgil, stop giving him ideas.

~

Virgil: Deceit, I need you to convince Remus to put on some clothes.

Deceit: *looks up* He’s wearing socks.

Virgil: Being naked wearing socks is more naked than being naked without socks.

Deceit: *tosses Remus his hat*

Virgil: You somehow just made it worse.

~

Virgil: T̵͠o͡ ҉i͜nvơ̵k̴e̡ ͜t͏h҉e͏ ͞h̸͞i̵̕͘v̢̕e̶̷-m͘̕i͜n̵͝d ̴͜rep͢r͞e̕͞s̕҉e͘͞҉ņ͜ti̶͏̵n͝͏g c̨͠h̨̧a̵o̵s͡.͝ ̸I̢n̨͘͞v҉̡o̕͜k͟i̢n͜g̨ ͏̡t̛͝he ̴̡f͟͜e͘e̶li͏n͏̨g̡ o̴̵f͟ ̸̨͡c̵̕h͞a͜os̶͢.̕͏ ̴W̸̴̧į͢͝t̵͘͢h̶҉ơ̴u̵͠t̸ or̶҉d͟er. ͜Th̡e͠ N͜e̵͡z̸͜p̷͝͡e͜͟rdi͘͜a͏̨͏n̛ ̕h͘i̵̴v͏e-̸͠m̕͠i̶nd̸ ͠of̕͟ ͢cha͜o͠s͢͏.҉ ̨̛Z҉a͢͠lg͜o͏.̧ ҉̶H̕͝e ͞͡w͘h͢҉o͏̷͘ ̕̕Wai̶̷tş͝ ̧͘Beh̨i̡̨n̵d̴ ̢T͡he ̷͏W̶͠a͠l̴l҉. ̢Z̛͠A҉͡Ļ͞G͜͠͞O̢͡͝!̧͟

Patton: *screaming*

Roman: Every Side for himself!

Remus: *grabs Deceit* I don’t want to die!

Logan: …

Virgil: You’re no fun.

~

Virgil: Coffee or tea?

Roman: Coffee.

Virgil: *hands cup* Nope, it’s tea.

~

Roman: Let’s go!

Logan: Wait. Are there any signs you shouldn’t be doing this?

Roman: Um, no?

Logan: Look again.

Roman: You mean that big yellow one over there that says do not enter? 

Logan: Yes, I mean the big yellow one over there that says do not enter.

~

Roman: *finger guns* Finger guns.

Remus: Finger gums?

Roman: No, finger guns.

Remus: Finger gums are way cooler.

Roman: Remus, no.

Remus: Remus, yes!

~

Deceit: What’s wrong with you?

Virgil: Dee…

Deceit: How can Harambe’s death in 2016 be our timeline’s flashpoint if the last bird died in 2001?

Virgil: There can be more than one flashpoint.

Logan: *gets up and leaves*

~

Logan: We need to talk.

Roman: *sighs* About Mufasa?

Logan: Yes. I have no idea how it is physically possible for anyone to cry that much over a lion’s death let alone a fictional one.

~

Roman: Why don’t you wear something different for a change?

Virgil: If someone wears black every day, it’s normal. If someone wears something like yellow every day, it’s weird. I’m fine.

Deceit: …

~

Roman: But how bad can his anxiety be?

Emile: He once told me he bought a pack of oreo's, kept it in his room for five months, and disposed of the box like a body so you guys wouldn’t know about it.

Roman: Okay but like if Virgil didn’t share, that’s his fault.

~

Virgil: Introverts don’t make friends. They’re just adopted by extroverts.

Logan: Am I not your friend?

Virgil: You are my brother.

~

Roman: My hands are cold. Wanna hold hands?

Virgil: Nah, I already got a hand to hold.

Roman: Whose?

Virgil: My own.

Roman: Why would you hold your own hand when you can hold someone else’s?

Virgil: Because my own hand will never let go.

Roman: … Patton! Help!

~

Logan: Why is Virgil screaming?

Deceit: He is challenging the gods.

Logan: Can he do it elsewhere?

Deceit: No.

~

Roman: What’s wrong?

Virgil: Deceit and I just spent three hours discussing who would win in a fight, Absorbing Man from Marvel or Kevin 11 from Ben 10.

Roman: And…?

Virgil: Roman, it’s bad. I just realized I’m a huge nerd.

Roman: And this is new information?

~

Roman: *eating shredded cheese out of the bag*

Logan: Cheese triggers the same part of the brain as hard drugs.

Roman: *continues shoveling cheese while maintaining eye contact*

Logan: You’re also lactose intolerant. 

Roman: I’ll take lactaid.

Virgil: *looks over shoulder* Too late for that. The entire fucking bag is already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So turns out Zalgo works on this site. I can't think of any more good jokes with it though.


	24. Set XXIV: Virgil's Cat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been *checks chapter list* 13 chapters since we've had a themed one? This wasn't a requested one but I wanted to write it.

Roman: Oh my god.

Deceit: What is it? Is it Virgil’s cat? Is he behind me? Is he watching me?

Roman: Don’t turn around. Keep your eyes on me. I’ll get you out of here and we’ll- Run.

Deceit: What?

Roman: Run!

~

Roman: I found this woodland creature on my walk this morning. It’s either a small wolf or a badger. I can’t tell.

Virgil: That’s my cat.

Roman: Are you sure? I remember your cat being a lot less violent than this guy. I had to give myself first aid on the way back.

Virgil: That’s him alright.

~

Patton: Who took my paint?

Deceit: Roman.

Virgil: Who took my cat?

Deceit: Roman.

Roman: *holds up cat* Simba, you will be king.

~

Patton: You’re bleeding!

Roman: I know.

Patton: What happened? 

Roman: Don’t worry. I kind of deserved it.

Patton: What. Happened.

Roman: I tried giving Virgil’s cat a bath.

Virgil: Why? Cats are like vaginas. They’re self-cleaning.

Logan: *runs in to cover Patton’s ears*

~

Virgil: *lying on table*

Logan: What are you doing?

Virgil: Channeling my inner cat.

Logan: Please get off.

Virgil: *knocks mug off table*

Logan: Virgil.

Virgil: I’m better than the real deal. Let me do my thing.

~

Roman: Toilet paper goes over.

Logan: It is the quickest, most efficient way to put the roll.

Virgil: I have a cat so don’t use cats as an excuse. Just do it right and I’ll forgive you.

Deceit: This has been a PSA.

Patton: *walks in* Um, guys? Why is there shredded toilet paper all over the house?

Virgil: Okay, who forgot to close the bathroom door?

~

Logan: Virgil, why is your cat standing on my lap?

Virgil: He’s going to show you his butthole.

Logan: What?

Virgil: Watch. Any minute now he’s going to turn around and lift his tail and show you his butthole. It’s how cats show their affection.

Logan: I don’t think that’s- Oh. There it is.

Remus: *shoves Roman* That is my new brother.

~

Deceit: Virgil, can you ask your cat to be quiet? He’s been crying all day. Virgil? Virgil?

Virgil: *outside* Help. Help. Help.

Deceit: *walks out* How did the both of you end up all the way up there?

Virgil: I don’t know. Get the ladder before he starts peeing on me.

~

Logan: Roman, can I borrow your Warriors books?

Roman: Um, why? I thought you didn’t like them.

Logan: I don’t. I’m trying to teach Virgil’s cat how to read and I thought this would be a good place to start.

Roman: *points to bookshelf*

Logan: Thank you.

~

Logan: Does Patton have a cat in the pocket of his hoodie?

Virgil: Is that my cat? How are neither of them dead?

Logan: I feel like we should interfere but the thought of the consequences terrifies me.

~

Roman: What are you two doing?

Virgil: We’re training my cat and Dee’s snake to attack annoying princes who question what their owners are doing.

Roman: *runs*

Remus: You guys are just tickling them, aren’t you?

Deceit: Look at them wiggle!

~

Virgil: How are we going to explain this to Logan and Patton?

Roman: We can blame it on your cat. 

Virgil: My cat is house trained.

Deceit: But Remus isn’t.

Virgil: No, he is. They share a litter box.

Roman: Wait, what?

Virgil: You owe me, Roman.

~

Roman: So what’s your cat’s name?

Virgil: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Roman: I would like to know. Please tell me.

Virgil: No.

~

Roman: Patton, what’s Virgil’s cat’s name?

Patton: Skitter Steve!

Roman: Logan, what’s Virgil’s cat’s name?

Logan: Skitter Steve.

Roman: Wait, is that actually his name?

~

Roman: Virgil.

Virgil: What?

Roman: Why is your cat’s name Skitter Steve?

Virgil: *sighs* I call him Skitter for short.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Virgil's cat is named after Skitter McKitter from Hate That Cat by Sharon Creech and Steve, my shiny Vaporeon that I can't change the name of.


	25. Set XXV: Toast Special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's May and you know what that means! AP Exams. And because of quarantine, we are all extremely unprepared and not panicking for some reason. I've got two on Friday and one next week so if for whatever reason I forget to post for awhile, that's why. 
> 
> Life is basically just trying to find motivation to study, wasting time on reddit and discord, making memes (I made like 6 Sanders Sides memes midnight last night, I need to calm down), and occasionally working on this fic.
> 
> They don't show up quite yet but the next, like, ten chapters have a shit ton of shorts characters (Remy, Toby, Nate, Brian, Harley). A lot of people don't know who those characters are and I love them but I'm curious as to how you guys feel about them. I'm trying to tone it down and mostly just have the main four Sides but I enjoy writing them when it's appropriate.
> 
> Anyway, here's another themed chapter. Not a requested one but one I just wanted to write. Virgil's love of toast is a running joke in this fic and this chapter is devoted to that. Enjoy!

Virgil: Who ate all my bread?

Roman: Remus.

Virgil: Remus, I kind of hate you right now.

Remus: Roman fed it to me.

Virgil: *turns on Roman* I have plenty of hate to go around.

~

Roman: This morning, I changed the toaster setting from 3 to 4 on a whim.

Virgil: *narrator* Little did foolish little Roman know, this would be the last stupid he’d make before being brutally murdered by an angry Virgil.

~

Virgil: WHO FUCKED WITH MY TOASTER?!*

Logan: *yelling from bedroom* IT’S 3 AM! GO TO SLEEP!

~

Virgil: *crying*

Patton: Kiddo? Are you okay? What happened?

Virgil: I’ll be fine. I just… I walked away for a minute to use the bathroom and when I came back my toast was burnt. I’m holding a funeral service.

Remus: I’ll eat it.

Virgil: Fuck off and let me grieve. 

~

Roman: Are ace people immune to siren songs?

Deceit: No. Technically they don’t have to sing about sex. Usually that’s just what works but they can sing about anything.

Virgil: If they sing about toast, I’m fucking dead.

~

Virgil: What are you doing?

Roman: Making garlic bread?

Virgil: In the toast toaster?

Roman: Garlic bread is basically just toast with garlic and butter and garlic salt and whatever.

Virgil: …

Roman: *offers some*

Virgil: *slowly eats* Nevermind. This is delicious.

~

Virgil: Logan says I should branch out with my bread choices. What kind of bread do you use for toast, Patton?

Patton: *turns to Roman* Get a loaf of this rye.

Roman: I can’t tell if that was a pun or you’re actually recommending rye bread.

~

Virgil: Roman, how do you say toast in Spanish?

Roman: Tostado.

Virgil: Logan, how do you say toast in Simlish?

Logan: Why?

Virgil: Just a little passion project.

~

Logan: Are you making a ritual circle out of food?

Virgil: Yeah. Wanna join my new religion? 

Logan: Not really. What’s the premise?

Virgil: Toast is my body, butter is my blood, and Crofters is my soul.

Logan: Where do I sign up?

~

Virgil: What are you making?

Patton: French toast.

Virgil: The French have toast now?

Patton: Virgil, the whole world has toast.

Virgil: *runs to the door* Then I’ve got to find all of it.

~

Virgil: So what’s this french toast stuff and how does it compare to normal toast?

Patton: Well, it’s not really toast. See, you don’t make it in a toaster.

Virgil: Then it’s not toast.

Patton: … Yeah. It’s just kind of soggy stove bread with egg and syrup on it.

Virgil: This has been a very disappointing conversation.

~

Deceit: You should take some in progress pictures.

Roman: He’s making toast. He doesn’t need-

Virgil: Dee, my phone is on the table. Get over here and start snapping.

~

Logan: I thought Patton made bread. Has it been eaten already?

Virgil: I made toast.

Logan: I could eat some toast right now.

Roman: He didn’t say that he didn’t eat it. He just said he made toast. He ate it. All of it.

Deceit: It was horrifying. Crofters everywhere. It was like a massacre.

Logan: *looks at clean floor*

Remus: Oh, don’t worry. I gave it a nice, through tongue-cleaning.

Logan: Forget I asked.

~

Roman: I just saw something wild in a YouTube video. Name 3 reasons life is worth living right now. You have 5 seconds.

Remus: Um… Uh....

Deceit: Um, life?

Logan: Living…?

Virgil:  WHY IS TOAST THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK OF?

Patton: Puppies, hugs, and kittens!

Roman: Well, most people can’t do it so kudos to Patton I guess. 

Logan: What about Virgil?

Roman: I know what I said.

~

Virgil: So like you know how we’re Sides?

Deceit: Yes?

Virgil: And we live in the Mindpalace? And the Mindpalace is in the Mindscape? So that’s like a nation?

Deceit: Where are you going with this?

Virgil: So technically there are no laws preventing me from marrying toast.

Deceit: Wh-

Virgil: Wait. Here me out. Toast as a concept, not a specific loaf. That’s gross. Just… all toast.

Deceit: … I’m going to put it to a vote. Wait here.


	26. Set XXVI: Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, um, the last chapter was really popular for some reason. Guess you guys liked that? Not sure why. If you want to see more chapters like the last one, let me know what I did right so we can see it again.
> 
> Shoutout to all my fellow ace fanders out there. I hadn't realized until afterward but the last chapter was the first time I made an ace joke in this story. I personally love ace, enby, and trans humor but unfortunately a lot of the good jokes aren't applicable here (sorry gay meme community but I don't find you funny).
> 
> This chapter is for ARandomThing. I asked what themed chapters you guys wanted to see a while ago and they asked for some Halloween. I know it’s May but the Sides are just going to have a quarantine Halloween. I usually try to avoid talking about current world events (*cough* quarantine) in this fic but it is mentioned in this chapter a bit. Also this chapter has Toby’s first appearance! I’ve only written Toby, like, once and I don’t see him all that much so this is exciting. 
> 
> A lot of people don't know who the shorts characters are (other than Remy) so I'm just going to give a big reminder that they're not OCs. Toby is the fanon name for the October character. Out of all the shorts characters, he, Remy, and Nate are the most popular in fanfic.

Virgil: This is Halloween.

Deceit: This is Halloween.

Remus: Halloween!

Roman: Halloween!

Logan: … It’s May.

~

Patton: What are you doing?

Virgil: Staring at a random spot in space to convince the ghost I can see it.

Patton: Ghost?

~

Roman: Who put up this skeleton decoration? It looks like shit.

Remus: I know. I couldn’t get Deceit to put his heart into it

Deceit: You tried carving out my chest cavity.

Remus: And you wouldn’t let me! So it’s not my fault if our decorations suck.

~

Remy: Sup gurls. Heard you were doing some Halloween shit so I brought a friend. He’s really into this stuff.

Logan: Who could possibly-

Remus: Toby!

Toby: What’s up guys?

Virgil: *hisses*

~

Virgil: Remy, why did you invite Toby? I hate that guy.

Remy: Hey, you’re doing Halloween and you can’t have Halloween without October.

Logan: It’s May.

Virgil: May’s kind of a bitch.

Remy: See? Now go get your spooky on?

~

Logan: Who changed all the labels on the hair wash products? Should I be concerned?

Patton: *giggling* Shamboo. Get it?

Logan: Nevermind.

~

Roman: This is a thirty minute Halloween makeup challenge. The competitors are Virgil doing Logan’s makeup, Toby doing Patton’s makeup, Remus doing Deceit’s makeup, and Remy doing Emile’s make up. I will judge. Your time starts now.

*30 minutes later*

Roman: Okay, so how the fuck are Remy and Emile the only ones not on fire? 

Emile: You know how competitive Virgil and Toby get with each other.

Remy: And you know that Remus is batshit crazy.

~

Virgil: Why the heck does the media make such a big deal out of checking kids’ candy before letting them eat it? No one who uses drugs is going to give them out for free.

Logan: It’s not just drugs. For example, there could be razors in apples.

Virgil: I think you could tell if there was a razor in your apple.

Roman: And who hands out apples for Halloween?

Toby: The same people who gave Charlie Brown rocks.

~

Sides: Spooky scary skeletons, spooky scary skeletons.

Logan: It is literally May.

Roman: And we are literally going crazy in quarantine so let us have our fun.

Patton: It’s Isolation Halloween!

Logan: Remy invited Toby! That is not isolation!

~

Virgil: Would it be weird if I got a skull tattoo on my face?

Toby: Yes.

Virgil: What do you know?

Toby: *rolls up jacket* I know a bit about tats.

Virgil: Dude… That is a wicked sleeve.

Roman: You better have a Wicked tattoo. The witch fits the Halloween theme you’ve got going there.

Toby: I do not but I am so getting one now.

~

Sides: *carving Jack-O-Lanterns*

Logan: Why don’t I have a knife?

Patton: *stabbing pumpkin with spork*

Deceit: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ow! I can feel the spikes on the stem through my gloves!

Virgil: *unholy screaming*

Toby: *carving a normal lantern*

Remy: How are Roman and Remus’s so good?!

Roman: Should we tell them our secrets?

Remus: Never.

Emile: You’re using plastic pumpkins, aren’t you?

~

Logan: All of us Sides have some kind of influence over Thomas and even Remy and Emile have some kind of role in the Mindpalace but you’re not like the rest of us. What do you do?

Toby: Hold my sunglasses. I’m about to October the fuck out of you guys.

Logan: You’re going to October us? What does that mean? Is the Mindpalace going to get slightly chilly? Are the leaves going to turn orange? You’ll give us some candy?

Toby: Okay. Just for that, I’m not telling you. Now give me back my sunglasses.

Logan: … No.

~

Virgil: Logan, I have a question. I just found out the word Halloween comes from All Hallows Eve and I don’t know what that is. Why is the eve more important than the actual holiday?

Logan: It… Uh… Um…

Deceit: Because no one cares about religious holidays anymore.

Toby: Just the good ‘ol Americanized ones filled with food and imaginary creatures. 

Patton: Ones? You mean there’s more than one?

Toby: Yeah, there’s Eas- Wait, why is Deceit giving me the no signal? And why does Virgil look like he’s going to murder me? What’d I do?

Logan: *visible anger* You can steal my exposition but no one can steal Patton’s innocence and get away with it.

~

Virgil: I know it’s May and I’m totally dating this fic and breaking the fourth wall by asking this but are kids going to be able to trick-or-treat this year? That sounds like a massive safety hazard. 

Roman: Well, I imagine the more extreme safety measures will be over by then but we’ll still be careful.

Patton: But think of the children!

Logan: Yes, think of the children. They could die, Patton, or become carriers of the virus and spread it to those less resilient than they are.

Deceit: The question is about the importance of culturally important practices or the wellbeing of the populace.

Emile: And is that even a question? The right answer is clear but as we’ve learned, not not nearly enough people have the values we thought and hoped they did.

Toby: *sitting on couch with Remy and Remus* Guys, why are you taking this so seriously?

Remus: Yeah. Just watch Nightmare Before Christmas and eat candy corn like the rest of us.

Remy: ... Guys, we’ll never be able to T.P. anyone’s house ever again.

Remus: *gets up* Well then fuck candy corn! This is a problem!

Toby: Don’t fuck the candy corn. I’m still eating it.

~

Toby: Well, this has been fun but I really should be getting back to my room.

Logan: It was nice seeing you.

Patton: Bye!

Emile: See you later, Toby.

Virgil: Yeah, Halloween with you- Wait. Wait… If you’re October then wouldn’t that mean you’re room is-

Toby: *panics and runs*

Virgil: Wait! Come back! Halloween paradise is within my grasp!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My wi-fi went out while editing this chapter and I tell you, I damn near panicked. 
> 
> So what do you guys think of Toby? He shows up quite a bit in the next few chapters but I'm trying to tone down the presence of the shorts characters since I don't know how you guys feel about them yet. Let me know if you want to see more of him.


	27. Set XXVII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, wow. The last chapter did really well too. Do you guys just enjoy themed chapters? There are two more coming up but I don't have any more planned after that.
> 
> Also I heard you guys. You guys want to see the shorts characters. The only ones I can think of are Sleep (Remy), October (Toby), September (Seth Ember), Brain (Brian), Harley (Heart), Slo-Mo Guy (Nate/ Nate Christopher/ Procrastination), Anton (Antagonist), Teacher Guy (I think his name is Teal?), Dad Guy (I think his name is Dayd?), Prince Guy (I think his name is Pryce?), Anxiety Guy (Andy), Immune System (Immy), Sun (Apollo), Moon (Jericho), Printer (Magenta), Misleading Compliments (Missy), Stove (Steve), and Microwave (Mike). 
> 
> Remy, Toby, and Nate are the most popular in fanon, along with Seth and Anton. I've already introduced Remy and Toby. Nate, Brian, and Harley appear in coming up chapters and I'd like to include Seth and Anton but I might not do the rest. I don't want to do too many characters and honestly I didn't really like writing Brian and Harley so I'm probably just going to play around with some of these characters or have them only show up once before deciding which characters will be regulars.
> 
> I know I just dumped a lot of names on you guys and you probably didn't know they all existed. Once I decide who all the regulars will be, I'll let you know.
> 
> Anyway, here's your regularly scheduled chapter!

Roman: Do you ever get your day hoodie and night hoodie mixed up?

Virgil: Why the fuck would I have a day and night hoodie?

~

Virgil: Remus, Roman, would you rather have the best orgasm humanly possible or eat the best garlic bread in existence? 

Remus: The orgasm.

Roman: The garlic bread.

Deceit: See? Told you Roman was ace.

Virgil: Guess you were right.

Roman: Wait, what?

Virgil: Ace people like garlic bread.

Deceit: And dragons.

Remus: That’s literally you.

~

Virgil: No one speak to me today. If you do, I am fully prepared to vomit on you.

Remus: *gets up*

Roman: *stops him* No.

~

Remus: I need you to do me a favor.

Deceit: What?

Remus: *holds up razor* I need you to shave my ass.

Deceit: *sinks out*

Remus: Come on. Please. It’s like a forest down there.

~

Dark Sides: *walk up to Light Sides*

Virgil: Everybody get up.

Logan: What?

Remus: It’s time to slam down.

Logan: Excuse me?

Deceit: We’ve got a real jam going down.

Logan: Crofters?

Roman & Patton: Welcome to the Space Jam!

Remus, Virgil, & Deceit: SPACE JAM!

Logan: *leaves*

~

Patton: Goodnight! Don’t let the bed bugs bite!

Virgil: Hear that bed bugs? Dad says no so fuck off.

~

Roman: Hey, Virgil, watch this. Logan, should I eat a bag of grapes or a bag of oreos?

Logan: The grapes.

Roman: *shovels oreos into mouth*

Virgil: Oh my god.

Roman: I know, right? Now I can eat them guilt free.

Virgil: What? No, not that. You aren’t eating the double stuf ones, you mad man.

~

Roman: It’s been so long since I’ve seen you!

Virgil: We literally saw each other this morning.

Roman: We did?

Virgil: Yeah. I broke into your room and stole your hoodie.

Roman: You did?

Virgil: I’m wearing it right now, dumbass.

~

Remus: Why are you calling me? You never call me.

Virgil: Deceit just ran past me, grabbed a can of whipped cream, sat on the couch, and started spraying it directly into his mouth. 

Remus: I have never seen him do that. Should I be concerned? 

Virgil: I don’t know. That’s why I’m calling you.

Remus: I’ll be home in 5.

~

Virgil: If I were a subject, I’d be math because I’ve got a lot of problems, no one likes me, and I’m always trying to find my x and I don’t know y.

Deceit: True but... I don’t know a single person who hasn’t opened a math textbook that didn’t say fuck me.

Virgil: If you were a subject, you’d be English because there were enough double negatives in that sentence that I can’t tell if what you said was comforting or not.

Logan: Who is this ex you speak of?

~

Virgil: How are we going to explain this to the others?

Deceit: We can blame it on a neighbor.

Virgil: What kind of neighbor would break into our house and take a shit on the living room floor?

~

Remus: *licks door seductively*

Deceit: Remus, stop.

Remus: *deepthroats door knob*

Deceit: Remus!

Remus: Look me dead in the eye and tell me this isn’t at least kind of hot.

~

Emile: Patton tells me you and Logan have been fighting.

Deceit: *sighs* He caught me doing some algebra in my room.

Emile: And?

Deceit: You know he prefers calculus.

Emile: Have you tried being rational with him?

Deceit: I’ve tried multiple times but it was a very negative experience for both of us.

Emile: Don’t let this divide you two. You complement each other so well.

Deceit: I don’t want it to but I feel like this is a sine.

Emile: Well, when you feel negative, try to add up all the positive.

Deceit: I get that but when I try to factor everything in, it just sounds like a tangent.

Patton: *walks in* My pun senses are tingling.

Deceit: gEt OuT!

~

Roman: Describe your perfect date.

Logan: November 3.

Roman: Isn’t that your birthday?

Logan: Yes. It’s the day I can eat all the Crofters I want and none of you can stop me.

~

Thomas: I don’t want to feed into that part of myself.

Remus: Feed me.

Thomas: No, I can’t-

Remus: REGURGITATE INTO MY MOUTH MAMA BIRD!


	28. Set XXVIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys like themed chapters more than normal chapters? The past two themed chapters did way better than the normal ones. Let me know what you guys want to see!
> 
> Also shameless self-promotion time. I'd appreciate it if you guys checked out some of my other stories. The ones getting updates right now are Voiceless, a Sanders Sides/ Ben 10 Crossover; Stolen From the Violet, a Sanders Sides fic based on Puff the Magic Dragon; and Nightmare Before Sunset, a Sanders Sides/ Warriors Crossover. When Everything Goes Wrong and Words, a Deceit drabble fic, are my most popular but I'd love for the others to get some love.

Virgil: I just heard the microwave go off and then I saw Roman walk out of the kitchen with a bowl of blueberries. I’m not saying he did what I think he did but that’s totally what I’m saying.

Remus: *gets up* Okay, even  _ I _ know how fucked up that is. Be right back, I’m going to go kill him.

~

Virgil: I just watched a video of a raccoon trying to eat cotton candy and I have never related to anything more in my life.

Emile: In what way? Your love life? Your pursuit of your dreams? Your happiness?

Virgil: Yes.

~

Roman: I have a confession to make and I’m really scared that you won’t be able to look at me the same after I tell you.

Virgil: Roman… I promise whatever it is won’t change anything between us.

Roman: Okay… So I really like the Space Jam theme. Like an unhealthy amount.

Virgil: Dude, I just listen to that shit on loop for a couple hours regularly. You have nothing to worry about.

Roman: Oh thank god.

~

Roman: *singing* Deceit and Virgil sitting in a tree.

Virgil: S-i-t-t-i-n-g.

Deceit: Please get a ladder. We’re stuck.

Virgil: We came up here to get Skitter and now we can’t get down.

Roman: Oh shit. Um, I’ll go get Logan.

~

Virgil: Holy shit.

Logan: What?

Virgil: So I was cleaning my room and I found an entire fucking guitar in my closet.

Logan: As opposed to half a guitar?

Roman: I swear if you’ve broken it…

~

Virgil: I just spent 3 hours listening to Fall Out Boy, had an emotional breakdown to “Last of the Real Ones,” took a nap for four hours, then woke up and thought “wow that was so relatable” but literally none of my friends would do that.

Roman: You’re right. The rest of us would break down to Disney.

Deceit: Or Broadway.

~

Logan: Virgil? Is something wrong?

Virgil: So I was just vibing in my room and I opened my closet and found- *screams*

Logan: Virgil? Are you quite alright?

Virgil: *runs out of room with octopus on face*

Remus: Harold! Were you hiding in Virgil’s closet, you little rascal?

~

Virgil: The night depression is returning.

Logan: And what do we do when that happens?

Virgil: … Blast MCR.

Logan: No. You go to sleep. You go to sleep, Virgil.

~

Logan: Time for you to sleep.

Remus: Nooooo!

Roman: Read us a story!

Virgil: “Is it bedtime?” little Suzzie asked. “Yes,” said Marge. “Fuck,” said little Suzzie.

Logan: Virgil. Go to sleep.

Virgil: I can’t. I’m telling them a story.

Remus: Fuck.

Logan: Look what you’ve done.

~

Remus: Lego people live in houses made of their own skin.

Thomas: I need you to stop.

Remus: It’s a shower thought! You’re in the shower!

Thomas: Then let me shower!

Remus: Let me live my life!

~

Roman: I need some advice.

Virgil: Try lying to a weasel. It looks ridiculous on a bumper sticker but it gets the job done.

Roman: Okay, now I need some advice and an explanation.

~

Virgil: Holy shit.

Logan: What?

Virgil: So I was cleaning my room and-

Logan: You’re right, that is a shocking development.

Virgil: Stop being an ass and let me finish.

~

Remus: *rides in on a unicycle*

Deceit: *walks in behind him playing the flute*

Virgil: *doing yo-yo tricks*

Roman: I wasn’t confused before but I am now. What are you doing?

Virgil: Practicing.

Roman: Practicing for what?

Virgil:  _ Practicing. _

~

Roman: Remus, what’s Deceit’s name?

Remus: Judas.

Deceit: It’s Janus!

Remus: I know.

Roman: My soul just left my body.

~

Virgil: *scrolling the internet* Literally everyone’s spelling your name wrong.

Janus: *sighs* It’s not that hard. I’m named after a Roman deity. There’s only one way to spell it.

Virgil: Every person of color with a non-Western name in America can relate to that. Not the part about the Roman deity but you know what I mean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on, Deceit's actual name will be used.


	29. Set XXIX: Sides React to Fanfic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another fan-suggested themed chapter. This one was suggested by Virgilstorm (btw, my discord name is Vigilstorm so a couple of my friends have seen your user when you leave kudos on my stories and have asked if you’re my alt account. I find this amusing). Virgilstorm suggested Sides react to fanfic. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really know what to do with that prompt but once I got started, I loved it. They’re going to react to common fanfic themes mostly rather than specific fics but I will include A Lesson In Practicality because literally everyone has read that. Also mentioning Time Heals because I think Janus would like it. I would totally include some of my fics too but self-promotion is overrated so not doing that. Enjoy!

Thomas: Do you guys ever look at what the fans say about you?

Logan: I don’t think so.

Roman: What do they say?

Thomas: It’s like 90% shipping.

Virgil: Ew. Who do they ship?

Thomas: Um, most of it is Roman and Virgil, Logan and Patton, Remus and Janus, and Emile and Remy.

Sides: …

Toby: What about me?

Thomas: Oh, um… Like the only fics I’ve seen with you ship you with Remy. 

Remy: Damn, I’m a hoe compared to y’all and somehow that is not an accomplishment.

~

Virgil: I just found this awesome animation where we all have superpowers but it’s like 3 episodes.

Roman: A Lesson In Practicality? The story’s finished actually. It’s all on ao3. There’s an in progress sequel too.

Virgil: What?!

Roman: Yeah, we end up-

Virgil: No spoilers!

~

Logan: I find the idea of us having superpowers interesting. And this story made an incredibly astute selection in choosing our abilities. 

Remus: But I’m not there.

Logan: The world doesn’t revolve around you.

Remy: I’m not there either and you better not say the world doesn’t revolve around me if you don’t want to get slapped, bitch.

~

Patton: I want clones.

Janus: You don’t need-

Patton: I. Want. Clones.

Janus: Why?

Patton: So I can give you all more hugs.

Janus: … Fair.

~

Virgil: Okay so… LAMP Highschool AUs?

Remy: Cute as fuck. 

Virgil: I mean, yeah but-

Remy: Argue with me and I’ll fight you.

Virgil: I was going to say they’re kind of cringey but I kind of like them.

Remy: Oh. Same, gurl. Same.

~

Logan: Are you okay?

Janus: No.

Logan: No as in yes or no as in no?

Janus: I…. Hear me out and try not to die. Well written story. Amazing use of perspective. Perfectly integrated literary devices. Historically accurate history fic.

Logan: Send it to me now.

Janus: It ships you and Roman. Most of its romance.

Logan: Less than favorable but send it.

Janus: Done. I sent the link like ten minutes ago.

~

Remy: Why am I genderfluid in like every story?

Emile: You do act pretty femenine.

Remy: But that doesn’t mean I’m a woman part of the time! I’m part of Thomas and he is a man!

Emile: Even so, it’s just fanfic and your character is creating a more diverse character pool and educating a lot of young readers on what exactly it means to be genderfluid. You’ve probably helped some young fander discover their own identity.

Remy: …

Emile: Are you crying?

Remy: Shut up. That was beautiful. 

~

Roman: Daniel, Damien, Declan, Damian, Dimitri, Derek… No one got anywhere close to guessing your name.

Janus: I know.

Roman: You do realize that hundreds, maybe thousands, of fanfic writers are either going to have to change your name in their older stories or accept the fact they’re wrong?

Janus: *smirking* I know.

~

Remus: Why is your last name Prince all the time? Like I exist and I’m no prince.

Roman: They didn’t know you existed until like a year ago. 

Remus: But still! Everyone else gets cool last names!

Roman: They don’t say  _ your _ last name is Prince.

Remus: But they imply it!

~

Patton: Oh these are so cute! I wish I was a human so I could run a pun themed coffee shop or bakery.

Logan: I’m surprised so many writers keep your allergies in mind and write you working with dogs instead of cats.

Patton: Those are my kiddos! They’re so kind and considerate and-

Janus: *screaming* Why are there so many stories where I’m sexually abusive?!

Virgil: *screaming* And to me? What did I do to deserve that kind of treatment?!

Remus: *screaming* Even I wouldn’t do something like that! We’re all part of Thomas and you know how much he values consent!

Logan: Still think they’re cute and kind?

Patton: With some exceptions?

Roman: *screaming* Don’t look up RemRom! I repeat! Don’t look up RemRom!

~

Remus: I’ve literally only seen Janus take off his gloves like once. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen his ankles. Why do they write him doing these weird sex things?

Virgil: And why is Sympathetic Deceit a warning? If anything, Unsympathetic Deceit should be a warning. I guess I need to be warned if Janus is going to smile but not if he’s going to stab me.

Roman: Why is parental Deceit a thing? And so many of these are so badly written. Like he’s all evil one moment and sobbing over Virgil’s dead body the next.

Janus: No one understands me.

~

Roman: Okay, so in like half these stories Virgil has an anxiety attack every five seconds and Janus is trying to murder all of us. That is no where close to being accurate.

Remus: Thomas would have a mental breakdown if that happened.

Logan: How is Thomas alive in any of these stories?

~

Toby: So Roceit is really cute.

Remy: It is and I don’t know how.

Emile: I haven’t found any Roceit Soulmate AUs though. Or even DLAMP Soulmate AUs.

Janus: Are you three really just sitting there shipping me and Roman?

Tony: No.

Emile: Maybe.

Remy: Yes.

~

Virgil: Okay so like… apparently me having wings and me being blind is a thing and I’m lowkey really into this.

Emile: Have you read any where you’re a dragon?

Virgil: No but now I’m going to.

~

Thomas: So how did you guys like the fanfic?

Logan: I am confused.

Patton: I loved it!

Roman: It’s amazing!

Virgil: I am an addict.


	30. Set XXX: Left Brain, Right Brain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this morning I woke up to 27 notifications from this story? 25 of them were just two of you commenting war and I am very confused. Anyone care to explain?
> 
> This chapter is based around one of Bo Burnham’s songs (Left Brain, Right Brain) and there are some, uh, explicit words in the lyrics but I have changed them so it’s clean now. Don’t worry if that’s not your thing. 
> 
> I'm not really sure how I feel about this chapter. I try to write more themed chapter and I wanted to introduce two shorts characters in this chapter but then I realized they're both really hard to write.
> 
> Note: the lines in quotations are part of the song. I didn’t want to have to write *singing* every time they were saying a line that isn’t mine.

Thomas: Okay, Logan, so remember the songs you put on your playlist?

Logan: Of course. I made it. What of it?

Thomas: So the fans found out you like Bo Burnham…

Logan: Like is a strong word but go on.

Thomas: They really want you and Patton to sing th-

Logan: I already know what you’re going to ask and the answer is no.

Thomas: But-

Logan: *sinks out*

~

Patton: Come on Logan! I know you don’t like singing but the fans want it!

Logan: It’s not the singing that’s the problem. It’s the lyrics.

Virgil: What’s wrong with the lyrics?

Logan: Virgil, you know exactly what song we’re talking about. Do you really want Patton to have to say those words?

Virgil: Oh shit, you’re right. 

Emile: But you do realize there’s an obvious solution, right?

Logan: There is?

Emile: There is. Remy?

Remy: I got you gurls! Brb!

Patton: I’m afraid.

Logan: I am too, Patton. I am too.

~

Remy: Everyone gather around! We’ve got some important guests in the Mindpalace tonight!

Janus: We just got Toby. Who else could-

Harley: Hi there everyone!

Brian: Hey.

Patton: Hi!

Logan: Salutations.

Roman: Oh shit. Oh shit.

Remus: *visible confusion* 

Virgil: WHO CLONED PATTON AND LOGAN?!

~

Roman: So you’re Thomas’s heart?

Harley: That’s right!

Remus: And you’re Thomas’s brain?

Brian: Right.

Virgil: HOW IS THAT ANY DIFFERENT FROM LOGAN AND PATTON?!

Remy: Literal brain and heart. Not figurative. Brian can’t think unless he’s in the shower and Harley hates coffee.

Virgil: Oh.

Brian: Wow. Way to call us out.

~

Thomas: What is happening? I didn’t know you two had siblings.

Logan: We don’t. Just go with it if you want this video to get done.

Thomas: Okay so…?

Logan: Give them the lyrics so they know what they’re getting into.

Thomas: *hands Brian and Harley the lyrics*

Brian: Uh… Okay?

Harley: I love it!

Thomas: Okay then… Let’s go then?

~

Virgil: I have a bad feeling about this.

Thomas: You have a bad feeling about everything. You four, start singing anytime you’re ready.

Brian: “I am the left brain, I am the left brain.”

Logan: “I work really hard until my inevitable death brain.”

Brian: “You got a job to do, you better do it right, and the right way is with the left brain's might.”

Harley: “I like Oreo's and cats, yes! In that order!”

Patton: “And I cried for at least an hour after watching Toy Story 3.”

Harley: “WOODY!”

Patton: “I am the right brain, I have feelings, I'm a little all over the place but I'm just so trustful and I'm looking for somebody to love.”

Harley: “Or befriend!”

Virgil: …

Thomas: Why’d we bring in Harley if he’s just going to change the lyrics? Should we just bring in Remus? Technically the song is also about creativity and analysis being at war so...

Virgil: It’s too late. The show must go on.

~

Brian: “Here comes a female, here comes a fema-” Wait.

Thomas: What? Virgil just said we had to keep go-

Brian: Thomas, you’re gay. This song is about a straight man.

Thomas: Okay, well… Just fake it?

Logan: *sighs* Thomas.

Thomas: I know. That was a dumb thing to say. Let’s just skip this part.

~

Logan: “Alright now right brain you’re being insane.”

Patton: “No left brain, I'm just being alive. You should try it, you might like it!”

Roman: *laughs in the background*

Thomas: Stop distracting them.

Roman: Sorry.

~

Brian: “I worked hard to give him everything he cared about. You were worried 'bout the things that he was scared about.”

Logan: “I'm calm and collected when you act wild. I am the adult, you are the child.”

Virgil: How are Logan’s lines so accurate and Brian’s so terrible?

Logan: Oh, I don’t think Brian’s lines are-

Brian: No, it’s true. I am a lazy pile of potatoes. No way I’d that work hard.

~

Patton: This song is so long!

Harley: I’m tired.

Logan: We can’t just end halfway through the song.

Thomas: Guys, where’s Brian? And Virgil?

Roman: Oh shit. We lost them.

~

Brian: Wait, this is what you were doing during Part 1 of Accepting Anxiety?

Virgil: Yeah. Remus joins in sometimes too.

Brain: Is this where he was during the SvS Redux?

Virgil: Yup.

Remus: *walks in and freezes* Virgil, why are you showing Brian our Just Dance set up?

Virgil: He needed to escape a video shoot.

Remus: Ah. 3 player game?

~

Roman: *picks up cat* Skitter Steve* Virgil was on a video shoot with Thomas, Logan, Patton, and Harley and then he and Brain vanished. Do you know where they are?

Skitter: *hisses*

Harley: Allow me. *takes Skitter* Hey there you little bean! Can you show me where your owner is?

Skitter: *purrs*

Thomas: Is this what Patton would be like if he wasn’t allergic to cats?

Logan: Yes.

~

Thomas, Roman, Patton, Logan, & Harley: *walk into Virgil’s room*

Virgil: *dancing* “Shawty had them apple bottom jeans-”

Brian: “Jeans!”

Virgil: *still dancing* “And the boots with the fur.”

Brian: “With the fur!”

Remus: *dancing* “The whole club was lookin at her. She hit the floor!”

Brian: “Hit the floor!”

Remus: *still dancing* “Next thing you know Shawty got low low low low low low low low…”

Roman: *pulls out phone slowly* I gotta record this. Remy and Janus are never gonna believe it.

~

Remy: Today was a disaster. We didn’t even need Brian and Harley so I’m going to take them home, gurls.

Patton: Goodbye! I’ll miss you!

Harley: I’ll miss you too!

Logan: It was incredibly disappointing meeting Thomas’s brain.

Brian: I’m not his logical thinking. You’re his logical thinking. I’m his brain and I’m dumb as fuck.

Logan: Fair.

~

Harley & Brian: *leave*

Virgil: They’re never coming back, are they?

Remy: Nope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Brian and Harley’s first appearance! We don’t see them in fics very often. I personally didn’t have as much fun with them as I thought I would so they’re probably not going to show up too often after this chapter.
> 
> I love the Virgil Just Dance meme. But I'm pretty sure Low isn't on Just Dance. I don't know. I just thought it would be funny to include it.
> 
> Also, obviously, DISCLAIMER. I do not own any of the music mentioned in this chapter (Left Brain, Right Brain by Bo Burnham; Low by Flo Rida & T-Pain).


	31. Set XXXI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Pride Month 2020 is coming up and pretty much all Pride Events are cancelled because quarantine so I’m going to have a special chapter for this fic. More details in the Author’s Note at the end of this chapter.  
> I know Brian and Harley appeared in the last chapter but Nate appears in this one and you can’t tell me I’m introducing too many fanon characters because Nate, Toby, and Remy are my children and I love fics that have them. For those of you who don’t know, Nate is the fanon name for the Slo-Mo Guy aka Procrastination.   
> Also Dilbert reference in this chapter and probably the next couple. Just disclaimer that I do not own Dilbert and some of the jokes are loosely based on some strips.

Virgil: I JUST REALIZED THE WORD ANDROGYNOUS COMES FROM THE PREFIX ANDRO MEANING MASCULINE, THE PREFIX GYNE MEANING FEMININE, AND THE SUFFIX OUS MEANING POSSESSING!

Remy: Oh shit. Oh shit!

Logan: It’s 3 am! Go to sleep!

Virgil: I can’t! The universe makes sense now!

Roman: What kind of universe are you living in where that is the answer? 

Janus: Better yet, what kind of universe are you living in where you just randomly think of that on your own in the middle of the night?

~

Remy: What’s your favorite number?

Remus: 30!

Remy: Damn, I thought you were going to say 69.

Logan: 30 is worse. Don’t encourage him.

~

Logan: If you ask a three year old what they were in a past life, they will answer because they’re old enough to speak but not old enough to-

Roman: Patton, what were you in a past life?

Patton: Umm… What?

Janus: Remus, what were you in a past life?

Remus: A velociraptor! 

~

Roman: Delete that. I look like the Pillsbury Dough Man.

Virgil: You mean the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

Roman: Yeah. Him.

Virgil: The fact your brain went to man instead of boy tells me this picture isn’t that bad.

Roman: Virgil, we both look fat and pasty in that picture. It doesn’t matter who we look like. It’s gross. Delete it.

Virgil: *looks at phone* Oh god. You’re right.

~

Remus: *screams*

Janus: Are you okay?

Remus: Yeah. I’m trying to learn echolocation.

Virgil: Please stop him.

Janus: Not my problem. 

Virgil: What?

Janus: Hey, Remus. Go ask Logan to help you. I’m sure he knows loads about echolocation.

Remus: *runs off* Logan!

Virgil: You’re evil, you know that right?

Janus: *smirks*

~

Toby: Okay, I know I’m new here but what are No Pants Thursdays and why are they on the calendar? 

Logan: What? That shouldn’t be there. Remus!

Remus: What? That wasn’t me.

Logan: Then who put it there?

Remus: *shrugs*

~

Remus: You should start a cult.

Thomas: What? Why?

Remus: You only need three people to start one and you have six Sides which means you totally can.

Thomas: Just because I can doesn’t mean I should.

Remus: But you can and should.

Thomas: Janus! Help!

~

Everyone: *sitting in commons silently*

Thomas: So-

Janus: Don’t.

~

Thomas: Ugh, I can’t get anything done.

Logan: Blame Brian, not me. Or Remy. It’s his fault you’re so tired.

Remy: Gurl! Just for that, you’re not sleeping tonight.

Thomas: Wait no! Logan, say you’re sorry.

Logan: Sorry?

Remy: Not good enough, gurl. You’re just going to be a procrastinating potato for the rest of-

Nate: You called?

Remy: Oh shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean to-

Nate: No worries. Just doing my job.

Thomas: And that is?

Logan: Procrastination. 

Thomas: Procrastination is an actual person? How did I not know this?

Nate: Man, you have the embodiment of October living in your head. This should not surprise you. Now, I’m going to go play some Fruit Ninja on your phone. Have fun not working and you’re welcome.

~

Virgil: Hey Janus. Look at this new meme format.

Janus: Virgil, I don’t care about a n-

Virgil: *holds up phone* It’s the Drake meme but with you instead of Drake.

Remy: *shoves Virgil away and steals phone* This is my new life blood.

~

Thomas: Janus, you’ve dealt with Remus a lot. How do I get rid of intrusive thoughts?

Janus: Just shake your brain like an etch-a-sketch. It clears them right up.

Thomas: What?

Janus: What?

~

Roman: If you were human, what would your job be?

Janus: Human Resources.

Roman: Fair. Virgil?

Virgil: Human Resources.

Roman: Um, okay. Remus?

Remus: Human Resources.

Roman: What’s so good about HR?

Janus: Other than the fact it’s a giant judge fest? Um, filing grievances, getting dirt on all the employees, deciding payroll and benefits…

Virgil: Catbert.

Remus: Yeah, I was going to say Catbert. I don’t know what Janus is talking about.

~

Patton: We should play two truths and a lie.

Janus: I  _ love _ that game.

Patton: :D

Janus: My second thing is that I breathe air.

~

Brian: Thomas is sending an important email but I’m lagging like a YouTube video on public school wi-fi. Someone come in here and take over so it sounds smart.

Virgil: Blah blah blah wi-fi.

Brian: I meant the email.

Virgil: Oh. I’ll get Logan.

~

Remus: I really like puppets.

Roman: And?

Remus: Nothing more. I just felt like sharing.

Roman: There’s always more. You don’t just say things like that. Are you Deceit in disguise?

Virgil: Roman, chill. We just spent three hours watching Sesame Street. The guy genuinely likes puppets.

Roman: Virgil, it’s Remus. 

Virgil: And? He just likes puppets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all you guys, gals, non-binary pals who are part of the LGBT+ community or an ally, I want to hear you guys. Feel free to write Incorrect Quotes of you interacting with the sides or discussing your gender/ sexuality and leave them in the comments or give me your username/ preferred name + gender/ sexuality for a special Pride Month chapter and I’ll try my best to work you into an Incorrect Quote. And if you don’t want to be included in an Incorrect Quote but you want your gender identity or sexuality to be represented or you just want a shout out, let me know. I don’t really know how this is going to work out but we’re going to break the fourth wall and hope this goes well.


	32. Set XXXII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your Pride Month quote submissions and requests. We have room for three more so if you want to be included or have a specific identity included, leave a quote or put your preferred name, pronouns, what you want to see, and which Side you want to see in the comments.

Logan: Every society needs rules. If we’re going to continue functioning, we’re going to need to compile a list of rules.

Janus: You know my feelings about rules.

Logan: Yes, which is why we will all have an equal say in approving or rejecting the suggested rules.

Virgil: Playing Yahtzee with raccoons should be illegal.

Roman: I want a ban on whaling but only in the commons. Our bedrooms are fair game.

Toby: The calendar should only have three months.

Patton: Cat allergies aren’t allowed to exist.

Remy: Sunscreen can only be applied where you don’t have exposed skin and during the winter.

Remus: Harold should be our national animal.

Logan: Nevermind, this was a terrible idea.

Emile: Can we have free healthcare?

Logan: … Sure.

Remy: Ugh! Emile gets his thing but we don’t? Outrageous. Come on gurls, let’s blow this popsicle stand.

~

Remy: Virgil, this is my friend Nate. I think you’d get along. Why don’t you tell him a bit about yourself?

Virgil: *panicking* I eat food.

Nate: Oh man, me too. What kind?

Virgil: Mostly toast.

Nate: Have you had garlic bread?

Virgil: Yeah, it’s Roman’s favorite.

Remy: Not what I was expecting but whatever works.

~

Thomas: What’s this brown stuff and why is it on my keyboard?

Janus: Sorry. Remus has an accident and I couldn’t find any napkins so I used your keyboard.

Thomas: That doesn’t even remotely make sense.

Janus: You had to be there.

~

Logan: If you know anything about the case against President Big Bird, come clean or… or...

Virgil: *alarmed* What?

Emile: He’s been sleep talking a lot ever since Remy started making him take naps.

Logan: Fuck.

Virgil: I have to record this.

Emile: Don’t worry. There’s a mic there and there. I’ll send you the files when I edit out all the empty noise.

Virgil: You’re a hero.

~

Joan: So what’d you do over the three day weekend?

Thomas: Um…

*flashback to Saturday*

Logan, Patton, & Roman: *playing scrabble and binge watching Disney*

*flashback to Sunday*

Virgil, Remus, & Janus: *building homes for their pets out of toast*

*flashback to Monday*

Remy, Emile, & Toby: *chugging apple juice*

*return to present*

Thomas: Honestly, I have no idea.

~

Roman: How’s my hair look?

Virgil: Like deer scat after a forest fire.

Remus: How’s my hair look?

Virgil: Somehow worse.

~

Toby: I need help fixing my computer.

Logan: I can-

Virgil: No! It’s a trap!

Toby & Logan: *visible confusion*

Virgil: It’s a trap! You touch anything, Lo, and he can blame you for every future problem that thing has! Your entire life will become changing the font size every time he wants you to!

Logan: That’s… incredibly ridiculous.

Toby: Yeah. I know how to change the font size, man. I’m not an idiot. I just forgot my password.

~

Thomas: What are you two doing?

Virgil:

Janus:

Thomas: Hello?

Remus: They added horse blinders to their noise canceling headphones. They put them on whenever I’m practicing my interpretive dances. Here, I’ll get their attention for you.

Thomas: How are you-?

Remus: *slaps Janus across the face*

Janus: WHAT THE F- Oh hey Thomas. Do you need something?

Thomas: *visibly impressed*

~

Emile: Do you ever write notes to yourself in the middle of the night and you can’t understand them in the morning?

Virgil: Yes. The author wrote “radical condor” on their nighttime notepad for this story and they do not know what to do with it or what they were thinking.

Emile: Not what I was going for but let’s stop breaking the fourth wall, shall we?

~

Janus: Most useless body part?

Virgil: The heart.

Harley: *offended noises*

Remus: I was going to say the knees but I like that answer better.

~

Roman: What animal is Virgil? I mean, he has a pet cat and a pet spider.

Logan: True. I don’t think pets are any indicator as to which animal the Dark Sides represent.

Patton: I think he’s a mongoose!

Logan: Valid point. Mongoose are the natural enemies of snakes.

Roman: And in the story Rikki-Tikki-Tavi, Rikki was seen as a villain until he proved himself a hero! It’s perfect!

Janus: You do realize that story is all about perspective right?

Roman: What?

Vigil: Yeah. Like, yeah, he saved the kid and protected the parents but he murdered an innocent and proceeded to hunt down and slaughter an entire family and their unborn children in their name. Does that sound like me?

Roman: … Would you be mad if I said yes?

~

Remy: I need your help.

Roman: Mumble mumble

Remy: Did you just say mumble mumble?

Roman: Mumble mumble.

~

Virgil: I wrote you some New Year’s Resolutions.

Roman: It’s the middle of the year but okay. I could always- Virgil?

Virgil: Yes?

Roman: Why is the first one become morbidly obese?

Virgil: Fat people are harder to kidnap.

Remus: And murder!

Roman: … Fair.   
~

Brian: Logan is asleep and Thomas needs some help. Any of you up for giving him some advice? 

Virgil: Always. Let me consult my collection of bumper stickers for an answer.

Brian: I don’t think that’ll work.

Virgil: Watch.

*one hour later*

Virgil: Okay, so unless the answer is Jesus or something to do with dogs, you might be right.

Brian: I’m just going to go ask Janus.

~

Virgil: I have my hoodie and my headphones... Life is not dying.

Logan: What else would it be?

Virgil: I was going to say life is good but is it?

Logan: *whips out vocab card* Mood.


	33. Set XXXIII

Remus: I want a coyote.

Janus: No.

Remus: I wasn’t asking for permission.

Janus: I know. And the answer is still no.

~

Logan: What are you doing?

Virgil: Making a birth control ad.

Logan: You’re just taking pictures of Remus.

Virgil: I know.

~

Roman: I heard you were using Remus as the cover for your birth control advertisement. Can I see?

Virgil: *holds up poster*

Roman: …

Virgil: What?

Roman: You photoshopped his face out.

Virgil: I didn’t want to scare them too much.

Roman: Fair.

~

Skitter: *falls off cat tower*

Roman: I relate to that cat on a spiritual level.

Toby: Since when do we have a cat tower?

Roman: … You’re right. Did he buy it on his own? Should we be concerned?

Toby: We’re the only ones home right now so probably.

~

Remus: Oh brother!

Roman: Hmm?

Remus: I pooped my pants.

Roman: …Again?

~

Virgil: *narrator voice* When Logan and Janus aren’t around, the Sides rely on Virgil’s collection of bumper stickers for sage advice. Here are some of them.

Patton: Eyebleach time.

Remy: Sleep is for the brave, gurl.

Roman: I before e except when your foreign neighbor keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

Nate: *pushes down sunglasses* Eye contact time.

Brian: Drink water. Eat a cactus. Find Atlantis. 

Remus: Dead people are less fussy than you.

Emile: People with lactose intolerance are chaotic monsters with no self preservation.

Toby: Take a mustache from the bag and pass it around.

Harley: You are definitely a cyborg and a sexy one.

Virgil: *narrator voice* … I didn’t say they were good. I just said that’s what we did.

~

Roman: Favorite Disney movie?

Remus: The Lorax!

Roman: Wait, really? That’s surprisingly soft.

Remus: I wanna fuck the little-

Roman: Nope. Nope. Nevermind. Not soft.

Remus: I mean, he would be very soft against my-.

Roman: No! Nope, nope. We’re done here!

~

Remus: So we all know snakes have two dicks…

Janus: I don’t like where this is going.

Remus: But I found out that cat dicks have-

Virgil: Nope. I’m out.

~

Roman: *laughing* What are your name tags?

Virgil: *reading* Remy- classy glamourous motherfucker who makes everyone question their seuxality.

Remy: *reading* Virgil- weird funky bog gremlin who’s legally registered as a local cryptid.

Roman: Where did that even come from?

Remy: Don’t question us, bitch.

Roman: I’m not. I’m just saying this perfectly sums up both of your personalities and describes your friendship to a dot.

Virgil: Oh… Thanks?

~

Thomas: I don’t want to sleep!

Logan: Thomas, you need to sleep.

Thomas: What if I gave you chocolate? Then would you let me stay up?

Logan: No. I am not a child.

Thomas: I don’t know what adults like!

Remus: *in the back* Drugs!

Logan: *turns around* Don’t think I’m not coming after you next.

Remus: *runs*

~

Roman: *distressed Princey noises*

Virgil: *narrator voice* Ah yes. The wail of the wild Roman. It’s a battle cry and a mating call all in one.

~

Toby: Why do you drink so much coffee? Doesn’t it make your anxiety worse?

Virgil: It’s not coffee. It’s stresso espresso.

Remy: *snapping fingers* Hey! No renaming the sacred liquid bean juice. The coffee gods don’t like that.

~

Virgil: *narrator voice* The Sides all have very different reactions when Thomas is confronted with a problem.

Patton: I don’t know what to do! Logan help!

Logan: Thomas, you need to take a moment and figure out exactly-

Roman: Slay it!

Virgil: *looks into camera* See what I have to deal with? This is why I’m in the driver's seat so often. See, isn’t this so much better? *gestures to Thomas*

Thomas: *panics* Fleeborb.

Joan: *over phone* I don’t think Taco Bell sells those, Thomas. Want to just text me your order?

~

Virgil: Who set off the fire alarm?!

Logan: Patton did. Calm down. It goes off almost every time you use the toaster. You know how sensitive it is.

Virgil: He’s not making toast! He’s making spaghetti! 

Logan: *realization face* 

~

Janus: *reading* The bone-eared assfish has the smallest brain to body ratio of all known vertebrates. 

Remus: I find that offensive.

Janus: What was that? I don’t care.

Virgil: Can we just take a moment to point out that it’s name is the bone-eared assfish? Implying there are other kinds of assfish?


	34. Set XXXIV

Virgil: I’ve been wearing this hoodie and nothing else for a week.

Roman: Gross.

Virgil: *sniffs inside of hoodie* I don’t smell bad.

Logan: Smell your underarm, not your neck.

Virgil: *sniffs* Oh my… You’re right. It does smell bad.

~

Virgil: *singing* Steel to my tremblin' lips. How did the night ever get like this? One shot and the whiskey goes down, down, down…

Logan: Who gave him alcohol?

~

Roman: Zack Efron is so hot.

Remy: Yes, Zack Efron is hot but do we respect him? The answer is no, gurl.

Roman: *offended Princey noises* Why don’t we respect Zack Efron?

Remy: Watch High School Musical and tell me that man is worthy of respect.

Roman: I have seen High School Musical and I’m telling you that man is worthy of respect.

Remy: Well, you’re wrong, bitch.

Patton: *in the back* He’s in Scoob!

Remy: Nevermind, I take it back.

~

Logan: You should use Duck Duck Go.

Remy: Heretic! 

Roman: Duck Duck Go is just off brand Google.

Virgil: I know I’m paranoid as shit but honestly I don’t care if Google of the government has my information. Like, if I have an FBI agent looking at my google activity, they are probably depressed for me.

Janus: May I remind you we’re imaginary?

~

Virgil & Janus: *huddled together, whispering*

Roman: What are you doing?

Janus: *holds up frog* It’s Frog Patton!

Roman: Frog Patton?

Virgil: He’s like Frog Thor but better. Instead of lightning, he has the power of rainbows and cuddles.

~

Virgil: *screaming*

Logan: What’s wrong?

Virgil: The bread won’t fit in the freaking toaster!

~

Janus, Virgil, Logan, & Roman: *rise up*

Thomas: What’s going on?

Janus: Remus.

Virgil: We had to get out of there.

Thomas: Where’s Patton?

Roman: Don’t worry, he’s fine.

Logan: It’s raining tacos. He’s pretty happy actually.

~

Roman: *pointing and laughing*

Virgil: Stop.

Logan: What happened?

Roman: He forgot the word for sugar so he called it cake essence! 

~

Janus: *kicks down door*

Thomas: *screams*

Janus: Remus! Sic ‘im!

Remus *runs in with mace*

Thomas: *summons Roman* Roman! Help!

Roman: Nah bro. You brought this on yourself.

Thomas: *runs* What’d I do?

Janus: MYSTERIOUS PATHS ISN’T ON MY PLAYLIST!

Thomas: I’m sorry! It doesn’t have any words!

Janus: You know what has words? FRIENDS ON THE OTHER SIDE! Your own song! And guess what? THAT’S NOT ON IT EITHER!

Thomas: I’m sorry!

Janus: No! Sorry won’t cut it. Remus! Keep chasing him.

Remus: But I’m getting tired.

Janus: KEEP CHASING!

~

Roman: Who smells worse, me or Logan?

Virgil: *sniffs both* Logan, you smell like Crofters.

Roman: So I win by default?

Virgil: No. You’re a horrendous concaustion of hair products and barbeque sauce. Logan wins by far.

Roman: *offended Princey noises*

~

Thomas: Where were you last night?

Remy: Out…

Thomas: But you’ll be here tonight, right?

Remy: I dunno… Probably.

Thomas: Where do you even go at night?

Remy: Where all your Sides go when you can’t find them.

Thomas: Where’s that? My subconscious?

Remy: Nah, Virgil’s room. We play Just Dance whenever we don’t want to work.

~

Janus: Remus has escaped! I repeat! Remus has escaped! This is not a drill!

Virgil: *panicking*

Roman: *draws sword*

Logan: What’s the plan?

Patton: *walks in* Found him!

Janus: Wait, what? Where?

Patton: He was sleeping in the dishwasher.

Janus: ...Oh. False alarm.

~

Logan: If you rob a bank, you do not have to worry about food, rent, or bills for the next ten years regardless of your success.

Remus: Thomas!

Janus: Remus, no.

Remus: Remus yes!

Janus: No! Roman! Virgil! Toby! Help!

*later*

Thomas: *walks in to see Roman, Virgil, and Toby wrestling Remus down* Do I even want to know?

~

Roman: Remus is eating.

Thomas: And…?

Roman: And this is a warning.

Thomas: Thank you?

Roman: *sinks out*

~

Virgil: *crying*

Janus: What’s wrong?

Virgil: Roman told me-

Janus: Remus! Get the mace! We’re becoming murderers tonight!

Remus: Yes! I’ve been waiting for this day!

Virgil: No! Roman told me Gilbert died!

Janus: Oh…

Remus: *drops mace* GILBERT’S DEAD?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Gilbert. No one actually died. I might recycle the Gilbert joke later but he hasn't showed up in awhile.
> 
> Most of Vigil's lines either come from things I've said or are just me projecting. I feel like I should be concerned and stop doing that.


	35. Set XXXV: Toby vs Logan! Toby Steals His Sunglasses Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another themed chapter. This one is more like Wednesday is Orange than the Toast or Cat chapters. Like Wednesday is Orange, I wrote this in one sitting very late at night. Kind of ridiculous but it's fun.
> 
> This chapter references the Halloween Special where Logan took Toby’s sunglasses and didn’t give them back. Specifically this quote:
> 
> Logan: All of us Sides have some kind of influence over Thomas and even Remy and Emile have some kind of role in the Mindpalace but you’re not like the rest of us. What do you do?  
> Toby: Hold my sunglasses. I’m about to October the fuck out of you guys.  
> Logan: You’re going to October us? What does that mean? Is the Mindpalace going to get slightly chilly? Are the leaves going to turn orange? You’ll give us some candy?  
> Toby: Okay. Just for that, I’m not telling you. Now give me back my sunglasses.  
> Logan: … No.
> 
> Shout out to my friend Emory who gave me this idea after reading the Halloween chapter.

Nate: Does Logan still have your sunglasses?

Toby: … Yeah.

Remy: Gurl, kick his ass. Teach him not to mess with a Shorts Side’s sunglasses.

Remus: *in the background* Janus! Get the popcorn! Shit’s about to go down!

~

Nate: This is a crime against the Shorts Characters. Logan knows how much we love our sunglasses.

Remy: How’d he even get your sunglasses?

Toby: … I may or may not have handed them to him.

Remy: *disappointed* Gurl.

~

Remus & Janus: *shoveling snacks from the kitchen into their arms*

Virgil: What are you doing?

Remus: A war is going to start soon.

Virgil: Thomas banned days from having colors.

Janus: Logan stole Toby’s sunglasses.

Virgil: … Move over. My pockets can hold more snacks than your hands ever could.

~

Remus, Virgil, & Janus: *staring at Logan*

Logan: … What?

Remus: *chews loudly*

Logan: *backs out of commons slowly*

~

Logan: Patton, Emile, do you have any idea why the other Sides are behaving so oddly?

Emile: Patient-therapist confidentiality. 

Logan: Please, you have to tell me.

Emile: Patient-therapist confidentiality. 

Logan: Please!

Emile: Patient-therapist confidentiality. 

Logan: … Patton?

Patton: I made cookies.

Logan: Not helpful. Can I have some?

Patton: Virgil stole them all.

Logan: … Dammit. 

~

Remy: What’s the plan?

Toby: Be awesome and get my sunglasses back.

Nate: Great. We’ll be your back up.

~

Remus: *shoveling food into mouth* So who do you think is going to win?

Virgil: Nate, Remy, and Toby are all tough as nails. Logan’s a skinny little nerd. Who do you think is going to win?

Janus: Have you seen Logan talk down Remus?

Virgil: Have you seen Remy bitchslap Roman?

Janus: … Good point.

~

Remy, Nate, & Toby: *approach Logan*

Logan: *puts down book* Finally. What is it?

Toby: I want my sunglasses back.

Logan: What? I don’t have them?

Toby: WHAT?!

Logan: *turns into Janus* I’m just kidding. Logan paid me fifteen bucks to take his place. He’s in his room.

Toby: *visible relief* I’m going to go kill that fucker.

~

Toby: *pounding on door* Logan! Open up! I want my sunglasses back!

Logan: No!

Toby: Why do you even want them? You can’t even wear them!

Logan: … Wait, hold on. Give me a sec.

Toby: You didn’t think this through, did you?

Logan: I will not confirm nor deny that statement.

~

Thomas: *summons all Sides* I haven’t slept in two days. You guys better not be fighting about the colors of the days of the week again.

Roman: Do you really think that lowly of us?

Thomas: ...

Roman: Okay, I promise we haven’t been fighting. I haven’t seen anything.

Thomas: Then explain that. *points to Toby wrestling down Logan*

Roman: Oh shit. Oh shit! You guys have been having a war without me? Rude!

~

Thomas: *screaming* Why is Toby beating up Logan? 

Remy: That bitch deserves it!

Thomas: Toby, stop punching Logan. You’re going to break his glasses.

Toby: Not until he gives me my sunglasses back!

Thomas: Logan! You stole his sunglasses?!

Logan: Don’t judge me! You’ve done worse!

Thomas: *disappointed sigh* Yeah…

~

Sides: *cheering*

Toby & Logan: *flailing*

Thomas: Guys, just stop.

Toby: Fine! But these are mine now. *steals Logan’s glasses*

Logan: Wha- Hey! I need those!

~

Virgil: *narrator voice* We have reached a stalemate….

Thomas: Logan, give Toby his sunglasses back. Toby, give Logan his glasses back.

Logan & Toby: …

Thomas: Look, Remy is very emotionally invested in this so I’m not sleeping until he calms down and to do that, you two need to make up.

Remy: Hey! Don’t pin this on me.

~

Logan: I’m sorry for taking your sunglasses.

Toby: I’m sorry for taking your glasses.

Toby & Logan: *put on respective glasses*

Thomas: Now was that so hard?

Toby: Yes.

Logan: These aren’t my glasses.

Toby: What? How? It’s been like two minutes.

~

Thomas: *sighing* Okay, new Mindpalace rule. No wars. I’m tired of losing sleep anytime one of you starts something.

Sides: *loud protesting*

Logan: If sleep is the problem, what if we just exclude Remy?

Thomas: No excluding anyone! Ever! I just want all of you to get along.

Remy: You do realize who you’re talking to, right? You need to lower your expectations, gurl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the Pride Month chapter. Speaking of Pride Month, I'm sure most of you have heard but be careful on social media at the beginning of June. There is an extremist event called Pridefall planned to happen. If you haven't heard of it, please do your research and be careful.


	36. Set XXXVI: Pride Month

Roman: Everyone get ready! We’re about to break the fourth wall!

Entity: *yeets self into When Everything Goes Wrong* Hey there guys, gals, and non-binary pals! Glad to be here! In February 2018-

Virgil: Oh god, they’re telling their whole life story.

Entity: *coughs loudly* As I was saying, in February 2018, I told myself I’d come out in June. And guess what?

Remy: It’s June 2020 and you’re still in the closet?

Entity: That’s right I am! But I’m not as far back there as I used to be and I’ve learned to love and accept myself so that counts as a win in my book.

Patton: Aww.

Emile: We know not everyone is in the situation as the author. Some of you are still in the closet, questioning, having a hard time with self-acceptance, out but in a rough situation, out and living happily as yourself, or something else we can’t think of at the moment but that’s what pride’s for. Everyone in the LGBT community is valid and this month exists to celebrate that.

Entity: That’s right Emile! This chapter exists to celebrate those of you who read this story, some friends of mine, and everyone in this wonderful community. These are Incorrect Quotes for you, including you, and written by you! Pride Month is something special for this community and today we’re going to celebrate!

~

_ Written by my friend Emory _

Remus: I’m the gayest Remus! 

Emory: Nah, Bitch, I’m the gayest Remus! 

Remus: No... Me... *pulls out Morningstar*

Emory: No... it’s clearly me! *pulls out metal bat* 

Remus & Emory: AHHhhhHhhHHhhhHH *Battles it out*

~

_ Written by my friend Evie _

Evie: Im the most dramatic gay person here! 

Roman: *rises up* Excuse me?! I am the gay Disney prince! 

Evie: Well sorry, Mr. Prince Charming. I’m the one who’s better!

Evie & Roman: We’re both gay then!

~

_ Written by my friend Sage _

Sage: I'm sad, I'm gay but at least I have tea. 

Virgil: Hey, me too. 

Sage: You wanna join? 

Virgil: Yeah... 

Virgil & Sage: *sad vibes* But at least I got tea.

~

_ Written by/ for reader MelodiReads _

Logan: So let me get this straight.

Roman: More like let me run this bi you.

Patton: Let's see how this pans out.

Janus: Do we need a translator?

Virgil: No but if we did, you’d ace it.

Remus: *panicking* I’m gay.

Logan: … First off, how dare you insinuate that I'm straight.

~

_ Written for reader Insanity_Lover _

Remy: Remus! Get your mace! I’ve got an enby here ready to cause some chaos!

Remus: *rises up* Alright, who are we going to f-

Remy: Clean chaos. They’re asexual and demiromantic.

Remus: Ugh, fine. You wanna help me light my brother on fire, Valkyrie?

Valkyrie: No! No lighting people on fire, Remus!

Remus: … You’re kidding, right?

Valkyrie: *scoffs* I pushed Janus down the stairs the moment I got here. You have no idea where my limits are.

Remus & Remy: *grinning* They’re one of us.

~

_ Written for reader Emyvio _

Virgil & Emyvio: *making toast*

Virgil: *looks at toast* … Could be gayer.

Emyvio: I’m a toast addicted asexual. You really think I don’t know how to make gay toast?

Virgil: *grins* I knew there was a reason you’re my favorite.

~

_ Written for my friend Skyler _

Skyler: Wha…. What are you doing?

Patton: Hugging you.

Skyler: Um… okay? Why?

Patton: We’re living proof gay men and lesbian women can be friends! Some people don’t think we can get along. We are friends, right?

Skyler: *hugs back* Of course, Patton.

~

_ Written for reader ARandomThing _

Toby: My friend Nate and I would like to make a statement.

Nate: Anyone who says asexual and aromantic people aren’t part of the LGBT community, you can fuck off! They’re as valid as the rest of us and they deserve all the validation in the world!

Toby: *picks up Helena* This is my new friend Helena! She asked us to include aromantic people in this celebration!

Nate: *grabs megaphone* LOUD AND AGGRESSIVE LOVE AND SUPPORT!

Helena: Thanks guys but um… Can you put me down?

Toby: Right. Sorry. I got excited there.

~

_ Written for reader INeedAGoodUsernamePlease _

Virgil: *reading off cue card* Okay, so Nico would like us to include genderfluid, trans, and non-binary people in an Incorrect Qu-

Entity: *rises up* Yes! Finally!

Virgil: What are you doing here? This is Nico’s quote. You weren’t supposed to show up until the end.

Entity: I know but these are my people. I got excited. Like 90% of the memes I make are either about Sanders Sides or my gender identity and they never crossover.

Virgil: Okay, fine. You can stay but no stealing Nico’s thunder.

Entity: But I have so many things I want to say!

Virgil: Entity.

Entity: Ugh, fine. I’ll shorten it. To all you trans, genderfluid, and non-binary pals out there, shout out to you. I know how hard finding a label, dealing with gender dysphoria, learning to be comfortable with your gender identity, explaining your gender identity, and finding validation can be. Gender is a wide spectrum and everyone’s experience and situation is different and y’all deserve to be celebrated. Loud and proud support to all of you!

Virgil: Okay, great. So-

Entity: Did I do good, Nico?! Did I do good?! There aren’t really any good jokes that worked here but I really wanted to include everyone.

Nico: *thumbs up*

Entity: *fist pump* Yeah… Okay, I’ll go now.

~

_ Written for my friend TA _

Entity: *pushes TA into commons* This is an alloy.

Roman: *doesn’t look up* Cool.

Logan: *visible confusion* Like metal?

Virgil: That’s the author’s friend. Alloy is a combination of the words allo and ally. She’s an allo ally.

Entity: She’s allocishet but very supportive of me and our mutual ace friends. And all our friends.

Logan: I see. Well, nice to meet you, TA.

TA: :D

~

Logan: What is the gay agenda?

Virgil: There is none. We’re too confused to have one.

Logan: Then what’s the trans agenda?

Virgil: I think you mean the transmission. And I don’t know but there’s a section about it on Wikipedia.

~

Virgil: Spoons are lesbians. Forks are straight men. Toasters are-

Janus: Please. Not now.

~

Remy: *looking at phone* Why are enby and ace memes so good? I don’t relate to any of these but I love them.

Entity: I know right? I always want to include ace and enby jokes in this fic but it’s really hard to since none of you are asexual or non-binary.

Remy: Somehow you still manage to do it and it’s terrible.

Entity: Thanks Rem.

Remy: But for real, you need to make more gay jokes.

Entity: Gay people don’t make funny memes.

Remy: *offended bean noises*

Entity: I’m sorry.

Remy: Don’t be. It’s not your fault you’re not fabulous enough to relate to our humor.

Entity: *offended ??? noises*

Remy: Hey, what is your name anyway?

Entity: You roast me and expect to get it?

Remy: Fair.

~

Entity: Thanks all of you for writing these quotes and submitting the requests! I had a lot of fun with these! All of you get a gold star!

Patton: Don’t you mean a rainbow star?

Entity: *curses loudly* How could I… Nevermind. We’re going out with a bang! There are no parades this year so all of you get in a conga line. Come on, get!

Remy: I call lead! Everyone follow me!

Roman, Remus, Janus, Virgil, Logan, Patton, Emile, Toby, Nate, Emory, Evie, Sage, MelodiReads, Insanity_Lover, Emyvio, Skyler, ARandomThing, Nico, TA: *parade around the Mindpalace*

Entity: *looks to reader* But for real, thanks to all of you. I had fun writing this one. I have way too many titles but most of them are pretty uncommon so it was always exciting to see someone out there who shared my gender or sexuality. That’s what Pride Month is for- remembering we’re not alone and celebrating our community. It’s hard to show our pride during quarantine this year but for those of you who can, I encourage you to do something no matter how big or small. Stay safe all you guys, gals, and non-binary pals and have a great Pride Month! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Pride Month to you all! I hope you guys enjoyed the quotes I wrote for you. Have a great Pride!


	37. Set XXXVII: Creativitwins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was actually going to go up next week (sorry for the longer wait than usual, there is a reason for that and I'll explain in the author's note at the end of the page) but then I realized it's Roman's birthday and I had to post this. I don't know if we've decided as a community if Roman and Remus share a birthday but happy birthday to them both.
> 
> This chapter is for all you siblings out there. My sister and I are having a time in quarantine. Is it a good time? Is it a bad time? Who knows? Most of these are loosely based on our interactions as well as general sibling-like interactions that only siblings can relate to.

Remus: *standing on roof* I HAVE 15 BUTTS!

Roman: What are you doing? Get down from there!

Remus: In Parks & Rec, Tom Haverford got his partner by making a joke about having fifteen penises.

Roman: … Move over. There’s room for two of us up there.

~

Remus: The best part of oouuii-

Roman: *snorts* “The best part of oouuii.”

Remus: Shut up. The best part of oouui is that it can be spelled oouuii, ooii, oui, ooee, ouee, uuii, ooy, oouueeyy, or with pretty much any other combination of vowels.

Roman: Aooee.

Remus: I hate you.

~

Remus: *follows Roman into the bathroom* Entertain me.

Roman: After I shower.

Remus:

Roman: Get out. I’m going to get naked.

Remus: 

Roman: Dad! Remus is being weird again!

~

Roman: Are you wearing a hat?

Remus: Yeah.

Roman: Why?

Remus: I don’t know. I just felt like wearing a hat today.

Roman: Well, take it off. It makes your head look fat.

Remus: *puts and takes it off*

Romans: Oh, ew. 

Remus: What?

Roman: Put if back on. You look so much worse now.

Remus: Thank you.

~

Remus: *walks into Roman’s room*

Roman: *looks up from book*

Remus: *turns around and slaps own butt* WHO’S READ TO CLAP SOME ALIEN ASS CHEEKS?! *Naruto runs away*

Roman: *looks back to book*

~

Remus: *puts feet up on dashboard*

Roman: Ew!

Remus: What? My feet don’t smell  _ that _ bad!

Roman: Not that! I mean, they do smell but that’s not even the worst thing. What’s wrong with your leg hair?

Remus: Hmm?

Roman: It’s just so- ew. Why is it growing like that? Like my hair doesn’t grow like that. And it’s all… bleh in one spot?

Remus: I’ll shave it if it bothers you so much.

Roman: You need to do more than shave. The minute we get home, I’m waxing that shit off.

~

Remus: Roman!

Roman: What?

Remus:

Roman: Don’t just yell my name and say nothing afterward!

Remus: Hold on. I’m having a moment. Give me a minute.

Roman: Use your own minute!

~

Remus: Roman?

Roman: Yes?

Remus: Can you make mac and cheese today?

Roman: What are you, five? Make your own mac and cheese.

Remus: Please?

Roman: … Fine. But you have to help.

Remus: :D

~

Remus: Don’t die.

Roman: You can’t just say something like that and walk away!

~

Remus: There are three stages of sibling bonds.

Roman: The first is best friend. This typically only lasts until you two make other friends.

Remus: Then there’s the enemy stage. Roman and I were here for a pretty long time.

Roman: Then there’s the partner in crime stage. Now, we can’t spill any secrets about this one because then Janus would find out that we-

Janus: *kicks down door* WHO TOUCHED MY SHIT?!

Roman & Remus: *point at each other* HIM!

~

Remus: *muttering* Raccoon butts. Cannibal Lego people. Whale sharts. Toetillas.

Roman: Remus, it’s been three days. People are asking questions. Get out of the dishwasher and come sit at the table for breakfast like a normal person.

Remus: *hisses* Never!

~

Roman: *sticks head into Remus’s room* You’re gay, right?

Remus: Yeah. Why?

Roman: No reason. Just making sure.

~

Remus: Do you love me, brother?

Roman: No.

Remus: *offended Dukey noises* Why not?

Roman: Well, do you love me?

Remus: *scoffs* Of course not. Why would I- Oh…

~

Roman: I’m just so tired of dealing with people right now.

Remus: Well then I-

Roman: THIS IS SOCIAL INTERACTION AND I DON’T SUPPORT IT!

Remus: I’m your brother. I don’t count.

Roman: *visible confusion*

Virgil: Hey Roman, can you-

Remus: Fuck off!

Virgil: *backs away slowly*

Roman: *looks at Remus* … Okay, you can stay.

~

Roman: Remember two days ago when I let you throw your clothes in my laundry basket after you showered?

Remus: Yeah. Why?

Roman: Well, you can totally tell. My laundry smells like you.

Remus: Like me smell or like B.O.?

Roman: Like B.O.

Remus: Oh yeah… you shouldn’t let my clothes fester or they get all musty.

Roman: WOULD’VE BEEN NICE TO KNOW TWO DAYS AGO!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so normally the break between chapters is only a day or two and that's because I have chapters bulk written. I don't have a ton backed up right now (writing Chapter 40 the day this is being posted) and I don't think any massive waves of inspiration are going to hit me. I'm still in quarantine so there's not much to inspire me.
> 
> In other news, this week was fucking insane. On Sunday, I finished this art thing where I built the four suits and painted my main four pride flags on them. On Monday, I cried a lot (good crying). On Tuesday, I came out to my sister and dad. On Wednesday, I came out to my mom and did the whole ceremonious trans guy haircut thing with my sister's help. On Thursday (today), I went to a (peaceful) protest for the first time. 
> 
> So lots of things. Lots of feelings but not going to dump a crazy long author's note on you guys. Tomorrow hopefully I'll buy a binder, some flags, and the rings and try to figure out how to come out to my friends. Point is I'm doing pretty good and there are still going to be updates on this story but they may be spaced out a bit more since I have written like 600 Incorrect Quotes since February and life is too distracting to think of anything good.
> 
> If you guys have any requests for themed chapters, let me know. Even if it's something ridiculous, I'd love to hear what you guys want to see.


	38. Set XXXVIII

Logan: What are you two-

Janus & Remus: This isn’t what it looks like!

Logan: Where did you get all that bubble wrap?

~

Virgil: I woke up this morning and I thought ‘hey, I want to wear a flannel’ then I remembered I can’t because Florida.

Janus: First world problems.

Virgil: This isn’t even a first world problem. I wouldn’t have this problem if I lived in New York.

~

Virgil: *narrator voice* Local gay man has his third emotional breakdown this week.

Thomas: What? I’m fine.

Virgil: I was talking about me.

~

Logan: *setting up Monopoly board* Should we invite Remus and Janus?

Patton: Ye-

Roman & Virgil: NO!

Virgil: Janus doesn’t even try to play correctly! He’s just trying to get snake eyes the whole time!

Roman: Remus is worse! He just tries to eat the pieces!

~

Virgil: You ever just vibing to an awesome playlist and then a meme song pops up and you don’t know if you should be depressed or hyped?

Janus: No.

Virgil: Oh. Well, Spotify just hit me with a Watcha Say and I don’t know how I feel.

~

Virgil: What if Thomas was a girl?

Logan: Do you mean girl as in identity-wise or biologically?

Virgil: Biologically. Like what would happen if he had a period? Would we have it too?

Logan: *looks up* I sense a long night ahead of us.

~

Virgil & Logan: *rise up*

Logan: Thomas, we need you to get pregnant.

Thomas: What? I can’t-

Virgil: It’s for science.

Thomas: No!

Logan: Well, it was worth a shot.

~

Virgil: The question is am I okay and the answer is no.

Logan: Are you okay?

Virgil: What did I just say?

~

Roman: I think you’re supposed to go for butt.

Logan: The butt is best but the armpit and the mouth also work.

Patton: I usually just do the armit.

Virgil: *visible confusion*

Logan: We’re talking about thermometers. 

Virgil: Oh.

~

Janus: A human can drown in just an inch of water.

Remus: I am that inch.

~

Virgil: How is Logan the most asexual person ever while Remus is the literal definition of allosexual? Like how do they coexist in Thomas without imploding?

Janus: Simple. Logan gave Remus all his attraction to remove his weakness and make Remus stronger.

Virgil: Wait, really?

Janus: … No.

Virgil: Damn. You really had me going there. That would’ve been awesome.

~

Patton: Why is the world so violent? What are people even fighting for?

Logan: Well, there are a number of reasons. Fear, oppression, unj-

Roman: Loot boxes. I fight for loot boxes.

Virgil: Me too. Sometimes they have cool stuff in them.

~

Virgil: Wanna hear my Janus impression?

Roman: Sure?

Virgil: Blah blah society blah blah lies.

Roman: That was… so accurate. Do Remus next.

Virgil: Blah blah deodorant blah blah butts.

Roman: Do me.

Virgil: Blah blah Disney blah blah princes.

Roman: *offended Princey noises*

~

Logan: If you feed a moose, it may become aggressive and attack the next human it sees that doesn’t have food.

Remus: …

Janus: Remus, no.

Remus: …!

Janus: REMUS NO!

~

Janus: If I was caught selling meth, would you defend me?

Virgil: *shakes head silently*

Janus: Rude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you know, last week was a crazy week and I don't have too many chapters written in advance. I'll try to write some themed chapters or something but if there are abruptly no updates for a bit after Chapter 40, that just means I have no inspiration.
> 
> I had to change my email address yesterday since I'm trying to change my name and I transfered all my writing on my Google Drive to a new one. The folder I use for writing straight up vanished for a solid 5 minutes but I messed with some settings and managed to get it back. Almost lost a few chapters.
> 
> Coming out to my immediate family went great last week. Hopefully coming out to some friends and non-immediate family this week. Last week was awesome, less optimistic this week. But, I am getting my binders, flags, and rings this week so looking forward to that.


	39. Set XXXIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might make an update schedule for this story. Not sure.
> 
> My binders came in the mail today so that's awesome. Came out as trans to my religious grandma yesterday and that was not awesome. I'm doing pretty good though. Anyway, enjoy the chapter.

Logan: You look terrible.

Virgil: I had an anxiety attack last night.

Logan: I’m sorry.

Virgil: That’s not even the worst part. Turns out the RICK ROLL SONG IS ON SPOTIFY’S ANXIETY RELIEF PLAYLIST.

Logan: And that’s bad why…?

Virgil: My adrenaline leaps the moment I hear it.

~

Janus: I need you to summon me a bottle of wine.

Roman: Another one? This is the third one tonight. You have a date or something?

Janus: No, Remus invited me to his octopus’s birthday party. I need to be too drunk to stand if I’m going to survive the night.

Roman: Janus, no. That doesn’t sound heal-

Virgil: I got you, Dee. I have sixteen bottles of vodka saved up for this occasion and I’m willing to share.

Roman: *concerned Princey noises*

~

Roman: *holding Virgil up by the hoodie* This bitch just ran in here and stole my pasta!

Virgil: *hissing violently* 

~

Logan: My only goal in life is for people to look at me and say “that man is homosexual” while also being aware that I am not attracted to anyone. Happy Ace Awareness Week everyone.

Virgil: Ace Awareness Week is in October.

Logan: Come here.

Virgil: *walks into commons and sees Logan sitting on Toby’s lap* Oh shit.

~

Remus: *singing* You are my fire. The one desire. Believe when I say… I want a threeway. 

Janus: What?

Virgil: Ew, no.

Remus: Not with you! With Travis the traffic cone!

Janus: Who’s your third?

Remus: Pablo the paper towel roll.

~

Thomas: There’s this Japanese myth that the face you have is the face of the person you loved most in your past life.

Sides: *look at each other* 

Patton: So do we kiss now or…?

~

Roman: What food do you think of when you think of Latin American food?

Logan: *not looking up* Tacos.

Roman: What food do you think of when you think of Asian food?

Logan: Sushi.

Roman: What food do you think of when you think of European food?

Logan: Quiche.

Roman: Quiche?

Janus: Quiche is white people food.

Roman: I mean… I can’t argue with that.

Virgil: The correct answer was bread and I’m offended that you didn’t say that, Logan.

Logan: Bread actually originated in Arabia.

Virgil: Fuck you. I just want bread.

~

Virgil: Is OJ Simson out of jail yet?

Logan: I’m not sure.

Virgil: He killed his wife, right?

Remus: He pushed her off a balcony!

Logan: … No? 

Virgil: Remus, you’re thinking of the guy who lives down the street.

Remus: Oh… Janus! I’m getting reality and OJ Simson mixed up again!

Janus: *in another room* AGAIN?!

~

Logan: You’re disgusting. 

Remus: Thanks. I try.

~

Thomas: I need dating advice. How do I make a first good impression on a guy?

Virgil: Honestly if you just talked about Kermit the Frog, you’d have my attention for awhile.

Thomas: Thanks but I was asking Roman.

Virgil: Oh. Roman, do you like Kermit too?

Roman: I’m more of an Elmo guy myself but I could go for some Kermit.

Thomas: *questioning existence*

~

Roman: So then my leg falls asleep and-

Virgil: Wait. The moment you said leg I had a realization. 

Roman: What is it?

Virgil: My brain just assigned genders to different parts of my leg.

Roman: *visible confusion*

Virgil: Hear me out. Thighs are women, calves are men, feet and knees are enbys.

Roman: Virgil… I think it’s time for you to take a nap.

~

Remus: *full rage screaming in other room*

Logan: What’s the matter with him?

Virgil: Janus is making him read a book.

Logan: Reading can’t be that bad.

Remus: I JUST FINISHED IT! MY HEART IS IN AGONY! WHY IS THERE ROMANCE IF THE MAIN CHARACTER IS STILL ALONE AT THE END?!

Logan: Ah.

~

Roman: *walks into commons* Are… Are you playing Scrabble by yourself?

Logan: Yes. Playing with the rest of you is too disappointing.

Roman: Dude… That’s depressing.

Patton: *watching Logan* I used to play Monopoly with my stuffed animals.

Roman: That’s even more depressing. Are you two okay?

~

Remus: It’s not that weird.

Roman: Yes it is!

Remus: No, it’s not. Everyone’s done it. I’ll prove it. *busts into commons* RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU EVER BEEN TURNED ON BY MR. CLEAN!

Virgil, Remy, Janus, Toby, & Nate: *stand with both arms up*

Roman: Okay, that does make me feel a bit better.

Emile, Patton, & Logan: *visible confusion*

~

Virgil: There are two kinds of sad. There is-

Janus: Sitting down in the shower sad.

Remus: And Lion King sad. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing in between.

Virgil: Not what I was going to say but okay.


	40. Set XL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 40! That means I have officially posted 600 Incorrect Quotes here with no sign of stopping. Slowing down maybe but not stopping.

Roman: *walks into commons* So I fell down in the shower…

Virgil: *laughs*

Roman: *showst leg* And now I’m bleeding.

Virgil: *stops laughing* Oh shit. I’ll get the first aid kit.

Remus: No need. I can just lick the blood away.

Roman & Virgil: No!

~

Virgil: I'm wearing a flannel and three people have asked me why I'm "dressed up" today. Apparently I have a reputation as a hoodie gremlin.

Remus: I was going to say something but I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.

Virgil: … Thanks.

~

Patton: So if your soulmate dies, do you get a new one?

Roman: Um…

Virgil: Uh…

Logan: No.

Roman: Logan!

Logan: I’m not sorry.

~

Janus & Virgil: *sitting in a fire, staring at nothing*

Roman: *walks in* Oh my god. What happened here?

Janus: Remus.

Virgil: The best part is that this isn’t even the craziest thing that happened today.

~

Remus: We’re making hall passes everybody! Name one person and that’s the only person you can fuck other than each other.

Logan: But we’re not-

Virgil: Jake from State Farm.

Logan: But we’re not-

Roman: Flynn Rider.

Logan: But we’re not-

Janus: Randall from Monsters Inc.

Logan: WE’RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. WE DON’T NEED HALL PASSES.

Virgil, Roman, & Janus: 

Remus: … Patton, your turn.

~

Remy: Ooh, gurl. You my favorite. Come here and get some love you pretty lil gurl.

Virgil: Who are you talking to?

Remy: *looks up with a muffin in mouth* Nobody.

~

Virgil: So I just discovered naan…

Roman: Just now?

Virgil: Fuck you, let me have this.

Roman: There’s garlic naan.

Virgil: I take my fuck back. Where can I find garlic naan?

~

Roman: *kicks down Janus’s door* Come on. We need to get out of here.

Janus: *wakes up startled* What the f-

Roman: The letters in racoon rearrange to spell corona. Virgil and Remus are going to be our doom. We need to-

Janus: Roman, raccoon has two c’s.

Roman: What?

Janus: Unless we get attacked by the coronac, I think we’re safe.

~

Remy: *sets something on Virgil’s lap* Taco cat.

Virgil: *looks down* Did you put my cat in a taco shell?

Remy: *walks away* Maybe.

~

Remus: *pours glue into cereal*

Virgil: Definitely can’t eat that but okay.

Remus: *shovels into mouth*

Virgil: Fuck… Janus! Get the hose!

~

Remus: *leaves table*

Roman: Aren’t you going to clean up after yourself?

Remus: *flips placemat over*

Roman: Remus, that only works if the other side is clean.

~

Janus: How did you even get that in there?

Remus: I don’t know.

Janus: Well, can you get it out?

Remus: I don’t think so!

Janus: Roman! Your brother fisted the toilet and now his arm’s stuck. I need to borrow your sword!

Roman: *in another room* No cutting his arms off!

Janus: It’ll grow back!

~

Patton: *holds up bottle* Do you want this for anything?

Logan: What would I do with it?

Patton: *shrugs*

Remus: *jumps out of dishwasher* You could put drugs in it!

~

Virgil: You ever have that moment where you finally listen to an artist that everyone tells you to listen to and then you realize that you should’ve been listening to them forever ago and this is your new favorite musician?

Roman: No.

Virgil:

Roman: I only listen to Disney and musicals.

Virgil: Oh. Right.

~

Logan: It has come to my attention that you are extremely touch starved.

Virgil: I am also extremely touch averse so don’t fucking hug me.

Logan: I know. I have a solution. *holds up weighted blanket*

Virgil:

Logan: Are you crying?

Virgil” *sniffing* No...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've talked about doing 3D builds in the past but I'm trying out a new medium. Whole new thing: painting on a flat surface. And by flat surface I mean my walls. I now have a Virgil's storm cloud and Logan, Patton, and Roman as birds over the foot of my bed. Really need to get an Instagram or Tumblr to share these things... sharing your reddit is weird.
> 
> Unrelated, I'd like to say that I love my pets and they entertain me greatly while editing and writing. The entire time I was editing this chapter, I could see my tortoise outside through the corner of my eye trying to walk in circles but repeatedly misjudging how sharp he had to turn and walking into the wall. (Don't worry, he's fine. He's a big boi)


	41. Set XLI: Board Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve gotten this one requested a lot. And by a lot I mean my friends TA and Skyler each asked me once at different times and I’ve been meaning to do this one for awhile. Some of these are in a different style since I’ve been thinking about mixing up the formatting/ style a bit.

_ Twister _ (Players: Patton, Logan, Roman, Virgil, Janus, Remus)

Patton: *having fun, struggling to hold the position*

Remus: *trying to be on top, trying to lick Roman*

Roman: *being extra, trying to not get licked*

Virgil: *trying to not let his hoodie ride up, trying to avoid contact as much as possible*

Janus: *reading spinner incorrectly*

Logan: Are you doing this on purpose or are you color blind?!

Janus: *flickers spinner* Both.

~

_ Risk _ (Players: Patton, Logan, Roman, Virgil; Observers: Janus, Remus)

Logan: *strategizing take over from Asia*

Patton: *building an army in Australia, not attacking anyone*

Virgil: *defensive base around Africa*

Roman: *offensive campaign from the Americas*

Janus: *sitting in the corner with some dice, trying to get snake eyes*

Remus: *trying to eat Janus’s dice*

~

_ Monopoly  _ (Players: Patton, Logan, Roman, Virgil, Janus, Remus, Remy, Emile)

Patton: I want the cat!

Emile: I want the dog!

Roman: Why isn’t the canon a piece anymore?

Logan: *plotting*

Janus: *somehow has all the railroads by the second round around the board*

Remy: Remus, go to jail.

Remus: I’m already there.

Virgil: I’VE LANDED ON THE RAILROAD THE PAST 7 TIMES I’VE PASSED GO! WHAT THE FUCK JANUS!

Janus: Hand over your 200, peasant.

~

_ Trivial Pursuit  _

Logan: Anyone want to play?

All Sides: Not with you.

~

_ Scrabble  _ (Players: Patton, Logan, Roman, Virgil; Observers: Skitter Steve)

Patton: *starts* Kat.

Logan: Patton, that isn’t a word.

Virgil: Let him be, Logan. Ro, your turn.

Roman: Kiss. Logan, go.

Logan: Laconic.

Virgil: What does that even mean?! Skitter, get the dictionary. I have a feeling we’re going to need it.

~

_ Battleship _ (Players: Janus, Remus)

Remus: *knocks over board* Whoops.

Janus: *sighs* I’m not helping you pick those up.

~

_ Chinese Checkers  _ (Players: Patton, Logan, Roman, Virgil, Janus, Remus)

Roman: Chinese Checkers, I can do karate.

Patton: Chinese Checkers, I can call my mommy.

Virgil: Chinese Checkers, I can eat salami.

Janus: Chinese Checkers, oops I’m sorry.

Remus: You better watch out ‘cuz I’m not sorry!

Logan: *visible confusion*

~

_ Sorry _ (Players: Patton, Logan, Roman, Virgil)

Logan: There is no skill to this game.

Virgil: Roman just got an 11.

Roman: Swapping with Virgil!

Logan: That’s still not skill.

Virgil: Patton just got a Sorry card.

Logan: Still not skill. And watch, he’s going to cry instead of using it.

Patton: Noooooo! I can’t hurt any of my kiddos!

Logan: See?

Virgil: Point.

~

_ Chutes and Ladders  _ (Players: Patton, Logan, Roman, Virgil, Janus, Remus)

Patton: Look at all the little slides!

Janus: Why aren’t we playing the version with snakes?

Roman & Remus: *drawing snakes on the board with permanent marker*

Logan: Did you know Chutes and Ladders is based on an ancient Indian game representing the cycle of reincarnation? 

Virgil: Wow. Way to make me have an existential crisis while playing a children’s game.

~

_ Candy Land  _ (Players: Patton, Logan, Roman, Virgil)

Virgil: This game is for babies. Who even likes-

Roman & Patton: *excited screaming*

Logan: If you ruin this moment, Virgil, you’re dead to me.

Virgil: Wouldn’t dream of it.

~

_ Life _ (Players: Remy, Emile, Toby, Nate)

Emile: Remy, you need to go to college.

Remy: No!

Nate: Can I marry a man?

Toby: I want to be a pilot. 

~

_ Apples to Apples _ (Players: Patton, Virgil, Remy, Toby)

Toby: Why aren’t we playing Cards Against Humanity?

Virgil: Because Patton’s here.

Patton: What’s Cards Against Humanity?

Remy: Don’t worry about it, gurl. And if any of you bitches tell the bean, I’m slapping the sleep out of you.

~

_ Operation  _ (Players: Patton, Logan, Remus, Remy)

Patton: Cavity Sam! Don’t die on me!

Remus: *trying to shove a horse into knee*

Logan: *playing game with extreme focus*

Remy: *picks up board* YEET!

~

_ Uno _ (Players: Virgil, Janus, Remus)

Virgil: Uno.

Remus: Reverse Uno bitch!

Virgil:

Remus:

Janus: Remus, you put down a 4. In what world is that a Reverse Uno?

Remus: *shrugs* I dunno. I just wanted to say that I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know when you stay up until like 4 am doing weird shit? I did that last night and the universe decided to gift me with waking up to an earthquake. It was a small one so don't worry, I'm fine, but let me tell you this: I don't like having to determine how much danger I'm in first thing in the morning and I do not like having to choose between practicing earthquake safety and staying in bed when I'm sleep deprived. 
> 
> Important life tip for all of you: practice safety drills. I live on a fault line so earthquake safety is second nature to me. My first thought waking up to that was to find the safest place in the room to protect myself. In a natural disaster, you need to know exactly what to do. In case of an earthquake, a lightning storm, a tornado, a fire, a tidal wave, or even an armed assault, it is essential that you know what to do and are familiar enough with it to react immediately for your own safety and the safety of others. Even if you don't live on a fault line, in a high fire risk area, or near an ocean, you are not completely immune to these threats and chances are you're less prepared if you're not expecting it.
> 
> Stay safe guys, gals, and non-binary pals. There is no reason to live in fear but there's no reason to be unprepared either.
> 
> On a less serious note, board games are freaking awesome. Anyone heard the Chinese Checkers thing? I thought that was just something my weird Asian family did but I found the lyrics online so probably not.


	42. Set XLII: Vines Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this original? Heck no. Am I still doing it? Heck yeah.  
> I’m literally just watching a Vine compilation video, shoving the Sides in there, and trying to make it unique. Some of them are just based on or reference vines or completely shift the tone, they’re not exact copies. I might do a few of these Vine ones, let me know if you like them.

Roman: It’s Wednesday my dudes.

Remus: *screaming in the background*

Roman: *smiles awkwardly, trying to play it off like that was planned*

~

Patton: They’re following me!

Roman: *draws sword* Who’s following you?

Patton: The bugs!

Roman: *lowers sword* The bugs?

Patton: The bugs!

Roman: *raises sword* Then I shall fight them!

~

Virgil: Remus is definitely on crack right now.

Janus: *throws basketball at prone Remus*

Remus: Yah.

~

Patton: I got you something!

Logan: *opens box* An avocado? Thanks…

Patton: *clearly proud of himself* Do you like it?

Logan: ...Yes.

~

Logan: *making guacamole with his new avocado*

Remy: *runs in* Friesh avadcadoo!

Logan: What?

Toby: *runs in* Friesh avadcadoo!

Logan: Come again?

Virgil: *runs in* Friesh avadcadoo!

Logan: Someone please explain.

Remy, Toby, & Virgil: Friesh avadcadoo!

~

Janus: You got this Travis!

Remy: Make ‘em wait for it!

Remus: *spins Travis the Traffic Cone on swivel chair* Boom.

~

Remus: *trips*

Janus: *continues walking past him*

Virgil: *falls*

Janus: *turns around slowly* You didn’t seriously just trip over Remus, did you?

Virgil: No… I just slipped on the GODDAMN SPAGHETTI THAT FELL OUT OF HIS POCKETS!

Remus: *furiously shoveling noodles back into pockets* Don’t talk about my spaghetti like that.

~

Roman: *trying to be smooth* You got a bae?

Remy: *rises up and clicks tongue*

Remus: *busts in* OR A NAH?

Remy & Remus: *scream*

Roman: *muttering* Why do I try?

Virgil: *visible confusion* So um… I’m single?

~

Janus: Virgil, your part in the video was so good.

Virgil: No, I-

Janus: *silences* Just take the compliment.

~

Remy: So I’m sitting there, barbecue sauce on my tiddies-

Nate: I’m going to stop you right there.

Remus: Wait, I want to hear the rest of the story.

~

Toby: *running*

Nate: Why are you running?

Toby: Why are you not running?

Nate: Is that a serious question? I’m seriously asking here… You know I’m the Slo-Mo Guy, right? Running isn’t something I do.

~

Patton: Remy, I’m going to need you to-

Remy: You’re not my dad! *Naruto runs away*

Emile: Remy! Get back here!

Remy: *sulkily walks back*

Patton: *impressed*

~

Virgil, Roman, Remus, Remy, Toby, & Nate: *driving toward bridge*

Roman: *driver’s seat* Remus, get out of the car.

Remus: *passenger seat* Why?

Roman: There’s a weight limit.

Remy: *in the back* Gurl, if anyone has to get out, it’s you.

Toby & Nate: *burn noises*

Roman: *offended Princey noises*

Virgil: REMUS, SEIZE THE WHEEL! DRIVE US OFF THE BRIDGE!

Remus: *battlecry* … Wait, why aren’t we moving?

Roman: My foot’s on the break you idiot.

Remus: Then move your foot, fatty!

~

Virgil: We all die. You either kill yourself or get killed.

Patton: No.

Virgil: Sorry death. Dad says no.

~

Logan: What are you doing?

Patton: Dancing.

Logan: There’s no music playing.

Patton: Oh…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long to come out. I wrote it awhile ago but stuff kept happening irl and I didn't want to post in the middle of the night.
> 
> You guys remember that Deceit fic I wrote awhile back? Words, a 10 chapter drabble fic about Deceit being rejected by Thomas and learning that the other Sides accept him. Anyway, a reader is now reading it on their YouTube channel. Here's a link to the first chapter if you're interested. https://youtu.be/onllqIfme2g


	43. Set XLIII:  Vines Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuing this… It’s fun and I had no original ideas at the time due to lack of social interaction.

Skitter Steve: *playing with yarn*

Remus: I shoved that ball down my pants.

Skitter Steve: … *continues playing*

Remy: Damn gurl! Didn’t know you were into that.

~

Roman: Prepare to die!

Remy: *slaps Roman* I’m a bad bitch! You can’t kill me!

~

Logan: Eat cheerios.

Virgil: Why?

Logan: They’re heart healthy.

Remy: *slides in* And we all know your heart has been severely damaged.

~

Remus: *hunting Virgil* Come out, come out wherever you are…

Janus: That’s not going to work. Let me try. Red Robin!

Virgil: *jumps out of closet* Yum!

Remus: *stabs*

Virgil: … Is that a plastic spoon?

Remus: Yeah, Janus wouldn’t let me have a real one.

Virgil: Why would you hunt someone with a spoon?

Remus: Why would you hide in the closet? 

Virgil: Good point.

~

Nate: I’m so exhausted…

Remy: *looks into camera*

Toby: What are you looking at? There’s nothing there.

Remy: *turns and looks into camera*

Toby: It’s a wall. You’re literally looking at a wall.

~

Remus: *playing flute*

Roman: It’s a snake charmer!

Remus: Hey! Snake! You cute as hell.

Janus: *blushes* Ssstop…

~

Toby: The heck with diabetes! I’m having chocolate cake! And drinking beer! And-

Logan: You don’t have diabetes.

Virgil: And no drinking beer when Patton’s around.

Roman: That’s not even beer. That’s apple juice. It’s not even in a glass. You’re drinking it out of the box.

Toby: *sips apple juice* Let me live my life.

~

Virgil: *singing* Two bros! Chillin in a hot tub! Five feet apart because they’re not gay.

Remus: *leaps at Janus*

Janus: *screams*

~

Emile: Aroace.

Remy: AA.

Emile: Agen aroace.

Remy: AAA!

Emile: There are no more As.

Remy: Come on! We need to finish the vine!

Virgil: There’s a reason Triple A Batteries are a thing in the a-spec community and not Quadruple A Batteries.

~

Patton: *singing* A potato flew around my-

Logan: Patton, no. Roman, I need to borrow your sword. That is a safety hazard.

Virgil: A potato tied to the fan is a safety hazard but having a sword isn’t?

~

Patton: *driving*

Roman: *singing in the back* Baby it’s you! You’re the one I love…

Remus: *falling out the window* YOU’RE THE ONE I NEEEEEEED!!!

~

Remy: Hey, I’m lesbian.

Logan: While that isn’t impossible, I find it highly unlikely that you’re both transgender and miraculously no longer attracted to men.

Remy: You were supposed to say that you thought I was American.

Logan: Lesbian is not a nationality. Do you mean Lebanese? Because that is impossible.

Remy: You’re no fun.

~

Virgil: *standing on table* I DON’T GET NO SLEEP CUZ OF Y’ALL! YOU AIN’T GONNA SLEEP CUZ OF ME!

Janus, Remus, Roman, Toby, Remy, & Nate: *dancing around table*

Logan: *walks in* It’s 10 pm. The only people trying to sleep are the quiet ones. Please stop this.

~

Roman: Today my brother pushed me so I’m starting a kickstarter to put him down. Please donate. Benefits of killing him would be-

Janus: *pulls out Nerf gun* No need to continue. 

~

Roman & Remus: *fighting in the kitchen*

Virgil: Can I get a waffle?

Roman & Remus: *continue fighting*

Virgil: Can I please get a waffle?

Roman & Remus: *continue fighting*

Virgil: Guys, Patton left me waffles on the counter. Let me through or they’ll get cold.


	44. Set XLIV: Vines Part 3

Logan: *driving*

Patton: *passenger seat* Road work ahead? Yeah, I sure hope it does.

Logan: *pulls over* Patton, this is the sixth time you’ve said that this morning. Promise me you’ll stop or I will leave you here.

~

Remus: *walks into commons* Look at all those chickens.

Sides: *look up*

Logan: I don’t know if he’s calling us cowards or if he’s under the influence of some kind of hallucinatory substance and is actually seeing chickens.

Virgil: Honestly, probably both. I wouldn’t be surprised either way.

~

Janus: *in the kitchen* Remus, can you read the instructions for me?

Remus: No, I cannot. What up, my name is Remus. I’m 19 and I never learned how to fucking read.

Janus: You’re over 30, Remus.

Remus: What up, my name is Remus. I’m over 30 and I never learned how to fucking count.

~

Roman: Hello, I’m Roman and I’m your freestyle dance teacher.

Remy: Gurl, you call that shit you do dancing? You’re not anywhere close to my level. Let me show you how it’s done.

Virgil: Oh shit! Dance off! Janus, get the popcorn.

~

Remus & Roman: *pillow fighting*

Virgil: Guys, watch the light.

Remus & Roman: *eye contact*

Virgil: No… Janus! Help! They’re going to-

Remus: *smashes the light*

Janus: *walks in* You had one job, Virgil!

~

Toby: Don’t tell your mother…

Nate: Kiss one another…

Toby: Die for each other!

Nate: *high fives* Hell yeah.

Virgil: *watches longingly* All I’ve ever wanted in life is a high five…

~

Janus: Duke, do you want the ball?

Remus: *yeets self out window*

Janus: *sits down* I did not expect that to work.

~

Virgil: Who’s that Pokemon?

Patton: It’s Pikachu!

Virgil: *runs backstage* Janus, turn into Pikachu.

Janus: I can’t do that! I can only do Arbok! And Ekans. And Seviper. Maybe Serperior.

Virgil: Janus. Turn. Into. Pikachu. Patton’s too cute to let down. Just do it.

~

Patton: *in another room* Chris! Is that a weed?

Nate: No, this is a crayon.

Virgil: I don’t think he was talking to you.

Nate: My last name is Christopher. I didn’t think he was talking to me but that was a serious accusation so I didn’t want to-

Virgil: You have a last name?!

Nate: Yeah? A lot of us do. Emile, Seth…

Virgil: Who the fuck is Seth?

Nate: *panics and sinks out* 

~

Roman: *screaming* Get your cat bitch!

Virgil: It don’t bite.

Skitter Steve: *mauling Roman*

Roman: *flailing* Yes it do!

~

Patton: Want some apple juice?

Remy: This bitch empty! Yeet!

Patton: *gasp* Watch your language mister!

Roman: *laughing* I like how he calls you out for swearing but not nailing Virgil in the face with an apple juice carton.

~

Roman: Should I do it?

Toby: Yeah.

Roman: *puts flower on cat’s head*

Skitter: The prophecy is true.

Toby & Roman: *start screaming*

Remus: *grinning under the floorboards with a tape recorder*

~

Remus: I smell like beef.

Logan: That is concerning. 

Janus: Maybe but still a big improvement from what he normally smells like.

~

Virgil: *pours lemons out of cereal box* What?

Patton: Well, when life gives you lemons-

Virgil: Patton, I love you but where the fuck is my cereal?

~

Remy: I am the sand guardian! Guardian of the sand!

Logan: Why sand?

Remy: Because I’m the Sandman, bitch.

Logan: *realization*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 1 am and I'm here editing this, listening to my doggo crying because it's his first night here and I can't do anything because you can't engage new puppies when they're being loud or whining. I feel so bad :(


	45. Set XLV

Thomas: I remember this one time as a kid I spent an entire day entertained by a flashlight and a piece of seran wrap. What happened to that?

Virgil: Growing up.

Patton: TV.

Roman: A world of adventures!

Logan: I was in charge that day. These three slept a lot more when you were younger.

Thomas: Ah. That makes sense.

~

Remus: *flicks lights off with tongue*

Janus:

Remus: *flicks lights on with tongue*

Janus: Remus, I know you’re trying to be hot but keep in mind that I can’t see you when the lights are off. It just looks like you’re making out with a light switch.

~

Roman: What’s your type?

Logan: The closest thing I will ever feel to love is a sneeze.

~

Toby: Shots shots shots!

Nate: Shots shots shots!

Remy: Shots shots shots!

Logan: Please stop. You three have the flu. This is flu medicine.

~

Janus: What are you-

Roman: *drops phone* This isn’t what it looks like!

Janus: It looks like you’re photoshopping a cat dragon into a soup bowl.

Roman: … Okay, this is exactly what this looks like.

~

Remy & Virgil: *eye contact*

Virgil: Why are you up at midnight?

Remy: Bitch, why am I up at midnight? Why are you up at midnight?

Virgil: Oh. Right. I forgot I’m a hypocrite. 

~

Sides: *watching movies*

Patton: *enjoying the movie*

Virgil: *anxious about the plot*

Janus: *trying to predict what’s going to happen to the main character*

Logan: I am confused about all these unnecessary romantic and sexual undertones.

Roman: Shut up, Lo. I’m shipping them so hard.

Remus: I just want them to fuck.

~

Virgil: Who calls the reverse shotgun seat the “driver’s seat?”

Logan: That’s what it’s called. The driver’s seat.

Virgil: *blinks in confusion* How can I be friends with someone who’s so wrong?

~

Patton: *excited screaming* He’s so cute!

Roman: Who put the cat in a bow tie? 

Toby: Guys, Harley’s dead.

Roman: That explains it.

~

Virgil: I just realized creepy pasta comes from the phrase copy paste.

Logan: Was it really necessary to come into my room at 2 am to tell me this?

~

Logan: I am so tired of being around all these neanderthals. I need to be around my fellow intellectuals. What are you two doing?

Janus: Emile is teaching me banana grammar.

Logan: *visible disappointment* 

Emile: *holds up banana* See, each part of a banana represents a different letter of banana so if you cut it up and put it back together, you can get a baba or a nab or an abba or just an aaa… The possibilities are endless.

Logan: … I am intrigued. 

~

Virgil: *singing in narrator voice* When your legs don’t work like they used to before…

Remus: Janus, give me a piggyback.

Janus: No.

Roman: Janus, his bones are sticking out of his legs. We need to bring him inside.

Janus: Then you do it!

Roman: And get blood on my pristine white outfit?

Janus: You’re twins! His blood is your blood!

Roman: Doesn’t mean I want it on my clothes!

~

Logan: Roman: what are you doing?

Roman: Loving myself.

Logan: By holding onto your butt?

Roman: Well I don’t have a boyfriend to do it for me!

Logan: That doesn’t sound like typical boyfriend behavior.

Roman: I wouldn’t know. I am very single and always have been.

~

Virgil: Guys, someone Rick-Rolled Rick Astley.

Remy: OMG, who?

Virgil: I don’t know, a redditor.

Roman: *scoffs* Of course it would be a redditor.

Virgil: *aims cat at Roman like a gun* Got a problem with redditors?

Roman: *swallows nervously* No…

Virgil: *puts cat down* That’s what I thought.

~

Remus: *walks into wall*

Logan: What’s he doing?

Virgil: I’m not sure but this is the fifth time he’s done this today and it’s hilarious. 


	46. Set VXLI

Janus: *in bath* Remus, fuck off.

Remus: *holds up straw* I want to drink the bath water.

Janus: *whips out Nerf gun* Remus, fuck off.

Remus: *blinks* Okay, now I’m curious. Where’d that thing come from? Come on, let me in. Now I need to know.

~

Patton: First in friendship, fourth in obesity.

Janus: I can’t tell if he’s talking about Pawnee or being mean to himself.

Roman: If you’re being mean to yourself, I’ll physically fight you.

~

Janus: Are those helium balloons?

Remus & Roman: *grinning*

Virgil: No...

Remus & Roman: *begin sucking in helium*

Virgil & Janus: No!

Remus: Fuck off! Our voices are going to be awesome!

~

Patton: *singing* Spidercat, Spidercat, does whatever a Spidercat can…

Toby & Roman: *confused screaming*

Remy: Calm the fuck down, gurls. He’s just doing parkour.

Toby: That’s not parkour! He’s defying the laws of physics!

Skitter Steve: *standing upside down on the ceiling* Meow.

Roman: I’m out. I can’t live the rest of my life like this.

~

Roman: *screaming into toilet paper roll* Doo-doooo.

Thomas: *confused*

Remus: *screaming into paper towel roll* DOO-DOOOO!

Thomas: Have I done something to upset you or are you two just being brothers?

Remus & Roman: Brothers.

~

Janus: I need to borrow your sword.

Roman: Why?

Janus: Remus did something stupid.

Roman: You’re not allowed to stab him. I’m the only one allowed to stab him.

Janus: No, he- Ugh, he got his head stuck in a clothing hanger and I need to cut him out.

Roman: 

Janus: Don’t ask me how. Just give me your sword.

Roman: *gives sword*

Janus: Thank you.

~

Virgil: My back keeps making weird noises. Someone help.

Logan: Maybe start by fixing your terrible posture.

Virgil: I meant like someone help me get the knots out.

Logan: Oh. Yeah, I can do that.

~

Patton: I made cookies!

Virgil: *eats cookie*

*lights go out*

Logan: Virgil, you hit the light switch. Turn it back on.

Virgil: *flips lights back on* Oh thank god. I was so scared that the cookie was so good it stole my eyesight for life.

Logan: That’s… not possible.

Virgil: Well, in the moment that made a lot more sense than me stepping back in cookie bliss and accidentally turning off the lights. I was panicking, okay?

~

Janus: What are you eating?

Remus: Creepy pasta.

Janus: Isn’t that an internet thing?

Remus: Yeah. Virgil and I were talking about it the other day. Patton overheard and misunderstood so he made me spaghetti with edible eyes in it.

Janus: That’s so sweet… But you should probably tell him what it actually is so he doesn’t google recipes and end up scarred for life.

Remus: Virgil’s handling it.

~

Remus: What if we combined Skitter Steve, Harold, Frog Patton, and Dee’s snake into one ultimate mega animal?

Thomas: No. Don’t you dare. We already have a Manticore Chimera, we don’t need another one.

~

Roman: Everyone! I have an important announcement.

Sides: ???

Roman: Since Spongebob is possibly no longer asexual, Mr. Clean is our only ace representation. He is, and I quote,  “neither gay, straight nor bi, he is asexual because sex of any kind is just too dirty for him. His first love has always been cleaning. He can't even bear to be seen in anything but clean, perfectly white clothes.”

Logan: Makes sense.

Virgil: That’s really interesting.

Janus: Good for him.

Patton: Glad the ace community is being represented. 

Remus: Does that mean all the hot dreams I had about him were nonconsensual? Because now I feel really bad.

~

Remus: B͜͝u̕͠t҉͘ts ͜͝b̢u̵͝t͏͞t̴̕͝s͡͞͞ ҉b͏̕͡u̧͝t̨͝t̷s̸͘.̧ Ch͠e͡͠e̴̵s̴͘͟e͡.͘

Nate: I had a stroke trying to understand that and I’m supposed to be the tough one here.

~

Virgil: *walks into commons* Guys, I think my closet is broken.

Roman: As it should be! You’re too beautiful to go back in the closet!

Virgil: No, I mean like… The two parts of the door are stuck together and I can just kinda wiggle them back and forth. I don’t know what to do.

Roman: Paint a pride flag on it.

Virgil: Roman, I’m being serious.

Roman: I am too. Want to borrow some paint?

~

Patton: Remember those paper plates with the animals on them?

Emile: Yes! Remember Webkinz?

Patton: Yes! And Silly Bandz?

Emile: Yes! And-

Remy: Gurls, you’re not 2000s kids. You’re not allowed to be nostalgic over 2000s kids stuff.

Virgil: Yeah, it’s not cool when you do it. It just makes you look like overgrown children.

~

Janus: *doing laundry*

Roman: *walks by* Oh my god. That smells terrible. Did you wet the bed?

Janus: No, your brother did. 

Remus: *sitting on dryer* I didn’t want to get up! I was so comfy and I really had to pee.

Janus: You were sleeping in my bed! These are my sheets!

Remus: And?


	47. Set XLVII: Removed III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have a lot less removed chapters than I thought. It’s been awhile since I’ve posted quotes I removed from chapters so some of these are really old. Even had to change Janus’s name for some of them. This is probably the best batch of removed quotes. None of these are terrible, I just didn’t think they fit with the previous chapters so they ended up here. Enjoy!

Patton: Sometimes I look out the window and I see a cat but then I realize it’s just my own reflection and I look nothing like a cat..

Logan: Do you need new glasses?

~

Remus: Weirdest thing you’ve ever made Thomas do. Go!

Roman: Um… You guys remember all those doodles in the margins of his notebooks?

Logan: I once had him rename all the parts of a cell as characters from various TV shows and comic books he enjoyed while in high school. He does not know their actual names anymore.

Virgil: Once, his mom told him Aunt Patty was coming over and Thomas was planning on hiding from her in his room. He woke up early to go to the bathroom so he could hold out in his room for the rest of the day but Aunt Patty arrived while he was in the bathroom so I had him stay in there for three and a half hours. He didn’t have a phone or a book or anything either. He just stared at the wall the whole time.

Janus: … I remember that. I couldn’t think of a convincing lie for Thomas to use when his mom dragged him out. 

Virgil: He made the weirdest noise and just ran back to his room.

Remus: You guys know I’ve done some wild shit in the past but not even I can top that.

~

Virgil: What Ninja Turtle are you?

Logan: Donatello.

Patton: Michelangelo!

Roman: Wait, but that leaves me and Virgil with Leo and Raph. 

Virgil: That ain’t right.

Janus: I call Leonardo.

Remus: I’m Raphael!

Roman: What does that leave me?

Logan: Virgil is Casey Jones and Roman is April O’Neil.

Roman: *offended Princey noises*

~

Remus: *burps*

Thomas: Who was that?

Roman: *offended Princey noises* Have you ever heard  _ me _ make a noise like  _ that _ ?

Remus: You do be farting tho.

Roman: Hey, I’ve got a great ass and I’ve got to have the farts to match it. Can your farts compare to mine?

Remus: Yes but not often. I burp and I burp hard.

Roman: I think it was a fair split. You got all the good burps and I got all the crazy farts.

Thomas: *sighs* I’m glad you two inherited so many of my finer qualities. 

~

Roman: *singing* Can’t get enough, yeah. It’s not enough, it’s not enough. I just wanna kiss every boy in the world.

Virgil: Every boy?

Roman: All men deserve it.

Virgil: But there are, like, crooked politicians and criminals… And married people. And married people who cheat.

Roman: Those are men, not boys. No one could call a cheating husband or an old politician a boy. 

Virgil: So… What’s the age range for boy? Like does that include-

Roman: You’re making me think about things I don’t want to. Stop. It’s just a song.

~

Thomas: Logan, come watch this.

Logan: Thomas, this is a children’s show.

Thomas: I don’t care. Come watch this. You’re the bird.

*later*

Roman: Hey Log- Are you watching the Lion Guard?

Logan: Shut up. I’m the bird.

~

Virgil: Spirit animal?

Janus: Snake.

Virgil: You can’t pick a snake.

Janus: Drongo. 

Virgil: Should I be concerned you had a second answer at the ready?

~

Janus: Remind me what you need these costumes before again?

Roman: I’m Wonder Boy!

Remus: And I’m Nasty Man!

Logan: I’m Telekinesis Kyle?

Janus: I think you severely misunderstood the lyrics to that song.

~

Thomas: How do I respond to someone asking me why I don’t have kids?

Roman: Just tell them you’re gay.

Thomas: They usually know and don’t care.

Logan: Just tell them you don’t want kids.

Thomas: Apparently that’s not good enough.

Deceit: Say “my bloodline dies with me.”

Thomas: I have siblings so that won’t happen.

Remus: You could kill them.

Thomas: No!

Virgil: Tell them you just had your third miscarriage. That’ll shut ‘em up and tell them to mind their own business.

Thomas: Back to the part about me being gay….

Virgil: Oh right. Nevermind. Just tell them to fuck off.

~

Emile: How are you feeling today?

Virgil: Like a tranquilized bear falling out of a tree.

Remus: Like I just ate a bunch of ravioli filled with glass. 

Deceit: I threw up on Patton this morning.

Emile: Food poisoning?

Deceit: No, after watching Remus eat a bunch of glass ravioli to try to cheer up Vigil. He was taking a nap in a tree and fell out.

Emile: …I’m going to call in Logan and we’re going to go over some safety tips, okay?

~

Remus: Sometimes I randomly get the “Tiger Tiger” song stuck in my head.

Virgil: What?

Remus: *singing* Tiger, tiger, yeah, I wanna dance... Let’s get the party started with a scratch from your hands...

Virgil: I don’t-

Roman: *belting* Tiger, tiger! Yeah! You’re number one! Drop my favorite beat because I want to have fun!

Remus & Roman: *together* Real fun!

Virgil: What is happening?

Roman: Nostalgia! *runs off with Remus to annoy Logan*

Janus: It’s from Webkinz, Virgil.

Virgil: Oh… They’re not going to go sing all the songs now, are they? ‘Cuz there are like thirty of them.

~

Roman: What’s your favorite color?

Virgil: Toast.

Roman: Other than that.

Virgil: Butter.

Roman: Other than that.

Virgil: Crofters.

Roman: Foods aren’t colors, Virgil. What’s your favorite non-food color?

Virgil: … Toaster.

Roman: Virgil, I can’t tell if you’re being serious or messing with me.

Virgil: *crosses arms* I’m offended that you don’t know my favorite color.

Roman: *blinks slowly* Black…?

Virgil: No.

Roman: Didn’t think so.

~

Remus: If gays are the hand thing…

Roman: Right…

Remus: And bis are the finger guns…

Roman: Yes…

Remus: Does that mean aroaces are nothing or they just get to flip everyone off?

Roman: Why would they get to flip everyone off?

Remus: Because they wear rings on their middle fingers.

Roman: *stares into the distance questioning everything*

~

Virgil: I’d just like to say there’s a gender identity called genderfuck and a romantic orientation called wtfromantic and I desperately want to meet a person who identifies with both of these labels.

Remy: Same, gurl, same. I want to travel the world with them.

~

Thomas: One word story. Go.

Logan: The

Roman: gay

Remy: goats

Virgil: screamed

Emile: at

Janus: the

Nate: beautiful

Remus: cocks

Toby: Remus, not in front of Patton.

Patton: *visible confusion*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, some of these I wrote awhile ago. I have since rewatched Sanders Sides and learned that Virgil is Rapheal and Roman is Leonardo.  
> There are a few references to Roman’s Playlist in this one. I was really excited after listening to it the first time and I wrote some incorrect quotes that I ended up not liking.


	48. Set XLVIII: Learning Cool New Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was looking at r/todayyearsold a couple weeks ago and I got a lot of quote ideas from all the shocking things I was learning so throwing them all in here. I ran out of cool things from the subreddit though so some are just cool things I already knew.

Patton: *singing* It’s raining, it’s pouring, the old man is snoring. Went to bed and bumped his head and couldn’t wake up in the morning...

Thomas: *gushing over cuteness*

Logan: That was actually an old warning not to go to sleep with a concussion because you could fall into a coma and die.

Thomas & Patton: *turn to stare at Logan*

Remy: Oh, honey, you did not…

Virgil: *whisper screaming at Logan* Run. Run!

~

Roman: *screaming*

Logan: *in other room* Are you okay?

Roman: *screaming intensifies* 

Logan: Virgil, is he okay? Virgil?

Virgil:

Logan: *gets up to check on them*

Virgil: *prone on the kitchen floor, whispering* The club in club sandwich stands for chicken lettuce under bacon...

Logan: *computer error noises*

~

Roman: How come Mickey has Pluto as a pet when he’s friends with Goofy? Like isn’t Goofy offended by his fellow pup’s imprisonment?

Logan: Goofy is actually an Aberdeen Angus, a Scottish beef cow.

Roman: What?!

Virgil: Somehow I knew Goofy was Scottish but now a cow…

Logan: The plural form of beef is beeves.

Roman & Virgil: WHAT?!

~

Toby: *sobbing*

Remy: *concerned* What’s wrong, gurl?

Toby: If you stack candy corn on top of each other in a ring, it looks like real corn. That’s why it’s called  _ candy _ corn. It’s just normal corn kernels made of candy.

Remy: Oh shit… But why are you crying?

Toby: I hate corn! Corn is Seth’s thing, not mine. I’m October! Candy corn was supposed to be my thing!

Remy: Oof. I don’t know what to tell ya, gurl…

~

Roman: Which Winnie the Pooh characters are we?

Patton: Well, Virgil’s definitely Piglet.

Emile: Because he represents anxiety?

Patton: What? No. Because he’s so precious. Does he represent anxiety?

Emile: *nods*

Patton: Sorry, Virgil.

Virgil: Nah, it’s fine...

~

Remus: *leaps out from behind couch dressed in full Lorax costume* I am the Lorax and I speak for the trees.

Patton: *giggles* And the Lorax says to lower your ax.

Remus: *freezes* Lorax… lower ax… Lorax… lower your ax…

Janus: I think you broke him.

~

Remus: bed. bed. bed

Nate: Can you keep it down?

Janus: He just learned that the word bed is shaped like a bed so he’s trying to make one with his voice.

Nate: … What?

Janus: Don’t question it. You know he-

Nate: Did they do that on purpose? Like didn’t the word bed exist before the alphabet? I have so many questions.

~

Patton: Open sesame!

Logan: It’s actually open says me, not open sesame.

Virgil: I’m going to stab you with a spoon. Or better yet, a bagel. 

~

Remus: *eating*

Roman: Is that a loofah? Get that out of your mouth!

Janus: Actually, loofah are just dried gourds. This is an unprocessed one so it’s perfectly safe.

Remus: *spits out loofah* Wow. Way to ruin my 14th favorite food for me.

~

Janus: What’s your favorite country?

Remus: Norway and Sweden.

Janus: You can only pick one.

Remus: I can’t.

Janus: Why not?

Remus: Because they only look like a dick when they’re together.

Janus … *slowly opens Google Maps* Oh. You’re right.

~

Roman: *driving*

Remus: *sticks head out window, blows into viking horn* Move it buddy!

Virgil: *in other car* It’s a red light.

Roman: *slams car horn* Does it look like we care?

Virgil: THAT’S WHY IT’S CALLED A HORN?!

~

Remus: Have you ever seen an owl run?

Roman: No? Aren’t their feet tiny?

Remus: *shakes head* I want an owl now. A big one. Two. So I can race them.

Roman: You already have an octopus but I don’t see why you can’t-

Janus: *from another room* Roman! You better not let him have a fucking owl!

Remus: Ugh! Dee! You’re no fun!

~

Remus & Roman: *fighting*

Patton: Woah! Hold your horses, you two!

Remus: You know I’m not a stable person!

Virgil: Stable person? Holding horses… OH!

~

Emile: Want to see something cool?

Virgil: Yeah. 

Emile: Put your hand on the table. Now tuck in your middle finger. And try to move your ring finger.

Virgil: *wide eyes* Woah.

Emile: I know, right?

~

Janus: Write first, second, and third.

Roman: Um, okay?

Janus: Now write 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.

Roman: Okay….

Janus: Now look at the last two letters of each word.

Roman: *falls out of chair*

Janus: *smirks*


	49. Set XLIX: Not Sleeping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of themed chapters are just me writing normal chapters then realizing I write about the same thing a lot and just moving all the similar quotes into one separate chapter. This is one of those.

Remy: Sattigaruis be like “sleep is for the weak,” Geminis be like “sleep is for the week,” and Scorpios be like “go to sleep.” Am I right or am I right?

Patton: That doesn’t sound right.

Virgil: I’m a Sattigaruis.

Roman: I’m a Gemini.

Logan: I’m a Scorpio.

Remy: See?

Patton: Nevermind, it makes sense.

~

Virgil: During the day, I’m tired.

Roman: Okay.

Virgil: During the night, I’m also tired but it’s night.

Roman: Don’t you sleep?

Virgil: No.

Roman: … Fair.

~

Janus: I heard you moving around pretty late last night. What were you up to?

Virgil: I found a slinky behind my dresser.

Janus: You were playing with a slinky all night?

Virgil: No, it was really bothering me that it was back there so I tried to get it out and I got my arm stuck for two hours. What you heard was me flailing and hitting my head against the wall.

~

Roman & Remus: *lying on the floor*

Remus: *starts to get up* It’s nearly midnight.

Roman: I think I’m incapable of love.

Remus: *lies back down* Me too, bro. Me too.

~

Patton: Any of you kiddos have any good dreams last night?

Roman: I had the most amazing dream last night! So I was a prince, obviously, and there was this rival kingdom that also had a prince. And I must say he was the most dashing fellow and after many battles and trials of our love-

Logan: I had a dream last night that I was Squidward.

Virgil: What are dreams?

~

Virgil: Waking up in the morning is an insult to mornings. Falling asleep in the morning is also an insult to mornings. I respect mornings greatly. I never sleep.

Patton: *concerned Dad noises*

~

Janus: You okay? I heard you screaming this morning.

Roman: Someone took a shit in my bed and I don’t know if it was an aggressive one or not.

Janus: What?

Roman: If it was Remus, it was probably a peace offering. If it was Virgil’s cat, it was probably an act of war.

Janus: … I ask again. What?

~

Toby: Everytime I wake up, I just want to go back to sleep.

Nate: Same bro, same.

Virgil: Who the fuck wakes up? You’re an adult. Sleep is for children.

~

Remy: Drink coffee.

Thomas: What? No. It’s 6 pm. I won’t be able to sleep.

Remy: *drops disguise, revealed to actually be Janus* See, Virgil? I told you it wasn’t going to work.

~

Roman: A prince needs his beauty sleep.

Virgil: You slept for 14 hours and you still look almost as trashy as Remus.

Roman: I never said I got any beauty sleep. Just that I needed it.

Virgil: *smirks* High five, you sleepless mutt.

~

Logan: *lying on the couch*

Remus: *pokes face* Is he alive?

Janus: Yes, he’s just getting a software update. Computers and robots go to sleep when they-

Logan: *opens eyes* Who says I was asleep? 

Janus: *shrieks in surprise*

Remus: Robots don’t sleep, dumbass.

~

Virgil: I’m not even an active participant in my own life. I just lie on the floor and Roman picks me up and makes me do stuff sometimes.

Janus: Same except for me instead of Roman picking me up, it’s Remus getting into trouble and me needing to stop him.

Virgil: No naps for the introverts with friends.

Janus: *casually sips juice box* Cheers to that.

~

Thomas: Can I have a nap? Remy? Remy, where are you?

Emile: He told me to tell you he’s out right now.

Thomas: Out? Do you know when he’ll be back?

Emile: *shakes head* I think he’s water skiing with Remus.

Thomas: *blinks* I… I don’t have words… Ugh, I can’t believe I’m missing out on sleep because my Sleep is water skiing with half of my Creativity.

Emile: Roman’s manning the boat. He loves being out at sea.

Thomas: *sighs* Of course he does.

~

Virgil: Sleep is just a mini coma. Like death without the commitment. And you do it every night. It’s like you’re dating the afterlife but instead of having a loving, long lasting relationship, you just hook up when you need the sweet release of temporary death.

Thomas: … Well there goes my plans of sleeping tonight.

~

Virgil: Janus, help me. I’m making the rules for competitive napping.

Janus: I’m probably not the best person to ask for help. I’m not competitive and I don’t nap.

Virgil: Me neither. But do you sleep regularly?

Janus: I guess.

Virgil: Then that’s close enough. Now help me write out the points system.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of my friends hate sleeping and have jokes about how often I tell them to sleep. Surprised I had so many Incorrect Quotes about denying sleep. I’m sure they’d be proud of me.


	50. Set L: Remus Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter I was writing had a lot of good Remus moments so I decided to just throw them all here instead. This one’s for you Remus fans!
> 
> Also this is Chapter 50! Each chapter has 15 quotes which means that this chapter meets 750 Quotes!

Remus: *hitting Virgil and Janus with a mace*

Logan: What are you doing?!

Virgil: We’re trying to figure out who bruises more.

Logan: Oh. Okay. Carry on.

~

Logan: What are you doing?

Patton: *looks up* I can fit six quarters in my belly button.

Virgil: *sitting on the floor* I’m helping him get them in there.

Logan: Interesting but I was asking Toby and Janus.

Janus: Just restraining Remus.

Toby: He wants to belly shot the quarters out.

Logan: Ah.

~

Thomas: I need a video idea.

Remus: We could-

Sides: No!

Remus: Hear me out!

Sides: No!

~

Remus: If we’re all the same person, doesn’t that mean we share a-

Janus: I know you’re referencing the gay Stormtrooper meme. I’m just going to stop you right there and remind you that we’re all already gay so us hypothetically doing stuff with each other changes nothing.

Remus: Oh, that’s not what I was going to ask. I was going to ask about our social security numbers but I like your question much more.

~

Thomas: Why can’t I do a livestream on the toilet? Everyone uses it. That’d be so relatable.

Virgil: Thomas… Think that through for a sec.

Thomas: … Can someone go check on Roman? I think a bit too much Remus just came through.

Virgil: *sinks out* On it.

~

Remus: What if we made meatballs but just like… dumped sugar in them?

Patton: Yes.

Janus: No. Both of you stop. Who let Remus back in the kitchen? Remus, get out of there. You’re not allowed past the safety tape, remember?

Remus:

Janus: Remus…

Remus: *leaps into dishwasher*

Janus: Remus! No! Get out of there!

Patton: *dumps sugar into ground beef*

Janus: Logan! Virgil! Roman! Help!

~

Roman & Remus: *lying on the floor*

Roman: You remember all those times as kids when we’d just lie on the floor and talk about our hopes and dreams?

Remus: Nah but I think my butt’s asleep.

~

Remus: *standing on Janus*

Roman: What are you doing?

Remus: Being 60% Jesus.

Janus: Logan told him the human body is 60% water and Remus wouldn’t stop bothering me until I got down on the floor and let him stand on my back.

Roman: … Um, okay?

~

Remus: *tackle hugs* Janus!

Janus: *slips out of Remus’s hug*

Virgil: Did you… grease yourself to escape Remus?

Janus: Drastic threats call for drastic measures.

~

Roman: Spirit animal?

Remus: That guy who lives in a trash can from Sesame Street.

Roman: Fair.

~

Roman: Your laugh is disgusting.

Remus: I know.

Patton: *grabs Roman by the shirt* Never, and I mean  _ never _ , make someone feel bad about their laugh. All laughs are beautiful and no one should ever be shamed into hiding their joy.

Roman: *gulps* Did I say disgusting? I meant delightful.

Remus: Ew! Delightful? Nasty. Call me disgusting again!

~

Roman: How do you manage Remus so well?

Janus: It’s a lot like taking care of a puppy. You feed him, you exercise him, you snuggle him-

Roman: Aw…

Janus: You keep him from licking shit off his own butt-

Roman: Less aww…

~

Janus: Remus, it’s been 2 days. Come out.

Remus: I’m gay.

Janus: I know that. I meant get out of the dishwasher. There are too many plates stacked up in the sink to wash them by hand anymore.

Remus: Just slide them in and I’ll lick them clean.

~

Remus: I’m going to hell in every religion.

Patton: What? No… You’re still young! You still have time to redeem yourself!

Remus: *confused* Why would I want to redeem myself?

~

Remus: *runs in swipes Nate’s sunglasses*

Nate: Bring those back here you little shit!

Remus: *scurries away*

Nate: No one steals from the Slow Motion Crime Fighter!

Remus: *turns around* ?

Nate: *slow walks after him*

Remus: *runs away*

Nate: Well, shit. Guess he’s gone.

Remus: *trips and drops sunglasses*

Nate: *blinks* Was not expecting that.


	51. Set LI

Thomas: I need dating advice.

Logan: If the target isn’t charmed by random animal facts, try dino facts instead.

Thomas: … What?

Logan: And if he’s not charmed by dino facts, he’s not the one.

Thomas: … Logan?

Logan: Oh sorry. I thought you were Remus.

Thomas: Remus goes to you for dating advice?

~

Roman: There was this one time when we were kids where Remus zipped me up in a sleeping bag and pushed me down the stairs.

Remy: Oh, Nate and I used to do that all the time but with laundry baskets.

Toby: Seth and I used to do that too but with slabs of cardboard and we did it off the roof.

Logan: Is no one going to note how much of a safety hazard that is?

Virgil: Of course not. That’s not important. Who is Seth, why was he pushing Toby off the roof?

~

Patton: How are you so cool?

Remy: You know what they say, you are what you eat.

Patton: … What?

Remy: *holds up coffee* Iced coffee, gurl. Emphasis on the iced.

~

Virgil: Sometimes I think I’m food motivated but then food is offered and I’m not motivated.

Janus: Did I ask?

~

Logan: *sitting on the roof*

Roman: Don’t jump!

Logan: I can’t. That would disturb the ecosystem around the house.

Roman: *concerned Princey noises* That’s somehow very convincing but I’m still worried.

~

Virgil: *eating cereal*

Brian: Spoons are just bowls on sticks that you use to eat from bigger bowls.

Virgil: *holds up utensil* This is a spork.

Brian: … Why the fuck are you eating cereal with a spork? Wait, did Remus tell you the same-

Virgil: No, he told me why sporks are better weapons than spoons. He was very convincing in his argument.

Brian: *backs away slowly*

~

Remy: Anyone dating anyone?

Roman: I am currently on a solo quest but if I find a Prince Charming in the process-

Virgil: I found an unopened packet of ramen under my bed last week and I think I’m in love.

Remy: Forget I asked.

~

Virgil: I have a confession to make.

Logan: Yes?

Virgil: I think… I think I’m 1/8th goat.

Logan:

Virgil: … And 3/4ths toast.

Logan: *sighs* Well that’s concerning.

~

Roman: Never lie to Indian girls.

Janus: ?

Roman: Or French girls. Or African girls. Or Australian girls.

Janus: ??

Roman: Or German girls, Chinese girls, Japanese girls, Norewegian girls…

Janus: ???

Roman: Never lie to any girls. All women are queens and lying to them can get you beheaded.

Janus: I knew you were going somewhere with that.

~

Roman: If anyone finds a watermelon, please give it back. I lost mine.

Virgil: How do you lose a watermelon?

~

Roman: It’s a beautiful day! Remy, come on. Let’s go for a run.

Remy: *visible disgust* What are you trying to prove?

Roman: What?

Remy: Who the hell runs without an ulterior motive?

Roman: … We could walk?

Remy: With you? Hell no. You’re too ugly to be seen outdoors.

Roman: *offended Princey noises*

~

Roman: Just follow your heart.

Thomas: *follows Patton into the kitchen*

Roman: Not what I meant but isn’t Harley technically your heart, not Patton?

Virgil: Harley’s dead.

Roman: Oh. Right. Um... Thomas, keep following Patton! You’re doing great!

~

Patton: Everyone has a mischievous side.

Virgil: Well, then Logan is a circle.

Logan: *confused* No, I’m the logical Side…? I’m fairly human shaped.

~

Logan: *messing with thermometer* 

Patton: Is he okay? He keeps turning that thing down. He never used to do that. Normally he used to just use his influence on Thomas’s mind to make the Mindscape cooler...

Roman: He used to be a fan. Then he became an air conditioner.

Virgil: Upgrades people, upgrades.

~

Virgil: You know how dogs get excited when they fear food words? I’m like that. Say food words and I’ll come running.

Roman: Pizza! Bacon! Chicken! Salad! Soup!

Virgil: You’re not even in the kitchen, dumbass. At least make it kind of convincing.

Roman: … You literally got off the couch and walked over.

Virgil: I know. I really like soup. I didn’t want to risk it being here and missing it, even if it was an obvious lie.


	52. Set LII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have my first appointment with a gender therapist today so I'm kinda stressing but it's all good.

Patton: We never had a funeral for Gilbert.

Thomas: Patton, Gilbert died forever ago.

Patton: And we never had a funeral for him!

Thomas: He was a goat.

Patton: And?

Thomas: You’re right. He deserves a funeral.

Virgil: *narrator voice* Harley’s dead and a funeral was never held for him. This proves goats are more important than people. Spread the word.

~

Roman: What’s the name of the sabertooth from Ice Age?

Logan: Why?

Roman: Reasons.

Logan: … You’re attracted to him, aren’t you?

Roman: … Maybe?

~

Logan: *turns off TV* So how did you like it?

Virgil: There was too much singing.

Roman: *offended Princey noises*

Logan: … Virgil. It was a musical.

~

Roman: I want a pet. Something dangerous.

Logan: Like what? An eel? 

Virgil: A wolf?

Patton: A cow holding a gun?

~

Remus: *screaming* Let me out!

Janus: *barricading door closed* No!

Roman: Breathe it in! Breathe it in!

Patton: *walks down hallway concerned* What’s happening?

Virgil: Remus farted in the commons. It… Oh my god, it’s so bad. Trust me, this is for the best.

~

Logan: Run me by that one more time?

Remy: Okay, so you see that green thing over there? That’s the Green M&M. We stan her. See that other green thing over there? That’s Kermit. He’s our god. And now they’re going to fight to the death.

Logan: … What?

~

Roman: *singing* I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really like you. And I want you, do you want me too?

Virgil: … You want something from me don’t you?

Roman: Your love.

Virgil: *trades over Blastoise named Love* Give him back after this battle.

Roman: Thank you! Remy! You’re about to get rekt!

~

Logan: Virgil, is your window closed?

Virgil: Yeah.

Logan: *walks in* Your window is open. You’re literally looking right at it.

Virgil: *looks up from phone* What?

Logan: *sighs and closes window* I have to do everything around here.

~

Sides: *at the park*

Patton: *dragging Logan to playground*

Logan: *explaining physics of a swing*

Roman: *flirting with a passerby*

Janus: *is the passerby in disguise*

Virgil: *listening to music in a tree*

Remus: *throwing pigeons at people*

~

Roman: You have a massive zit.

Remus: Bitch, I am the zit.

~

Logan: *puts hands on Roman’s shoulders* I must bestow my wisdom upon you.

Roman: ?

Logan: Beanie babies were a simpler time but Webkinz was the best time.

Roman: ???

~

Virgil: *lying on Emile’s couch* Honestly I’m so used to being depressed that being depressed is just inconvenient now. Like, don’t feel like living? Man up, you fucking numbskull.

Patton: *kicks down door* If you talk bad about yourself I will physically fight you!

Emile: Did you have Logan bug my office again?

Patton: … Maybe.

~

Logan: There is something I need to get off my chest.

Janus: *concerned*

Logan: *takes off shirt*

Janus: ???

Logan: *points at chest* Remus has attached himself to me. His claws are very painful and he’s trying to eat my nipples. Please remove him.

Janus: *scrambles to save Logan*

~

Virgil: *standing on table* Mama, fight my teenage dreams. No, it's nothing wrong with me. The kids are all wrong the story's aloof. HEAVY METAL ROCK MY-

Remus: *slides out from under table* noot noot

Virgil: *headbangs* HEART!

~

Roman: See you later alligator!

Patton: In awhile crocodile!

Logan: Ciao for now Jersey cow.

Remus: Go to hell red gazelle.

Virgil: Fuck off you crested duck.

Janus: *flips off and sinks out* Double birds bitch!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted a oneshot today. It's called Snake in the Grass. As I'm sure you can tell, it's about Janus. If you're interested, go check it out.


	53. Set LIII

Patton: *walks out of room* Drac-you-later!

Logan: ?

Patton: *walks back in* Back-ula!

Logan: Did you do that just to make a pun?

Patton: Yeah.

~

Logan: Did you learn anything?

Roman: Literally everyone in this movie is having an affair.

Logan: Roman, this is a documentary about pollution.

Roman: Look at me and tell me that plastic bag wasn’t making eyes at the depleting ozone layer this entire time.

~

Janus: *trying to get Remus & Virgil to go outside* Come on, it’s a nice day.

Remus: But there’s air conditioning inside.

Janus: It’s not even that hot.

Virgil: I’m wearing a hoodie.

Janus: Then take it off. Some sun will do you some good.

Virgil & Remus: *in unison* The sun is a deadly laser!

Janus: *sighs* I’ll give you points for using History of the World’s words against me but that won’t save you.

Virgil & Remus: *run away* No!

~

Roman: Salty or sweet?

Logan: Salt. You can’t melt snow with sugar. Sugar just attracts ants.

Patton: Sweet! You can never have too much sugar in a cookie but you can have too much salt.

Janus: *dumps salt and sugar directly into the stove*

Virgil: *trying to keep Remus out of the kitchen while simultaneously extinguishing a fire*

~

Virgil: Remy, do you- What are you doing?

Remy: This isn’t what it looks like.

Virgil: It looks like you’re doing the electric slide to Savage Love by Jwash 685 and Jason Derlo.

Remy: … Okay. This is exactly what it looks like.

Virgil: Why?

Remy: Gurl, you knew the song title and exactly who it was by. There is tea here and you best back off or I’m going to spill it.

Virgil: Okay, okay. Fine.

~

Virgil: Sorry I woke up so late. What’d I miss?

Janus: A lot.

Remus: We started a cult!

Virgil: 

Janus:

Remus:

Virgil: Without me?

Remus: Sorry.

~

Patton: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Logan: Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Janus: Give a fish a gun and a man is dead.

~

Logan: You have 23 pairs of chromosomes.

Remus: No I don’t.

Logan: Yes you do. We all-

Remus: I have 23 calzones stuffed down each pant leg. 

Logan: *sighs* Of course you do.

Remus: I have room for more.

~

Patton: Roman, the printer’s out of ink again.

Roman: Change it then.

Printer: zzzzzzzzzzzzwzwzwwhhhhhhhiiiizzzzzaaawwzzaaaaadjakjakfg

Patton: *in tears* Don’t talk to me like that, Magenta.

Roman: *slices printer with sword*

Patton: *screaming* You’ve killed him!

Roman: *visible confusion* I’m getting mixed signals.

~

Remus: *hands pringles can* Deepthroat this.

Janus: What? Why?

Remus: I heard snakes swallow their prey whole.

Janus: *flips lid off* Okay, watch. 

Remus: *excited*

Janus: *proceeds to aggressively dump pringles into mouth while maintaining eye contact*

Remus: *visibly impressed*

~

Janus: Virgil, have you seen Remus?

Virgil: *playing with cat* Does it look like I’ve seen anything other than Skitter’s butthole?

Remus: *pops up from behind TV* Did someone say butthole?

~

Roman: So then I- Oh my god.

Janus: What?

Roman: I said that in a really straight voice, didn’t I?

Janus: Roman, you’re so gay it’s impossible for you to be straight. It’s impossible for  _ any  _ of us to be straight.

Roman: Oh yeah. You’re right. How the heck do you even pass as straight?

Janus: Khakis and hydroflasks?

~

Sides: *watching Hamilton*

Virgil: *kicking back to the music*

Patton: *excitedly watching the dancers*

Janus: *looking for historical inaccuracies* 

Logan: *analyzing music genres*

Roman: *belting* Oceans rise, empires fall!

Remus: *googling how duels work*

~

Roman: What are you doing?

Virgil: Organizing my memes. 

Roman: Can you send them to me?

Virgil: Why? 

Roman: Please.

Virgil: … Fine. But no stealing them! I stole these memes fair and square.

~

Janus: So long story short, he was decapitated by his mother.

Remy: Oh my god, gurl. Why?

Janus: I’ve already said too much.

Remy: You barely said anything.

Janus: If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

Remy: Bitch, I’m going to tell you if you don’t tell me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The printer is an actual character that I’ve been putting off introducing. His name is debatable among the fandom. Some people called him Jet or Percy but the most common name is Magenta so we’re going with that.


	54. Set LIV: Quarantine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve tried to avoid quarantine quotes thus far so I’m not putting a date on this fic but I think it’s time we have one of these. A lot of the earlier quotes were based on my interactions with others but I haven’t spoken to anyone other than my family and online friends in months so here we are.

Roman, Virgil, & Janus: *lying on the floor*

Roman: Honestly I think I’ve just gotten more gay during this whole thing.

Virgil: Same.

Janus: What are straight people even doing in quarantine? 

Virgil: Making bread? Drinking wine? Cleaning? Putting on nice clothes to feel better about themselves?

Janus: Virgil. We do all of those things. Regularly. 

Roman: We literally did all of them today.

Virgil: Oh right. My bad.

~

Fire alarm: *blaring*

Patton: Steve’s on fire!

Roman: Who the fuck is Steve?

Patton: The stove!

Roman: You named the stove?!

Logan: *smothering fire with soaked shirt*

Remus: *peeing into fire*

Virgil: *throwing handfuls of water from the sink*

Janus: This is like the sixth time we’ve made bread! How are we so bad at this?!

~

Virgil: What are you writing on Logan’s daily quarantine productivity report?

Janus: If I was an honest person, I’d say I watched the entirety of Tiger King. But, I’m not an honest person so I’m going to say I made bread.

Virgil: Patton made bread today.

Janus: Fuck.

Virgil: We have like five loaves and honestly it’s really good.

Janus: *walks to kitchen* I’m just going to eat two of those right now and tell Logan it took me the whole day.

~

Roman: Quarantine? More like queerantine. I’ve questioned my sexuality like four times already.

Logan: But you’re gay.

Roman: I’m questioning if I’m a Disney gay or a theater gay.

Logan: Oh. Okay, carry on.

~

Remy: I am sick of people! I can’t stand to be around you people anymore!

Patton: I have cookies!

Remy: Cookies won’t help you! I’m kicking you all out of the Mindpalace!

Patton: They’re chewy espresso!

Remy: … Okay, you can stay.

~

Roman: *sneezes*

Sides: *ignore him*

Patton: *coughs*

Sides: *look up*

Patton: *scared* Oh no.

~

Logan: Why is there so much cereal on the floor?

Virgil: *from couch* It’s in quarantine.

Logan: We’re in quarantine.

Virgil: I know. It’s being quarantined from the rest of the food. We’ll put it in the cabinet in a few days.

Logan: *calculating*

Virgil: Don’t question it. It just makes sense.

~

Roman: Does this mask make me look like a lesbian?

Virgil: *not looking up* Literally nothing could make you look like a lesbian.

Roman: It’s flannel. 

Virgil: *sighs* If anything, it makes you look like a lumberjack.

Roman: A gay lumberjack?

Virgil: … Sure. If that’s what you want.

~

Patton: To spice things up this quarantine, we’re having crazy hat day!

Logan: *puts Crofters on head*

Janus: *puts snake on head*

Virgil: *puts cat on head*

Remus: *puts octopus on head*

Roman: You guys are so boring.

~

Janus: We should watch a movie.

Virgil: I don’t want to watch a movie. 

Janus: We haven’t watched a movie in like a month.

Virgil: I know but it’s just not special now that we can do it at any time of the day.

Janus: We need to get our money’s worth of our Disney+ subscription.

Virgil: I’m tired of Disney movies.

Roman: *loudly gasps from other room*

Janus: *looks at Virgil* Run. Run. Run!

~

Emile: *binge watching Avatar the Last Airbender*

Virgil: Isn’t this like the 12th time you’re watching that? Is quarantine really that hard on you?

Emile: *visibly confused* Quarantine?

Virgil: You haven’t- You’ve just been- Oh my god. Wanna hang out?

~

Roman: The Pokemon Sword and Shield Expansion Pass came out.

Virgil: I haven’t even beaten all the gyms yet.

Roman: How? You got the game when it came out!

Virgil: Quarantine’s been messing with my productivity. 

Logan: *from other room* Playing video games isn’t considered productive. 

Virgil: Well it is to me! Honestly at this point I consider watching a whole YouTube video productive.

Roman: Well if that’s the case I’ve been very productive.

~

Patton & Emile: *watching Avatar the Last Airbender*

Virgil & Roman: *eating bread*

Remy & Janus: *doing a puzzle*

Remus: *eating the puzzle pieces*

Logan: *doing laundry* All of you are pigs.

~

Logan: We’re going to take advantage of this pandemic and start working out.

Virgil: *does one push up and flops on the ground* That’s all my exercise for the year. And maybe the next.

Roman: Does dancing count as exercise?

Logan: Yes but-

Roman: Dance party everyone!

~

Roman: Thomas, I don’t know how much longer we can take this. How much longer is this quarantine?

Thomas: I don’t know. At least a few months? It might be forever.

Remy: Forever? Gurl, that’s too long. I’m going out. If I die, I die.

Virgil: Same. I like being at home but not with the rest of you.

Emile: *watching cartoons*

Patton: I just want to go to the dog park.

Logan: We’re going to get a sunlight deficiency or go insane from the lack of social interaction.

Remus: *banging on a pot*

Janus: *screaming into hat*

Thomas: Guys, guys. You know you’re not real, right? Quarantine isn’t any different from how you normally live your lives and there’s nothing stopping you from going outside or going into my imagination.

Sides: …

Brian: Oh that’s my bad. I would’ve told you but I was, y’know, asleep. Like usual.


	55. Set LV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School is starting for me next week and I'm doing university applications. It probably won't affect the update schedule since this isn't the kind of fic I just sit down and write for significant periods of time but heads up in case updates are slower in a week or two.

Remus: What the Kentucky fried fuck are you doing?

Virgil: What the cinnamon toast frick did you just say to me?

Remy: *slaps both* You bready bitches need to calm the flippity flapjack fuck down.

Janus: *watching, eating popcorn*

~

Virgil: Did you know vampires are pale and suck blood since they’re anemic and have a vitamin D deficiency? I like just found this out.

Patton: You’re anemic and have a vitamin D deficiency. Are you a vampire?

Virgil: … Yes.

~

Roman: Admit defeat!

Remus: Never!

Roman: *holding Janus hostage, fake stabs* Very well! Bam! The snake is dead!

Remus: Noooo!

Janus: *sarcastic as hell* Oh no. I am dying. Doctor Logan, I plead you with my dying breath to save me.

Logan: It’s not your dying breath if I save you.

Janus: Just fucking patch me up before I bleed out, dumbass.

Remus: *dumps strawberry Crofters onto Janus* Does the fake blood help?

Logan: *shrieking* My Crofters!

Roman: What’s even happening anymore? Come on, get back to the game, guys.

~

_ Conversations Roman & Remy Have: _

Roman: I think I have a crush…

Remy: Oh my god, tell me everything!

_ Conversations Patton & Remus Have: _

Patton: Glue.

Remus: *jumps on table and rips his pants off* GLOOOOOOO!

~

Logan: *noises*

Remus: You need some help?

Logan: No I- actually, sure. Two heads are better than one.

Remus: Um, okay? I mean, I’m sure I’ve got a few extra heads in the freezer.

Logan: *facepalms* Not what I meant.

~

Logan: Okay, so now you just sign here.

Thomas: It says parent signature. Do I need to get my parents to sign it?

Logan: No, Thomas. You’re an adult.

Thomas: Oh. Right. But I should call them right? I don’t know my family’s medical history.

Remus: *clipping toenails on the table* One of your great uncles was a sociopath.

Thomas: What.

Logan: Ignore him, he’s just trying to distract you.

Thomas: Well, it’s working.

Remus: *flicks toenail at Thomas* Good.

~

Virgil: Is Logan a plant or a robot?

Janus:

Virgil: I’m being serious here.

Janus: I know. Go get Remy and Roman, I’ll go get Nate and Toby. We’re having a group discussion.

~

Virgil: Are you sure you want to lock the difficulty of this world?

Thomas: What?

Virgil: This will set this world to always be hard, and you will never be able to change that again.

Thomas: *frantically trying to figure out how to stop it*

Virgil: Yes or no?

Thomas: No! No, no, no, no!

Virgil: Yes.

Thomas: Virgil!

Virgil: *takes off headphones* What’s up? I was just reading my Minecraft out loud for Remus.

Thomas: *visible relief* Oh.

~

Remy: I need some tea…

Virgil: Roman hit on me yesterday.

Remy: NOT THE KIND OF TEA I MEANT BUT THIS IS BETTER! TELL ME EVERYTHING!

Virgil: … April Fools.

Remy: 

Virgil: *cheeky grin*

Remy: I will destroy you.

~

Roman: Sad people be like “where are my keys?”

Virgil: What?

Roman: I’m sad. Where are my keys?

Virgil: Your brother ate them.

~

Roman: Remy is evolving into a femboy.

Logan: *not looking up* Is he going to work at Femboy Hooters?

All Sides: *come to a screeching halt*

Virgil & Janus: *rolling on floor laughing*

Roman: *runs off to tell Remy*

Logan: *confused as to what’s happening*

Roman: *yells across Mindpalace* He says hopefully!

~

Remus: I’m a wanted man.

Roman: Impossible. You weren’t even a wanted child.

~

Virgil: Remember that one kid Thomas went to school with?

Logan: You’ll have to be more specific.

Virgil: That kid who brought the same piece of bread to school everyday for like two weeks and would scream “baguette!” and smack kids with it.

Logan: Um, yes? Why?

Virgil: I’ve decided his baguette is my new object of worship.

~

Logan: We need to vote one person off the island. I vote Remy.

Remy: Try me bitch. I know karate.

Logan: Oh that’s actually a useful skill. Remus then.

Remus: I’m an octopus. I can squeeze into impossibly small holes. We can use that to collect water or find shelter.

Logan: Okay who doesn’t have a useful skill?

Roman: I can sword fight.

Virgil: I’m your fight or flight guy.

Emile: I can stop everyone from killing each other.

Janus: I have survival skills and know first aid.

Patton: I have cookies!

Logan: …

Sides: …

Logan: We can’t vote Patton off, right?

Sides: *shake heads*

Logan: Well then in that case, I offer myself as tribute.

~

Remy: Logan! I think the fridge is broken.

Roman: *whispering in another room* Just like my heart.

Remy: *yelling* Oh my god. I’m sorry I ate your waffle. Get over it.


	56. Set LVI

_ Morning Routine _

Logan & Remy: *violently fighting over coffee machine*

Virgil: *putting on eyeshadow in mirror*

Roman: *pushing Virgil away from mirror to comb hair*

Remus: *eating soap*

Emile: *feeding Remus soap*

Patton: *making everyone breakfast*

Janus: *casually stealing the coffee machine and escaping in the midst of the chaos*

~

Logan: I just don’t feel like I’m being heard. 

Remus: Have you tried yelling?

~

Remus: *twisting body into weird positions*

Roman: *walks in* What are you doing?

Remus: I’m communicating with him.

Roman: *sees octopus sitting on table* I don’t think octopus communicate like that.

Remus: Yeah they do. This is octopus sign language. Harold has hearing loss. 

Roman: HAROLD HAS HEARING LOSS?!

~

Remus: Teach me how to cat.

Virgil: *lies down on table* Copy me.

Remus: *lies down on table*

Virgil: *knocks glass off*

Remus: *grins* Oh this is going to be fun.

~

Remy & Roman: *whispering*

Remy: *loudly* Oh my god! For the last time! I. Will. Not. Reenact. Lost. With. You.

~

Patton: Cake or pie?

Virgil: Cake. Definitely.

Logan: There are more options for pie. Pie has a near infinite number of fillings.

Remus: No one wants to eat fruit.

Logan: But Crofters. 

Roman: Meat pies and chicken pot pies and stuff are a thing though.

Virgil: Oh damn, you’re right.

Remy: But coffee cake. Coffee cake alone makes cake better than pie.

Emile: Why not both?

Sides:

Emile: ?

Janus: *takes Emile by the shoulders, leads him away from conversation* Emile, you know we love you but there is no both. Only cake or pie.

~

Roman: I’m in a gay panic.

Emile: Something gay happened and you’re panicking?

Roman: No. I’m panicking and gay. The two aren’t related.

~

Logan: Relationships aren’t that difficult. Like, COMMUNICATE IT'S NOT THAT HARD GROW A SPINE YOU NEED TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER I LOVE YOU DON'T BREAK UP!

Emile: … Clearly we have a lot of pent up emotions here. Did one of your friends recently hit a snag in their relationship?

Logan: What? No. Of course not. I have no emotions and I have no friends.

~

Roman: Cheese is the glue that holds the world together.

Virgil: That… is so true.

Roman: I know right? I came up with it while eating cheese.

~

Virgil: *holds up phone* Look at this alpaca. He is my new god.

Logan: *not looking up* So alpacas are replacing the goats?

Virgil: *grabs Logan by the tie* Don’t you dare talk down the goats. Goats are my universe and I will not stand by and let them be disrespected.

~

Logan: Favorite country?

Patton & Roman: Peru.

Logan: Why Peru?

Patton: Llama country is my favorite country.

Roman: It’s also potato country.

Logan: Ah. Makes sense.

~

Logan: Virgil… Virgil! Get down! What are you doing?

Virgil: *jumps off fridge and hisses* I’m playing the Space Jam theme song at my funeral and no one can stop me!

~

Roman: *crying*

Remus: *licking Roman’s face*

Virgil: Ew. Remus stop. What are you doing?

Remus: He’s crying oatmeal! What do you expect me to do?

Virgil: Share you asshole!

~

Roman: Why are people vegan? Cheese is so good.

Logan: Some do it for health reasons, some can’t stand the thought of eating something that was once alive…

Roman: Plants are alive too and we murder the shit out of them.

~

Roman: I should probably go to bed but I don’t want to get up.

Virgil: lol mood


	57. Set LVII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started online school today. I came out as trans a bit before senior year started so this has been an experience. Probably won't affect updates for now but heads up if it does. 
> 
> If you're an ATLA fan, I posted an ATLA oneshot on my FFN account (same username as here). It was just a practice to get a feel for the fandom so it's not posted here but if you're interested, go check it out. It's about Momo and Zuko.

Roman: *screaming and smashing things* 

Virgil: WHY WON’T YOU WORK?!

Logan: Where are the instructions?

Patton: *crying*

Remy: *pushes down sunglasses, looks into camera* You don’t break Legos. Legos break you.

~

Janus: What am I looking at?

Virgil: Quake!

Janus: What?

Virgil: *holds up loaf of bread* Quake in the power of Bread Sheeran!

~

Roman: I love cake.

Janus: Cake is a lie.

Roman: I know but it’s a lie I’m willing to blindly fall into in the name of love.

~

Virgil: What are you doing with my cat?

Remus: *looks up with cat in arms* Science.

Janus: Cats defy all logic and science. Therefore, they are the perfect unit of measurement.

Virgil: … Okay carry on.

~

Roman: Look at this chicken with arms.

Logan: Roman, that’s your brother.

Remus: Moo.

Roman: *drops Remus on the floor* That’s not the sound a chicken makes you idiot.

~

Emile: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Remus: Building a ladder on the moon out of hotdogs.

Emile: It’s good to have goals…?

Remus: Oh that’s not a goal. It’s an addiction. 

Emile: Do you mean ambition?

Remus: No. Addiction. 

Emile: I think that’s enough for today.

~

Roman: If you could go on a date with anyone, who would you pick?

Logan: George Washington Carver.

Roman: What?

Logan: He was a great man. A brilliant peanut scientist.

Roman: I was what-ing because you didn’t say Patton but now I have so many more questions.

~

Logan: Something smells. What is that?

Roman: Remus?

Virgil: Failure?

Patton: Beans?

Janus: It’s Remus.

Remus: I’m just freeing my farts from their butt prison.

~

Logan: What are you doing?

Remus: Covering myself in ketchup and mustard because I’m a hotdog.

Patton: *hugging Remus* I’m the bun.

~

Emile: Remy?

Remy: *zoned out*

Emile: Remy?

Remy: *zoned out*

Roman: *slaps Remy across the face* Stop thinking about boys!

Remy: I can’t help it! I’m gay!

~

Roman: I have a rash. Do we have an itch cream?

Logan: I don’t know.

Virgil: *pulls four bottles of hydrocortisone out of pocket* Here.

Roman & Logan: 

Virgil: I found a bunch when I cleaned my room last month…

Roman: And you’re just carrying them around in your pockets?

Virgil: It came in handy, didn’t it?

Roman: Fair.

~

Roman: Screenshot that. Patton would love it.

Virgil: I tried but the video was too fast and I was too slow.

Roman: *holds up sword to phone* You will let us screenshot or I will stab you.

~

Patton: Logan is so smart. He can answer any question.

Janus: What do the Spice Girls want?

Virgil: Who let the dogs out?

Remus: What does the fox say?

Logan: Um…

~

Roman: *walks into kitchen* What are you doing?

Remus: *standing on the table naked* Crab rave!

Janus: *sweating out of breath* It’s not a crab rave. He set thirteen crabs loose in the Mindpalace and we’ve only found two of them. 

~

Patton: Is it soda, pop, or coke?

Roman: Pop.

Janus: Coke.

Remus: I only drink soap.

Logan: Water is the only drink any of you are allowed to have.

Virgil: It's soda and I hate anyone who says pop and anyone who says coke is an absolute moron with the IQ of a hockey puck beaten into the cement by a bag of hammers.

Patton: *visibly scared*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of these ones were based off of things that happened to me and a game of All Bad Cards.


	58. Set LVIII

Roman: Remus is eating bloody snakes!

Janus: WHAT?!

Roman: Wait, false alarm. It’s just spaghetti.

~

Logan: Should I get this floor mat for my office?

Virgil: No. It’s ugly enough without it.

Remus: *misreading the situation* But we can always make it uglier.

~

Logan: *working at desk*

Roman: *sinks up* How do you write like you're running out of time?

Virgil: *appears* Write day and night like you're running out of time?

Janus: *appears* Everyday you fight like you're running out of time.

Remus: *appears* Like you're running out of time.

Patton: *sinks up* Are you running out of time?

Roman: *circling desk* How do you write like tomorrow won't arrive?

Virgil: *leans over front of desk* How do you write like you need it to survive?

Janus: *circles Logan* How do you write every second you're alive?

Remus: *sits on desk* Every second you're alive? 

Patton: *sits on other side of desk* Every second you're alive?

Logan: Please leave. I’m busy.

Sides: *storm off* The least you could do is appreciate our choreography! 

~

Logan: Anyone want more broccoli?

Virgil: *narrator voice* And other things no one has said ever.

~

Virgil: *singing* It started when an alien device did what it did.

Emile: *gasps in excitement*

Roman: It stuck itself upon his wrist with-

Emile: *passes out*

Sides:

Remy: I was not expecting that. I thought he’d at least make it to the second verse.

~

Remus: *screaming* NO!

Roman: *looks into camera* That is Spanish for no.

~

Logan: Roman, I need you to act your age.

Roman: What? I always act my age!

Logan: You’re drinking from a juice box right now.

Roman: *sipping straw* It keeps me from spilling.

~

Roman: How are you so good at that?

Janus: I don’t know, this is my first time doing it.

Roman: Do you have a Ratatouille rat-animal under your hat?

Janus: *clearly lying* No….

~

Patton: *rolling on the floor laughing*

Logan: Are you okay? Do you need something?

Virgil: Duh. Air.

~

Logan: Can you get me a glass of water while you’re up?

Janus: *hands glass of ice* Just give it a few minutes.

~

Remy, Toby, & Nate: *walk in*

Logan: Don’t look into their eyes.

Virgil: Why? Because we’ll turn to stone?

Logan: No. Because their eyes are ugly. Why else would they wear sunglasses all the time?

~

Roman: How was your day?

Virgil: Terrible.

Roman: What happened?

Virgil: I woke up and that was a mistake.

~

Remy: Sleep is for the week.

Logan: Well then natural selection is coming for me.

Remy: Week, not weak. I party on the weekends.

~

Remus: Help.

Logan: What is it?

Remus: When I close my eyes, I can’t see.

Logan: *sighs*

Remus: Why are you sighing? I’m really worried here.

~

Roman: *rambling about the prince of his dreams*

Patton: *dreaming about a loving partner*

Virgil: *plotting to find a cryptid to elope with*

Remus: *wondering if sharks can live in lava*   
  



	59. Set LIX: Cute, Soft, and Wholesome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE!
> 
> Not actually. If there's anyone else being affected by the California fires right now, stay safe and take some cool pics of the Apocalypse sky.
> 
> At some point I just started putting all the cute and wholesome Incorrect Quotes into one file. It took way longer than it should have to get enough for one chapter but here it is!

Remus: *sleeping on Virgil’s lap*

Janus: Hey, thanks for watching him today.

Virgil: No worries. He was pretty good. Took a massive shit on the sidewalk instead of the roof today and I got him to eat a tomato.

Janus: Wow, good job. I’ve been having a hard time getting him to- wait.

Virgil: What?

Janus: We’re parents, aren’t we?

Virgil: … Shit.

Remus: *sleepily waking up* Shit?

Virgil & Janus: No, no, no. Don’t wake up. Go back to sleep.

~

Logan: *typing on laptop*

Patton: *peers over screen* Give me love.

Logan: *puts screen down and pats*

Patton: :D

~

Virgil: *panicking*

Sides: *not knowing what to do*

Remus: *singing* Aruba, Jamaica, oh I wanna take ya… Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama… Key Largo, Montego-

Logan: Stop.

Virgil: No, keep singing. I like it.

Remus: *singing* Off the Florida Keys, there’s a place called Kokomo. That’s where we wanna go...

Virgil: *leans against Remus* Thank you…

Remus: Anytime, Virge.

~

Roman: Is Patton a bean or a potat?

Virgil: Potat.

Remy: Bean.

Virgil & Remy: …

Janus: He’s actually lil llama.

Virgil & Remy: YES!

Janus: *smirks* Crisis averted.

~

Patton: *singing* It’s funny how nobody sings about oranges. There’s no reason to rhyme, I’m starting to mind how we take our ideas, put them in storage. But peel back the rind, who knows what you’ll find.

Virgil: *joins in quietly* Crazy how nobody sings about chocolate. It seems there would be nothing so sweet. Like we’re living in boxes of someone who’s locked it. How can that be, it just ain’t for me.

Patton: *beams* Kiddo… That was beautiful!

Virgil: *soft smiles* Thanks Dad…

~

Roman: *singing*  I'm nearing the end of my fourth year. I feel like I've been lacking, crying too many tears. Everyone seemed to say it was so great. But did I miss out, was it a huge mistake?

Logan: *singing*  I can't help the fact I like to be alone. It might sound kinda sad, but that's just what I seem to know. I tend to handle things usually by myself. And I can't ever seem to try and ask for help.

Virgil: *singing* I'm sitting here, crying in my prom dress. I'd be the prom queen if crying was a contest. Makeup is running down, feelings are all around. How did I get here? I need to know…

Emile, Patton, & Janus: *kick down door in full parent mode* WHO NEEDS A HUG?!

~

Remus: *unholy screeching*

Janus: Y’know, Remus-speak is actually a really amazing language. If you break down each individual noise, it’s an absolute masterpiece under the illusion of horror.

Remus: *smiles* Aww. Thanks Dee.

Virgil: *whispering* You just said that to make him stop, right?

Janus: He’s been feeling a bit down.

~

Patton: Who’s your meme bud?

Logan & Roman: What?

Patton: Everyone has a meme bud.

Roman: True. It’s Virgil.

Logan: Virgil is mine as well.

Patton: And mine!

Virgil: I’m everyone’s meme bud.

~

Virgil: I wish I was perfect…

Patton: *claps* Boom! Now you are!

Virgil: Nothing’s changed.

Patton: *smiling* Exactly.

~

Virgil: Logan’s feeling kind of sad.

Roman: What should we do?

Virgil: Remus, make him a card. Roman, make him a feel better playlist. Janus, can you lend him some of your books? Patton- Where’s Patton?

Remus: *peering around corner down the hall* He’s hugging Logan.

Sides: *huddle around corner to watch*

~

Patton: *singing* Up down fumpy wump. Up down fumpy wump.

Roman: That’s not how the lyrics-

Logan: *puts finger over Roman’s lips* Shush. Let him have his fun.

~

Patton: *crying*

Emile: What’s wrong?

Patton: I was looking for cute pictures of Momo from Avatar the Last Airbender and… and this picture of Sokka visiting Momo’s grave came up and- and-

Emile: *sits down next to Patton* We can cry together. 

~

Patton: I want to pet the cat.

Logan: You can’t pet the cat. You’re allergic.

Patton: But I want to do something!

Logan: … 

Patton: *puppy eyes*

Logan: *sighs, hands laser pointer*

Patton: *squeals* Thanks Lolo!

~

Remus: *flops on Remy*

Remy: Uh, gurl? What are you doing?

Remus: You’re warm.

Remy: Um, okay but why are you climbing on me?

Remus: I’m feeling cuddly. Come cuddle me.

Remy: *sighs* Let’s migrate to the couch.

~

Roman: *yelling* Hello from the other siiiiide!

Virgil: *on other side of house* I must’ve called a thousand tiiiimes!

Remus: *standing outside* Hello from the outsiiiiide!

Janus: *at window* At least I can say that I’ve triiiied!

Logan: How long did that take you four?

Virgil: We’ve been practicing all day.

Patton: Oh that’s too cute. I wish I got that on camera!

Logan: *holds up phone* Already got you, Patton.


	60. Set LX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 60! That means as of this chapter, 900 Incorrect Quotes have been posted.

Remus: *yelling from another room* Brother!

Roman: What?

Remus: Did you hear my fart?

Roman: No…?

Remus: It was really loud!

Roman: Okay…?

Remus: Are you sure you didn’t hear it?

Roman: Yeah...

Remus: Okay. I was really proud of it.

Roman: I’m sure you were…

~

Toby: Hey guys, this is my brother September.

September: Call me Seth.

Remus: You have a brother? I have a brother!

Toby: Yeah, we know…

Remus: *grabs Roman* This is my brother! We used to be the same egg then we weren’t and then we shared a womb and then we came out of the same-

Roman: *put hands over Remus’s mouth* Don’t scare off the new guy!

Toby: *watching Seth sink out* Too late.

~

Remus: Everyone always asks why Remus, not how Remus.

Logan: That’s not grammatically correct.

Janus: I don’t know why or how you do anything. I think I ask those to questions equal amounts.

Virgil: Guys, Remus just blew up the kitchen.

Logan: How?!

Janus: Why?!

Remus: *lowkey proud of himself*

~

Patton: Kiss. Kiss!

Logan: What are you doing?

Patton: *looks up* Trying to get Magenta and Mike to kiss. 

Logan: The printer and the microwave?

Patton: I ship them so hard.

~

Roman: I’M DYING!

Janus: Uh… There there?

Roman: Good dying. Virgil just sent me a picture of a cute cat but I appreciate the effort to comfort me.

Janus: *awkward thumbs up*

~

Roman: Where do you go when you want to hide from Remus?

Janus: Literally any place that serves food. He’s banned from all of them.

~

Roman: I’m going to go shower.

Virgil: Ew.

Roman: How dare you?

Virgil: What? Oh, I wasn’t ew-ing you. I sneezed earlier and I just found the snot on the back of my sleeve. It’s gross. I was ew-ing myself, not you.

Roman: Oh.

~

Patton & Remus: *huddling around Logan’s laptop*

Roman: You two don’t spend a lot of time together. What are you doing?

Patton: Remus is going to show me this web series called Llamas with Hats. I bet it’s really cute.

Roman: *pauses* Logan! Virgil! Janus! Toby! Remy! Nate! Help!

~

Patton: I’m tired and I have cake.

Logan: Okay.

Patton: I’m tired and I no longer have cake.

Logan: Yes, that is to be expected.

Patton: I’m tired and I want cake.

Logan: *sighs*

~

Emile: If Virgil’s a water bender, Roman’s a fire bender, Logan’s an earth bender, and Patton’s an air bender, what are you two?

Janus: Easy. Remus is a blood bender and I’m the Avatar.

Emile: But blood benders are just water benders and that Avatar-

Remus: Shut up and let me be a bloodbender.

~

Logan: *rapping* Savage why you gotta 12 car garage and you only got-

Remy: *throws off sunglasses, puts on another pair* FIFTEEN CARS CUZ THEY ALL JUST WANNA BE BIG ROCKSTARS LIVING IN HILLTOP HOUSES DRIVING FIFTEEN CARS!

~

Roman: Do you want a hug?

Virgil: Not really. Do you want a hug?

Roman: Yeah but I can get hugs from another source.

Virgil: No, it’s fine. *awkwardly hugs*

Roman: Thanks.

Virgil: No prob. 

Roman: *walks away*

Virgil: *splutters* Are you hugging Patton?! Were my hugs not good enough for you?!

~

Roman: Hey, Remus. What’s Janus’s snake’s name?

Remus: Mini Dee!

Roman: Really? Janus, is your snake’s name really Mini Dee?

Janus: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Roman: *confused* Yeah. That’s why I asked.

~

Logan: Someone just burned down a church in a small African country.

Sides: *look at Remus*

Remus: Why do you all assume it was me? I was here the whole time!

~

Virgil: Yeah I hate you.

Roman: I love you.

Emile: I miss you.

Remy: Bitch fuck you.

Janus: Yeah go to a cliff and jump off bitch.

Remus: And if you survive then jump again.

Logan: *puts hands over Patton’s ears* You didn’t hear that.

Patton: Hear what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been taking a break from any serious writing for a bit but I'm thinking about starting a new story to get back into things. I have a few stories outlined. Would you guys want to see a Brooklyn Nine-Nine crackfic, an Avatar: the Last Airbender character-focused fic, or a Warriors backstory fic?


	61. Set LXI

Roman: *singing* I’ve been thinking about-

Virgil: Food.

Roman: No.

Janus: Sleep.

Roman: Guys, stop. You know those aren’t the lyr-

Remus: BUTTS!

~

Remus: *staring at litter box*

Janus: Remus, no.

Remus: *crawls over to litter box*

Janus: Remus, no!

Remus: Remus yes! *sticks face in litter box and inhales*

Janus: 

Remus: *choking noises* Holy shit that was a terrible idea.

Janus: Roman! I need you to suck kitty litter out of your brother’s nose!

Roman: *yelling* What?!

~

_ Roman- _

Roman: Have you been bullying Remus?

Virgil: Maybe. What are you going to do about it?

Roman: *draws sword* 

_ Remus- _

Remus: Have you been bullying Roman?

Virgil: Maybe. What are you going to do about it?

Remus: I’ll pay you.

~

Virgil: *trips*

Remus: *face down not moving* Ow.

Virgil: Why are you lying in the middle of the floor?!

~

Patton: How do you get your hair like that?

Remy: I just wear a hat all day then take it off when I’m around you. This is all hat hair.

Patton: That makes sense.

~

Remy, Toby, & Nate: *speed by on motorcycles*

Patton: *riding a tricycle on the sidewalk* Look Virgil! They’re riding too! I’m one of the cool kids!

Virgil: *holding Patton to keep him from falling* Sure you are.

~

Virgil: *poking toast*

Roman: What are you doing? You love toast.

Virgil: I didn’t toast it enough. Now I’m just eating normal bread with a lump of unmelted butter on it.

~

Janus: Can I be candid with you?

Roman: Sure.

Janus: *opens kitchen cabinet* This disgusts me.

Roman: The dressing?

Janus: IT’S UNREFRIGERATED! IT’S JUST EGG AND MILK IN A BOTTLE AND IT’S UNREFRIGERATED!

~

Logan: In a functioning American democracy, citizen control of the agenda is essential because-

Virgil: Anytime I hear the word agenda, I hear a British person yelling “Oi! There’s a cake on the agenda!” and then the camera pans to an asexual eating cake off an agender person’s head.

Logan: How is that relevant to the conversation?

Virgil: It got Patton and Roman to pay attention.

Roman: Did I hear LGBTQ+ representation? 

Patton: There’s cake?

~

Janus: Don't make assumptions.

Virgil: When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.

Patton: I think you mean an as out of su and me.

Logan: Assumptions are based on the belief that humans are rational creatures and will make rational decisions because of it but in reality human behavior is completely unpredictable.

Remus: lol ass

~

Janus: What do you want for dinner?

Virgil: I dunno. What are you guys in the mood for?

Remus & Patton: Ice cream!

Virgil: We can’t have ice cream for dinner.

Patton: *offended gasp*

Roman: I could go for ice cream for dinner but then I’d need dinner for dessert.

Janus: Yeah, we need sustenance. 

Remus: You demons! What kind of monsters are you?

~

Remus: *being weird*

Janus: *throws hat at him and scurries away*

Remus: What just happened?

Janus: You got hatted.

~

Roman: It’s so annoying how we have to eat three times a day when snakes can just unhinge their jaws and swallow a week’s worth of food.

Everyone: *looks at Janus*

Janus: *stares back, confused*

~

Patton: Did you know beanboozled spelled backwards is beanboozled?

Logan: What? No… No, it’s not.

Patton: Got you!

Logan: No you didn’t.

~

Virgil & Janus: *arguing*

Remus: I think-

Janus: You have no opinion.

Remus: Yeah I do!

Virgil: Correction. You lick yourself and shit in a box. Your opinion doesn’t matter.

Remus: Skitter does that too and you guys let him talk!

Janus: He’s wearing a necktie.

Remus: *sighs* Serious people wear neckties.

~

Virgil: For some reason I thought when you grabbed hot food it just hurt and you didn’t actually get burned.

Logan: That… is not at all true.

Virgil: *holds up hand* Yeah, I know. Do you know how to treat burns?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys like having ~ separating the quotes or should it be something else? If I changed it, I wouldn't change the old chapters and the change might be kind of annoying to any binge readers but I'm curious as to how you guys feel about it.


	62. Set LXII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Joan Appreciation Day! This isn't a Joan chapter, I just happened to decide to post today.

Remus: *screams in the shower*

Janus: *knocks on bathroom door* Are you okay?

Remus: I’m naked!

Janus: That was scream worthy?

Remus: No. You know I don’t bathe. I’m confused and terrified and I don’t know how I got here and I’m just trying to look at the bright side.

~

Patton: You’re so cool. What’s your secret?

Remy: I got my head stuck under my bed once.

Patton: I meant your secret to being cool.

Remy: Oh! Sunglasses. Duh.

~

Remus: *eating pennies*

Janus: What would Abraham Lincoln say if he saw you?

Remus: He’d be dead.

Janus: What?

Remus: Because his immune system is all old. All the pollution and diseases and stuff would kill him.

Janus: Remus, I’m trying to get you to stop eating copper. Take this conversation seriously.

Remus: A man just died! You take this seriously.

~

Virgil: I’m bored. Someone do something exciting.

Remus: *jumps out of dishwasher naked*

Virgil: That’s not exciting. You do that all the time.

Remus: *sad poopy noises*

~

Logan: Petting animals is proven to lower your stress.

Virgil: Lit. Someone get me my cat. I’m about to click this random news article about something the government did and I don’t want to have a heart attack.

~

Virgil’s phone: *buzzes*

Roman: *looks up*

Virgil: *checks texts and yells* JANUS, YOU LEGEND!

Roman: *startled*

Virgil: *yelling across house* THANK YOU FOR BLESSING ME WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE!

Roman: *confused Princey noises*

Janus: *walks in* You’re welcome.

Roman: What is happening?

Janus: *smirks* You’ll find out.

Roman: *scared*

~

Logan: I need to take your temperature.

Patton: Only if you give it back when you’re done.

~

Logan: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Virgil: Give Patton a fish and he will try to breathe life back into it.

Janus: Give Remus a fish and he will put it down his pants.

Roman: I want a fish. He’d be my friend.

~

Roman: I have an announcement to make.

Virgil: Everything is on fire!

Roman: That is the announcement I was going to make.

~

Logan: You know when you sharpen a pencil and you try to write with it and the lead falls out?

Roman: Yeah.

Logan: That is my life.

~

Roman: Define the past.

Virgil: Younger me sitting alone in a hoodie.

Roman: Define the future. 

Virgil: Older me sitting alone in a hoodie.

Roman: Define the present.

Virgil: Hotels.

Roman: What, why?

Virgil: Empty drawers, endless halls, stained carpet, faded paint, strangers loafing around, lifeless conversation in the lobby, broken air conditioning, soulless art… There is no time. Somehow, it is the beginning and the end simultaneously therefore it is all present.

Roman: *having a crisis*

~

Roman: You should listen to foreign music. 

Virgil: I don’t understand the language.

Roman: You don’t need to understand it! Music is more than language!

Virgil: I will never listen to K-Pop, Roman.

Roman: Not K-Pop! J-Pop!

Virgil: That is somehow worse.

~

Logan: Do you want anything?

Remus: Za.

Logan: What’s za?

Remus: Za!

Logan: But what is za?

Virgil: Just give him the fucking za, Logan.

Logan: WHAT IS ZA?

~

Janus: Podcast = iPod + Broadcast

Virgil: What the actual fuck.

Janus: *leaves*

Virgil: Get back here! You can’t just walk away after saying that!

~

Patton: *shrieking* 

Logan: What’s wrong?

Patton: SPIDER! SPIDER!

Logan: *sighs* Where is it? I’ll take it outside.

Patton: *borderline crying* It was in my mouth!

Logan: What in the world was a spider doing in your mouth?

Patton: *wailing* I don’t know!

Remus: They like dark, enclosed spaces.

Logan: You’re not helping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a spider in my mouth once. It crawled on the inside of my cup and ended up in my mouth for a solid 20 seconds. It was the most traumatizing thing I’ve experienced. And it almost happened a second time the other week.


	63. Set LXIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a long dry spell where I had no ideas. I don’t copy Incorrect Quotes but all the quotes in this chapter were ones I came up with while looking at r/tumblr. None of them are copied but some inspiration or phrases came from various posts.

Virgil: Why do we live here? It’s awful here?

Janus: We’ve been banned from everywhere else.

Remus: I don’t know what Florida’s limit is but I will find it.

~

Virgil: Grandma has a gun.

Logan: We don’t have a grandma.

Virgil: Logan, grandma has a fucking gun. Don’t question it. Just run.

~

Logan: Why is Remus duct taped to the roof of the car?

Roman: Because he can’t drive.

Virgil: Duh.

~

Virgil: Every person in Imagine Dragons is just Macklemore from a parallel universe.

Logan: Why did you feel the need to wake us up to tell us this? 

Roman: The better question is why were you thinking about this at 3 am?

~

Virgil: Favorite Pokemon?

Roman: Rapidash.

Remus: Sukamon.

Roman: That’s a Digimon.

Virgil: This is why Roman is the favorite child, you fucking monster.

~

Virgil: Remus is the only Side that needs no context.

Logan: Excuse me?

Remus: *runs through the house completely nude, blue, and on fire* COUNTRY ROOOOOOOADS!

Virgil: See? That needs no context. It just makes sense.

~

Remy: Linguini is my spirit animal.

Emile: Linguini from Ratatouille?

Remy: Yeah.

Emile: But he’s not an animal. And the rat’s name is Remy.

Remy: HIS NAME IS WHAT NOW?!

Emile: His brother’s name is Emile.

Remy: GURL, HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!

~

Virgil: The world is on fire and there is nothing we can do.

Roman: The world is on fire but there is still a lot of beauty in it.

Logan: The world is on fire but I know we can save it.

Remus: The world is on fire and I have a mongoose in my pants. He screams and I love it.

~

Janus: When was the last time you jumped?

Roman: What?

Janus: When was the last time you jumped?

Roman: *stares blankly* Like in real life or…?

~

Virgil: What if instead of the ocean we just had fire?

Remus: What if instead of the ocean we just had a pit of Legos?

Roman: What if instead of the ocean we just had a pit of pasta?

Janus: What if instead of the ocean we just had a pit of snakes?

Patton: What if instead of the ocean we just had a pit of puppies?

Logan: What if instead of you five idiots I just hung out with Remy?

Remy: What if instead of the ocean we just had a pit of coffee?

Logan: *sighs*

~

Roman: How do Bob-ombs reproduce?

Virgil: I dunno.

Remus: Via gunpowder and love.

Virgil: *googling* Oh shit, that’s actually the canonical explanation.

Roman: How does Remus of all people know that?

Remus: *grinning* Janus, I use the word via! Are you proud of me?

~

Patton: What if they just stopped making socks? Like, I never wear socks so I don’t think it would be that big of a deal.

Thomas: *looks down* Do you just wear sandals all the time?

Patton: Yeah, it’s part of the dad aesthetic. 

Thomas: *joking* Don’t you mean cat aesthetic?

Virgil: That wasn’t funny.

Thomas: I know...

~

Thomas: Sorry, I can’t come. Remus got stuck behind the refrigerator again.

Joan, not knowing the Sides exist: You have such weird friends.

Thomas: *looks away from phone* Oh, hold on a sec. Virgil is trying to drop chicken nuggets back there to feed him and Roman just set the kitchen on fire.

Joan: Who are you quarantined with?!

~

Roman: You know that drawing app that’s on like every computer?

Virgil: Yeah.

Roman: Well I just found out it’s called MS Paint, not Ms. Paint.

Virgil: *snickers*

Roman: It’s not funny.

Virgil: It’s a little funny.

~

Roman: What’s the name of the purple bitch from Monsters Inc?

Virgil: Randall?

Roman: Yeah. Thanks.


	64. Set LXIV: Removed IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are all quotes removed from previous chapters.

Remy: I’m sorry but I love you.

Remus: What?

Emile: He’s talking to Travis.

Remus: Traffic the Traffic Cone? He’s getting more action than me?

Remy: What? Ew. No. I’m talking to my jacket.

Remus & Emile: Oh.

~

Remus & Virgil: *looking at memes*

Patton: *looks over shoulders at meme* That’s not relatable. You should report that.

Janus: *looks over shoulders at meme* The meme is about being horny and depressed. 

Patton: Exactly! Not relatable to any of my kiddos! Not at all!

Remus & Virgil: …

~

Roman: I’m like a butterfly.

Patton: Because you’re so pretty and colorful?

Virgil: No, because he was really ugly then took a really long nap and woke up weak enough to be taken out by the wind.

Roman: I was going to say because I’m all the colors of the rainbow but now I’m too offended to speak to you.

Virgil: *finger guns* I try.

~

Thomas: Which body part is in the best shape?

Logan: Most likely your arms. Due to the natural effects of-

Remy: Either the eyes or the fingers. The eyes because I roll them so much, the fingers because we’re all on our phones all day.

~

Remy: Gurls! We have a problem.

Virgil: What?

Remy: You know Thomas’s friend Dominic? Look at his YouTube channel.

Virgil: *looks at phone* The fuck is Walk Tricks?

Remy: I don’t know and I love it but I kind of feel like it’s Thomas’s responsibility as his friend to stage an intervention. 

~

Patton: *lying on floor with shirt off*

Remy: *sips coffee* What are you doing?

Patton: I heard trans guys do this to make themselves feel better sometimes. I want to understand my trans brothers.

Remy: *lies down on floor* Me too, gurl. Me too.

~

Virgil: Asexual vampires can’t eat garlic bread.

Roman: Well there goes my Friday night plans.

Virgil: What?

Roman: What?

~

Roman: I’m going to give Remus some peanut butter. I know this is a bad idea so you don’t need to tell me no but-

Virgil: No. That’s a terrible idea.

Roman: I just said I know and you didn’t need to say no.

Virgil: I will say no at any given opportunity.

Roman: … Do you love me?

Virgil: No.

~

Virgil: I’m sorry, I just don’t like thinking about that.

Logan: Well then we will distract you. Everyone, what are some, uh, things for Virgil to think about?

Roman: Uh…

Remus: Butts!

Janus: I own six pairs of crocs.

Patton: Cats!

Emile: Hamilton but it’s Muppets.

Remy: I’m sorry, what?

Emile: It’s a thing.

Virgil: Is Kermit Hamilton? Please tell me Kermit is Hamilton.

~

Janus: Okay, this is the last piece of art. If we can’t agree on one, we’re not hanging up something new.

Virgil: Just get on with it.

Janus: I present to you the dogs playing poker tapestry. Everyone vote yes or no.

Logan: Yes. It is a classic piece of artwork in American history that-

Patton: Yes! It has a dog.

Remus: Looks chaotic. I’m in.

Roman: I think it’s classy.

Virgil: Looks pretty cool.

Janus: I can’t believe this is the only one all five of you agreed on but I’ll take it. Where should we put it?

Sides: *start arguing*

Janus: *sighs* My work is never done.

~

Emile: *singing* What kind of pokemon are you? How do you do the things you do?

Patton: Togepi!

Logan: Alakazam.

Roman: Jigglypuff.

Emile: *continues singing* Share with me your secrets deep inside. What kind of Pokémon are you?

Virgil: Haunter.

Janus: Shiny Arbok.

Remus: Galarian Weezing.

Emile: *still singing* Are you loyal through and through? And do you have a heart that's true?

Remy: Munchlax.

Toby: Obstagoon.

Nate: Slowbro.

Emile: *belting* WHAT KIND OF POKEMON ARE YOOOOOOU?!!!

~

_ Younger Thomas- _

Thomas: Can you stop giving me dreams about being outed or in the closet?

Roman: Not until you come out.

_ Present Thomas- _

Thomas: Can you stop giving me dreams about being a cow?

Remus: No.

~

Emile: Wait, don’t leave me.

Remy: Gurl, you’re about to shower.

Emile: Not yet. I need to do stuff first. Stay?

Remy: What do you want me to do?

Emile: Just stay here and talk to me like you usually do.

Remy: … *starts singing Beach Boys songs*

~

Virgil: I updated my gay playlist.

Janus: And?

Virgil: Now like a third of it is lesbian songs.

Janus: So…?

Virgil: I love it. Lesbians are fucking legends. They deserve to conquer my gay playlist.

~

Roman: *in the shower* Can you get me a washcloth?

Janus: Yeah.

Roman: I can’t actually hear you, I’m just hoping you’re doing the right thing.

Janus: *walks into the bathroom, hands washcloth*

Roman: Why did you get me a white one? Now I feel dirty.

Janus: You’re literally in the shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of these are really old. I watched Wall Tricks and found Muppet Hamilton months ago. Both of those are on YouTube if you want to check them out.


	65. Set LXV

Thomas: *driving*

Logan: *holding a map* Go straight.

Roman: *seizes the wheel* Never go straight!

Virgil: *slaps him* Don’t make loud noises or sudden movements in a moving vehicle or you’ll distract the driver and we’ll all die!

Roman: *hurt Princey noises*

~

Janus: What are you eating?

Roman: Ravioli.

Janus: It’s 8 am.

Roman: That has never stopped me before.

~

Roman: Send help.

Virgil: Sending memes.

~

Virgil: *walks into Logan’s room*

Logan: What are you doing here?

Virgil: I went out to get food and I found a broken ipod playing music in an empty room.

Logan: And that’s relevant why…?

Virgil: Because that’s clearly how a murder scene begins. If I’m getting killed, I’m getting someone else killed first so here I am.

~

Roman: Don’t hurt my family.

Remus: We’re twins. Your family is my family. Why would I hurt them?

Roman: …

Remus: Do you need a minute to think?

Roman: Yeah.

~

Remus: I like screaming.

Janus: I don’t.

Remus: You were supposed to say you like screaming too so we could scream together.

Roman: You know Deceit always lies.

Janus: *visible horror* Wait, no-

Remus: *grins* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Janus: Roman, what have you done?

~

Roman: *looks like a cinnamon roll, can actually kill you*

Virgil: *looks like he can kill you, is actually a cinnamon roll*

Patton: *looks like cinnamon roll, is cinnamon roll*

Remus: *looks like he can kill you, will actually kill you*

~

Emile: I watch Avatar the Last Airbender for the plot.

Remy: Me too.

Roman: *smirks* And we all know what that means….

Emile: I know, right?! The plot is so good! The story is so well written and the characters are just so likeable and well developed and the lessons are-

Remy: *coughs* Right. That.

Roman: *quickly hides screenshots of Zuko on phone* We all meant that, Emile. Totally.

~

Janus: War.

Roman: Famine.

Virgil: Death.

Remus: Pestilence.

Patton: Dark chocolate. 

Logan: No.

~

Remus: *wailing in the background*

Virgil: Should we check on him?

Logan: He bit Remy so Janus is trying some puppy training techniques to get him to stop. 

Virgil: Meaning…

Logan: He put him in an empty room by himself.

Virgil: Oh. But even dogs shouldn’t be crying that much.

Logan: … We should probably check on him.

~

Roman: Country rooooaaaadsssss!

Virgil: Take me hooooooomeeeeee!

Roman: Well, if you insist.

Virgil: That’s not how the lyrics go.

Roman: *raises eyebrows hopefully*

Virgil: … But that’s too perfect of a pick up line so say no to.

~

Janus: *leaning against door dramatically* Oh, I've got to be in the room where it happens. I've got to be, I've gotta be, I've gotta be in the room…

Remus: *kicks down door* Click boom.

Sides: *startled*

Logan: It was unlocked.

~

Remus: *hits Roman with a sock club*

Roman: Ow! Wait… That didn’t hurt. What’d you put in there?

Remus: *sticks hand in sock* Chocolate. Want some?

~

Virgil: I want a villain who’s morally gray and doesn’t know they’re bad. They have a compelling backstory rationalizing their actions but they’re still conflicted over it.

Patton: I want a villain who has evil written every day on their calendar.

Remus: *pulls out calendar* You mean like this?

Janus: Remus makes me want to commit arson. Is that compelling enough for you?

~

Remy: So you know how I cracked my phone?

Virgil: Off the roof? 

Remy: I actually dropped it off the roof twice.

Virgil: TWICE?!

Remy: It was an iphone 11…

Virgil: I don’t even have an iphone.

Remy: Anyway, I lost my airpods.

VIrgil: You don’t need airpods. Don’t tell me you bought another pair.

Remy: I bought another pair.

Virgil: *screams into hands*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That last one was based off a real convo I had, me being the person without the iphone and my dad being the one who dropped his iphone off the roof twice without a screen protector because apparently years of never dropping your phone means your phone is immortal. It wasn’t an iphone 11 but there was some brief communication error that made it sound like that was what happened. He also lost his airpods and bought a new pair.


	66. Set LXVI

Patton: *throws himself on the ground* Long cat is dead!

Virgil: *takes pictures* 

Patton: Don’t take pictures of my grief!

Virgil: Janus had a bit of an episode when he found out RBG died but I feel like it’d be really inappropriate to make a joke about that so I’m redirecting my energy at you and Longcat.

Patton: …

Virgil: *smiles awkwardly* 

Patton: *wailing* Longcat is dead!

~

Virgil: *storms out of room* They admitted it! They finally fucking admitted it!

Logan: Who? Who admitted what?

Virgil: *holds up Twitter on phone* Porygon did nothing wrong!

~

Patton: How come Skitter isn’t a chonky boi?

Logan: Because overfeeding a cat for aesthetic reasons is animal cruelty.

Patton: *tears up*

Logan: Wait, no. I didn’t mean it like that.

~

Logan: *sits down with a jar of Crofters*

Virgil: mood

Janus: *chases a naked Remus through the house*

Virgil: mood

Patton: *doing the dishes*

Virgil: mood

Roman: *sighs dramatically and flops on the couch*

Virgil: mood

Remy: Is everything just a mood to you?

Virgil: mood

Remy: Okay, I walked into that one.

~

Patton: *looking at the reader* Hey you. Yes, you. Did you know you can’t smile and wiggle your toes at the same time?

Patton: Try it. I’m waiting.

Patton: …

Patton: You’re smiling, aren’t you? Enjoy the neuropeptides! 

~

Virgil: What sound does a witch’s car make?

Patton: What?

Virgil: Broom broom.

Patton: *laughing* Broom broom!

Virgil: Broom broom.

Patton: Broom broom!

Virgil & Patton: Broom broom!

~

Roman: Your shits look like string beans.

Remus: You take that back!

~

Patton: How did the hipster burn his mouth?

Roman: How?

Patton: He ate pizza before it was cool!

Romman: Pfft. That’s actually pretty good.

~

Roman: Your head’s avocado shaped.

Remus: *burps* Thanks. I was going for alien shaped but avocados are still green so close enough.

Roman: Green isn’t a shape…

Remus: Maybe not for you.

~

Roman: What’s Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Patton: What?

Roman: BA-NA-NA! BA-NA-NA-NA!

Patton: *falls over giggling* 

~

Virgil: You ever think about how in the 12 Days of Christmas that dude gives his girl six geese and seven swans?

Logan: I regularly think about the sheer absurdity of that number of birds but go on.

Virgil: Geese and swans are like… vicious. It wasn’t a gift of love. It was a homicide. That woman is dead.

~

Virgil: My redddit is broken so it’s letting me see I have notifications but not letting me view them and I’ve gotten over a hundred and fifty notifications and my karma is slowly going up and I don’t know why.

Patton: You’re reddit famous?

Virgil: No, that’s not how reddit wor-

Patton: My son is reddit famous!

Virgil: I- No…

~

Roman & Remus: We’re trying to figure out how many ways it’s possible to eat cheese.

Patton: Don’t you mean wheys to eat cheese?

Roman: *falls over*

Remus: *begins inhaling cheese* Don’t worry bro! I’ll eat enough cheese for the two of us!

~

Thomas: *filming* How are we doing on time?

Virgil: Wasting it like usual.

~

Patton: Loga- I mean, Remy, er- Remus? Jan… Skitter. Uh, Patton. Shoot, Thoma- Hey you. Come over here and give your ‘ol dad a hug.

Virgil: *walking over* Did you seriously call me your own name?

Patton: *hugs him* Yes. Yes, I did Harold.

Virgil: Virgil. It’s Virgil.

Patton: Darn! So close!

Virgil: *hugs back* Sure you were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m thinking about making a twitter account for these Incorrect Quotes and just post all the highlights from this fic but I just made a joke account for ATLA twitter and honestly I’m just too lazy to join Sanders Sides twitter so we’ll see if this ever happens.
> 
> Also peace be upon RGB, rip Longcat, and congratulations to Porygon.


	67. Set LXII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know updates have been a bit spaced out but I now have seven chapters backed up including two themed chapters, four wip chapters, and a week off so hopefully they'll speed back up again.

Logan: *flossing teeth in mirror*

Remus & Roman: *appear on either side*

Remus: *flashes his teeth* Who has the biggest teeth?

Roman: *doing the same* Ew, you need to brush once in a while. But I think I definitely have bigger teeth than Logan at least.

Logan: Can you guys… not?

Remus: You already have your teeth out. Now’s the perfect time.

Roman: Remus has horse teeth. Logan, what do you think?

Logan: I think you should stop invading my personal space and get the fuck out of the bathroom while it’s in use.

Remus & Roman: *scurry out* Sorry.

~

Remus: What are you doing?

Janus: Reading.

Remus: *visibly impressed* I didn’t know you could read.

Janus: *visibly confused* I read to you all the time.

Remus: What? No you don’t.

Janus: Yes I do.

Remus: I think I’d remember that. Maybe I have an evil twin running around who makes you read to him.

Janus: … Remus, you are the evil twin.

Remus: What?!

~

Roman: Want to play some video games?

Janus: We literally can’t. The ping here looks like a city skyline.

Roman: Fuck, I forgot about that. Logan? Can you fix the router so Janus and I can play video games?

~

Patton: Side Facts #1 with Logan. Logan, take it away.

Logan: None of us know what’s happening.

Patton: Thank you for that wonderful Side Fact!

Logan: *awkward thumbs up*

~

Roman: *walking around* 

Patton: Roaming? More like Roman.

Roman: *stops* I almost just crashed my car.

Patton: You’re not driving.

Roman: I almost just crashed my car.

Patton: 

Roman:

Roman: *continues walking*

~

Roman: Artist struggles are when you spend forever on a painting and no one sees it but you spent 15 minutes on a sketch and it gets thousands of likes.

Virgil: I feel that but instead of painting and sketches it’s with my fanfic and memes.

Roman: … Still artwork. Still valid.

~

Roman: *singing* You can tell by the way I walk I’m a-

Remus: Giant bird in a man suit.

Roman: What?

Remus: It’s not easy being a giant bird in a man suit.

~

Virgil: The internet’s being weird.

Remus: Don’t worry. I am too.

~

Remus: Guess who just ate fifteen bars of soap?

Virgil: That’s not safe. Should we get his stomach pumped?

Remus: I said guess. I didn’t say it was me.

Virgil: Was it you?

Remus: *picking nose* Yeah.

~

Janus: I’m going to be out for the day. Keep me updated if anything happens with Remus.

Patton: Got it!

Patton: *texting* Remus is lying on the floor in a puddle of mustard and mayonnaise. He took one of Logan’s shoes, filled it with cheese, and stuffed it down his shorts. He’s now playing Careless Whisper on the kazoo with his nose while Harold provides back up vocals.

Janus: Patton, I haven’t even left the house yet...

Patton: *shrugs innocently* 

~

Roman: *picks up octopus off couch, throws on ground*

Remus: 0_0

Roman: *brain catches up with actions* Oh man, Harold!

Remus: You just threw him on the floor!

Roman: I’m so sorry! I thought he was a pillow. My brain was on autopilot. 

Remus: *whips out mace and morningstar* Autopilot these hands!

~

Logan: *getting up* I’m going to go to the- What is that?

Virgil: What is what?

Logan: *leans over* There’s a kidney on the floor.

Virgil: What?

Logan: *holds up kidney* There was just a kidney right here on the floor.

Virgil: Think it belongs to someone?

Logan: Probably? What should we do with it?

Virgil: *shrugs*

Logan: *slowly places back on floor*

~

Remus: *sighing longingly* I wish I was a hermit crab so I could walk around naked…

Janus: What?

Remus: I didn’t say anything.

Janus: It sounded like you said you wished you were a hermit crab so you could walk around naked.

Remus: Great idea Dee!

Janus: Wait no. What have I done?

~

Roman: What’s in your pockets?

Virgil: What? Why do you need to know that?

Roman: If you ever get attacked, you only have what’s in your pockets to save yourself with. 

Virgil: Okay, um, I have three dollars in change.

Roman: Oh, this boy gonna die.

Janus: I have my wallet, your wallet, Virgil’s wallet, and thirteen lighters.

Roman: This boy gonna live. Can I have my wallet back though?

Janus: *flicks on six lighters simultaneously* No.

~

Emile: *pointing Janus* It’s Lee from the teashop! He’s the firelord?!

Roman: *typing up Janus’s quarantine hair in a bun* What?

Janus: *sitting on floor* Yeah, what?

Emile: I’ve been watching Avatar the Last Airbender on repeat for-

Janus & Roman: We know.


	68. Set LXVIII: Crofters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been a long time coming... CROFTERS!

Virgil: Who ate the last of the Crofters?!

Logan: *starts flossing*

Virgil: Why are you flossing? What are you celebrating? We have no more Crofters!

~

Logan: *holding Crofters* Can someone get me a spoon?

Patton: Big or little?

Logan: Little.

Patton: *slowly wraps arms around Logan’s back*

Logan: What are you doing?

Patton: *whispering* You’re the little spoon now.

~

Roman: *steals Patton’s strawberries* This is a stobbery.

Patton: It’s okay. I know you’re in a jam right now.

Roman: *dreamily* Jam… Mmm...

Logan: *curls protectively around strawberry Crofters* No.

~

Patton: I think we lost Logan.

Virgil: How are we going to find him? There are so many people around.

Roman: *yelling into crowd* Ay yo, bitches! Guess who got Crofters?

Logan: *appears immediately behind him* Crofters?

~

Janus: I love Crofters as much as the next person but-

Patton: No you don’t.

Janus: What?

Patton: *points to Logan and Roman on either side of Janus* Either of them is the next person and I don’t think you love Crofters nearly as much as those two.

Logan: Damn straight.

Roman: Damn gay.

~

Emile & Patton: *playing video games*

Emile: You’re toast!

Patton: No, you’re toast! Better get the jam ready!

Roman: What even are these insults?

Logan: *dead serious* Jam isn’t an insult. 

Roman: Unless it’s Smuckers.

Logan: Obviously. This is a Crofters household.

~

Patton & Virgil: *at the store*

Patton: *holding up phone*

Virgil: What are you doing?

Patton: Taking a picture of all this Crofters.

Virgil: Your flash is on. Everyone just saw you being weird.

Patton: ...

Virgil: Delete that picture so Logan and Roman never make us come back here.

Patton: On it.

~

Logan: Crofters.

Roman: Crofters.

Remy: I’m so confused.

Virgil: Shush, this is just a thing they do sometimes.

~

Logan: *gags*

Patton: Are you okay?

Logan: There’s fake jelly in this doughnut.

Patton: *crosses store name off list* Never going back there then.

~

Brian: I don’t really see what all the fuss is about Crofters.

Logan: WHAT?!

Brian: *confused*

Remus: Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Remy: Oh, gurl, you better run.

Brian: …?

Logan: *war cry*

Brian: *takes off running*

~

Virgil: *slips*

Janus: Are you okay?

Virgil: Why the fuck is there CROFERS ON THE FLOOR?!

Remus: *runs in* I’ll lick it up!

Roman: *body slams him* No! It’s mine!

Remus: You don’t even like floor jam!

Roman: It’s Crofters!

Janus: *staring at Virgil* What have you done?

Virgil: Help me up before they start licking me, you asshole!

~

Roman: It makes me sad when people forget I love Crofters too.

Logan: No one has forgotten, they just don’t care.

Roman: *sad Princey noises*

~

Virgil & Remus: *outside*

Janus: What are you doing?

Virgil: Bonding by throwing the fake jelly doughnuts at Roman’s window.

Janus: Okay, carry on.

~

Remus: *rolling in Crofters on the kitchen floor shirtless*

Virgil: What are you doing?

Remus: Trying to seduce Logan.

Virgil: Honestly, that’s probably work. Janus, get the hose. We can’t let this happen again.

Janus: On it.

~

Virgil: Janus, get the vaseline. Logan got his face stuck in a jar.

Janus: Again?

Virgil: Yeah. Can you hurry it up? I think he’s going to pass out soon.

Janus: *sighs and gets up* Fine.


	69. Set LXIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 69! I was going to do something cool but I had to switch chapter 66 and chapter 69 because I wanted to make some Incorrect Quotes about current events at the time. 
> 
> Also happy Spooky Season! I resumed by Spooktober writing challenge from last year on my FFN account if you want to check that out. It's Ben 10, not Sanders Sides, so chances are no but I can't pass up to opportunity to mention my other fanfic account :)

Remus: *flapping lip* Ptthhp thhhhhp phhht.

Janus: *ignoring him*

Remus: Oh shit.

Janus: What?

Remus: I’VE GAINED INTELLIGENCE!

Janus: No. You definitely haven’t.

Remus: Pretty sure I have.

Janus: Well, it’s all downhill from here. Good luck, man.

~

Janus: There’s nothing funnier than a large cat taking out a small child.

Patton: *tackles Logan*

Janus: I stand corrected.

~

Remus: I have done everything wrong in my life.

Patton: *hugging him* I know this and I love you.

~

Remus: *yeets octopus*

Janus: *yeets snake*

Virgil: *yeets cat*

Roman: You can’t use your children as projectiles!

~

Remus: *belting* I’m a garbage man! In a garbage caaaan!

Remus: *sits down* I’m kind of spastic. It’s fantastic.

Remus: *leans over couch seductively* You can smell my hair. Undress me anywhere.

Remus: *slides onto couch next to Virgil* Imagina-

Virgil: Stop.

~

Virgil & Roman: *scream fighting*

Logan: I believe it’s time for a recess.

Virgil: Prepare to get rekt in kickball, bitch!

Logan: Not that kind of recess.

Roman: Are you ready to get out hula hooped, son?

Logan: No. No, not that that kind of recess.

Remus: *breaks baseball bat over knee* I’m on Virgil’s team! 

Logan: Patton, help.

~

Patton: What’s normal cake?

Logan: What?

Patton: I just asked Remy what his favorite kind of cake is and he said normal cake and I don’t know what it means.

~

Janus: Anyone want to rob a bank?

Virgil: I’m down. Text me the details. 

Janus: I don’t text when heisting. I communicate only by messenger pigeons.

Virgil: Okay… Send over your messenger pigeon then.

Janus: *snaps fingers*

Remus: *runs in covered in feathers* Caw bitch.

~

Virgil: Goats are better than swings but swings are the sheer essence of childhood which puts them on par with those door stoppers everyone loves flicking, or at least they would be if potato chip bags slowly didn’t gain more and more air over time.

Logan: … Your logic astounds me.

Remy: Fuck you bitch, his logic is flawless.

~

Logan: I want all of you to all share one token of knowledge with Patton. I’m attempting to expand his mental horizons as to-

Remus: Frozen bananas are practically weapons.

Logan: … Nevermind.

Roman: No, he’s right. He put two bananas in the freezer for two months and then stuck them both down my shirt and under my armpits. It burned so much. I was practically paralyzed until he pulled them out.

Logan: *blinking* I said nevermind.

Patton: *taking notes* Bananas....

~

Virgil: How do you keep Thomas eating out of your hand? He barely listens to me anymore.

Remy: The secret is being sleep deprived, hungry, confused, and lost at all times.

Virgil: You or Thomas?

Remy: Honestly I don’t know. I have no idea what I’m doing but it’s working so I’m rolling with it. I like keeping him guessing.

Virgil: Smart.

~

Logan: Did you know the South Pole has 24 time zones?

Roman: No. Why would I ever need to know that?

Logan: In case you ever went to the South Pole.

Virgil: Duh.

~

Logan: Patton? Are you alright in there? It’s been forty three minutes.

Patton: *sitting in the shower* The shampoo bottle keeps trying to kill itself and I don’t know what to do!

Logan: What?

Virgil: *appears* Oh yeah, my bad. Yesterday I spent fifteen minutes telling it about my problems and now it keeps yeeting itself off the ledge.

~

Janus: *ordering* Some wine for me and a… juice box for him.

Remus: Janus, we’re the same age. I can order my own juice box.

~

Janus: *clearly lying* Only straight people can see their shadows.

Roman: *frantically looking at the ground* I can see my shadow. What does this mean?

Patton: *sees shadow and screams* Something’s following me!

Emile: *confused*

Remy: Bitch, what?

Virgil: *knows Janus is lying but is having an identity crisis anyway*

Logan: *unaffected* I know you’re lying.

Remus: *screams and stabs his shadow* Die!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who has a consultation to get HRT at the end of the month? *points at self* This guy!


	70. Set LXX

Skitter Steve: *stretches*

Patton: Oh big stretch.

Janus:

Patton: Janus…

Janus: What?

Patton: You legally have to say “oh big stretch” when a cat stretches.

Janus: *sighs* Fine. Oh big stretch. Happy?

Patton: Thank you.

~

Virgil: *opening and closing fridge*

Logan: New food isn’t going to appear, Virgil.

Virgil: I’m not expecting it to. I’m just waiting for my standards to drop enough for something to look appealing.

~

Patton: Anyone want cookies?

Emile: Cookies are always good.

Remy: Unless they’re bad. I’ll take five.

~

_ Roman & Virgil- _

Roman: Did it hurt?

Virgil: Yes.

Roman: You didn’t even wait for the from heaven part.

Virgil: I know what I said.

_ Remus & Janus- _

Remus: *copying Roman* Did it hurt?

Janus: When I scraped my knees crawling out of hell? Yes. Yes it did.

Remus: *beaming* I knew there was a reason we were friends!

~

Patton: Can someone get me a toothbrush?

Virgil: *walks in* I’ve got a normal toothbrush and a kids toothbrush. Which do you want?

Patton: *holding Remus’s mouth open* Let him pick.

Remus: GREEN!

Virgil: Um… We have blue and Dora the Explorer. 

Remus: DORA!

~

Remus: Boob karate chop!

Janus:

Remus:

Janus: Did you just slap my pec?

Remus: Is that what a man boob is called? 

Janus: Yeah.

Remus: Then yes. Yes I did.

~

Virgil: Hey you. Yes you. You’re a dumb bitch.

Patton: *scolding* Virgil!

Virgil: … Who deserves all the love in the world.

Patton: *smiling proudly* I raised that boy.

~

Patton: You used me!

Logan: ?

Skitter Steve: *runs out of kitchen with a cookie*

Patton: *collapses*

Logan: *runs to get Patton’s cat allergy medicine* 

~

Skitter Steve: *sitting in the middle of the hallway*

Roman: *holding Patton back, brandishing a sword at the cat* Move you fool!

~

Roman: I have a zit.

Logan: I just bought these acne patches. If you put one on the acne and leave it for a few hours, it will dry right up.

Virgil: Don’t give them to Roman! His whole head will shrivel up into a raisin!

Roman: *offended Princey noises*

~

Virgil: Patton’s like that gif of Kermit holding a gun.

Roman: And?

Virgil: Nothing else. I just wanted to share.

~

Roman: Why is Patton walking around flipping everyone off?

Logan: He has a rash on his finger and he’s trying to keep it from getting irritated.

Roman: Oh. Okay.

~

Virgil: Patton has a mood ring.

Janus: *visible terror* You pack the bags, I’ll get Remus into his car seat. You have 15 minutes.

Virgil: Already started packing.

~

Roman: My ears!

Remus: Our ears.

Roman: What?

Remus: Communism.

~

Hector: *swipes tentacle across the table*

Patton: *fumbling* My juice box!


	71. Set LXXI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of Incorrect Quotes are recycled in different fandoms. I never copy directly but these all were ones I came up while binge reading @incorrectbuko’s tweets. They are unique, not copied, just inspired.

Patton: Ow! My armkle!

Logan: What?

Roman: His wrist.

~

Janus & Remus: *fighting*

Janus: Just take your things and go!

Remus: Fine!

Remus: *picks up Janus and walks out of the room*

Janus: …

~

Remus: Woooooggggiiiiii aaaaaaaaaa

Virgil: Please. Shut up.

Logan: I have this handled. I will, as you call it, assert my dominance

Logan: WWWWAAAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOWWWEEEEEEEEE

Virgil:

Remus: Okay fine I’m sorry.

~

Janus: Can I be frank with you?

Roman: I don’t see how changing your name would help anything but sure.

Patton: Can I still be Patton?

Roman: Shush, let Frank speak.

~

Virgil: Are you seeing anyone?

Roman: *blushing* N-no. Why?

Virgil: idk, I think a therapist would be good for you.

~

_ Patton & Emile- _

Patton: Remember that one time we saw that cat?

Emile: Remember that one time we watched Gravity Falls all in one sitting?

_ Roman & Virgil- _

Roman: Remember that one time I slapped you?

Virgil: Remember that one time I kicked you in the face?

_ Janus & Remus- _

Janus: Remember that one time I convinced you eggs weren’t real?

Remus: Yeah, I had a meltdown and put three dozen eggs down my pants.

~

Patton: I can’t cook tonight. Can one of you take over?

Logan: I can.

Sides: *freeze*

Remus: Is that a threat?

Logan: Do you think I’m a bad cook?

Virgil: *leans forward* Logan, buddy,  _ Remus _ asked if  _ your cooking _ was a  _ threat _ . What do you think that means?

~

Patton: Hey Lo-

Logan: *holds up finger* Wait. I’m reading the Terms of Service for this news website.

Patton: *twiddles fingers quietly, waiting for him to finish*

~

Virgil: I need some serotonin.

Patton: *gets up and runs off* On it!

Virgil: Patton, serotonin isn’t something you can- Oh. He’s already gone.

~

Remus: *breaks Roman’s arm*

Roman: *screaming*

Janus: Remus!

Remus: For the record, this isn’t my fault. I barely hit him with that baseball bat. No way his bones should’ve broken that easily. He should’ve drank more milk.

Roman: *on the floor* I’m lactose intolerant, you bitch!

Remus: *squats over him and begins pouring out milk cartons on his face* Soy milk! Almond milk! Cashew milk! Possibly goat milk! I’m not sure about that last one but you’re drinking it anyway!

Roman: *screaming*

Janus: *gives up*

~

Roman: *does one squat* Alright! Ready to kick Remus’s balls off.

Virgil: Do another squat.

Roman: No. I'm ready now.

Virgil: After one squat?

~

Roman: When I was born, angels came down from heaven and sang.

Remus: I wasn’t born. I followed them home from McDonalds at 3 am and never left.

~

Logan: You can’t steal food from a bear’s den.

Remus: Janus? Is there science supporting that?

Janus: No.

Remus: Then you can’t stop me.

~

Remus: I have an idea.

Janus: *kicks down door* No, you don’t.

Remus: Yes, I do.

Janus: *gets close and whispers in his ear* No, you don’t.

Remus: No, I don’t.

Virgil: What did I just witness?

~

Patton: *peeling a banana* May I take your jacket, sir?

Virgil: Why do you think the banana’s a sir?

Patton: ...

Virgil: lol, jk. Bananas are all dudes.

Patton: Really? How come?

Virgil: 

Virgil: Because… *gestures* y’know…

Patton: *visible confusion*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new Asides episode came out today! I had a doctor's appointment this morning and I had time to watch it before I left but I did a dumb and messed up the time zone conversion and ended up having to watch half of it when I got home. But it was an amazing episode!
> 
> Also there's a new chapter of my Ben 10/ Sanders Sides crossover Voiceless so go check that out if you're interested. And while I'm shamelessly promoting my own fics I may as well mention that I am now crossposting some of my fics from my ao3 account to my FFN account. If you didn't know, my FFN account has over 20 stories that aren't posted here so if you like my writing, feel free to check it out. My username is the same both here and on FFN.


	72. Set LXXII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same disclaimer as last time
> 
> Also I think we broke 50K words last chapter

Remus: Build-A-Bear exists to get kids interested in taxidermy.

Roman: *covers Patton’s ears* Brother. Why?

~

Roman: How are you?

Virgil: Depressed

Virgil: Sorry, I meant driving. I don’t know how the autocorrect messed that up so bad

Roman: Virgil, we're not texting...

~

Remus: Out there right now is the tree your coffin will be carved from.

Janus: Bold of you to assume my body will be found.

~

Patton: I bet you’re wondering why I called you here today. Some people in this room are not getting along with other people in this room and we’re here to settle this.

Roman: Why are you being so vague?

Remus: Yeah. Roman and I are the only ones here.

~

Virgil: I bet you’re wondering why I called you here today. 

Remus: Some people in this room are not getting along with other people in this room and we’re here to talk it out.

Harold & Skitter: Mew.

Virgil & Remus: But you two are just too cute!

~

Remus: Vibe check!

Janus: Wait no.

Remus: *body slams him*

~

Remus: *caterwauling*

Janus: Remus! What the hell?!

Remus: Oh, so only roosters are allowed to start the day screaming?

~

Roman: *enters room* I have to gay.

Virgil: ?

Roman: I mean go.

Virgil: Don’t pretend like that was an accident.

~

Janus: Sitting on a rock in the warm sunlight… That’s the good stuff.

Virgil: What are you, a reptile?

Janus: Are you a cop? Buzz off.

~

Roman: I’d hire an assassin just to get rid of you.

Remus: *beams*

Roman: Just to be clear, this is a threat, not a compliment. 

Remus: *still smiling* Right.

~

Logan: Why would you eat ice cream? You’re lactose intolerant.

Roman: I thought if I ate it really fast my body wouldn’t notice.

~

Patton: *carrying groceries in both hands*

Logan: *reaches to help*

Patton: *switches all the groceries to one hand and holds Logan’s hand*

Logan: I- um, what?

Roman: *dives in and grabs the groceries before Patton can drop them*

Virgil: *dives in and high fives Patton*

Logan: What just happened?

Janus: *sitting on the hood of the car* Teamwork, fool.

~

Virgil: One of my biggest fears… If I woke up as a piece of toast…

Roman: You’d eat yourself? 

Virgil: No question. I wouldn’t even take the time to butter myself and that scares me deeply.

~

Roman: You’re so mean.

Virgil: :p

Roman: Do it more.

~

Janus: You got us into this mess.

Remus: And I’ll be the one to get us much, much deeper into this mess.


	73. Set LXXIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same disclaimer as last time

Janus: Don’t fear death. Fear the state you’ll die in.

Remus: *whispering* Canada.

Janus: Canada isn’t a state and we don’t live there. We live in Florida.

Remus: Florida? Oh that makes so much more sense. Yeah, everyone should fear Florida.

~

Roman: Virgil, I have something to tell you. I’m gay.

Virgil: I know. That’s how you end every phone call.

~

Remus: I made you tea!

Patton: *pretending to enjoy it* Oh! What kind of tea is this?

Remus: Boiled gatorade!

Patton: Oh that’s why it’s blue.

~

Patton: Spider!

Roman: *traps spider under cup*

Remus: *appears with an identical cup*

Patton: No!

Remus: *starts shuffling cups*

~

Remus: *fighting an imaginary opponent naked on the kitchen counter*

Logan & Virgil: *ducking behind the couch*

Logan: How do we stop him?

Virgil: I’m skipping a Spanish lesson on his phone. Maybe the duolingo owl will come beat him up.

~

Remus & Roman: *fighting*

Roman: What are you going to do? Sab me?

Remus: *stabs*

Roman: *looks down* Okay, I was basically asking for that.

~

Roman: What are you two doing?

Logan: *looks up from phone* We’re trying to learn Spanish. See? Virgil, say something.

Virgil: Pero estoy muy embarazado.

Roman: You just told me you were pregnant. 

Virgil: How the fuck do you say embarrassed? Because I’m that right now.

~

Remy: *grabs Virgil* Come on, gurl. We’re helping Thomas rewrite the rules of football tonight.

Virgil: *going along* I want everyone to get one brick at the beginning of the game and for there to be no other rules about it.

Remus: Chaotic. I like it.

~

Thomas: *reading* Rem’s criminal record? I don’t know who Rem is so both of you just answer.

Remy: Only crime I’m guilty of is killing it on the dance floor.

Remus: I have committed several homicides.

Thomas: *writing* I’ll just jot down both.

~

Roman: Do you remember when-

Virgil: I remember everything and have probably woken up screaming about whatever you’re talking about so yes.

~

Virgil: I just don’t feel like I matter.

Patton: Bold words for someone in hugging range.

~

Roman: I buy new clothes every few months depending on this season’s trends.

Virgil: I’ve worn the same hoodie for the past twelve years.

~

Logan: How often do you exercise?

Remy: Three.

Logan: Three what? Days a week? Times a month?

Remy: Three am.

Logan: *math lady face* What.

~

Logan: I think you owe someone an apology.

Virgil: I’ll apologize in hell!

Logan:

Virgil: I don’t actually know what I’m apologizing for. Sorry for yelling at you. You’re probably right about whatever I did. Unless Remus did it.

~

Remus: What’s happening?

Patton: Nine Sides want you dead right now, kiddo.

Remus: Oh. That sounds bad.

Patton: Yeah. I just said kiddo to soften the blow. Pack a bag. We’re getting you out of here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted this kind of late at night. I usually post in the afternoon. What time zone are you guys in? Any preference for when I update? The current system is just to get a couple weeks' worth of chapters backed up and update whenever I remember, assuming a few days have passed.


	74. Set LXXIV: 2000s Throwback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a minor crisis realizing that within the same generation not everyone has the same throwback music so I listened to a ton of 2000s throwbacks and decided to make a chapter about them. Obligatory disclaimer none of these songs are mine. Each one has a different song and I assume you know them all but if you want a title, just leave a comment telling me which one you don’t recognize and I can tell you.

Roman: *singing* I crashed my car into the bridge!

Thomas: *joining in* I don’t care! I love it!

Roman: Oh really? I thought you’d be mad.

Thomas: Wait, what?

~

Roman: *singing* Fergalicious def-, fergalicious def-, fergalicious def-

Logan: Please finish your sentences. 

Remus: *starts dancing on Logan* So delicious aye, aye, aye, aye. So delicious aye, aye, aye, aye. 

Logan: What is happening?

Roman: I'm Fergalicious 

Remus: T-t-t-t-t-tasty tasty.

Logan: …

Roman: *starts dancing on Logan’s other side* T to the A, to the S T E Y, girl, you tasty

T to the A, to the S T E Y, girl, you tasty. T to the A, to the, to the, to the, to the four, tres, two, uno…

Remus: To the D to the E to the L I C I O U S. To the D to the E to the L I C I O U S. To the D to the E to the L I C I O U S. To the D to the E to the, to the, to the, to the, to the four, tres, two, uno

Logan: I’m leaving.

~

Janus: *singing* Baby I’m sorry! I’m not sorry! Baby I’m sorry! I’m not sorry!

Patton: *watching, smiling* I am so confused.

~

Patton: I’m at a payphone trying to call home…

Logan: *hands cell phone* Don’t waste your change. I have Roman dialed up for you. He can give you whatever you need.

~

Janus: *singing* I know what you came here to see. If you're a freak, then ya coming home with me and I know what you came here to do. Now bust it open let me see you get low.

Roman: *joining in* It's going down for real. It's going down for real. It's going down for real.

Virgil: *joining in* Your girl just kissed a girl. I do bi chicks. Shake for- Wait, I just realized this song is fetishizing bisexual women and that’s not okay. We should probably stop singing this song and erase it from our memories.

Roman: Agreed.

Janus: *rubbing sponge on tongue* I really liked that song. How did I never realize?

~

Emile: What do we say when this kind of thing happens?

Roman: You’re toxic.

Emile: Right.

Roman: … I’m slippin’ under…

Emile: No. Roman, this is a therapy session, not a-

Roman: *jumps up, belting* With a taste of a poison paradise!

~

Logan: *rapping* Life is no Nintendo game, but you lied again. Now you get to watch her leave. Out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane.

Virgil: *on the ground screaming* Why didn’t I know how clever that line is until now?!

~

Remy: *flirtatiously dancing* Hell yea. Drink it up, drink-drink it up,. These sober gurls around me, they be actin' like they drunk. They be actin' like they drunk, actin'-actin' like they drunk. When sober gurls around me they be actin'-actin' like they drunk!

Patton: *trying to copy Remy, lyrics pulled up on phone* Poppin' bottles in the ice, like a blizzard. When we drink, we do it right gettin' slizzard.

Logan: What is happening?

Virgil: I don’t know and I don’t like it.

~

Remus: *dancing in front of Logan* You spin my head right round, right round. When you go down, when you go down down. You spin my head right round, right round. When you go down, when you go down down.

Remy: *joining in* Hey, walk out that house with my swagger. Hop in there with dough, I got places to go!. People to see, time is precious. I looked at my cotty, are ya out of control?

Logan: … This looks dangerous. I’m going to leave.

Remy: Probably a good idea, gurl.

~

Roman: *blasting music in the kitchen, jamming*

Patton: *trying to sing along*

Virgil: Do you know who this is?

Patton: It’s Brittney, bitch.

Virgil: No. No, it’s not. 

~

Remus: I want to scream and shout and let it all out.

Janus: Wait no-

Remus: AAAAAAAAAA

~

Remus: I took a pill in Ibiza.

Patton: I don’t know where Ibiza is but that does not sound safe. I’m taking you to the doctor.

Remus: Wait no.

~

Remus: You think I’m pretty without any makeup on?

Janus: *looks up* Oh god. What happened to your face?

Remus: I licked my eyeshadow off.

Janus: How?

Remus: *shrugs*

~

Roman: *drawing in the driveway with chalk*

Remus: *blasts drawing with hose*

Roman: *screams* My rainbow!

Remus: >:D

Roman: Honestly I can’t even be mad. Blurred lines on a rainbow makes the gay more realistic anyway.

Remus: >:[   
~

Roman: I think I’ve found myself a cheerleader. She’s always right there when I need her…

Patton: You’re doing great, Roman!

Roman: Thanks, Patton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of these straight (gay) up aren't funny and I'm sorry for that. I just needed to fill up space so some of them are just the sides singing. I think there were a few clever ones in there though


	75. Set LXXV: Roman's Puppies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roman conjures three puppies in the Sanders Sides series. He’s going to have three puppies in this but they’re not necessarily the ones that show up in the episode. I’m picturing a frenchie, a toy poodle, and a golden but the breed doesn’t actually matter so feel free to make you own headcanon. Their names are also unimportant. I usually only refer to the Sides’ pets names in dialogue anyway. If you guys want to rename or decide the species of the dogs, leave a comment and I might make some changes.

Patton: I want a pet.

Logan: You can’t have a pet. Only the Dark Sides have pets.

Patton: But Roman has pets.

Logan: What?

Roman: *summons puppies and grins innocently*

Logan: *sighs*

~

Virgil: *looking at Roman’s puppies* What are their names?

Roman: Well this is Eric and that’s Iris and this guy’s name is Steven.

Virgil: Did you say Steven?

Roman: I call him Steve for short.

Skitter Steve: *yeets self at puppy*

Roman: *screaming* Steve!

Virgil: Steve no!

Roman: Steve!

Virgil: Steve! Stop that!

Janus: *sinks out*

~

Remy: So then I slapped her in the face-

Toby: What are you doing?

Remy: *sitting with dog* Painting Iris’s toenails and having some girl time. Duh.

~

Dog: *body slams Logan*

Logan: *looks down* 

Dog: *attacks Logan’s knees*

Logan: This would be a lot scarier if you were any larger than an American football.

~

Virgil: What happened?

Patton: *tangled up in a leash* I was saying hi to Eric and he ran in a circle around me really fast and now I can’t move my legs and he’s stuck.

Virgil: *sighs*

~

Janus: Your dog is pooping.

Roman: I see it. Can you keep him away from it while I clean it up?

Janus: Sure.

Roman: *picking up dog poop*

Janus: Your dog is pooping again but by Remus this time.

Roman: Can you keep Remus away from it?

Janus: Sure.

~

Patton: *holding Iris and Steven*

Roman: Stop trying to make my dogs kiss!

Remy: *picks up Eric* At least make it gay!

~

Virgil: The best part about big dogs is that when they fall down they’re just total bros. Like, they just roll over like they meant to do that.

Patton: Don’t little dogs do that?

Virgil: No. Little dogs immediately try to destroy you even if you weren’t the one that pushed them over. 

~

Skitter Steve: *standing on Steven’s back*

Remy: *recording* No one’s ever going to believe this happened.

~

Dog: *running around with something in his mouth*

Patton: Aww. That’s so cute.

Roman: What’s in your mouth? What’s in your mouth?!

Logan: *glancing over* It looks like… a bra?

Roman: *pulling it out of his mouth* How the fuck did you get one of these? 

~

Patton & Emile: *watching puppies*

Patton: Do you think they know how much we love them?

Emile: Well, a canine’s psychology-

Patton: *looks up at him with big eyes*

Emile: Um… Yes. Yeah, I think they know how much we love them.

~

Patton: Shake.

Dog:

Patton: Shake.

Dog:

Roman: Patton, she doesn’t know how to-

Dog: *offers paw and shakes*

Patton: :)

Roman: ???

~

Roman: Where did that crash come from?

Nate: Janus tried handing me a dog but I was too slow and he fell down the stairs.

Roman: You dropped one of my dogs down the stairs?!

Nate: Of course not. Janus fell down the stairs….

Roman: Oh.

Nate: …first. Iris landed on top of him.

Roman: How?!

Nate: *mumbling* I dunno.

~

Virgil & Janus: *sitting on couch*

Dog: *wrestling dog bed*

Virgil: How is he losing?

Janus: I really don’t know.

~

Dog: *stretches*

Patton & Janus: Oh big stretch.

Patton: *excited* You said it! You said the thing!

Janus: *hiding behind hat* No, I didn’t.


	76. Set LXXVI: Among Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know how many quotes can be made from one game but there’s an insane amount of Among Us discussion, content, and art to go off of. Honestly I think the game’s really good. I normally don’t hop on bandwagons but the concept is so good.
> 
> I wrote this chapter and the author's note when the game first came out. Can safely say I like it now.

Thomas: I made a friend!

Logan: A real friend or a random Among Us player?

Thomas: The second one…?

Logan: *sighs* Virgil, I need you to slap some sense into Thomas.

Virgil: *looks up from phone* Hmm? What’s up? I was talking to my new friend in ghost chat.

~

Patton: *sobbing*

Janus: *alarmed* Are you okay?

Virgil: He was just looking at Among Us fanart.

Janus: The weird stuff or the sad stuff?

Virgil: Sad stuff.

Patton: *clutching phone* I’m your new dad now, kiddo.

~

Logan: So what’s this “Among Us” business? It’s all Patton’s talking about these days.

Remus: You’re on a spaceship and survive but one dude is trying to kill everyone else.

Janus: The imposter’s job is to kill everyone else and the rest of the crew is trying to find him but no one can trust each other.

Logan: …

Virgil: I know murder and impostering sounds really Remusy and Janusy but that’s actually the game, Logan.

Logan: *sighs* And you let Patton play this?

~

Emile: I heard you started playing Among Us?

Logan: Shut up. I’m the imposter and I’ve killed seven of my crewmates.

Emile: Sorry. I won’t distract you.

~

Dark Sides: *playing*

Virgil: Dead body! Just saw a kill on cams.

Janus: Again? Quit interrupting my tasks. This whole thing could’ve been an email.

Virgil: I saw pink kill Remus in the hallway.

Janus: *yellow character running to cafeteria* I’m calling a meeting and we’re nailing that S.O.B!

~

Janus: Why are you wearing a green suit? And why do you have a toilet plunger on your head? And why is Harold strapped around your waist like that?

Remus: I’m the imposter.

Janus: Ah. I should be running, shouldn’t I?

Remus: Probably.

~

Virgil: What are you doing?

Roman: Reorganizing the MindPalace to match my favorite Among Us map.

Virgil: Okay carry on. Then maybe Patton will stop getting lost.

Roman: Patton will get lost no matter where you put him.

~

Toby: Why do I hear crashing noises?

Roman: Remus, what did you do?

Remus: Why do you think I did anything?

Roman: What did you do?!

Remus: … I set Skitter loose in the vents.

Roman: We’re all going to die.

~

Patton: Can we call an emergency meeting to just talk about our feelings?

Janus: No need. We can just go hug in electrical.

Patton :D

Sides: Patton, no.

~

Virgil: *screaming*

Logan: Is this about this stupid game again?

Virgil: Yes! Roman and I were the imposters and we were alone in electrical with Janus. I killed Janus, vented out, then Roman reported and said I killed him! 

Roman: *walks in* You ratted me out! They ejected me after you!

Virgil: You threw me under the bus! We were on the same team!

Logan: *backs out slowly*

~

Remus: Amoongusssss.

Virgil: It’s Among Us.

Janus: I think he’s talking about the pokemon.

Remus: Amoonguss.

Virgil: I can’t tell. I really have no idea.

Janus: Me neither. He could be talking about both. I wouldn’t put it past him.

Remus: *smirking* Amoongusssss.

~

Roman: Some fucker took my color!

Logan: Just pick another color.

Roman: *offended Princey noises* I can’t do that. Red is literally my entire identity. In real life and in game.

~

Roman: Everyone know the rules for Hide and Seek?

Logan: Imposter has minimum vision.

Patton: Crewmates have maximum vision.

Virgil: Imposter has to wait until the kill cooldown is over before moving from spawn.

Remus: No reporting bodies.

Janus: No sabotage.

Roman: Okay, I’m starting the game.

_ 30 seconds later _

Roman: WHO CALLED AN EMERGENCY MEETING?! I HAD ONE SECOND LEFT ON A DOWNLOAD!

Patton: Sorry.

~

Janus: *puts hands on Patton’s shoulders* I need to tell you something important.

Patton: What is it?

Janus: Stop calling emergency meetings and erasing the bodies!

Patton: But my character’s child helped him with a task and I wanted to share!

Janus: *screams into hat*

~

Roman: Guys, I have a confession.

Virgil: You’re the imposter? You’ve been acting really sus.

Roman: No, here’s the thing. I’ve been faking tasks but I’m not the imposter. I just zoned out really hard and my brain went on autopilot.

Virgil: *sighs* We’re going to lose because of you.

Roman: I know and I'm sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The one about Roman reporting Virgil and ratting him out actually happened. I am the saltiest boi
> 
> Happy Ace Week guys! And happy Halloween! I was going to write some stuff in light of these events but as you can see *vaguely gestures to my account* I have not been writing much lately. I have a lot of school work and I've just been procrastinating university applications real hard. I'll starts writing again eventually but in the mean time Incorrect Quotes take zero effort.
> 
> I was planning on this just kind of being one of those never ending fics but I am considering stopping it after 100 chapters and starting a continuation as a separate story or possibly switching to another fandom. Not really sure. I don't really go through with plans I write in author's notes. Do you guys want this fic to be never ending, me to continue this fic as a separate story, or for me to explore other fandoms in this style (not necessarily stop Sanders Sides though)?


	77. Set LXXVII: Sides Play Real Life Among Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Among Us chapter. This chapter is 100% crack. Magenta (the printer) died in chapter 53 and the Sides are investigating his murder in this chapter Among Us style.

Toby: I just found Magenta’s body!

Virgil: Where?

Toby: You know that closet down the hall no one goes into? I just walked into there and found him.

Virgil: Wait, what map are you talking about?

Toby:

Virgil: What?

Toby: Virgil, I’m talking about real life, not Among Us. A man was killed in our own home.

Virgil: Oh god.

~

Virgil: Emergency meeting! Everyone in the commons now! Toby and I just found Magenta dead in the closet! 

Toby: I found it and Virgil had a bit of a breakdown when he saw it so we know it wasn’t either of us. That leaves Roman, Logan, Patton, Remus, Janus, Remy, Emile, Toby, and Nate as suspects.

Logan: So many hours of Among Us… This is what we’ve been training for.

Virgil: Logan! A man is dead! Take this seriously!

Logan: We’re talking about the printer.

Virgil: A man, Logan! A man is dead!

~

Toby: The body was pretty old when I found it. It must’ve happened in the last month or two. Who was the last to see Magenta?

Logan: I saw Patton trying to make Magenta and Mike kiss a few weeks ago.

Remus: The printer and the microwave, Patton? Really?

Patton: I thought it’d be cute.

Remus: Kinky.

Roman: I vote Remus. I do not want to listen to him.

Remus: *disappears*

Skitter Steve: *narrator voice* Remus was not the imposter.

Sides: 0_0

Toby: I am very afraid.

~

Roman: *whispering* What are we going to do?

Patton: *whispering back* What do you mean we? You killed him!

Roman: You were involved! And you didn’t tell anyone! That makes us both the imposter!

Skitter Steve: *narrator voice* There are still two imposters remaining.

Roman: *whisper screaming* How is the cat speaking?!

~

Virgil: Just for clarification… was Magenta an actual Side or was he a literal machine? I didn’t really know him. All I know is that he was a printer.

Emile: He was both.

Virgil: Like a cyborg?

Emile: In spirit, yes. A man and a printer.

Nate: How does Emile know so much about Magenta?

Roman: Sus! Emile plotted homicide! Everyone vote!

Emile: *disappears*

Skitter Steve: *narrator voice* Emile Picani was not the imposter. Two imposters remain.

~

Remy & Janus: *wandering*

Toby: What are you doing?

Janus: Looking for Emile and Remus. They couldn’t have just disappeared into thin air.

Nate: Remy and Janus could be working together to hunt us down.

Virgil: Two man team? Maybe. Skitter did say there were two imposters. Everyone vote.

Remy: Come on, this is ridiculous. 

Janus: Finding Remus and Emile is more important.

Skitter Steve: *narrator voice* Tie. No one was ejected. Two imposters remain.

Remy & Janus: THEY’RE GETTING EJECTED?!

Roman: How is that more frightening than a talking cat?

~

Janus: *holding snake* If I get taken out, I need you to watch over Harold. Hold onto hope for the both of you. I promise, Remus and I would never abandon you.

Virgil: *watching in tears, holding cat* Okay, it’s definitely not Janus.

~

Roman: We need to take out Janus.

Patton: What?

Roman: Patton, think. Janus is one of the smartest Sides but he doesn’t get lost in these games like Logan or Emile. He’s going to figure it out.

Patton: But he has a kiddo!

Roman: The snake will be fine! 

Remy: *watching from behind the door* Oh my god.

~

Remy: Emergency meeting! I heard Patton and Roman talking about killing Janus!

Janus: WHAT?!

Patton: *nervously* Yeah, what?

Roman: How dare you accuse me, a prince, and Patton, a father figure, of such things? You should be ashamed of yourself!

Nate: *calling across room* Sus!

Virgil: Who are you calling sus?

Nate: *gestures vaguely*

Virgil: Fair.

~

Remy: I’m telling you. It was Roman and Patton.

Logan: Roman I can understand- the body was found cut clean through- but Patton?

Roman: Yeah! He’s such a little puffba- Wait. What were you saying about me?

Nate: Voting Roman!

Roman: Me? Vote Remy! He called the meeting!

Nate: Voting Remy! 

Virgil: I’m getting so many mixed signals.

Patton: I’m so confused.

Nate: Honestly I don’t even know how to vote. I’m just saying I’m voting and things are happening but I really have no idea if I’m contributing. Maybe we should just skip voting for now?

Remy: No! It was Patton and Roman!

Roman: Voting Remy!

Remy: *disappears*

Skitter Steve: *narrator voice* Remy was not the imposter. Two imposters remain.

Janus: *eyes Roman and Patton* I need to get out of here.

~

Toby: The only suspects left are Roman, Janus, Patton, Nate, and Logan. All of you, present your cases now.

Logan: We don’t know when the crime occurred so none of us have alibis.

Toby: Oh true. My bad.

~

Roman: Emergency meeting!

Janus: Again?

Roman: It was Janus!

Janus: *holding octopus and snake* Think of the children!

Patton: *looking down* I’m sorry Dee but I think you’re the only one here capable of doing something like this.

Nate: Patton not thinking about the children? Sus!

Logan: Indeed. That is quite suspicious.

Roman: *whisper screaming* Patton, what have you done?

~

Toby: So we’re voting Patton?

Patton: What? Kiddos, it’s me.

Virgil: This doesn’t feel right.

Roman: Listen to Virgil! It couldn’t be Patton!

Nate: Everyone just vote!

Patton: *disappears*

Skitter Steve: *narrator voice* Patton was an imposter. One imposter remains.

Sides: *look at Roman* 

Roman: *chuckles nervously*

~

Skitter Steve: *narrator voice* Both imposters have been found. All players return to commons.

Roman: Is the cat going to stop talking now?

Toby: You were just found guilty of murder and you’re still worried about the cat?

Roman: You know how terrifying that thing is, Toby.

Toby: I really do. Virgil, can you put him in another room for a sec while we all talk this over? Skitter’s going to give me nightmares for months over just this alone.

Virgil: This? And not the murder? Are you guys really that afraid of him?

Toby & Roman: Yes.

~

Logan: Why did you do it?

Patton: I had to! Roman killed him right in front of me and I couldn’t throw my kiddo under the bus.

Roman: Wow. He made you cry! I was protecting you!

Virgil: Okay, that I can actually kind of understand.

Janus: I suppose I can’t be upset about that.

Nate: So we’re forgiving everything? I’m down for that.

Logan: Wait, there was a bus involved?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments in response to the question in the last chapter. I think I'm going to stick to the original plan and just make this one of those never ending fics, though at some point I'm sure updates will become infrequent but I don't see that happening for awhile.
> 
> I'm working on a short fic written in the same style as my story Words so hopefully I'll post something soon.


	78. Set LXXVIII

Logan: *leaves room*

Patton: *immediately farts*

Virgil: Patton!

Patton: I’m sorry, I thought I was alone.

~

Remus: *picks up Virgil*

Virgil: *goes stiff*

Remus: Go flaccid again.

Virgil: Gross. Say go into noodle mode like a normal person.

~

Roman: *looks out window* Who’s this random midget man at our door?

Janus: The window’s open, you asshat. I can hear you.

Roman: Sorry.

~

Nate: Don’t do the thing. Too tired.

Thomas: Okay, I’ll sleep then. Maybe I can get a decent amount of sleep.

Remy: No, bitch. Party time.

Thomas: Then I’ll stay up and be productive.

Nate: No, idiot. Go to sleep.

Thomas: Logan! Virgil! Sleep and Procrastination are bullying me again!

~

Toby: I remember this one time in 2015 I was just having lunch and Roman just ran up to me and info dumped the meaning behind the lyrics of some random Twentyone Pilots song and now I just think about that whenever I hear the song.

Roman: Wow. That’s… um, embarrassing. Please purge that from your memory.

Toby: Too late.

~

Remus: *shoots Roman with nerf bullet* I’ve decided to start hunting for my meals.

Roman: You made me drop my lunch!

Remus: Well what do you expect me to eat? You?

Roman: It was soup! You can’t eat spilled soup!

Remus: *licks the floor* Watch me!

~

Roman: Hey Vi-

Virgil: Don’t talk to me.

Roman: What?

Virgil: I have three hours left on this free trial and I’m going to make the most of them.

~

Janus: *takes food off Roman’s plate*

Roman: Wha- Hey!

Virgil: *crawls out from under the table and steals plate*

Roman: I was gonna eat that! What’s gotten into you two?

Janus: Remus robbed both our snack stashes so we’re taking it out on you.

~

Patton: I don’t understand why old people use millenial or zoomer or anything like that as an insult.

Virgil: I know, right? We can’t choose when we’re born. Like, if it was up to me I wouldn’t be born at all.

Patton: ...You’re about to get hugged until you take that back, mister.

~

Patton: *holding cat like Simba* Long live the prince!

Roman: *offended princey noises*

Logan: *running to get Patton’s allergy pills*

~

Janus: Why are you holding a pipe?

Virgil: I promise I’m not going to hit you with it. I just saw it and thought damn, this is a good pipe. I want to hold it.

Janus: Fair.

~

Logan: What’s your favorite word?

Virgil, Roman, & Remus: Take out.

Logan: I’m surprised you all agree on something. May I ask why?

Virgil: Take out means food, dating, and murder.

Remus: Virgil is food, Roman is dating, and I’m murder!

Roman: See? It’s the perfect word!

~

Patton: Roman, you’re a genius!

Roman: Yeah, I get called that a lot.

Patton: A genius?

Roman: No. Roman.

~

Patton: Looking good, Roman!

Roman: I’m literally just wearing your clothes.

Patton: Is that what it is?

~

Logan: What are you doing?

Remus: I’m an intrusive thot!

Logan: You’re wearing a ball gown.

Remus: lol you said ball.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya boi had his first consultation for hrt which was awesome but university applications are due this month so I am stressed and procrastinating.


	79. Set LXXIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I updated yesterday but I just wanted to post today. More in the Author's Note at the end of the page
> 
> Happy birthday to Logan! Also it's election day. And best wishes to anyone in Vienna. I hope you're all alright.

Patton: Name one good reason I shouldn’t wear a cape.

Virgil: Capes are notorious for killing people.

Patton: It’ll be worth it.

~

Roman: Wait… I’m having de a vu.

Virgil: We literally do this every day, Roman.

~

Remus: OMJ!

Roman: Don’t you mean omg?

Remus: Janus is my new god.

Janus: …

Remus: *looks up at Janus* 

Janus: Thank you…?

~

Patton: *listening to music* This is my-

Logan: CROFTERS!

Patton: I was going to say jam.

Logan: This is a Crofters only household. No other word may be used.

~

Remus: What are you watching?

Emile: Avatar the Legend of Korra. It’s the sequel to Avatar the Last Airbender.

Remus: Can I watch?

_ Later _

Remus: *tackles Roman* 

Roman: *screams*

Remus: *clinging to him* It’s 24/7 Remus time!

~

Roman: The smell of my feet is offensive.

Logan: Then wash them.

Roman: How dare you tell me to wash my feet?

Logan: But you- *sighs* Nevermind.

~

Logan: Have you seen Remus?

Virgil: No but I can get him for you.

Logan: How can you get him if-

Virgil: *blows into kazoo* 

Remus: *appears* What’s up?

Logan: *unsure if he should be impressed or disappointed*

~

Patton: I’m doing laundry! Can someone bring me the pile of clothes in the bathroom?

Virgil: On it.

Patton: Thanks!

Virgil, five seconds later: Ow! Fuck!

Patton: You okay?

Virgil: ROMAN, WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A SPEAKER IN YOUR CLOTHES?!

Roman: I wanted to listen to music in the shower.

Virgil: It fell on my foot!

Roman: Sorry.

~

Logan: You need to wash that or it’ll get moldy.

Patton: You’re moldy.

Logan: I- What?

~

Remus & Roman: *fighting*

Roman: *starts being nice*

Remus: What are you doing?

Roman: Nothing! Just telling my lovely brother that-

Virgil: Don’t listen to him. I saw him eyeing the fridge. He just wants you to get up and get whipped cream for him.

~

Virgil: Are the dishes clean?

Janus: N- oh. You’re already using them.

Virgil: *eating* I’ve given up on life. I don’t give a shit if the dishes I’m eating on are clean or dirty. I don’t know why I asked.

~

Roman: So you know how Cookie Monster’s eyes are on top of his head? I just learned this means he’s a submerged predator. 

Virgil: He hunts cookies for sport by hiding under the table.

Roman: For sport?

Virgil: Have you ever actually seen him eat the cookies he catches?

Roman: …Oh shit, you’re right.

~

Thomas: As a kid, I thought quicksand would be a much bigger problem in my life than it actually is. Like, there was quicksand in the cartoons I watched so I’d always wonder how I’d react if I got caught in it but I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen quicksand.

Logan: Quicksand is neither quick nor sand.

Virgil: Let that sink in.

Thomas: Oh my god.

~

Remus: *walks out of house holding morningstar and mace*

Janus: Where are you doing with those?

Remus: Just looking for the guy who redesigned the google app logos.

Janus: Oh. Okay, carry on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've run out of backed up chapters. I just have another set of removed quotes then I'm out. Normally I don't announce it when this happens but my university applications are due this month and I have writers block so chances are there'll be a bit of time where I don't update. Maybe, maybe not. No promises either way.
> 
> If you guys have any requests for themed chapters, I'm open to suggestions


	80. LXXX: Removed V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REJECTED is an old animation by Don Hertzfeldt. It made a comeback as a meme probably around the early 2010s (shush, I promise I'm not that old) and was remastered in 2018. I was going to make a chapter based around it but it didn’t work out. The first nine quotes are from that rejected (no pun intended) chapter. The rest are just normal quotes that didn’t make it into previous chapters.
> 
> Thank you for your suggestions for themed chapters! I'm not really taking a break but chances are there will be a short period of time without an update so we may not see your suggestions for awhile. One day though. I always appreciate inspiration.

Roman: *eating*

Roman:

Roman: My spoon is too big.

Virgil:

Roman: My spoon is too big.

Virgil: Then get a smaller one idiot.

~

Logan: Did you bring your coat?

Remus: I live in a giant bucket.

~

Patton: Why do you wear so much yellow?

Janus: I’m a banana.

Patton: Oh. Makes sense.

~

Roman: Want to go do something?

Remus: *projectile vomits*

Roman: I’ll take that as a no.

~

Patton: *gasps* Remy is taking his first steps!

Remy: What are you talking about? I walk all the ti-

Remy: *falls down stairs*

~

Roman: Life is good.

Virgil: No it’s not.

Roman: This is fun.

Virgil: Who are you and what have you done with Roman?

~

Emile: The bathtub is leaking.

Logan: *not looking up* Okay.

Emile: The bathtub is leaking.

Logan: *not looking up* Okay.

Remy: For the love of coffee and all that is holy, the bathtub is flooding the bathroom, you bitch. Come fix it.

Logan: *looks up, sees water* Oh shit.

~

Thomas: You can only hang if you’re wearing a onesie.

Logan: No thank you.

Remus & Roman: *draw weapons*

~

Emile: *trying to explain the plot of Pokemon Mystery Dungeon* So like you get turned into a Pokemon and all the other Pokemon are characters and it’s like one big story but you still fight in dungeons and stuff and there are Legendary Pokemon.

Remy: What?

Emile: Exactly. It’s very confusing.

~

Roman: So you know how anxiety is your fight or flight reflex? It activates when something is clearly wrong and you need to react?

Virgil: Yes…

Roman: And you know how everyone gets anxiety while people sing them happy birthday?

Virgil: Oh my god.

Roman: The happy birthday song is a menace to mankind.

~

Roman: Noice.

Remus: Toit.

Roman: Smort.

Logan: Is this a brother thing or a cultural reference?

Remus: coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool no doubt.

Logan: You didn’t answer the question.

Roman: Common bitch.

Logan: Excuse me?

Remus: BONE!

Logan: I’m leaving now.

~

Patton: Why is it so cold?

Logan: Why are you eating ice cream if it’s cold?

Patton: We all have questions don’t we?

~

Roman: Has anyone seen my wallet? I think I got pickpocketed.

Janus: *accidentally drops Roman’s wallet*

Roman: ...

Janus: …

Roman: I’m giving you a chance to explain.

Janus: My hands got sweaty.

Roman: You’re wearing gloves.

Janus: ...Shit.

~

Janus: *humming* Ba da da da da… Ba na na na na… Ban an na na na… Ba na...

Virgil: Are you humming the X-Men theme song?

Remus: No you dumb bitch. He’s singing about bananas.

~

Virgil: I have an announcement I’d like to make.

Logan: What is it?

Virgil: I have the big sad.

Logan: Okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awesome coincidence happened today. Pokemon players, you know how shiny hunting is. There's about a 1 in 8192 chance of getting a shiny pokemon and actively trying to find/ hatch/ encounter one is awful. I've been working on getting a second shiny Eevee (I think I've talked about my Vaporeon here? Idk, we've had 80 chapters with of author's notes) for a few weeks because shiny Sylveon is the trans rights pokemon and I finally got one today in Pokemon Sword. I instantly messaged my trans friend who plays pokemon and it turns out she got a shiny Eevee in Pokemon Go at almost the exact same moment. It was epic.
> 
> FFN has been broken for a few days so the short fic I mentioned I'm working on probably won't be up in the immediate future since I usually like posting at the same time on both my accounts. But, I am going to use this as a shameless self promotion for m Fanfiction.net account. I use the same username there. All my non-Sanders Sides stories are over there, most of them Warriors or TMNT. I've been wanting to clean up my Warriors fics and crosspost them over here so if any of you are Warriors fans and would like to read my stories and point out weak points and spelling errors so I can fix them, leave a comment saying you're interested and I'll give you my discord, reddit, twitter, FFN user, or whatever you use to message on. Or if you just want to talk and you don't want to do any editing for me, I'm cool with that.
> 
> Also I will hopefully get a letter for HRT and top surgery this month? I had a consultation with my endocrinologist (hormone doctor) for the first time last week about getting HRT and I talked to my gender therapist today so hopefully ya boi's going to get his man juice soon and get his chesticles chopped off in the near future. The goal is to get t by the end of 2020 and get top surgery by the end of 2021. Put out some good vibes to the trans gods for me! If any of you want some good vibes, let me know and I'll happily put some out for you.


	81. Set LXXX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, it's been like fifteen days since the last update so I have a lot of things I need to say so I'm going to try to make this short
> 
> 1) Fic hit 500 kudos. I was on the phone when I realized and my friend was like "bro, you write fanfic?" and I was like "I'm pretty sure you helped edit this fic early on man"
> 
> 2) Election
> 
> 3) My dog had his 6 month birthday so shoutout to my dog
> 
> 4) This week is trans week so shout out to trans people
> 
> 5) Yesterday was International Mens Day so shoutout to men
> 
> 6) Today is the Trans Day of Remembrance so I encourage you to take some time to read up on the lives of the people we're remembering
> 
> 7) Fic has NEW TITLE. New title because I have another story also called When Everything Goes Wrong that is also an Incorrect Quotes collection but it's for Avatar: The Last Airbender. All the Incorrect Quotes are different from the ones here so I encourage you to check it out
> 
> 8) I have another new fic, also ATLA, called The World Was Made My Gran Gran's Face. It's a drabble series focused on Sokka's reflection on the war. Again, it'd be cool if you checked it out

Remus: Dee, what should I be for Halloween?

Janus: Winnie the Pooh.

Remus: Why? Oh. Wait. Because I don’t like-

Janus: Because you don’t like wearing pants.

~

Janus: Life is good.

Logan: Falsehood!

Virgil: Obvious lie.

Remus: *dancing* Why you always lyin? Always lyin? Stop fuckin lyin!

~

Patton: I’m turning in. Hope we don’t get any trick or treaters.

Virgil: It’s not even Halloween.

Toby: *appears* Did someone say Halloween?

~

Emile: *hits shuffle*

Phone: Leaves from the vine…

Emile: *starts bawling*

Virgil: *sniffling* Why do you have that song on this playlist? Or any playlist? It makes you cry every time! 

Emile: BRAVE SOLDIER BOY COME MARCHING HOME

~

Roman: Wait… I’m having de a vu.

Virgil: We literally do this every day, Roman.

~

Roman: Have you ever been arrested?

Remy: Yes.

Roman: I was going to say “because it’s illegal to be that hot” but now I’m curious.

Remy: I robbed a Starbucks at gunpoint.

Roman: Ah. Makes sense.

~

Patton: *pats Remus’s head*

Remus: :D

Virgil: Patton, don’t do that.

Patton: Why?

Virgil: Look at your hand.

Patton: ...Why is my hand black?

Remus: *proudly* I rolled around in the fireplace this morning.

~

Logan: Go to sleep.

Virgil: No. Every dead person has slept at some point. I don’t want to die.

Logan: Well, every happy person has slept at some point. Don’t you want to be happy?

Virgil: Hitler slept.

Patton: We have no proof of that.

Remus: Yeah, he was probably a zombie or something.

Virgil: Shut up, you’re supposed to be on my side.

~

Roman: I've been thinking about this for several days and I don't know the answer so I'm going to sacrifice my dignity and ask... If you're bishrekual are you attracted to Shrek and Fiona or are you attracted to some combination of male, female and non-binary Shreks?

Virgil: *bursts out laughing*

Roman: *visibly upset* It’s a serious question!

~

Roman: What does your perfect husband look like?

Virgil: Canada.

Roman: What?

Virgil: I don’t need some stinkin man hanging on my arm. Anything I can get from marriage I can get from Canada.

Roman: What?

VIrgil: Better taxes and health insurance 

~

Remus: Where can I buy thigh high crocs?

Janus: You mean other than hell?

Remus: *scoffs* Obviously. What kind of idiot do you take me for? I’m no amateur. 

~

Roman: Asexual asswhoop!

Remus: Aromantic annihilation!

Virgil: Y’all sound like anime characters in an ace Ro aro Re AU.

~

Emile: *singing* He’s a man on a mission, in armor of high tech ammunition...

Remus: *headbutts Roman with a calculator taped to his forehead*

~

Virgil: Want to see something cool?

Emile: Sure

Virgil: *spins ten fidget spinner simultaneously* 

Emile: That’s not cool, that is concerning

~

Virgil: I don’t need a stable relationship. I need a stable internet connection

Janus: Don’t let Roman hear you say that

Virgil: Why? Is he the one sucking up all the wifi?


	82. Set LXXXII

Virgil: Reality is any one of the hundred tabs I have open at any given time

Logan: You shouldn’t have that many tabs open at once

Virgil: That’s your issue with what I said?

~

Roman: Ya like jazz?

Janus: Why are you flirting with m-

Roman: *pulls out stack of CDs* I’m trying to get rid of these. You want any?

Janus: Oh. Yeah, I’ll take a look

~

Roman: *nods in greeting*

Remus: *attack crouch*

Roman: *weird noise*

Remus: *weird noise back*

Logan: What are they doing?

Virgil: This is just normal sibling stuff

~

Emile: I heard from Thomas that Remy got a boyfriend

Toby: Wait, really? Who?

Remy: Guys, calm down. All Thomas did was flip his pillow upside down. I may have gotten a little excited that we were sleeping on a different side of the pillow but I promise you nothing is-

Emile: *holds up pillow, flips it over*

Remy:

Remy: Babe, I promise this isn’t what it sounds like-

~

Logan: Can you stop doing that?

Remus: *makes eye contact* No.

~

Thomas: Someone just made Talyn cry

Roman: *grabs sword*

Thomas: Wait, they just told me the other person has covid. We can’t fight someone with covid

Roman: *grabs bow and arrow*

Thomas: Roman no

~

Roman: She’s = she is

Logan: He’s = he is

Patton: They’re = they are

Virgil: You’re = you are

Remus: We’re = no strangers to love, you know the rules, and so do I

Thomas: I can’t believe I fell for that

Janus: *fist pumps* Nailed it

~

Roman: Why are you all so down? It seems everyone I talk to this week is tired

Virgil: It’s called seasonal depression, bitch

~

Emile: *sitting, reading*

Remus: *puts his arms around his neck, whispers seductively* Naked Venusaur…

Emile: *jerks away* Whyyyy

~

Logan: I’m having trouble functioning

Roman: I got this

Roman: *spams ctrl + alt + delete*

~

Remy: New phone who dis

Janus: Your mother

Remy: Sweet. Deleting you from my contacts

Janus: Wait no, it’s me. Your favorite snek boi

Remy: Nice try Mom, using my love of snek bois against me

~

Logan: We need to be more politically active

Virgil: Roman, what are your first amendment rights?

Roman: Freedom of, um, petition, religion…, uh, speech, assembly, and… press!

Virgil: See? He knows stuff. You can be our new Supreme Court Justice

Logan: *sighs* Honestly that would probably work in our favor and I don’t like it

~

Remus: *singing* I don’t care if you have hair, I just wanna know if you can grind

Janus: Those aren’t the lyrics

Remus: I know

~

Remus: :]

Virgil: What are you doing?

Remus: :]

Virgil: Stop

Remus: :]

Virgil: *runs away*

~

Brian: There is no normal way to say pee or poop

Logan: What?

Brian: When you say pee or poop, you sound like a child. If you say number one and number two, you sound really immature. If you say urinate or defecate, you sound like you’re trying to sound like an adult. There is no adult way to say it

Logan: ...This is going to keep me awake tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder that there is now an Avatar: The Last Airbender version of this story with entirely new Incorrect Quotes! Also please check out my other story The World Was Made by Gran Gran's face. And happy late Thanksgiving to those who celebrate. Hope you guys stayed safe.


	83. Set LXXXIII

Patton: Who faces the showerhead and who faces the wall?

Logan: I face the wall.

Virgil: Who the cinnamon toast fuck faces the wall?!

Roman: I take baths.

Remy: You gurls aren’t doing constant 360s?

Emile: Yeah, I do the spinny thing too.

Janus: *silently trying to figure out which direction he faces*

Remus: I sit in the shower.

~

Logan: Did you know bork is a real word?

Remus: Bork bork bitch.

Logan: No.

~

Thomas: Ima do a kickflip!

Virgil: No.

Thomas: Why?

Virgil: Because you’d break your fucking neck that’s why.

~

Patton: *sighs* I want a kid.

Remy: Yeah, and Emile wants a Charizard but some things are just impossible, gurl.

~

Patton: (ㆁωㆁ*)

Toby: (▀̿̿Ĺ̯̿▀̿ ̿)

Patton: (✿◠‿◠)

Janus: 凸-_-凸

Patton: (^o^)

Remus: ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ

Patton: ٩(♡ε♡ )۶

Logan: The fuck is happening

Patton: (｡ŏ﹏ŏ)

Logan: Wait no what did I do wrong

~

Remus: I was single in the womb and I’ll be single ‘till the tomb.

Roman: Remus, we’re twins.

~

Virgil: No phone who dis

Roman: What?

Virgil: We all have the same face. Normally I rely on find my friend or your contact pics to tell who you are.

Roman: I’m Patton.

Virgil: Okay cool.

~

Patton, Logan, & Roman: *standing on the roof*

Patton: The real question is does this seem like a good idea? Because if it’s not, this is all a moo point.

Logan: Excuse me?

Roman: A moo point?

Patton: Yeah. Like a cow’s opinion. It doesn’t matter. It’s moo.

Logan: …

Roman: I’d threaten him with my sword because Patton would never say a cow’s opinion doesn’t matter but Janus would never say something like this so I’m unsure what I’m supposed to be doing right now...

~

Remus: *laundry stuffed up his shirt* Can’t! Won’t! Don’t! Isn’t! Wouldn’t!

Janus: What are you doing?

Remus: Having contractions.

Virgil: *picks sock off the floor* Remus! The laundry is crowning! Quick, get in the bathtub!

~

Patton: The time between Christmas and New Years is undocumented.

Remy: ?

Patton: Santa watches you all year but the year starts on January 1.

Remy: Gurls, party at my place December 26 to December 31.

~

Roman: Brother, we’re running away from home.

Remus: What? Why?

Roman: Patton is letting Logan cook tonight. He’s making yogurt and tortillas.

Remus: Why aren’t we already out the door?

~

Virgil: *looking at phone*

Patton: How’s it going, Virge? Doing anything fun?

Virgil: Just staring into the nightmare rectangle and watching society collapse.

~

Roman: International Men's Day is the day before the Trans Remembrance Day? Coincidence? I think not!

Virgil: Roman, I can literally think of no reason they would be con-

Roman: I said coincidence? I think not!

Virgil: I heard you but- ah what the heck, that’s pretty freaking cool.

~

Emile: Sorry I’m late. I was- Are you alright?

Virgil: You were gone for so long I started to forget everything except that I had a therapy appointment. I have a lot of emotions and I want to talk about them so I just started thinking about that one vine.

Emile: “You want to talk about your emotions, Tian?”

Virgil: Yeah, that. It just kept repeating in my head as I slowly forgot my own name and began to refer to myself as Tian.

Emile: Virgil, it’s 4:02. Our appointment is at 4:00…

Virgil: I have problems, okay?

~

Thomas: I ate the leaf. I did the body move and did the sweat. I went outside and absorbed the light. Give me happy chemical.

Logan: Brian, give him some serotonin. 

Brian: *staring downward* Uh… Serotonin machine broke

Logan: What?

Virgil: *lying on the floor* I’m dead don’t talk to me!

Thomas: But happy chemical!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ignore the fact I am indecisive about using proper punctuation in different chapters.
> 
> Also sometimes I straight (gay) up forget to update and I'm sorry guys. I have two other fics that are getting updates right now (The World Was Made By Gran Gran's Face and the ATLA version of WEGW. Go check them out!) and I usually try to update them all around the same time but sometimes it slips my mind.


	84. Set LXXXIV

Roman: *snickering*

Virgil: What?

Roman: Your pocket’s partially inside out

Virgil: And?

Roman: It looks like a vagina

Virgil: *looks* omg it does

~

Remus: Momo had to watch Bumi die but Bumi II had to watch Momo die

Emile: *in tears*

Remus: Momo was probably present when Bumi was born so it was probably like losing a house pet or a sibling figure

Emile: *sobbing*

Remy: *protectively hugs Emile, throws coffee at Remus* How dare you. That was good coffee too

~

Roman: *walks into bathroom*

Virgil: *hosing self in shower* Mistakes were made

Roman: What mistake was made?

Virgil: So you know how I sit on surfaces not meant to be sat on? 

Roman: Yeah…?

Virgil: I sat on the fucking eggs!

~

Patton: Isn’t it funny how big animals are scared of tiny animals?

Janus: *clearly in the middle of sending his snake after one of Roman’s dogs* Really? I have  _ never _ heard of anything like that

~

Remus: We’ll die like we were born

Roman: Together?

Remus: No. Two minutes apart locked in a battle for dominance

Roman: Oh that makes more sense

~

Remus: I just found out I can release a sonic wave from my mouth

Toby: *visibly afraid* Oh no

Virgil: He’s lying. If he could do that, he already would’ve figured it out by now

Toby: Oh true

Remus: *sad poopie noises*

~

Virgil: 0_0

Logan: Are you okay?

Virgil: I just remembered Thomas’s dentist was one of his emergency contacts when he was in school. I don’t know if we ever updated the list. It’s still a very real possibility his childhood dentist would be responsible for him during an emergency 

Logan: 0_0

~

Remus: Watch me straddle this toilet

Janus: No

Remus: Watch me!

~

Roman: I thought mutts were supposed to be the best kind of dog but mine just has way too floppy ears, a weirdly long torso, giant feet, and is too dumb to train not to shit everywhere

Virgil: Which dog are you talking about? 

Roman: Remus

Virgil: *spits out water*

~

Roman: You may be a cowboy but I’m a cowman

Janus: Excuse me?

Remus: *pops out of the sofa cushions in a cow onesie* Moo moo bitch

~

Roman: I’m putting on a binder

Virgil: Why? You don’t have boobs

Roman: I’m putting on a binder

Virgil: Don’t. You’re going to crack a rib

Roman: I’m putting on a binder!

~

Emile: We all thought Thor was the weird kid but turns out he’s just the friendly himbo jock in a family of dramatic theater goths

Remy: I’d say Loki’s a thembo and Hela is a bimbo but those bitches have way too many brains to be any kind of bo

~

Emile: So you know how we never learned the name of Argit’s species?

Remy: Wha…

Emile: So I just found out that the Omnitrix scanned Pierce’s half-alien blood, which was later confirmed to have come from Argit, and called it Snorecupine!

Remy: I don’t know what you’re talking about, gurl, but you do you

Emile: Anyway, I’m off to buy a porcupine

Remy: Wait no 

~

Virgil: Offbrand Gamestop could be called Gameshop

Thomas: Stop waking me up to tell me these things

Remy: Nah, bitch. We’re going to spend another three hours lying in bed thinking about this

~

Remus: *walks inside holding octopus*

Janus: What were you doing out there with Harold?

Remus: We were going to go on a bike ride together but his legs are too short to reach the pedals

Janus: Can’t he just sit in the basket?

Remus: Well then where am I supposed to sit? 


	85. Set LXXXV

Roman: *sighs*

Virgil: Are you okay?

Roman: It’s late and my thoughts are getting kind of weird so I’m just posting them all on social media even though I’ll probably delete them in the morning.

Virgil: mood

~

Patton: *sobbing*

Logan: Are you okay?

Patton: *holds up cat* It should be illegal to be this adorable!

Logan: *runs for the allergy pills* By Darwin, you need to stop touching that thing, Patton.

~

Virgil: *sitting on the counter*

Patton: Kiddo-

Virgil: *shushes him*

Patton: Kiddo, I know you like sitting there but-

Virgil: *shushes him*

Patton: ...

Remy: *hands Patton a notecard*

Patton: *reading* Virgil you stupid piece of crap the fucking toaster set your uggly ass pants on fire for the love of god and all that is holy get off the goddamn counter.

Virgil: *pauses* I don’t know if I should be more afraid of Patton, Remy, or the fire.

Janus: *extinguishes him* Patton. Definitely Patton. He was about to let you burn, boy.

~

Logan: Beaver incisors are orange because their tooth enamel contains iron.

Roman: My shirt is orange because Patton washed my white tunic with Janus’s yellow gloves and my red sash.

Patton: I’m sorry.

~

Emile: Do you think pokemon get braces?

Remy: Gurl, go to sleep...

Emile: Do pokemon even have teeth?

Remy: Emile!

Emile: You’re right. How stupid of me, of course they have teeth. You can clearly see Totodile’s teeth and in his dex entry-

Remy: I swear to all things Starbucks, go *clap* to *clap* SLEEP!

~

Virgil: *looking at Roman* Do you think he knows he’s not a human?

Toby: No idea. I mean, he’s always trying to do stuff with us but he also knows he has his own things that the rest of us don’t do, y’know?

Roman: Are you trying to convince me I’m a dog?

Virgil & Toby: Is it working?

~

Thomas: *sleeping*

Remus: A nut for a jar of tuna is the same forward and backwards.

Thomas: I  _ just  _ fell asleep Remus!

Remus: This is more important!

Remy: It really is, gurl. I’m going to go to the store and try trading a nut for some tuna. Be back in a few hours bitches!

Thomas: Wait no- *looks at Remus* Look at what you’ve done!

~

Emile: *pats* That’s rough buddy

Remy: Did you just- Did you just pat yourself on the head and say that’s rough buddy?

Emile: Yes. Yes I did.

~

Patton: A-weema-weh!

Virgil: A-weema-weh!

Logan: A-weema-weh!

Janus: A-weema-weh!

Remus: Brrrrrrrr- ah lalalala weema weeeeeeh!

Roman: You had one job! Stop trying to steal my thunder!

Remus: That was the next line, asshole!

Roman: *checks lyrics* Oh right. My bad. Sorry.

~

Janus: *reading* Huh. Wolverines can be trained to save people from avalanches like rescue dogs.

Roman & Remus: …

Remus: Logan!

Logan: *yelling from the other room* How many times do I have to tell you I’m not the Wolverine?!

Roman: Correction, you are a nerdy Wolverine.

~

Logan: *reading* You can’t hate yourself or that’s homophobic.

Virgil: That means we’re all homophobic except maybe Patton.

Roman: Patton, do you hate yourself?

Patton: Um…

Sides: *gasp* 

~

Logan: What are you doing?

Patton: Licking white stuff off my hands

Remus: Glue or cocaine?

Patton: ...Candy

Remus: Nose candy?

Logan: Stop.

~

Roman: Imagine if we met Beyoncé…

Remy: I can’t.

Roman: Why?

Remy: It’s too depressing.

Roman: What? Why?

Remy: Because you’d fucking ruin it and we’d never get to talk to Beyoncé again.

Roman: *offended Princey noises*

~

Remus: Janus tells me I really know how to light up a room.

Janus: *running around with a fire extinguisher* Yeah, because you threw matches everywhere!

~

Patton: *hanging up lights*

Roman: *walks in* Why are we hanging up lights in the colors of the Mexican flag?

Patton: They’re Christmas colors!

Roman: White is not a Christmas color.

Patton: White is the color of snow!

Virgil: *spits out coffee, choking* I thought you were going to say white is the color of god.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Incorrect Quote production is kind of slow, hence the slow updates and why there is an Xmas quote in this chapter even though it's New Year's Day. I even removed a Thanksgiving one.
> 
> Not really any reason updates have been slow. Just wrapped up semester finals and am currently on winter break. Got my letter to get t so hopefully that's happening soon. Painting my room. Replaced my 7+ year old phone. Dog is doing well. Working on a couple stories but progress is slow.
> 
> Reminder that this fic generally updates within a few days of my other two wips (When Everything Goes Wrong: ATLA Edition and The World Was Made By Gran Gran's face) so please go check those out!


	86. Set LXXXVI

Patton: I put a little note in your lunch!

Virgil: This just says bitch.

Remy: Oh I also left you a note. Patton’s note is on the other side.

~

Roman: Come on brain. Think of things. Come on brain. Think of things.

Brian: Did you know Lin-Manuel Miranda made that vine?

Roman: Wait, really? How come no one knows this?!

Brian: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

~

_ Light Sides _

Patton: Are you ticklish?

Roman: Logan, am I ticklish?

Logan: No, you’re squirmy.

Roman: That sounds about right.

_ Dark Sides _

Remus: Are you ticklish?

Virgil: What are you supposed to say when someone asks that? If you say yes, they tickle you. If you say no, they tickle you. Is there any way to avoid getting tickled?

Janus: Tell them you need to shit real bad and they won’t tickle you.

Virgil: You do realize Remus was the one who asked me, right? You know that won’t stop him.

Remus: You got that right.

~

Roman: *singing* I’m like, yeah, he’s fine.

Virgil: *singing* Wonder when he’ll be mine.

Janus: *singing* He walk past, I press rewind.

Remus: *singing* To see that ass one more time…

Patton: *pops open can* And I got a soda!

~

Virgil: *making toast* Can someone get me a knife?

Remus: Here!

Virgil: What’s this green stuff on it?

Remus: Snot!

Virgil: Ew…

Janus: He’s just trying to gross you out. It’s just avocado.

Virgil: Well it’s not avocado color…

~

Virgil: Thanks Patton.

Patton: No problem kiddo! What are friends for?

Virgil: To remind you you’re not dead.

Patton: What?

Virgil: What?

~

Virgil: What’s your favorite Twitter account, Patton?

Patton: Well, it was the flat Garfield account for a long time but I just discovered one where Garfield dabs and I think that might be my new favorite.

Virgil: ...What?

~

Roman: Patton, can you watch my dog?

Patton: Of course! How are you doing, buddy?

Dog:

Patton: :)

Dog: *begins urinating*

Patton: D:

Roman: *frantically trying to get the dog outside* No! Stop that! Be good for Patton!

~

Roman: The word fire only appears in this fic 38 times.

Logan: Only?

Remus: Only! Time to-

Janus: *knocks him out with a fire extinguisher* No.

~

Patton: *teaching Remus how to knit*

Logan: Knitting may be an excellent outlet for his intrusive thoughts and creative whims. What are you knitting?

Remus: Shuriken.

~

Roman: What are you two doing?

Emile: Writing a play based on mythology.

Roman: Which one?

Janus: It’s kind of a mix of Roman, Greek, and Pokemon.

Roman: …

Janus & Emile: …

Roman: Without me?

~

Virgil: Oh god.

Logan: What?

Virgil: There’s a dog on the roof.

Logan: If he got up there, he can probably get d-

Dog: *yeets self*

Logan & Virgil: *scramble to catch him*

~

Roman: Best pick up lines. Go.

Virgil: Um… Did it hurt from heaven? Wait, no, fuck, that’s not it...

Logan: You are attractive. Would you like to copulate? 

Janus: *slides his number across the table flirtatiously* 

Patton: Throw me against the wall and I’ll stick like spaghetti! 

Sides: ...

Remus: How the fuck am I supposed to top that?!

~

Logan: People don’t watch the news to get informed. They watch it to get validation.

Virgil: That’s dark even for me…

~

Roman: This next joke is a banger.

Remus: *bangs to pots together*

Roman: And that’s all for the night folks!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My fic Voiceless has a new chapter so please go check it out!


	87. Set LXXXVII

Virgil: Someone tell me a joke.

Remus: What does the dookie say?

Virgil: I’m going to regret this… What?

Remus: *puts hands to mouth*

Virgil: ?

Remus: *blowing*

Virgil: Can you not make a fart sound?

Remus: I’m trying! My mustache is in the way!

~

_ How Sides Leave the Table _

Logan: Excuse me.

Patton: I’ll be back in a few minutes, kiddos!

Virgil: *too anxious to leave*

Roman: I am sorry but I must use the bathroom.

Janus: I need to use the restroom.

Remus: I gotta go take an ENORMOUS SHIT. WITH MY ANUS. THAT’S WHERE THE POOP COMES FROM!

~

Emile: *to the tune of What Kind of Pokemon Are You* What kind of gay are you?

Virgil: Can’t sit straight.

Roman: I don’t understand football.

Remy: I drink iced coffee year-round.

Patton: Obsessed with frogs.

Remus: I can’t do math.

Logan: I don’t fit any gay stereotypes.

Janus: *points at Logan* In denial.

~

Virgil: Hello, my name is Virgil and I am your unconventional self-defense teacher. Here is a list of my enemies. Your homework is to hunt them down and end them.

Logan: That isn’t self-defense.

Virgil: Not everything’s about you.

Logan: Why is Roman’s name on the list?

Virgil: Keep talking and your name will be on it too.

~

Thomas: Which of you is in the best shape when it comes to athletics?

Roman: Me.

Virgil: You ran down the street last week and puked.

Roman: And? You think you can do better?

~

Thomas: *puts pen down*

Patton: *throws confetti* You did it! Now time to watch cartoons for the rest of the day to celebrate.

Logan: All you did was come up with the title for a video.

Thomas: *opening Netflix* What was that, Logan? I can’t hear you. I’m on my break.

~

Virgil: Why the hell did you give Remus a knife?

Janus: He said he felt unsafe.

Virgil: Well now I feel unsafe!

Janus: Sorry. Do you want one too?

Virgil: No thanks, I already have one.

Janus: ???

~

Remus: *gets lost*

Roman: Finally.

~

Nate: *singing and clapping* Procrastination is a game that we play. If you get distracted, you will win the game!

Thomas: Please stop.

Remy: *banging drumsticks on the table* Keep it up!

~

Janus: *hitting Remus with a mop*

Virgil: What’s happening?

Janus: *angrily* I spill some soup and he won’t let me clean it up! He just keeps rolling around in it!

Remus: *face down on the floor* aaaaa

~

Patton: Where can I buy an iron curtain?

Logan: Excuse me?

Virgil: Everyone, start saving change. We’re buying Eastern Europe.

~

Remus: *slams cupboard*

Roman: Is that supposed to be scary?

Remus: It’ll be a lot scarier when I’m dead!

Roman: *concerned Princey noises*

Janus: He’s practicing being a ghost.

Roman: Oh.

~

Patton: What if they made foot lotion for your hands? What would they call it? Hand foot lotion?

Logan: *sighs* Patton…

~

Virgil: Petition to rename Eric to Houdini?

Janus: Did you lose Roman’s dog again?

Virgil: Maybe.

Patton: Houdini? More like Houndini.

Logan: Actually, Harry Houndini was born as Erik Weisz so the name would be appropriate though he never-

Virgil: No one cares, Logan. Help me find the freaking dog before Roman gets home.

~

Roman: Thoughts on WandaVision?

Patton: I love it but I’m also confused.

Logan: I have several theories.

Janus: I have more theories and they’re better because I read the comics.

Virgil: I’m making memes boi.

Remus: *has mouth taped shut to keep him from interrupting* 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought on WandaVision anyone? Also the first joke is from Middleditch and Schwartz. It's a very good show. Would highly recommend. And a few jokes are taken from Dilbert. The Houdini thing was an unintentional coincidence but I am offended that Houdini isn't Houdini's real name. Still reeling from that one.
> 
> I finished that ATLA fic I keep mentioning in author's notes so go check it out if you're interested! I have another one that will hopefully be posted in the coming weeks that is way better. I'm trying to knock all my WIPs out of the WIP folder.


	88. Set LXXXVIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates are kind of slow. Only reason this one came out when it did was because I found my idea notebook and had several unused Incorrect Quotes in there.
> 
> I made a Twitter account for my Ao3 and FFN accounts! I'm @entitynine on Twitter. I'm going through these Incorrect Quotes and posting some good ones. I also post memes (mostly LGBT memes) and stuff regarding fic updates. Please check it out!
> 
> I also made a tumblr! I am going to be crossposting my fics from both Ao3 and FFN there as well as crossposting my memes from my Twitter and reddit accounts. Check me out at entity9silvergen.
> 
> More importance in second author's note about Aromantic Writing Month.

Remus: *sticking his head out the car window*

Logan: *driving* What are you doing?

Remus: I’m smelling the view.

Logan: That’s imp-

Remus: I can smell it!

~

Virgil: Wait, you’re right handed?

Roman: I- yes?

Virgil: Since when?

Roman: Since always???

~

Remy & Emile: *playing with rats*

Virgil: *runs in* Patton’s coming. Quick, hide them.

Remy: Where?

Emile: *shoves rats into chef hat*

Remy: Oh duh.

~

Virgil: *singing* I met this cat, and he said, "Son, I've got nine lives and you've got one so make the best of this you can, 'cause nothing goes according to plan."

Patton: *singing* I met this dog and he said, "Child, you'll outlive me seven times so make the best of this you can, 'cause nothing goes according to plan."

Roman: Can you guys bond over less depressing songs?

Patton: How is this song depressing? It has a cat and a dog!

Roman: *sighs*

~

Remus: Look at the clock.

Logan: What?

Virgil: *pointing* ha, 420.

~

Roman: I’m only going to say this once. Fuck terfs!

Logan: *doubtful noises*

Roman: Fine! I’m probably going to have to keep saying it for the rest of my life but a man can dream, can’t he?

~

Virgil: What are you doing?

Patton: I’m getting that app with the little bird.

Virgil: *grabs phone* No!

Roman: He’s downloading Talking Larry, not Twitter. Give him his phone back.

Virgil: Oh. Sorry.

~

Logan: Why are you asleep on the treadmill?

Virgil: Is this not a bed???

Roman: *turns on treadmill*

Virgil: *falls off* Ow.

~

Remus: Your name is very offensive in the language of Remus.

Patton: I’m sorry, kiddo. What does it mean?

Remus: It means “one who has stolen your octopus, rolled him in pubes, and put him in a blender before scattering his remains across the rooftops to tell our alien overlords a natural disaster is coming and they should come back later.”

Patton: It means all that?

Janus: The language of Remus only has forty words and twenty-seven of them are insults.

~

Roman: High five!

Logan: *ducks* No thank you.

~

Roman: Why is Virgil following you around?

Remus: I’m not good at communicating my thoughts and feelings so Vee is going to be my narrator.

Virgil: *narrator voice* Roman wondered the last time Remus washed his hands. It was a good question.

Roman: What?

Remus: *slowly smears hand across Roman’s face*

~

Virgil: I was going to be successful this week but I caught myself just in time.

Roman: Why don’t you want to be successful?

Virgil: Because Lo told me successful people have a higher chance of mating and we don’t want any more Virgils running around.

Roman: You’re gay???

~

Remus: Your gay!

Logan: It’s you’re, not your. I can hear you misspelling it.

Remus: No! Your gay is escaping! Quick! Someone swaddle him in a pride flag!

~

Virgil: Y’all.

Logan: ?

Virgil: Ya’all.

Logan: ??

Virgil: All’yall.

Logan: ???

Virgil: Alla ya’lls.

Logan: Virgil, please stop.

Virgil: Y’allshood.

Logan: You’re dead to me.

~

Virgil: So I started watching She-Ra…

Roman: And?

Virgil: I’m gay but I understand why you everyone is simping for Catra.

Roman: *high fives him*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rats were a long time coming. There were a couple comments from my friends a few months ago asking when the rats would show up. You guys happy now? Also I would've devoted a whole chapter to them but there are only so many things you can do with rats. 
> 
> Now the other thing is that February is AROMANTIC WRITING MONTH. I am going to be writing stuff for it, though I don't think I'm necessarily going to use the prompts. I don't know if it will affect updates but I'm trying to pump out a few oneshots so check my profile if you're interested.
> 
> That being said, if anyone has any requests for aromantic fics in fandoms that you know I write for, please feel free to leave a comment about them and (assuming I have time) I will write them this month (February 2021).


	89. Set LXXXIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updates. It is Aromantic Writing Month and I posted four new fics already and I got two more planned. Please go check them out [here](https://archiveofourown.org/series/2140302).

Virgil: *hands Roman a piece of paper*

Roman: What’s this?

Virgil: A picture Remus drew of you drinking milk directly out of the carton in the middle of the night and putting it back.

Roman: What? No! *chuckles nervously* You have no evidence!

Logan: Your lactose intolerance and the smell in the bathroom say otherwise.

~

Virgil: I work alone. Except when I work with Janus which is all the time.

Janus: *steals Patton’s glasses off his face and walks away*

Virgil: Now is not one of those times.

~

Virgil: Can I tell you a secret?

Remus: No.

Virgil:

Remus:

Virgil: I think I might be allergic to potatoes.

Remus: NOT THE PATATAS!

~

Janus: Don’t fear death. Fear the state you’ll die in.

Virgil: We’ve been over this. We’re already terrified of Florida. We don’t need you saying anymore stuff like that.

~

Logan: I have some news.

Roman: That you’re in love with Patton? We already knew that.

Logan: ...I was going to say that the dishwasher broke. You think I’m in love with Patton?

Roman: Am I wrong?

~

Virgil: *cooking*

Remus: *crawls out from under the fridge* FEED ME!

Virgil: *waffle stomps his face*

Remus: Wha- Ow! Hey! You were just supposed to drop the food and scream!

Virgil: How dare you assume I value my own life and safety over my toast.

~

Patton: *holding an apple* Sliced or whole?

Roman: In a pie.

~

Logan: Why is Remus drinking out of your hands like a dog?

Patton: Virgil didn’t do the dishes.

~

Janus: *pushes Roman down the stairs*

Virgil: lol

Patton: *looks at him*

Virgil: I mean, Janus how could you

~

Remus: I was born in the fires of hell! I am imbued with the powers of death! I am more evil than-

Virgil: You’re sitting on Janus’ lap.

Remus: *wraps arms around Janus* He’s my emotional support snake. 

~

Roman: Can someone cook for me?

Virgil: Just cook yourself.

Roman: Cook for me yourself, coward.

~

Virgil: How did this happen? We’re usually smarter than this.

Janus: *surveying destruction* Not smart enough to control Remus apparently.

Remus: *licks fire extinguisher* 

~

Roman: The world's a stage!

Virgil: You mean bright, stressful, and-

Remus: My toilet!

Roman & Virgil: ????

~

Thomas: Logan, how do I make myself sound smarter?

Logan: You can stop saying “stonks” instead of “stocks.”

Roman: *offended Princey noises*

Virgil: We stand by stonks until we die.

Patton: What are stocks?

Janus: Stocks? Who’s she? Never heard of her.

Remus: STONKS STONKS STONKS

Thomas: Yeah, it’s kind of becoming a problem. 

~

Roman: Happy V-Day!

Patton: What does V stand for?

Remus: Vagina.

Roman: No.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should be getting my first t shot tomorrow! Very exciting.
> 
> I mentioned previously that I made a tumblr! Incorrect quotes, memes, and fics are being posted here. I figured out hyperlinks so [click here to visit my tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/entity9silvergen)
> 
> My dad also recently started watching Sanders Sides so [I made a post about it](https://entity9silvergen.tumblr.com/post/643164863024218112/my-dad-started-watching-sanders-sides). There's a pic of my dog watching too if you're interested.


	90. Set XC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Sides-themed video came out today! No spoilers for it in this fic.

Janus: *hits Remus with a mop* No.

Remus: I didn’t do anything?

Janus: You were thinking about it.

Remus: Yeah lol you’re right I was.

~

Roman: *trips*

Virgil: lol

Patton: *looks at him*

Virgil: I mean, oh no so sad…

~

Virgil, Logan, & Patton: *in the car*

Virgil: *looking out the window* Is that a horse?

Logan: What’s a house doing here? We’re on a busy road. There’s nowhere for him to go.

Patton: He’s going on an adventure. 

Roman: *rides up to them on the horse* Damn right he is

~

Virgil: *rolls out of bed holding a nerf gun* Time to nerf some terfs!

Logan: You’ll need to go outside to do that.

Virgil: ...

~

Thomas: *cleaning*

Remus: What if you-

Virgil: *slaps him* We get it. What if you drank the soap? We go through this every time.

Thomas: Thanks, Virge.

Virgil: No problem, Thomas.

~

Janus: What do you think he’s thinking about?

Virgil: Spiderman.

Janus: *louder* Hey Thomas! What are you thinking about?

Thomas: *yelling back* Spiderman!

Virgil: See?

~

Remus: *burps*

Remy: Nice one. 

Remus: *farts*

Remy: EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

~

Patton: Now, kiddo, you need to stop going to the bathroom on the lawn.

Remus: It’s part of my culture.

Patton: I’m so sorry! You know I respect your- Wait.

Virgil: Fucking finally.

Patton: Can I join you?

Virgil: Wait no, that’s not what-

Remus: :D

Virgil: Janus! Help!

~

Virgil: I’m running on twelve hours of sleep and cups of coffee. No one can stop me!

Patton:

Virgil: Scratch that. One person can stop me.

~

Remus: *rips the wings off a paper airplane*

Logan: Now why would you do that?

Remus: To show off my power.

~

Logan: What were the goals for this week?

Thomas: Exercise every other day, fill out the paperwork for that parking ticket, finish the script for a new video, catch up on the news, hang out with my friends at least once...

Logan: And what did we do?

Virgil: Look at memes.

Thomas: Look at memes…

~

Patton: Logan, what does desultory mean?

Logan: It means lacking plan, purpose, or enthusiasm. 

Roman: Don’t you mean V-

Virgil: Don’t you mean me?

Roman: 

Virgil:

Patton: Kiddos!

~

Roman: Is that snow?

Virgil: I think they may be clouds.

Janus: Honestly it might be water.

Logan: *screaming* Where are we?

~

Thomas: I regret this decision.

Virgil: Story of my life.

Janus: Story of  _ our _ life.

~

Virgil: Why is the phone ringing?

Thomas: Virgil-

Virgil: WHY IS THE PHONE RINGING? ANSWER THE QUESTION THOMAS!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started t and my body is adjusting so I have been hella unproductive instead of writing my other stories or doing irl stuff which means writing Incorrect Quotes. I think it's been roughly a year since I began this fic. I think I started around two weeks before I started posting. We're already at 90 chapters, oh dang. I'd love to make it an even 100 on the fic's birthday but I don't think that's going to happen.
> 
> Sorry for a crapload of links but here:
> 
> Incorrect quotes reposts, memes, and more on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/entity9silvergen) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/entitynine). More fanfiction in other fandoms by me on [FFN](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/8127154/). Also check my profile here on ao3 for more stories.
> 
> My dad is still watching Sanders Sides so click [here](https://entity9silvergen.tumblr.com/post/643342602999136256/my-dad-started-watching-sanders-sides) if you're interested in hearing about it.
> 
> Also, the [2021 gender census survey](https://www.smartsurvey.co.uk/s/gendercensus2021/) is now open. If you are on the non-binary spectrum or questioning, please fill it out and/ or share. This data is used for a lot of things regarding the non-binary community so every response is helpful.
> 
> I also made an instructional post on [How To Make a Genderfluidity Tracker](https://entity9silvergen.tumblr.com/post/643422850667184128/how-to-track-your-gender-fluidity) so if you’re genderfluid, genderflux, anywhere on the genderfluid spectrum, or questioning, please check it out. This can be a very helpful tool.


	91. Set XCI

Patton: Can I have my tupperware back?

Roman: I lost it.

Logan: Roman, you know we only own one set of tupperware, right?

Roman: *sighing* Yeah… I’ll find it.

Patton: No pressure, kiddo!

Logan: No, pressure. Lots and lots of pressure. Please find it, Roman. We can’t afford to buy another one.

~

Remus: *pinching Roman’s face* This is what you would look like if you were caucasian. 

Roman: I am caucasian???

Remus: Only as long as I am holding your face like this.

~

Janus: What are you doing?

Remus: Eating a smoothie like soup.

Roman: It’s ketchup. He’s eating ketchup.

Virgil: *jabs finger at Roman* See! I told you ketchup is a smoothie!

~

Virgil: Chihuahuas are really freaky.

Roman: I know, right? They’re so ugly.

Chihuahua: *walks past*

Roman: Except that one.

Virgil: Yeah, that one’s cute.

~

Logan: What are you doing?

Patton: *tapes signs to Roman and Remus’s shirts* So you know how Roman represents light and Remus represents dark? I was thinking, what if they represent the sun and the moon? Wouldn’t that be cool?

Logan: We already have representations of the sun and moon.

Patton: We do?

Apollo & Jericho: *appear* You called?

Patton: *jaw drop*

Roman & Remus: *rip signs off* Thank fuck.

~

Janus: Fun fact- the average person swallows eight lobsters every night.

Logan: That… is not true. At all. No one does that.

Remus: *picking lobster out of his teeth* Maybe you don’t.

~

Remy: What the fuck happened to all the dinosaurs? I’d much rather hang out with them than you bitches!

Logan: Well, you see, back when-

Remy: Ugh! See? This is why dinosaurs are so much cooler than you. They don’t explain things. They’re just, like, chomp bitch. Rawr.

Logan: *adjusts glasses* A valid argument.

~

Toby: New pokemon game!

Janus: It’s not coming out for another-

Toby: *grabs him* New pokemon game!

Emile: *runs by screaming*

~

Logan: What are you doing?

Remus: *sitting in a kiddie pool* Shaving my leg.

Logan: Just one?

~

Patton: All the bathrooms in our house are gender neutral!

Logan: Isn’t everyone’s home restroom gender neutral? And we’re all male so-

Virgil: Hush. Let him have this.

~

Emile: *having a meltdown*

Janus: Is he okay?

Remy: His pokemon just has a bad nature.

Emile: *shows Axew* He’s so cute! But he’s modest! He’s a modest boi!

~

Patton: *stumbling*

Logan: What’s the matter?

Patton: I’m crying to avoid the cracks on the sidewalk.

Logan: Why?

Patton: Step on a crack, break your mother’s back.

Logan: None of us have mothers.

Patton: I know. But I’m doing it just in case.

Logan: …

Logan: *starts stumbling alongside Patton*

~

Roman: I don’t really like Breath of the Wild that much. It’s overhyped.

Virgil: Swing swong, your opinion is wrong.

~

Logan: I need to sneeze.

Virgil: Okay.

Logan: *sneezes* 

Virgil: 0_0

Logan: So as I was saying-

Virgil: How the fuck are you so calm? It sounded like your soul just left your body.

Logan: I don’t have a soul.

Virgil: Oh right. 

~

Patton:  _ Abra _ ham Lincoln. 

Toby: Stop.

Patton: Korracat.

Toby: Please.

Emile: I think he means please continue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, there are a lot of pokemon ones. Some new pokemon games were announced. You can read about them [here](https://www.nintendo.com/whatsnew/detail/2021/pokemon-announces-new-video-games-pokemon-brilliant-diamond-pokemon-shining-pearl-and-pokemon-legends-arceus/). I’ve also been playing some older pokemon games. The Axew thing comes from [this](https://entity9silvergen.tumblr.com/post/644234428115304448/entity9silvergen-entity9silvergen). The Abra/ Torracat thing comes from [here](https://inkyfishy.tumblr.com/post/643336380025618432/entity9silvergen-completely-forgot-i-made-this).
> 
> Posted some new stuff recently. I've been meaning to write an ace Roman and aro Remus story since April of last year and I finally did it. It's multichapter and last chapter should be going up tomorrow. It's called Oblique, you can find it on my profile if you want to read it. I also wrote an Avatar The Last Airbender oneshot about Suki and Momo for my last submission for Aromantic Writing Month. It's called He Is Mild And He Is Meek so check that out as well if you're interested.
> 
> [My tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/entity9silvergen) | [My Twitter](https://twitter.com/entitynine) | [My Twitter for ATLA stuff](https://twitter.com/AtlaMomo) | [My FFN account](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/8127154/)


End file.
